Unorthodox Chemistry

by Lilah E. Noir

  "Wow... I can't believe you judged him so well. Did you plan to seduce him all along?"

  "No, just to show him that this lifestyle is not for the faint of heart. It was pure luck he was a submissive."

  "How did you know he was a sub? You just met him." Thomas frowned and opened the door for me. "What about that grand philosophy of yours? How you can never be too sure if a man or a woman is submissive at first sight?"

  "That doesn't apply to me. You don't have my brilliant observation skills." I took him by the arm.

  "Oh, shut the fuck up, Allie." He nudged me in the ribs and we both headed for the elevator, laughing.

  Nate was sitting in one of the armchairs in the club's reception area when I walked in. He was staring at the floor and clutching my purse hard.

  Allie said she'd be monitoring us. Did she let him watch us? How much had he seen?

  My heart was beating nervously and I did my breathing exercises before I approached him. Nate had every right to be angry. I'd deserve every nasty name he chose to call me.

  It would hurt.

  I felt comfortable with Nate. I'd grown to care for him over the few months we'd spent as a couple. This night would likely be the last time I'd see him.

  I'd miss him.

  Time to face the music.

  He raised his head once he heard the racket of my high heels on the marble floor. The moment our eyes locked in a stare, I just knew. The shock rendered me speechless and numb.

  Nate looked disheveled, with rat's nest sex hair and purple hickeys all over his neck. He had taken his tie off and left the first few buttons of his shirt undone. It showed a few fading red lines around his collarbone. Another fragrance had replaced his eau de cologne. A cocktail of sweat and pheromones was oozing from his skin, triumphed by the scent of another woman.

  Allie had touched me very briefly but it was difficult to forget her natural perfume.

  He got up and stared at me with so much guilt it broke my heart.

  "I'm sorry..." He exhaled and tears started swelling in his eyes. He swallowed and looked down again.

  I walked to him and hugged him hard. He rested his head on my shoulder and pressed me tight against his body, so tight he knocked the air out of me.

  "I'm more guilty than you, Nate. I'm sorry for everything I did to you."

  When he finally pulled away from me, he was red faced with wet eyes but he had collected himself.

  "I gave you my permission but I never expected that..."

  "Shhh..." I put my hand to his lips and wiped the tears from his eyes. "Please, don't blame yourself. We need to talk. This is not the right place to do that. Let's go to my apartment."

  "You've never invited me there." He smiled sadly and stroked my cheek.

  "I know," I said with a deep sigh.

  We turned around and headed for the club's door. I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was lie down and sleep. Talking could wait.

  The taxi ride to my apartment at Mission Bay couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes but it felt longer. The awkward silence in the car was deafening in spite of the light, cheesy music. We looked out of the window at the early morning city landscape. The fog was beginning to clear and the air outside was even colder.

  We reached out to touch hands but then decided against it and pulled back at the same time. Nate stared at me briefly and looked away again. That was the moment Lana del Ray's Born To Die filled the compartment with its eerie, melancholy sound.

  Both Nate and I knew what the right choice was. All we had to do was pass the sentence.

  Why didn't that make it any easier?

  After what felt like hours of quiet torment, we got to my loft and settled on the kitchen island. I made coffee, and the rich, strong fragrance wrapped around us. It created an illusion of intimacy, just like the steam coming from our mugs.

  We spent the next few minutes sipping the hot liquid and waiting for the caffeine to kick in. Finally, Nate spoke in a rough voice. His usual positive attitude was gone.

  "I was convinced I'd resist, that I was loyal and dedicated to you. I mean, she was gorgeous but I thought I wouldn't have a fling with a girl when I could have a relationship with a real woman." He wrapped his hands around the mug. "I don't know what happened, Lina. I hate to make excuses for myself but it was as if she bewitched me."

  "No, I understand." I reached out to stroke his wrist. "Allie has that effect on people, as if she can read your dirtiest secrets. I've felt it on me too... I never thought you had a submissive bone in your body."

  "Neither did I." Nate took my hand and rubbed his thumb across my palm. He was staring at its lines as if trying to find a thread to lead us out of this maze. "What about Thomas? Is that the kind of effect he has on you?"

  I shrugged.

  "Not all the time. It was a slow burn with us but once the fire roused I couldn't stop it."

  It was difficult to say the next words while looking him in the eye but I'd been enough of a coward already.

  "I still love him, Nate."

  He nodded with a pained expression and squeezed my hand a bit tighter.

  "I figured. Actually, that's part of the reason I insisted we stayed. The moment I saw you two together I thought you still had feelings for him. I hoped you'd prove me wrong and that you'd leave with me. So, I was also being manipulative. I guess I deserved it."

  There were no innocents in this messed up geometry. That didn't make me feel any better. I put my other hand on top of our palms.

  "Nate, you might find it hard to believe but I wanted to make our relationship work. I had given up on love when we met. I thought there was no chance for Thomas and I to get back together. I tried to persuade myself I felt nothing for him, that it was time to move on. After all, we've been separated for such a long time..."

  I stared down at the black surface of the coffee.

  "You and I clicked so well. I felt good around you and I thought that should be enough. The truth was I was lonely, hurt and... I never should have started a relationship because of that."

  Nate shrugged and kept running his fingers down my wrist. Strange as it was, the touch wasn't unpleasant or awkward. It gave me the warmth I always felt around him.

  "You know what, Lina? When we met, I was just as lonely. I'd been hiding behind smiles and easy attitude, but the truth is my divorce left me pretty broken. My next girlfriends were even worse and... I was making peace with being alone for the rest of my life."

  "I'd never have guessed it." I smiled and picked up my mug for another sip. It was burning hot and warmed my body after the long walk in the fog. Still, the fatigue was getting to me and I was on the verge of collapsing. "You looked so well-adjusted."

  "You get better at hiding your true feelings behind a mask over the years." Our fingers moved together in a light caress. "When I met you, it was the first time in ages that I felt so good with a woman, so much at peace with myself. That date we had in Vegas was bliss. My depression went away. That's why I thought it was worth giving it a try. To cure my loneliness with you."

  His confession made the weight in my stomach grow even heavier. I looked away because otherwise I'd start bawling. We'd all cried way too much tonight... well, maybe except for Allie.

  "I'm sorry, Nate. I never meant to use you that way. I suspected you weren't a top from the very start and yet, I dragged you into that mess and damaged you even more."

  Nate cupped my cheek and ran his fingers across my neck with hesitant tenderness. He was still melancholic but that earlier despair was fading just like the fog outside in the dark dawn.

  "Lina, what is done is done. We can't turn back time. Maybe it happened this way for a reason. We were looking for something to make ourselves feel better. I still had a lovely few months with you. Hopefully, they were good for you, too."

  "They were." I squeezed his hand again. "Trust me, they were. Just..."

  "Yes, I know. You still love him." He nodded and his eyes were full of understanding.
"Would it make you feel better if I told you I'm glad I came with you tonight? It was good you were able to meet him and confront your feelings. It'd be a lot more painful if we had invested more time in this relationship before you realized that." His cheeks turned red and he smiled lightly. "And... I got to figure out a few things about myself."

  "Oh... Allie?"

  Why wasn't I more jealous? Yes, I was emotionally cheating on him. If I had to be honest I had no right to be jealous. Still, he was my boyfriend. Allie set us up in a situation that put our fragile relationship to the test. She used our confusion to play the game to her advantage.

  With all that in mind, I couldn't bring myself to hate her let alone be jealous. Something more, I was curious what had happened between her and Nate, a tingling, almost sensual curiosity.

  "Yes. Well, not her, I guess, just... the thing she did to me. I'm sorry, you probably don't want to hear."

  "No, don't worry." I wrapped my hands around his palm. "I mean, we both fucked up big time tonight. We might as well be honest."

  "Well..." He'd probably hoped I'd tell him I didn't want to know. His blush deepened. "She made me feel things I never thought I'd experience. To be honest, she attracted me from the moment I saw her. Then she truly cut through my defenses and... I don't know if it was the subspace you were talking about but... I loved it when she crushed my will and took full control."

  "Let me guess. Was it strangely liberating to be free of anxiety and let someone else make all the decisions?" I smiled at him with a growing sadness in my heart and some envy. Would I ever get to that high place again?

  "Yes... pretty much." Nate leaned back and ran his fingers through his hair. "I never thought there could be so much pleasure in pain. It was so fucked-up. She broke me, humiliated me, and I loved it."

  "It sounds like you did find subspace." It was difficult to hide my mild jealousy. At the same time, I was happy that the night was good for him.

  "Yes, maybe. I don't know. I'd never even have thought to try submitting to a woman if it weren't for you. It's a pity I don't have what it takes to do the same for you."

  "You are who you are, Nate." I smiled at him. "If you have found freedom through submission you need to explore it. To be honest, I wouldn't know the first thing about topping you."

  Nate laughed out loud and finished his coffee.

  "It's funny. That's exactly what Allie said, the smart bitch." He stared over my shoulder at the panoramic windows. The sky was getting lighter and the sun would show up soon.

  "You can handle it," I said with a gentle voice and held his hands. "Will you see her again?"

  "Allie? I don't know. If you had asked me that back at the club I'd have told you she was the last person I wanted to see. I need some time to make sense of the evening." Nate rubbed his temples. "What about you? Is there any hope for you and Thomas to get back together? Or have you ended it all for good?"

  There was a slight trace of hope in his voice that darkened my mood. Staying friends after this would not be an option.

  "I honestly have no idea." I walked to the kitchen counter to pour myself some more coffee. "Our relationship was always complicated. We had to hide we were together, then the picture scandal happened and... there's so much more. I'm too tired to tell it all right now."

  I leaned against the counter and took another sip.

  "I want to make one last effort with him."

  My hands trembled when I said that. I hurried to leave the mug on the counter before I spilled it all over myself. Would I lose everything in one evening? Especially if Thomas and I decided it would be the end for us.

  "I don't know if it would work. Maybe we're both too damaged to be a couple. I feel there's too much left unsaid between us. We'd either stay together or cut our losses. It's too early to say at this point."

  "Then, I guess..." Nate left his own coffee and walked around the counter to come closer to me. The poignancy in his gaze choked me. He reached out and held my hands again. "That pretty much settles things between you and me."

  "Yes." I clasped his palms harder. "It'd be unfair to make you wait until things with Thomas are clear. Besides, we can't give each other what we need."

  "You're right." Nate kissed my lips for the last time. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him closer to me. I wanted to feel his warmth and keep part of it as a memory. He slid his tongue into my mouth and I tasted him, briefly wondering if I was tasting Allie and feeling the mark she had left on him. It was a long kiss that just enhanced the ache inside my chest.

  Nate pulled away, kissed my forehead and hugged me tight. It was selfish but I didn't want to let him go just yet. He was part of my life, even if for a short time. It hurt to say goodbye.

  "I have a lot to figure out about myself." He ran his fingers through my hair and smoothed it. I leaned my head on his shoulder. "Maybe someday.., if we're both free and unburdened by old lovers... But you know, it's unlikely."

  "I'll really miss you, Nate. I hope you believe me when I say that I care for you."

  His embrace suddenly got tighter. He curled his arms around me with such despair it frightened me a little.

  "Lina," he whispered with longing. "Please, let's not say goodbye. I don't think I can handle it."

  "But Nate..." I frowned and looked at him in confusion. "There's no other way. You just said..."

  "Yes, I know what I said and I meant it. We should break up." He pressed his lips to my temple and sighed deeply. "But I don't want to lose you. I want you to stay in my life. I'd hate it if you ended up as just another ex who slipped out, never to be heard from again. Please, let's not be strangers. You might be the only person I've had a true friendship with for years."

  That would be something new. His company was soothing enough and we had so much in common, especially now he was in the process of sexual awakening.

  I had never stayed friends with any of my exes.

  "I don't know, Nate." I untangled myself from his suffocating hug. "If you still have feelings for me, it would be cruel to hang out with you like our relationship never happened."

  "I'm a grown man, Lina." He forced himself to smile and moved away to give me enough space. "I can handle being around someone I have no chance with. I know we can make it work. Besides..."

  Nate looked down at his feet, still blushing furiously.

  "You're the only person I can talk to... about kink and submission."

  That was one of the things I had been unhappy about while I was still with Thomas. There was not a soul I could have a normal conversation with about my relationship, fetishes and role as a submissive. Perhaps I should've gotten more involved with Fetlife. I never felt comfortable enough to discuss my sexual life with perfect strangers hidden behind avatars.

  Nate made sense, even if I found it strange that he was so eager to stay friends with me.

  "Are you sure? I don't want to hurt you more than I already have."

  "You'll hurt me only if you completely cut me out of your life. I promise not to be a nuisance, especially if you get together with Thomas."

  I nodded and gave him a light hug. It could work. He'd need someone to help him make sense of his sexuality, a struggle I was familiar with.

  We could be there for each other.

  It could be good.

  "Now I'd better go." He yawned and rubbed his red eyes. "That was a wicked good coffee but I'm drained. Call me to let me know what you decided?"

  "How about if I tell you now?" I walked him to the lobby while he was dialing the number of a taxi company. "We can hear from each other over the week. Let's have dinner next Friday at that place near your apartment?"

  His face lightened at my words.

  "I'd love that. We have a lot to talk about."

  "Indeed. Well, goodbye, Nate."

  When he got to the door, he stared at me as if it was the last time he would ever see me.

  "See you later, Lina." He reached out to caress my cheek. "Try to get some r
est, okay?"

  "I promise."

  He smiled again, squeezed my hand and headed for the elevator. I leaned against the door with closed eyes once Nate was out of sight. The feeling of loss was still lingering inside me. There was no way past it.

  It was getting light outside. The first rays of sunrise were peaking over the high buildings. With so much caffeine in my system and with the day about to begin, I thought I'd stay up to think about the night before. The moment I was alone, though, I ran out of strength and could hardly keep my eyes open.

  I used my last drops of energy to drag myself to the bedroom, take off my dress and collapse on the bed. Sleep knocked me unconscious and I didn't even pull up the covers. I didn't even make my usual security checks.

  That was the first time for more than a year that I slept without any dreams, good or bad. There was no chance I would wake up from the heavy, comatose slumber even if there had been an earthquake.

  When I resurfaced from the dead, I was freezing. My neck was sore and stiff from the uncomfortable position I had fallen asleep in. There was a nasty, insipid taste in my mouth. When I opened my eyes, the world was blurry. After a few blinks I fully woke up and the bedroom came into focus.

  I groaned and forced myself to get up and restore my normal blood circulation. The pounding headache and tiredness urged me to go back to sleep. It was Sunday and I didn't have much to do.

  If I didn't force myself to get up, I'd probably spend the rest of the day in bed and the rest of the night pacing back and forth in the empty apartment. The following day would be a nightmare.

  The heat in the apartment was on but with all the emotions last night, I had forgotten to turn it up a notch. My skin was covered in goosebumps. When I rolled onto my ass, I winced and remembered that last night Thomas and I had completely missed doing any kind of aftercare.

  Perhaps there was a bottle of aloe vera or arnica cream left around.

  I put on a silk, long sleeved robe, a pair of fuzzy slippers and made my way to the living room. Whenever I felt a pang of motion sickness, I leaned against the walls.