by RC Boldt
Raine took a sip of her coffee, thinking to herself, It was now or never.
Clearing her throat, she looked at him tentatively. “Speaking of taking things into consideration . . .”
He looked at her curiously. “Yes?”
“I’ve been thinking about things . . . about us, actually. I’m really not eloquent at all with this kind of thing.” She paused for a moment.
“What I’m trying to say is that I love you.” Her words were rushed as she finished with a wince, afraid of his reaction to her declaration.
Mac merely stared down at her as if he were dumbfounded by her announcement.
She covered her eyes with her hands. “Oh, shit. I just totally ruined everything, didn’t I?”
She peeked at him from between her fingers. “Why don’t we just pretend I didn’t say that, okay?”
Mac opened his mouth to speak but his response was cut off by the sound of the door to the back deck opening along with Laney and Foster’s voices. Her back was facing them but she saw the look of surprise on Mac’s face at the unexpected arrival of their friends.
And when his eyes met hers, she knew the exact moment he recognized the look of sheer panic on her own.
“HEY, MAC! I managed to get Foster to take a walk with me this morning and . . .” Laney trailed off the moment she noticed him standing there in the kitchen with Raine in front of him.
Luckily, the island blocked their view of her from the waist down, but by the way Laney’s eyes widened, he knew it was pretty obvious what had been going on between them.
Talk about shit timing. Raine had completely caught him off guard when she had told him she loved him.
Holy shit. She loves me.
He couldn’t believe it. His heart felt like it would burst from his chest at the knowledge. Seeing as how Laney and Foster had just barged in on them, he presumed this would be it; this would be their introduction into letting everyone know that he and Raine were officially together.
Until he looked down to see the look of horror on her face at them being discovered by their friends. That was when he realized his mistake.
Every single person in his childhood who had professed to love him had lied. They said it because they had wanted something from him: his parents had wanted him to pick pockets so they could get their next fix, his foster parents wanted him to lie to the case worker and say his bruises were from clumsiness, girls back in school had wanted what he could do for them sexually but wouldn’t acknowledge him in front of others the next day.
He could let all of that go. But Raine? He never thought that she would treat him like that. That he would be only good enough to be her dirty little secret.
Mac felt absolutely gutted.
There was only one way to salvage this, to salvage his pride.
“Well. I guess we’re interrupting something?” Laney looked at them, questioning.
Foster merely stood there with his arms crossed as if enjoying being a spectator.
“Nope, nothing at all. Want some coffee?” Mac turned away from Raine and reached into the cabinet for two more mugs.
“Raine was just about to leave,” he added. He didn’t turn at her inhaled gasp. He steeled himself against reacting to her.
“We can, uh, leave so you two can finish, uh, talking,” Laney offered, sounding nervous.
“Nope. We’re done here.” Even he could hear the cold distance in his voice.
Mac poured the coffees and turned to offer them to his friends.
Don’t look at her. Don’t look at her. Don’t look at-
Raine’s eyes were welled up with tears, staring at him as if she were stunned, devastated at his dismissal of her. He tore his gaze away from hers and walked over to take a seat at the dining room table, setting down the coffees. Mac stiffened at the sound of Raine’s small cry of anguish before hearing her footsteps run to the bedroom.
“Why don’t you two have a seat?” he asked casually.
Foster shot him an icy glare before taking the seat at the other end of the table. Laney finally snapped out of her stunned daze to shoot Mac a dirty look and hastily go off after Raine.
“What the fuck just happened?” Foster hissed quietly.
Mac shrugged as if his friend hadn’t just witnessed the scene from a minute earlier.
“Nothing important.”
“Bullshit,” Foster leaned his forearms on the table. “Even I can figure out that some serious shit just went down.”
Mac forced himself to maintain an even tone. “We fucked last night and now we’re done. I’m over it. End of story.”
“You’re an asshole!” Raine shouted, making his and Foster’s head whip in her direction.
“And a liar,” she added, walking up to him all rumpled, in her dress from the night before. Standing before him as he sat slouched in his chair, she poked her index finger in his chest. “You’re a liar. What about last night? That wasn’t fucking. I made love to you,” her voice cracked and she backed away from him.
“I told you I loved you, Mac.” There was sorrow in her eyes. “You didn’t have to end it like this. You could’ve just told me.”
He could see her throat working as she tried to keep tears at bay.
“I just did.” He was proud of how calm he spoke those words.
Raine’s lips pressed together and she shook her head.
“Whatever you did to skew things in your head, just know that you messed up. You threw away someone who wanted to love you. Someone who would have loved you forever,” she broke off, clearing her throat before swiping at a stray tear from her cheek.
“You’re going to be the one who has to live with that for the rest of your life. Because once I walk through that door, Mac, I won’t come back.”
He gave her a stony, detached stare. “Don’t forget your shoes by the front door.”
She stared at him a moment before she walked toward the door, head held high with Laney following closely behind. As soon as the two of them had left, he turned to meet Foster’s glare. The two men stared at each other for a long moment until Foster finally broke the silence.
“You fucked up, man. I’d knock the shit out of you right now, but I think you’ve done enough damage all by yourself.” His friend stood from the table.
“You’re back inside your head, back to when you had some really shitty times in your life. I get it, man. I get that life dealt you more than your allotted quota of shit, but that girl right there,” he pointed his thumb in the direction where Raine had left. “That girl offered up her fucking heart to you, Mac. And when someone like Raine gives her love to someone else, she does it unconditionally.
“And you threw it away because you, what, didn’t give her the benefit of the doubt? You thought that she was the same type of fucked up, shitty people you dealt with growing up?”
Foster shook his head at him in pity and made his way to the door. “You need to get your shit together, man. Seriously.”
The door closed quietly behind his friend and Mac snorted in dismissal of his lecture.
But as Mac sat there in silence, staring at the kitchen to where he and Raine had stood earlier, remembering how happy he had felt, a part of him wondered if maybe Foster was right.
“THAT FUCKER.” ADAM’S succinct response to what went down earlier between Mac and herself nearly made her smile.
She and Laney had filled him in once they had walked back to her place. Well, more like Laney had done the telling since she had been crying too hard to speak once they had entered her house. She had finally managed to somewhat calm herself down.
“I’ve got to get a shower. I just want to scrub this whole thing off of me,” she told them quietly.
Laney’s sympathetic gaze met her eyes. “I’m going to head over to get your favorite salad from The Circle and we’ll break out a bottle of wine and bash men.”
She turned to Adam. “No offense.”
He held up a hand. “None taken. I’m on board with
the men bashing thing. God knows, I can do some of my own.”
Laney turned back to Raine. “You want us both to leave to go get the food and give you some time to yourself?”
Raine gave a brief nod. “Thanks, guys.”
“Anything for our girl.” They both hugged her tight. “We’ll be back in a bit.”
As soon as they left, Raine went into the bathroom and shucked off her dress and bra. Stepping into the hot shower, she let the water rain over her, wishing it could wash her heartache down the drain.
Raine scrubbed herself clean, vowing that she would be strong enough to get past this. To move on from having the man she loved, the man who she professed her love for, all but clutch her heart in his fist and squeeze the life out of it before tossing it aside as if it were worthless.
I can -no, I will- get over this.
These words of encouragement fought their way into her mind but faltered as the pain of the gaping hole in her chest where her heart had been took over.
As she sunk down on her shower floor, curled up with her arms wrapped tightly around her legs, the water pouring over her, a small part of her wondered if she would ever manage to feel whole again.
MAC MADE THE drive to school, yet again, alone the following Friday. No Raine to pick up, no endless chatter or banter to make the drive to work entertaining. Just himself and the white noise of the radio. He definitely needed to start taking Betsy to work from now on. Maybe that would help.
As soon as the thought crossed his mind, he recalled the way Raine would hold onto him, arms wrapped tight, her body pressed against his, and knew it wouldn’t help.
He felt like he was tormented by the memory of her. He felt her everywhere, saw her pressed up against his front door, on her knees before him, sprawled in his bed in her glorious nakedness, and beautifully rumpled as she slept in his bed. The one main image continuously replaying in his mind was of her pain-filled eyes brimming with tears, looking up at him as if he had been the one to eviscerate her heart.
Had he been wrong about her? Had she merely been caught off guard by Laney and Foster’s arrival? Had she truly been willing to be with him? To not treat him like a dirty secret any longer? He felt like he was losing his mind with all these questions and conflicting feelings running through it.
Mac wasn’t sure what to think anymore. He hadn’t seen but a glimpse of Raine the past four weeks. It was as if she had dropped off the radar during their week of Spring Break. She hadn’t shown up for their normal karaoke Saturday and certainly hadn’t sent him any text messages about going for a run on their usual days.
Raine had kept her classroom door closed and locked, with the shade drawn down over the small window in the mornings before school began. She only opened it just before the bell rang for students to enter their classrooms. She did the same during her lunch period and planning period. The mood amongst their friends felt tense, as if they were waiting for one or both of them to lash out at any minute. Hell, even when they had a Monday faculty meeting, Raine arrived last at the table and sat farthest away from him, never making eye contact.
A perfect example was at the last meeting when Mr. Pratt, their principal, had called Raine up to address the teachers regarding their modified schedules during the two weeks of state-wide standardized testing. She had informed the fourth-, fifth-, and sixth-grade teachers to let her know if they would prefer to have an abbreviated Science Lab during those weeks. Since testing ended by noon each day, teachers would have a limited amount of instruction time remaining afterward to recap any skills and material with students. Raine had asked that they either tell her their choice after the meeting or email her by that Wednesday with their decision so that she could work on making the modified Science Lab schedule.
As soon as she had taken her seat after speaking to the faculty, most of their table had silently written their choice on the post-it notes Laney had brought with her and given each of them. After Mac wrote down his preference, he had added a note to the bottom.
Can we talk after work?
He watched as Raine went through all the notes given to her from their table and waited until she came to his. She marked something down on her clipboard before looking at his paper again, staring at it a moment before sliding it onto the pile with the others. Then, she returned her attention to their vice principal who was addressing them.
Guess he had his answer.
RAINE COULDN’T BELIEVE Mac had the audacity to ask her to talk to him after work. On a freaking note. Who did he think he was? After he had all but kicked her out of his house in front of their friends?
She felt Laney’s stare and glanced over to see her friend raise her eyebrows, eyes darting to Mac and then back to her. Raine shook her head briefly before tuning back in to their vice principal droning on about test security and basically telling them not to give students answers.
Duh.
Once they were released from the meeting, Laney and Tate instantly jumped up to walk out of the media center with her, one on each side, acting like her bodyguards. They had made it up the stairs to the second floor and had turned the corner when she heard his voice.
“Raine.”
“Keep walking. Please,” she begged her two friends quietly. She heard his footsteps speed up.
“Raine, wait,” he called out again.
They made it to her classroom and Raine hastily stuck her key in the door to unlock it. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Tate turn around. Laney grabbed the handle of the door and all but hauled Raine inside her classroom. Raine walked over to her desk, heart thudding loudly in her ears at the close call with Mac. Taking a few deep breaths, she looked over at Laney standing guard at the door, watching whatever was going on outside with Tate and Mac.
“What’s the verdict? Think I can escape soon,” her weak attempt at humor falling short.
“I think our girl is handling him pretty well. Shocking since it is Tate, after all,” Laney muttered. Tate was known to be the more easygoing one of their group. The fact that she was taking on Mac for Raine’s benefit spoke volumes.
“Ooh, I think he’s walking away. Yes, he’s headed back to his room,” Laney turned to her. “Get your butt ready to roll, sister. You’d better be prepared to all but sprint out of here and to your car because he did not have the look of someone who has officially given up yet.”
Raine shook her head. “I don’t understand why he’s even bothering now.”
Laney’s gaze was thoughtful. “Sometimes, guys are idiots.” She shrugged. “He’s probably just now coming to realize it.”
“Well, it’s too little too late.”
Laney’s searching gaze landed on her. “If you’re certain.”
Raine didn’t answer.
Because the truth of the matter was, she wasn’t certain about much of anything anymore.
“HEARD ABOUT THE, uh, stalker you had at work the other day.” Adam had just showered after getting back from his shift at the hospital. He raised his eyebrows at her.
Raine rolled her eyes. She did not want to hash this out again. Every day that week, she had dodged Mac at work. It was to the point that she had assigned Laney and Tate specific knocks for when they stopped by her classroom so she knew it was safe to open her door. It helped that they had testing going on for most of the day.
She ignored Adam and continued washing the dishes she had dirtied from making dinner.
“Raine, are you just going to let it go at that?”
She paused in her scrubbing and stared down at the soapy water.
“I’m done, Adam. I’m over it,” her voice was just above a whisper. She resumed scrubbing.
“Well, I guess this might be either the best or the worst time to talk about your birthday coming up,” he paused dramatically. “And the subject of our pact.”
She gave a tiny laugh. “What about our pact?”
“Welllll,” he slid atop the chair at her kitchen table. “It means that you’ll be thirty ye
ars old in two days and since neither one of us appears to be with the person of our dreams, maybe we should discuss marriage.”
Raine turned to stare at him. “You’re serious? Adam, that was something we came up with when we were, like, what? Twenty-one?” Her look was skeptical. “You don’t really think that’s the best choice for us to make. Is it?”
Adam looked away, eyes downturned, sad. “Honestly, yes, there’s a large part of me that thinks it is the best choice for us.”
His gaze found hers, again. “The person I wish I could be with, the one who has my heart, won’t be honest with himself and everyone else so,” he shrugged, “there’s no point in me looking elsewhere.”
Adam stood and walked over to where she leaned against the kitchen sink.
“If you’re honest, too, you’re pretty much in the same boat with Mac. Raine, we know each other inside and out. We love each other and, okay, maybe it’s not in the romantic sense, but I’d do anything for you and you know that.”
Raine watched him reach out to wipe away a tear which had fallen down her cheek.
“We could adopt or do in-vitro, whatever you want. I promise I’d be faithful to you.”
“But, Adam . . . what if he changes his mind and wants to have a relationship with you?” she asked, her voice thick with emotion.
He merely shook his head, sadly. “He won’t, Raine.”
She just stared at him, not sure what was shocking her the most: Adam’s suggestion that they marry or that a part of her was actually considering it.
MAC LOOKED AT the calendar reminder on his phone Sunday morning:
Raine’s 30th birthday
He clicked on the dismiss button and tossed his phone back on the couch. He had known her birthday was coming up. Hell, he had bought her present weeks earlier, back when they were still best friends and their fling had been in full force.