Unorthodox Chemistry

by Lilah E. Noir

  I put the dirty towel aside and handed her the rest of the water. She quickly took a few long gulps with closed eyes. She drank the bottle and opened the second one.

  "Easy..." I brushed her wrist lightly and spoke quietly. "The water is cold. Don't make yourself sick."

  That made her laugh in a desperate way, one step away from a scream.

  "Do you... Do you feel a little better?" I asked and ran my fingers through her hair.

  "No..." Lina sighed and looked up at me with her classic perceptive stare. It was darkened by pain and anguish but I had no doubt her mind was clear. "Thomas, please... explain to me what's going on. I no longer know what to think. You claimed you were leaving me because you wanted to give me time to recover and make an adequate decision."

  "I didn't claim that." I shook my head and held her hand. Lina's fingers remained limp in my grasp. "I meant every word."

  "Okay... So, you let me go because I needed to figure things out. The moment we were alone you didn't hesitate and just went on as if we were still together. As if you never gave up being my Dom and boyfriend. As if all that time we were apart you still thought I was yours," she said. "Maybe my perception of reality is messed up. It makes no sense."

  Lina traced my wrist with a tentative caress while she awaited my answer.

  "You have every right to be confused, Lina. The problem is I am just as confused. I fear that tonight we made an even bigger mess of our lives. I..." My voice got even softer while I was staring at her fine fingers over my skin. "The moment I saw you, something inside me snapped into place."

  Lina frowned.

  "It felt natural to assume my role as your Dom. I forgot about everything else." I sat down, leaned against the wall and wrapped an arm around my knee under her inquisitive stare. "I didn't care about our past or your new life." The last three words choked me. "All I knew was that you were mine. You were my sub, my lover, and I wanted to claim you. It was selfish but it felt right."

  She pulled my jacket around her shoulders.

  "I'm as selfish as you are. You were right. I came to the party and hoped I'd see you." Lina tugged the button of my jacket. "I couldn't admit it out loud."

  "It seemed like nothing had happened, didn't it?" I caressed her cheek. She leaned against my palm and some of the unwashed dark makeup stuck to it. "It was flowing well. Your defiance was such a turn on and then... I don't know what happened."

  "You were about to fist me when you freaked out and said you couldn't do it," Lina remarked dryly and smiled again. "Maybe we should have used my tears as lube."

  "I'm glad you're getting your sense of humor back." I slid my palm down her neck and kissed her lightly. When I realized what I was doing, I pulled away and uttered, "Sorry..."

  "I wasn't complaining." Another sad smile.

  "Yes, Lina, I remember what happened but it's difficult to explain it. The fear just came over me. I thought of that night in the dungeon, how I forced you to sit on that bottle, about Seth..." My voice started shaking when I said his name. "I couldn't handle the thought I'd harm you more than I already had. You were exposed, so trusting and vulnerable, and I..."

  Lina's smile faded. She folded her legs, leaned against my shoulder and glanced up. When she finally spoke, her words were drenched with melancholy.

  "I forgave you for that night. I thought we had put it behind us but it's still haunting you."

  "I'm a violent man, Lina, and my love is getting scary. I... There's no point in trying to hide it. I love you too much. It's a sick, obsessive feeling. I fear what I could do to you if I ever lost control again. Tonight I was so close... I fear I'd have ripped you apart if we had continued with the scene."

  I looked away from her searching eyes.

  "There's something dark and fucked-up about me. I fear I'm one step away from becoming like him. Maybe that's why BDSM attracted me so much. If I imposed a set of rules and limits on my darkness I'd learn to obey. Sometimes I think I'm going insane."

  "Thomas..." Lina reached out to touch my face. I didn't resist and turned to kiss her fingers. "Don't take all the blame for yourself. I'm just as bad. You responded to me and to my cravings. I needed you to unleash that force on me, to hurt me, to make me feel something. It wasn't like that night. It wasn't like anything Seth did to me."

  "Lina, I don't know where to draw the line." I sighed and pulled her closer. "I'm so scared passion and lust will blind me and I'll doom us both. That fear keeps me from doing what I did on that night but it also stops me from moving on."

  "You dominated me many nights after that."

  "Indeed... and I was relieved whenever the scene was over." I kept playing with her hair absentmindedly and focused on the way the light was shining down on it.

  Her skin, her eyes, the trust I felt unworthy of.

  Anything to keep me from thinking of the monster in the corner.

  Lina sighed when I finally confessed my little secret.

  "I thought I made you happy, that you loved those moments as much as I did." She looked so sad.

  "I loved them." My lips brushed hers again and I embraced her. "I adore it when you break for me, Lina. I'm always terrified I won't be able to put you back together."

  "I'm not a fragile flower." Lina raised her chin and shot me with angry eyes. "I wouldn't let you destroy me."

  "That night when Seth had you tied, I was one step from killing him. If you hadn't been there, if I could have got away with it I would have smashed his skull and beaten him until there was nothing left of him but blood, pulp, and smashed bones."

  The memory chilled me. The cold had nothing to do with the dungeon we were in. Lina must've sensed that. She sat on my lap and wrapped her arms around me.

  "Thomas, that man fucked us over. We're still suffering from his actions. You might've gotten more worked up during that night. Don't you think I felt the same way? That doesn't make you a sick, twisted psychopath." Her delicate whisper caressed my ear like a soft breeze.

  "There's something more." I paused. My next words could be a lethal shot straight into the heart of our connection. "I wouldn't blame you if you get up and leave after I tell you."

  "Go ahead and try me." She sucked in a breath. "How much worse could it be?"

  "No one knows about it. I've been trying to forget it. When you left after that night, I was emotionally wrecked. I wanted to kick myself. I was ready to jump out of my own skin. My body, though..."

  "I'm not sure--" Lina started but I didn't let her finish. It was difficult enough to begin talking.

  "I was still hard when you left," I blurted out. "It made no sense. I was disgusted with myself and what I did, but physically, I couldn't help it. I was so fucking hard it hurt. When the pain grew too much, I jerked off to find relief and think what to do next. I came thinking of you there, in the dungeon, while you were down on your knees and frightened to death."

  I pushed her away and looked at the wall. Shame was like phlegm that covered me from head to toe. Dirty and disgusting. The understanding in her eyes didn't make it any better.

  "It was so fucking wrong but I nearly collapsed with how good it felt when I came." I squeezed my hand into a fist and pressed it to my forehead. That didn't make the disturbing memory go away. "What kind of disgusting low-life masturbates to something like that after he has abused his girlfriend, Lina?"

  I reached out to hold her chin.

  "Listen... All that shit I told you in the scene, how I own you, how I'll always own you--forget it. I didn't mean any of that."

  "Really? Or are you just saying that because you think that's what I want to hear?" Lina said and reached out to grab my wrist. "You sounded convinced."

  "I was convinced you were still mine but now I'm not sure. Listen... I really love you. It's the kind of love that is bad for you but I do. I want you to be happy and I don't want to be in the way of your happiness."

  She kept caressing my wrist and staring at me with grief-stricken eyes.

  "You mig
ht not have meant it but it was true." Lina removed my fingers from her chin and pressed them to her heart. "I'm yours, no matter whether you want me or not."

  She moved her lips to my ear.

  "No other man has ever gotten so deep inside me in every sense of the word. You've marked me. I don't know if it's your darkness or your affection. The moment we're in the same room your demons get in touch with mine. I just wish that was enough."

  I stroked her hair and kissed her temple while she whispered her confession to me. Her voice was soft but fortified with conviction. If only I could believe we were the two missing pieces of a morbid puzzle.

  "Maybe... or maybe you respond to me because you miss being someone's submissive. Ours is the only D/s relationship you've ever been in. You can't compare it to anything else." The next words rolled off my tongue heavily but I had to say them. "Perhaps I should truly let you go and make a path for a new, better relationship for you. You..."

  I forced another smile and brought my forehead to hers.

  "You're so beautiful in your submission. It's thrilling to watch you unravel, to allow you to experience everything. I'm sure you'd blossom and grow in the arms of the right Dom. You might think I'm your only chance but you have so much potential. It'd be a shame to waste it on some damaged, twisted fuck like me."

  Lina burst out into laughter and stared at me mockingly. She looked bewildered.

  "Thomas, Thomas... The most damaging thing about you is your judgment. What happened to the perceptive man who could read me like an open book."

  She kept laughing.

  "You think I'm capable of being in another D/s relationship? You think I recovered from that night with Seth?" Lina's cackle died down and she wrapped her arms around herself. "The sight of those handcuffs reduced me to a pathetic mess. If you had ignored me and put them on my wrists, I'd have had a nervous breakdown. I can function in society and control my panic attacks. That's just the facade."

  The mockery faded from her face. She sought the comfort of my arms. I held her close while she kept talking. The pleasure of being close to her was slowly waking up.

  "I'm trying my best to fool the world into believing I have moved on. All my resources go into that effort." Lina took my hand and rubbed our fingers together. "No matter what I do, I can't make the nightmares go away. My day follows a tight schedule because if I'm not busy every second, I obsess that someone's following me. I see his fucking shadow all over the place."

  My earlier thoughts on how she'd moved on while I was suffering seemed even more petty and selfish now.

  "There are nights when every little noise in my bedroom makes me jump and freak out. I have to get up and check the entire apartment. Then I go to the bathroom and curl in the bathtub. It's the only place where I feel safe. I..." She paused hesitantly. "If you're damaged goods, Thomas, then I'm a fucking train wreck."

  I kissed her tenderly.

  "I never thought all your problems disappeared overnight, Lina. You looked like you made drastic progress. You looked composed... well, except with those Dommes." I tried to sound humorous but neither of us was in a joking mood.

  She sighed with a defeated look on her face.

  "I don't know what would be best--to never see each other again or keep torturing ourselves."

  "Before you get any ridiculous ideas in your head, you should know I don't want to give up on you," I said in a firm voice. "It kills me to think I may never see you again. But what else can we do? Nothing good comes out of two broken people trying to have a future together. Call me a coward but I'm terrified."

  Lina moved away from me and rubbed the back of her neck.

  "Can we get out of here for a little bit? Just for a walk? We can come back later to face the music but now I'm suffocating." She exhaled sharply.

  My first thought was to ask if her boyfriend would be worried and jealous if she went strolling around town with another man. Then, he let her go so I'd spank and fuck her. What was that guy's deal?

  I didn't care. Fresh air and some quiet time with Lina would be heavenly after the emotional torture of the evening. It tempted me to ask her if we could simply take a taxi and head for her place for some simple, old-fashioned lovemaking.

  "That's a fantastic idea." I smiled and gave her another light, sweet kiss. "There's a safety exit. It will take us to the right side of The Fortress. We wouldn't have to go back to the club."

  Lina tried to shrug off my suit jacket but I stopped her.

  "Keep it on. It's chilly outside, I wouldn't want you to catch a cold." I helped her to her feet. She smiled and took my hand without protest. Old Lina would've insisted she could get up herself.

  Lina wrapped her arm around my waist and smirked again. Her bright blue eyes were slowly getting their glimmer back.

  "You know, I never thought I'd live to see the day you dressed in such a formal outwear." She pulled the collar of my shirt with teasing eyes. "I didn't think you owned anything other than jeans and leather jackets."

  "Take a picture. You won't see me wearing a suit for at least another year." I led her to the dungeon door.

  It was strange how we switched from doom and gloom to a light, humorous conversation. Oh, well, there's a limit to the amount of drama one can handle in a single night. "I only did it because of Allie. Somewhere there's a dictionary with 'walking contradiction' and her picture as the definition."

  Lina raised her eyebrow at me.

  "She loves men in suits. I cave in and put one on for her birthdays. The rest of the year there's no way you'd catch me dead wearing one."

  "It's a shame. You look really good that way."

  I thought of telling her I'd wear one for her every Friday if that would make her happy. Still, I couldn't help but remember our first date when I'd tried to persuade her she could adapt a more casual style.

  It was probably one of the happiest days of my life. Everything was so simple.

  Before Lina and I walked out the door, I pulled my phone out and sent a quick text to Allie. We were going to have a serious talk once I returned to the Fortress.

  According to her, there were many secret passages in the antique building, leading to its different sections or outside. Allie showed me some of them under the explicit promise I wouldn't tell a breathing soul while I was alive. She said nobody was sure how many secret alleyways and staircases the place had. Even The Dragon wasn't sure and he had spent a long time studying every nook and cranny of his club.

  Luckily, the dungeon where she had sent us was close to one of the hidden exits. I took Lina's hand and led her through the dim hallway. The only light came from some medieval style torches hanging on the walls. Earlier, when we were walking to the room she hadn't studied her surroundings. So she looked around with curiosity. The further we went, the colder the air grew. My shirt was doing little to protect me from the crispiness. The change from my feverish state was more than welcome.

  We stopped at the end of the hallway and I touched the brick wall, in search of a place to push the panel. It'd been a long time since I'd visited The Fortress. I hoped I still remembered how to open the secret exit. Part of me was glowing with the chance to impress Lina by showing her the mysteries of The Fortress. I hoped not to make an idiot of myself.

  After a minute of running my fingers over the wall, I hit the leverage point. The panel slid under the pressure. It opened the door to a dark staircase that lead to the foundation of The Fortress. Its graveyard chill wafted my face. I froze and stood on the spot, staring at the obscure shadows of the steps winding down into the unknown. The passage was a lot like my old dungeon back home but the air brought an odor of mold and humidity.

  I turned to her with a nervous smile and squeezed her hand.

  "The staircase leads to the ground level of the building. There's another secret door that will take us straight to the street. I had forgotten how creepy it was. Perhaps it wasn't the best idea. Let's go back to the club."

  Lina stared into the darkness
over my shoulder.

  "Are you sure you know the right way?"

  "Well, it's pretty straightforward. I'll light the way with my phone and we should be fine."

  "Interesting." She smirked. "I hoped you'd have a candle up your sleeve to keep it more romantic."

  "Romance flew out the window a long time ago." I smiled sadly. "Still, if you're uncomfortable..."

  "Let's go, Thomas."

  That was more like the classic Lina I knew and loved. She straightened her posture, took my hand and looked at me with fresh courage.

  The thought of going down the stairs was getting on my nerves. I realized it was ridiculous to be afraid of the dark. Whatever was waiting for us down those murky steps couldn't be scarier than the fear in my head.

  I nodded at her, picked up my phone and turned the flashlight on.

  Lina gripped my hand in hers and walked after me in the dusky stairway. The steps were damp with condensation so we had to be careful. The moment we started descending, I regretted my gentlemanly gesture of leaving the jacket for her. Last time I was here the adrenalin and the thrill of the unknown were pumping in my veins. That night we entered a cemetery. The only source of warmth was from her fingers tangled in mine.

  I breathed in and kept walking, my eyes trying to adjust to the darkness.

  Time lost its meaning. It couldn't have taken us more than five minutes to cross the passage but it could have been years. Lina rested her warm palm on my shoulder and felt how hard I was shivering.

  "Are you scared of the dark?" Her soft voice was eerie as it echoed across the moist stone walls.

  "Nothing good happens in places like this." The thought of my dungeon crossed my mind once again. It'd been locked for so long it was probably in a much worse state than the Fortress' tunnels.

  "I beg to differ." She laughed quietly with a wicked note. "Don't worry, I'll protect you."

  "You're so lucky you're not my sub anymore." I rolled my eyes but her light humor eased the tension in my chest. Seth's voice couldn't reach me here. Lina's presence drowned him. Her warmth and gentle touch eased the fear and nightmares.