Dance of a Lifetime

by Frank Downey

  "Warren, you have to understand. When she came back to the room, she was as shook up as I've ever seen a person. She wanted to go into that rink, but couldn't. She was scared out of her mind."

  "Of what?"

  "I don't know. I'm not sure she knows. Anyhow, we were in our room after supper last night, and she was reading the internet, and she read something that disturbed her."

  "I know what it was. That's why I was at your door this morning. Well, one of the reasons. I was going to come up anyway--I tried to come up last night, but you guys weren't there. But I came up so early because I read the thing on the internet. The skating world found out about our breakup, and the person who posted the information only got part of it right, and the message was very unkind to Sophia."

  "Aaah. Well, after she read that, she said 'I'm going out'. I had to go to the library. When I came back in a few hours and she still wasn't there, I went looking for her, because I had an idea of where she went--a frat party a friend of ours told us about. Sure enough, she was there, and drunk off her ass. Shortly after I got there, she passed out, I called 911."

  "Good fucking thing you went looking for her, Elise."

  They pulled up in front of the hospital, and went to the intensive care unit. "They are only going to let one of us in at a time. They usually only let family in, but Sophia named both of us as stand-ins for family, since her family is so far away."

  "I know. I named her and Papa Bear."

  "Let me go in, and then I'll come get you."

  "OK."

  Elise walked into the room. Sophia was still tied to all the machines--but she was awake. Her eyes fluttered open, and she gave Elise a weak smile. "Hiya, roomie."

  "You're awake!"

  "Yeah. I'm going to be fine, they tell me. I managed not to pickle any of my brain. God, I'm so glad you came and found me last night."

  "You're right--the guys at that frat house didn't even want me to call 911, they were so worried about being found out."

  "They should be thanking you, now, it would have been worse if I had been dead. Which they tell me was a possibility. Oh God, Elise, what am I going to do with myself?"

  "Not do this again, for one thing. Please. I don't think my heart can take it."

  "Deal."

  "I got someone that wants to see you."

  "Who?"

  "Wait right here, I'll send them in."

  Sophia waited expectantly, looking at the door. It was a couple of minutes.

  "Warren?"

  He walked over to the bed. "Hiya, Pookie. I'm glad you're awake."

  "Warren? What are you doing here?"

  "I went looking for you this morning. After I read that stuff on the newsgroup."

  "Oh." She looked up at him. "You went looking for me because of that?"

  "Well, actually, I went looking for you last night, too. Just to talk. And I was going to try again this morning. I went to your room earlier than I had planned, though, because of the newsgroup."

  "You went looking for me last night?"

  "Yeah."

  "Shit. And I was out trying to slowly kill myself."

  "Sophie, Sophie, Sophie. What are we going to do with you?"

  She sighed. "I read the newsgroup, and I just lost it. What horrible things to read about yourself in a public forum. Especially when every word of it is true."

  "Bullshit, Sophia, you're not a slut. Have you been sleeping your way through Wisconsin?"

  "No." She managed to smile at him. "From what Jessie tells me, you have been, though."

  "Oops. She told you that?"

  "Yeah. She was trying to whip my behind into trying to get you back, by warning me that you had other options."

  "Only for sex, not for anything else."

  "Warren, you don't need to explain yourself. I set you free, not the other way around."

  "I turned one down last night." He told her about Caitlin and Papa Bear.

  "Ah, so me dumping you didn't completely obliterate your conscience. Good for Papa Bear. I hope true love works out."

  "I always tend to hope that myself." She looked up, startled, right into his eyes. He looked back. "Sophie? Why did you run away from the ice rink on Wednesday, when you heard what I was saying?"

  "Elise told you about that?" Warren nodded. Sophia thought for a minute. "I don't know. I just don't know. It was like blind, irrational terror, or something."

  "Why did you break up with me in the first place?"

  "I don't know that, either. Warren, I'm so, so sorry. I'm so sorry for what I did. Can you ever forgive me?"

  "Of course, Pookie, all you had to do was ask." Sophia smiled. Warren took a deep breath. "Sophia, I love you. I never stopped. I want to see if we can fix this, and get back together."

  Sophia smiled wider. "I want that, too."

  "But I don't think we can just pick up where we left off. Too much has happened."

  "What do you mean?"

  "I mean, that I just asked you two questions. You answered both of them with 'I don't know'. I think you need to figure out the answers to those two questions. "

  "You're right." She thought for a minute. Her voice got softer. "I just don't know if I can do this alone."

  "You have to."

  "Where does this leave us, then? Are you going to walk back out that door and leave me to sort through my addled mind by myself?"

  "No," he smiled at her. "I'll be here. I just don't want to rush back into anything." He took a deep breath. "Look, Sophia, if we get back together, I don't want to be looking over my shoulder."

  "You won't, I can promise you that. The past six weeks will be a painful reminder of what happens when I do stupid things."

  "I believe you. You still need to figure out why you did it in the first place."

  "Part of it was you, you know. You blew me off for three weeks," she said angrily.

  "I know. And I'm sorry."

  "You should be!" She took a deep breath. "Shit, why the hell am I getting mad at you?"

  "Because you have a good reason to. Sophia, I never claimed to be perfect. I know damn well that I could have handled those first three weeks, and my schoolwork, better than I did."

  Sophia gave him a little grin. "Glad to know I'm not the only one that's been feeling guilty."

  "No, you aren't."

  "But, you're right. That wasn't the only reason. If it was, I overreacted to an extreme. I just don't know."

  Just then, a nurse came in. "Sophia?"

  "Yes?"

  "Two things. We're transferring you to a regular room in a bit. We're going to keep you overnight, and, if everything looks OK, you'll be able to leave tomorrow."

  "OK."

  "Second thing is this: we have a psychiatrist that we bring in, if we think she's needed. Her name is Mary Derocher. She's seen your file, and would like to talk to you."

  Sophia thought for a minute, then made a decision. "Yes. Yes, I think that would be a very good idea. I need help."

  "Wow, that was easy," the nurse smiled.

  "We've been talking about that before you came in."

  "Good. I'll tell Mary."

  * * *

  Warren volunteered to go pick Sophia up at the hospital Sunday at noon. Elise was glad to let him--she had had plans, and thought she was going to have to cancel them.

  She was still weak, so the doctor had told her to try to stay in bed for the rest of Sunday. She was allowed to go to class on Monday.

  "You need anything?" Warren asked her after she had gotten into bed.

  "I need my books. I have to study."

  Warren grabbed them and brought them over to her. "Anything else?"

  "Actually, if you don't mind, a pot of tea would be nice."

  "I don't mind at all," Warren smiled at her. He found the Mrs. Tea maker she had with her, and her tin of Earl Grey, and started the tea.

  "So, did you talk to that psychiatrist?" he asked her.

  "Yeah. I'm going to see her three times a week
, Monday, Wednesday and Friday, at quarter to three, for an hour each time."

  "Good. Did you call your mother?"

  Sophia sighed. "Yeah. Called her from the hospital yesterday. She freaked, but then calmed down a little bit. Called Jessie, too. Mom was going to call Dad for me."

  The tea was done, so Warren poured her a cup, adding cream and sugar the way she liked it.

  "Your tea, Madame. Listen, I have a pile of studying to do."

  "That's fine, I'll be OK."

  "No, no. I'm not leaving. I'm just going to get my books. You need someone here with you today, and Elise is gone until tonight, so I'll be right back."

  She smiled at him. "Thanks, Warren."

  He smiled back, and went downstairs to fetch his books.

  * * *

  They studied all afternoon, occasionally chatting a bit about not much, listening to the Beatles. It got to be about 5:30, and Warren looked up from his textbook. "Hey, I'm starving. Have you gotten any appetite back yet?"

  "Yeah," Sophia said. "A little. They told me to stick to soup and stuff, though."

  "Soup, a little toast, that kind of thing?

  "Yeah."

  "Give me your meal card. I should be able to swing this. I'll bring it back up."

  "OK..." She handed the meal card over. He left, and came back up about fifteen minutes later, with chicken soup and toast for her, and a burger for himself.

  "Here you go, Pookie."

  "Thanks, Snugglebear." She beamed at him, then got serious. "I was thinking while you were gone. I just keep putting you in situations where you need to take care of me, don't I?"

  "I suppose." He took a bite out of the burger. Then he grinned. "At least this time I didn't have to clean up any vomit."

  Sophia giggled, and then said "I am trying to be serious. I can't help but think that I cause you more problems than I'm worth."

  "Yeah, and that's your biggest problem, Sophia. That you think that. That's why you let me stew in my own misery for six weeks instead of telling me you had made a mistake. Don't you understand that?"

  "I'm not sure."

  "Stop doing my thinking for me. If you caused me more problems than you were worth, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't do this. OK?"

  "OK," she smiled at him.

  They finished their meal in silence, and Warren stayed with her late into the night.

  * * *

  Sophia went to class Monday, and felt OK. She met with Mary Monday afternoon. Warren's schedule that week was tough--he had exams in almost every class, and a paper due in English Comp, as it was the week before Thanksgiving--but he made sure he saw her every day. Wednesday, after their classes and before her session with Mary, they ate lunch.

  "So how are you feeling?" Warren asked her.

  "Physically? Perfectly fine. All recovered."

  "Good."

  She went to her session with Mary that afternoon. They were still talking about her early years, what happened with Scott and some of the others. Sophia had mentioned Warren, but Mary and she were leading up to that.

  When her session ended, she walked out of Mary's office, and was surprised to see Warren standing there.

  "Hi, Warren. What are you doing here?"

  "The second part of your therapy."

  "Huh? Oh, this is Mary. Mary, this is Warren." They shook. "Now, what do you mean, second part of my therapy?"

  "The physical part. Sophia, you look like hell. You've lost weight. Your muscle tone is gone."

  "Gee, thanks."

  "Don't mention it. You need to get your ass in gear. Nationals is in less than two months, you know."

  "Nationals?"

  "Nationals." He held up the bag that contained her skates. "Remember, ice dancing? Our ice time starts in fifteen minutes. I'm sick of not having a partner. Let's go."

  Sophia beamed. "You still want to skate with me? Even though our relationship is still, kind of, you know..."

  "Yes, I still want to skate with you. Like I said, therapy. Maybe not just physical therapy, either." He held up another bag. "I even brought that sexy black practice dress of yours."

  "You rascal. Let's go."

  They practiced. It was ragged, and Sophia was clearly out of shape, but it felt good, to both of them.

  Chapter 62 - Something Old, Something New

  "So, we're up to the point where you met Warren." Mary was saying. It was the beginning of their Friday session.

  "Yeah. We were just friends." Sophia told her a bit about how their friendship developed.

  "You seem to have let him in pretty quickly."

  "I don't know if I let him in or he burrowed his way in," Sophia laughed. "For some reason, though, I trusted him almost immediately. You have to know him. There's something about him. Everybody that knows him trusts him, I found out later. "

  "OK. When did you know you were starting to think of him as more than a friend?"

  "I'm not sure. I was so fucked up then, I wasn't sure what I was thinking. I think I started to feel that way long before I admitted it to myself."

  "Do you know why your feelings for him developed?"

  "It started because of the way he treated me. I had never been treated like that, not even from people that claimed to love me. Now, with some people--like my Mother--it was because I didn't give them the chance to treat me well. But, comparing Warren to every boyfriend I had ever had at that point, he treated me miles better. I think that was the beginning. He just made me feel... loved. I hadn't felt loved in a long time."

  "I think that was the first inkling, but I wasn't admitting it to myself yet. What happened after that was that I got to know him better and better. Everything I saw, I liked, you know?"

  They talked a little about how their relationship had developed, and what the first three-plus years were like.

  "It sounds almost idyllic, Sophia," Mary commented.

  "Yeah, it was."

  "OK, so you have this wonderful relationship with this wonderful guy. You come out here, and in three weeks, you end it."

  "Yeah."

  "Why?"

  "I don't know."

  "What was going through your mind?"

  "Lots of things. First of all, there was another guy." She explained about Eduardo.

  "But that wasn't enough to break you guys up, was it? It shouldn't have been."

  "No. Although I think I tried to convince myself that it was. I hadn't seen Warren almost at all in three weeks. We got here, and his nose got buried in a textbook. He had a hard time adjusting to his workload."

  "And you didn't take that well."

  "No I didn't."

  "Did you believe him, that he had that much work?"

  "That's a good question. You have to understand, Warren is incredibly gifted academically. He graduated third in his high school class, from a very tough school, and still made time for me, and for our ice dancing, and he worked every year except Senior, because that's when our ice dancing really took off. He juggled everything masterfully, for the three and a half school years I knew him. To see him overwhelmed by schoolwork was a very new experience."

  "And you got suspicious that there was more to it."

  "Maybe I did. Subconsciously, I think I did. My brain knew that Warren is as honest as the day is long, and wouldn't hurt me if his life depended on it. I don't know. Something inside me just... panicked."

  "And Eduardo was coming on strong."

  "Real strong. Sending me love notes, romancing me, grabbing me in the hall outside class. Plus I had girls on my floor telling me I was nuts for staying with a high school boyfriend in college, that I should be living it up. It was too much."

  "So you broke up with him. Did that ever feel right?"

  Sophia thought. "No. It never did. It felt necessary." She turned her head, and gazed out the window. "But I still don't know why it felt necessary."

  * * *

  Warren called Sophia up on Saturday afternoon and asked her on a real, honest-to-goodness date. S
he eagerly accepted. They went to a movie and for some Chinese food afterwards, and had a great time. He even kissed her goodnight. She told him that Mary had asked him to come to their next session on Monday, and he agreed.

  Sunday, Warren went to her door early in the morning. "You ready to skate?"

  "You betcha!"

  "Hey, can I come watch?" Elise asked.

  "Sure!' Sophia said. "As long as you realize I'm way out of shape and we're not very good at the moment."

  Elsie laughed. "I'll cut you some slack."

  "You won't be the only spectator there. I wanted a chance to talk to you about this, Soph. Papa Bear and Caitlin wanted to come."

  "Cool."

  Warren took a deep breath. "And Alexa. I actually asked her to come. She's going to help us out with something."

  "Alexa's the main one you've been sleeping with, right?" Sophia asked him.

  "Yeah. But, first and foremost, she's a friend. She's known about you all along, you know. And she comes watch me skate a lot--she likes to watch. And she's really looking forward to watching us skate together."

  "OK. Fine. I can handle this."

  When the three of them got to the rink, Papa Bear, Caitlin, and Alexa were already there.

  "Hi Kids!" Warren yelled as he and Sophia stepped onto the ice. Sophia looked at them--Alexa, really--a bit warily. Elise went around and sat with them, introducing herself.

  Warren skated over to the boards, and put the boombox they used for their music in front of Alexa. "Got the camera, Lex?"

  "Sure do."

  "Camera?" Sophia asked.

  "Alexa's got a digital camera."

  Alexa smiled at her. "Warren and I talked about this. We've got a plan, and I'm going to use this digital camera to get the internet vultures off of your back."

  "All will be revealed, I promise," Warren told her.

  "OK."

  "Now. Sinatra?" Warren asked her.

  "Sure. Let's see how much we remember."

  Alexa cued up the music for them, and they went through it a couple of times, isolating certain parts, and working on moves. It wasn't going particularly well.