Trying

by Heather MacKinnon

  I laughed humorlessly. “I did have a choice, or have you forgotten?”

  His eyes hardened, and he blew out a big breath. “No, I haven’t forgotten.”

  “So, you remember why I had gone to the doctor that day? Remember the decision I’d made?”

  “We, Mack. We made that decision.”

  “It’s my body, Bryson! It was ultimately my decision. It always was.”

  “And you were making the right one!” He was breathing hard now, and I could see him trying to control his temper. “You know we couldn’t have had a baby back then. We were both in school, living on campus, barely holding down part-time jobs while tackling full class schedules. What, were we going to raise a baby in a dorm? Be reasonable, Mack.”

  I shook my head, at a loss for my own words while Bryson’s swam through my head.

  “We were just kids, babe. We were unprepared and unfit. We wouldn’t have been able to give that baby the life it deserved. We could barely take care of ourselves back then. You need to let this guilt go. You’ve carried it for long enough.”

  Tears filled my eyes “I don’t know how,” I whispered. “Especially now, when we’re actually trying to get pregnant, it just makes me think of what we had. It makes me scared that it was our only shot.”

  Bryson shook his head as he snaked an arm around my back and pulled me into his chest. “That was not our only shot, Mack. You were meant to be a mother. And you will be. It was easy last time.” He chuckled humorlessly and shook his head. “Too easy, actually. And it’ll be easy this time too, you’ll see.”

  I sniffed, wiping a few stray tears from my cheeks and snuggled into Bryson’s arms. “What if it’s not?” My voice was small and if he wasn’t so close to me, I’m not sure he would have heard it.

  He kissed my head and squeezed me tighter. “Then we’ll deal with that too. Together. Just like we do everything else.”

  I nodded slowly, willing his words to work their way through my doubts.

  “But we need to get something straight, Mack.” I leaned back so I could meet his hazel gaze. “You didn’t have a choice but to terminate the last pregnancy. It wasn’t possible to keep it. And even if it had been, and you had aborted, it would still be okay. It wouldn’t make you a bad person. It just meant that we both made some bad decisions along the way. Nothing more, nothing less.”

  He stared at me for a long moment, almost as if he were willing the words to sink in. Forcing me to believe him and see myself and our situation the way he did.

  I knew, intellectually, that he was right. Of course, he was. We couldn’t have had a baby back then. We were babies. Women got abortions every day for all kinds of reasons and I don’t judge them why couldn’t I do the same for myself?

  I decided right then and there that I needed to turn a new page. Start fresh. If I wanted to get pregnant and start a family, I needed to do it the right way. And that meant I needed to leave the baggage in the past and focus on the future.

  And in that moment, wrapped in Bryson’s arms with his sweet eyes full of love and concern for me, I knew our future was as bright as could be. All I had to do was follow the nurse’s instruction and enjoy myself and my new husband, and I was determined to do just that.

  Chapter 5

  Present

  “Bryson, what are you doing? We’re gonna’ be late.”

  He was at the desk in our home office, hunched over the keyboard of his desktop computer. His thick brows were drawn over eyes that were reflecting the light of the screen. He glanced up for a split second. “What time is it?”

  I sighed. “It’s already two-thirty and mom said they’re eating at four. We need to get on the road.”

  “You go on. I’ll be by later.”

  My jaw fell open. “You want me to go without you?”

  He nodded distractedly. “I have a video conference with some important clients overseas that I can’t miss.”

  I didn’t even know where to begin. I wasn’t sure if I was more mad, or sad, or something else entirely. I think I was too surprised to settle on just one emotion.

  “Bryson, it’s Thanksgiving.” Maybe he’d forgotten? I mean, I know it was a Thursday, but his office was closed just like mine was. Surely, they didn’t expect him to work today.

  “Not in Germany, it’s not.”

  I took a deep breath and counted back from ten before responding. To be honest, I didn’t even know what to say at this point. Where was the man who loved spending time with family? With me? What was happening?

  And most importantly, what did this mean?

  The road we were heading down was bleak at best. What would it take to derail us from this crash course we were on? And who would be the one to save us? Because I could admit that I might have been a part of the problem at first, but I was doing my best to fix us now. He, on the other hand, seemed to be completely checked out at this point.

  How could I reach him?

  I wasn’t sure I could, but knew I needed to try.

  I took another deep breath and stepped into the office. Bryson’s eyes stayed glued to his screen while I rounded the desk to stand next to him. I reached out and placed a hand on the back of his neck.

  It struck me then that I couldn’t remember the last time I’d touched him like this. We used to not be able to keep our hands off each other. And not necessarily in a sexual way. The touches didn’t always lead to more, they were just little affirmations.

  I’m here.

  I’m with you.

  I love you.

  It had been far too long since either of us had said something like that to the other.

  Bryson sighed at my touch and leaned back in his desk chair, dislodging my hand as he brought his own up to rub his eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Mackenzie. I know this isn’t how you wanted to spend your Thanksgiving, but this is an important meeting. I promise, as soon as it’s over, I’ll be on the road. I just need a little more time.”

  “I’ll wait with you, then,” I offered, tucking my empty hands into my sides as I crossed my arms.

  Bryson shook his head and returned his attention to the computer. “No, you don’t need to do that. You don’t need to eat a cold Thanksgiving dinner just because I have to work. Go spend time with your family, and I’ll catch up with you in a little while.”

  My shoulders drooped as I released a big breath. Bryson didn’t acknowledge me again as I left the office and headed upstairs to finish getting ready.

  The last thing, the very last thing I wanted to do was show up to Thanksgiving dinner alone. I didn’t want to answer the questions, endure the looks, or hear the unspoken assumptions everyone would be making.

  Who shows up to a family holiday party without their spouse, anyway?

  A dark little voice in the back of my head whispered someone who’s losing their husband.

  I didn’t bother saying goodbye to Bryson before leaving the house and getting in my car that I finally got out of the shop. My parents’ house was about an hour away and I spent the whole time worrying about what they’d say when I arrived alone. I took that hour to lock the fake smile in place and to fortify my resolve.

  Everything was fine between Bryson and I.

  There was nothing to worry about.

  He just had some business he couldn’t put off until tomorrow and he’d be here soon.

  I repeated those phrases over and over until I pulled into my parents’ crowded driveway. My brother and sister-in-law had already arrived, so I was the last one here. Besides Bryson, of course.

  The front door was unlocked, so I let myself in and took off my coat before setting off to find the rest of the family.

  “Hello? Mom?”

  “In here, Mackenzie!” It sounded like her voice was coming from the kitchen, so I followed the delicious scents of Thanksgiving until I found the rest of my family.

  “Happy Thanksgiving everybody,” I said before holding out my hands to my sister-in-law. “And give me that baby.�
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  Everyone laughed as they called out greetings, but I wasn’t paying attention anymore. My sister-in-law, Dina, was still smiling as she stood to place her five-month-old daughter into my greedy hands.

  I pulled the baby close and buried my nose in her soft hair. “Hi, baby.” The little girl cooed and drooled, and I took that as her greeting for me.

  I hadn’t even been in the door a full three minutes and the question I was dreading was voiced.

  “Where’s Bryson,” my mother asked.

  I sighed and shifted baby Maddy onto my right hip, so I could face my family. Not that I wanted to. If I had my way, I’d escape to the living room and spend my time squeezing my niece and inhaling that baby smell that sent my ovaries into a riot.

  “He’s on his way.”

  There, hopefully that will appease them.

  Yeah, right.

  My mom frowned. “On his way? Why didn’t you two drive together?” She was a small woman, standing at only a little over five feet, with large blue eyes like mine, and ash blonde hair. But, what she lacked in size, she more than made up for in tenacity.

  “He had some business to finish. He said he’d be right behind me.” Not exactly what he said, but close enough.

  My brother, Connor, took his turn. “He’s working on Thanksgiving? I didn’t think his office would be open.”

  I sighed and pulled Maddy closer. “It’s not open. He had a video conference with an overseas client.”

  My brother snorted. “Is that what they’re calling it nowadays? Video conferences?”

  I ignored Connor’s jab as my mother slapped the back of his head loud enough to be heard across the room. He rubbed it tenderly and sulked in his chair as my father took over the interrogation.

  John O’Brian was a formidable man, standing well over six feet tall, with salt and pepper hair and soft brown eyes, the man was like a lumberjack on the outside, and a marshmallow on the inside. “Is he gonna’ be here in time for dinner?”

  I shrugged and avoided his eyes. If anyone could read me, it was my dad. “He said he’d try to make it, but we should eat without him if he’s not here by four.” Again, I was paraphrasing. But, with Bryson’s word count with me severely lacking lately, I was forced to embellish a bit.

  I didn’t want anyone to know how rough things had gotten between us. It was bad enough I had to show up here alone. My family didn’t need any more fuel for this particular fire.

  Before they could grill me some more, I held Maddy up and sniffed her bottom. “Looks like Maddy needs a diaper change.” Dina moved to stand, but I held up a hand to stop her. “I’m already up, I’ll do it. Is her bag in the living room?”

  “Yeah right next to the stairs,” Dina said, her wise eyes telling me I wasn’t fooling her.

  I smiled wide. “Great. I’ll be right back, then.”

  I quickly escaped the kitchen and carried Maddy into the living room, bypassing her diaper bag. My little scapegoat didn’t actually need to be changed, I just needed to get out from underneath the microscope my family had me under.

  Now that I thought about it, it was less of a microscope and more like a magnifying glass. Like one of those big ones that kids used to channel the heat of the sun and burn things like sticks and leaves on boring summer days. Yeah, that analogy worked better because my family held the magnifying glass and I was like a brittle leaf, just waiting to catch fire.

  A few minutes later, Dina wandered into the living room with Maddy’s diaper bag in hand. She raised a brow at me and I sighed in defeat.

  “Okay, you caught me.”

  Dina chuckled. “I knew she didn’t need to be changed, because I had just changed her ten minutes before you got here.” She shivered delicately. “It was a blowout. Not fun at all.”

  I laughed softly and looked Maddy in her blue-gray eyes. “Did you do that? Did you poop all over the place and make mommy clean it up?” Maddy smiled and shoved a tiny fist in her gummy mouth. “What a good girl gettin’ all that out before your aunt Mack got here. But, next time you should make daddy clean it up.”

  Dina laughed from her seat beside me. “Yeah, right. Connor would’ve thrown up if he had to clean up the mess she made earlier.”

  I eyed my niece again. “It was that bad, huh Mads?”

  The baby smiled again and kicked her legs against my lap. I laughed and kissed her fat baby cheeks, first one and then the other over and over until she was giggling and squawking in my arms. I couldn’t help but laugh at the little sounds coming out of her mouth and wonder how babies managed to sound like seagulls.

  “You’re so good with her,” Dina commented, her voice soft.

  I shrugged. “Yeah, well she makes it easy.”

  I saw Dina shake her head out of the corner of my eye. “It’s more than that. It’s like you’re meant to be a mom.”

  I closed my eyes as her words sliced through my insides.

  I’d always believed I was meant to be a mom. When most little girls dreamed about being doctors, and lawyers, and teachers, I always dreamed of being a mom.

  But, these past couple of years had smashed that dream of mine into unrecognizable pieces. After three years, and numerous fertility treatments, I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I’d never carry my own child.

  Unexplained infertility.

  The two most frustrating words I’d ever heard strung together.

  That was the best the doctors had come up with after prescribing medication after medication and running test after test. The best they could come up with was “unexplained infertility”. Which pretty much meant “we have no friggen’ clue what’s going wrong”.

  That was the hardest pill to swallow. That they didn’t even know what was wrong. If they did, if there was an issue, it could be fixed. Like if I had a blocked tube, I could get it unblocked. If I had a hormone deficiency, they could prescribe me a medication to remedy it.

  Even if it wasn’t something that could be fixed, but something that just was. Like if I had endometriosis or polycystic ovarian syndrome, some medical condition that made it next to impossible to conceive and carry a child. At least then I would know what was wrong. Even if I couldn’t do anything about it, I felt like there might be some comfort in the knowledge at the very least.

  But, unexplained infertility is the only explanation that I got, and I hated those two words more than any other.

  “If I was meant to be a mom, I think I would have been by now,” I whispered, unable to speak any louder.

  Dina wrapped a thin arm around my shoulders and squeezed tight. “I can’t believe that someone who is as amazing with kids as you are, won’t ever be a mom. It’s just not possible.”

  It was the same thing I’d heard for so long.

  It will happen, Mackenzie, just have faith. Faith in what?

  Try not to stress, it will happen when it’s meant to. How do you stop stressing?

  It will happen as soon as you stop trying. Well, we hadn’t been trying for the past six months and I was no closer to being a mom than I was three years ago.

  I learned long ago that people who don’t struggle with infertility can’t possibly understand it. How could they understand that my body, the only one I had, was betraying me in the worst way?

  They couldn’t.

  So, I’d stopped trying to explain it a long time ago.

  “Maybe you’re right, D.” I gave her my fake smile and stood from the couch with Maddy still in my arms. “Think dinner is ready?” I asked as I made my way back into the kitchen without waiting for an answer. At this point, I’d rather have the scrutiny of my whole family than the sympathy of one person.

  It was about an hour later when Bryson finally showed up. He brought a cool breeze from outside with him that settled in the cracks between us. He greeted everyone at the table before placing a quick kiss at my temple and sitting beside me. My mom jumped up to make him a plate as the rest of the family continued the conversation they’d been ha
ving when he walked in.

  The rest of dinner passed without much further scrutiny and we said our goodbyes before heading off to Bryson’s family’s house. They lived about a half hour away from my parents and I found I didn’t mind driving separately from Bryson. It wasn’t like we’d have much to say if we were in the same car, anyway.

  When we arrived, we were greeted by his parents, grandparents, and sister who were all happy to see us. I guess we’d been a little neglectful of our families while we’d been slowly falling apart, and I vowed to fix that in the future.

  I was only a few bites into my homemade apple pie before the question came up. It always did, and I wondered why it still surprised me at this point.

  Maybe it was because I did my best to stuff these thoughts as far down as they’d go.

  “So, Mackenzie, Bryson, when can I expect my first grandbaby? I’m not getting any younger, you know.” His mother, Mary, meant well, but her question sent a sharp knife through my stomach like it always did.

  To my surprise, Bryson reached over and grasped the hand I had clenched in my lap. He slowly unfurled my fingers and entwined them with his. I looked up to see his facial expression hadn’t changed, despite the fact that he was offering me comfort for the first time in months.

  “You’ll be the first to know, Ma,” Bryson offered. His tone made it clear he didn’t have anything more to say on the subject and thankfully, it was dropped.

  I snuck another look at my husband, searching to see if any of the old Bryson was there. If perhaps he was just buried under the icy façade he wore daily.

  Maybe there was hope for us after all. Maybe our marriage wasn’t a lost cause. Maybe he’d come back to me.

  Chapter 6

  Past

  “Damn it, Bryson!

  I had the foldout map provided by the hotel held an inch away from my nose, inspecting the tiny winding streets and miniscule letters that were supposed to tell us where to go.

  Or where we were.

  Either would be great at this point.

  “Don’t take this shit out on me, Mack. I told you we were supposed to go right at the last palazzo, but you wouldn’t listen to me.”