Trying

by Heather MacKinnon

  When the timer went off five minutes later, my heart jumped into my throat as I cautiously approached the bathroom counter. I’d left the test face down, so I wouldn’t be tempted to peek at the display earlier than recommended.

  I took a deep breath, and with shaky hands, flipped the test over to find only one dark pink line. My entire body deflated at the sight, my arms falling to my sides with the test clutched in my hand.

  As foolish as it was, I’d been really hoping we’d be successful right away. After how easy it was last time, I’d expected the same when we were actually trying. That, however, was clearly not the case.

  I held up the test again and pulled it close to my face, twisting it this way and that, hoping a faint line would appear.

  “What are you doing?” Bryson asked from the doorway.

  I shook my head and let my shoulders drop again.

  “It’s negative.”

  Thankfully, that’s all I needed to say.

  Bryson pulled me into his sturdy embrace and I relaxed in his arms. There was no better place.

  “I know you’re disappointed, babe, but it’s still early, right? You can test again in a couple days.”

  I looked up at him smiling. “You’re right.” I shook my head. “I’m getting myself all worked up for no reason. I’ll test again in two days and we’ll go from there.”

  Two days later, I stood in the bathroom, first thing in the morning, with an identical pregnancy test in my hand.

  That single pink line was like a slash against my heart.

  I sighed deeply and stuffed the test into the trash alongside the last one. I let the sadness and self-pity wash over me for a few minutes before straightening my spine and moving on.

  If my period hasn’t show up yet that means I’m not out yet. I just need to keep doing what I’m doing and keep the stress at a minimum. I left the bathroom to go get dressed for work, vowing to do just that.

  It had been two weeks, and I was no closer to a positive pregnancy test, or, it seems, to a period.

  “I just don’t get it. Maybe I should call my doctor and have them run a blood test. I read that the urine tests can sometimes not pick up on faint traces of pregnancy hormones.”

  Bryson scratched the back of his head as I paced in front of him. “But would it be faint at this point? I mean, you’re two weeks late. Wouldn’t that make you like four weeks pregnant?”

  He was right.

  Damn it.

  I continued my frantic pacing. “Then what the hell is going on?” I yelled up at the ceiling.

  Bryson grabbed me around the waist and pulled me onto his lap. “Stop pacing, you’re making me dizzy.”

  I sighed and tried to relax in his grip, but my body wouldn’t obey my commands. My stupid body wasn’t working the way it’s supposed to all the way across the board.

  “Didn’t the doctor say your cycles might be irregular at first?”

  I sighed again. “Yes.”

  “You’ve only been off birth control for a month and a half. Maybe this is just an irregular cycle and your period is on the way.”

  I sighed. “I don’t want my period, though.”

  He kissed the top of my head. “Getting your period is better than being in this in-between gray space that’s driving you crazy. I’ve never seen you like this before, Mack. I don’t like it.”

  I jumped to my feet and spun around to face him. “You don’t like it? How do you think I feel? It’s not your body that’s fucking up here!” I stomped away to our bedroom, stripping off my clothes and yanking on my pajamas as soon as I got my hands on them.

  I was still huffing and puffing when I pulled back the sheets and plopped onto the bed. But, as I lay there, the ire wore off, leaving behind guilt and shame.

  What was wrong with me?

  I didn’t mean to snap at Bryson and the more time I had to cool down and really think the more I realized I owed him an apology. Nothing that he’d said was wrong or incorrect, it just wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

  The floorboards creaked, and I looked up to see Bryson standing in the doorway, eyes wary as he assessed me.

  “It’s safe to come in. I’m not going to bite your head off again,” I tell him.

  His lips quirked into a half-smile. “So, my wife’s back.”

  I sighed. “She is. I’m sorry, Brys. This is just a lot harder than I thought it would be.”

  He climbed into bed behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. “It’s okay, baby. I’m here.”

  I sniffed back the tears that threatened to fall and snuggled deeper into his arms. He pulled my hand into his much large one and squeezed three times, letting me know in his silent way that he loved me.

  He was here. And as long as I had him, I knew I could face whatever else was coming.

  Another morning, another negative pregnancy test.

  I sighed as I stood, pulled my pants up and turned to flush. A patch of bright red in the toilet caught my attention and my stomach dropped. I yanked my pants back down to my ankles and ripped some toilet paper from the roll before frantically wiping again.

  Red stained the pristine white tissue, and I felt my heart fall, meeting up with my stomach in the pit of my belly.

  It was over.

  I’d lost the first battle I’d fought with my body.

  With shaky hands, I took care of my hygienic needs before flushing the toilet again and moving to the sink to wash my hands.

  The woman I saw in the mirror looked defeated. Her shoulders were slumped, eyes sunken, and skin sallow. She looked like she had lost something important to her and as I watched, a single tear fell from the corner of her eye. Before long, another fell, and soon she was openly crying, wide-eyed in front of the mirror, her face reddening as her shirt grew damp with her sorrow.

  Bryson found me like that, just staring into the mirror while my tears fell unchecked. His hands instantly found my shoulders and spun me to face him. But I couldn’t look him in the eye, too ashamed of how my body had betrayed us.

  “Mack, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

  I shook my head and fell into his arms as the tears continued to flow freely down my face. His large hand ran down the back of my head soothingly as he waited for me to explain myself.

  “My period came,” I choked out.

  He sighed in relief. “Is that all?”

  I reared back. “Is that all? It’s everything, Bryson.”

  He leaned forward and kissed my head. “Babe, it’s only the first month. Give it some time. You’ll be pregnant before you know it.”

  I don’t know why, but in that exact moment, I knew his words were false. Felt deep inside me that this wasn’t a simple battle to be won, but a war that would be waged. I knew instinctively that nothing about this process would be easy.

  That was the first time I’d wondered if I was being punished. If this was my penance for wanting to abort the first pregnancy I’d been blessed with. Maybe I’d have to suffer before I could have what I want, or perhaps I’d never get it. Maybe that was our only chance, and it was lost to us forever now. Maybe I’d never be a mom.

  Chapter 9

  Present

  I reached awkwardly behind me to zip up the royal blue lace dress I’d just slipped on. It was strapless, with long, flowy sleeves that fell to my fingertips, and a fitted bodice and skirt that ended well above my knees. A long slit exposed a portion of thigh but didn’t cheapen the look. It was one of the most beautiful dresses I’d ever worn.

  My wedding dress topped that list, of course.

  I sighed and pushed those thoughts aside. I didn’t want to think about my wedding dress or subsequent marriage to a man I’d barely spoken to in months. Instead, I finished curling my long brown hair and pinned one side behind my ear. I slid long shiny earrings into my ears and painted on a bright red matte lipstick.

  I stood back and admired my reflection for a moment before returning to the bedroom. Bryson wasn’t in there getting ready like h
e should have been, so I set off to find him.

  Unsurprisingly, he was in his office, hunched over the computer. His brow was furrowed as his eyes quickly scanned the bright screen in front of him. I cleared my throat from my spot in the doorway, but it didn’t penetrate the fog he was in.

  I sighed. “Bryson.”

  His head jerked up, and he blinked in surprise. “Huh?”

  “You need to get changed. We’re leaving in fifteen minutes.”

  “Leaving?”

  I sighed again, losing patience with him. “My office’s holiday party. I reminded you about this yesterday. It’s formal attire and you need to go get changed.”

  He shook his head and returned his eyes to the computer. “I’m in the middle of something. You go on and I’ll meet you there later.”

  My body inflated with rage and I saw red as I stomped over to his desk in my black pumps. “The hell you will.”

  He blinked up at me. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me. It was bad enough that you made me go to Thanksgiving dinner at my parents’ house alone, but I am not walking into this party without you tonight. I’m not going to let you make me look like a fool again. So, whatever the fuck you’re doing? It can wait. Get your ass up and go get changed because we’re leaving in fifteen minutes.”

  With that, I spun around and stomped into the kitchen.

  I needed a drink.

  Two glasses of wine later, Bryson stepped into the kitchen looking so handsome my heart clenched at the sight.

  He was wearing a dark gray suit, with a white button-down shirt and a blue tie. His dark blond hair was slicked back, and his handsome face was clean shaven. He reached up to adjust the knot at his neck as I finished my glass of wine.

  “Ready to go?” he asked.

  I stood there a moment without answering him, hoping he’d have something else to say. That maybe some part of him would recognize I’d taken extra effort to dress up. That maybe he’d tell me I was beautiful for the first time in months.

  Things used to be so different between us. In the past, he would have stalked into the kitchen and pressed me against the counter, smearing my lipstick as he ravaged my mouth. He would have slid his big hands along my exposed shoulders and pressed a knee between my legs until there was so much of him that I wouldn’t be able to identify me.

  But, he did none of those things.

  I placed the wineglass in the sink with lightly shaking hands and turned back with a forced smile stretching my face. “Yup. Let me just grab my coat.”

  I walked past him, close enough to feel his body heat, but far enough away to feel the distance between us. It was like our relationship. We spent every night just inches apart, but that divide felt larger and more insurmountable by the day.

  We drove silently to the venue while I tried to let my temper cool. I was just so sick of his ambivalence. His detachment from our lives. From me.

  We pulled into the parking lot of where the party was being held and Bryson turned the car off with a sigh. He turned in his seat and I reluctantly met his eyes.

  “I didn’t know you were upset about going to Thanksgiving dinner without me.”

  I rolled my eyes, the irritation still simmering in my blood. “Why would I want to show up to a family party without my husband, Bryson? Everyone had questions and made assumptions about why you weren’t there, and I was the one who had to explain that my husband couldn’t pull himself away from work, even on a holiday.”

  He shook his head, the mounting frustration clear on his face. “It was an important business call. I told you that.”

  “I used to be important.”

  He rolled his eyes and threw his hands in the air. “That had nothing to do with you or how important you are to me. I had to meet with a client. There was no other option.”

  I laughed humorlessly. “Even if I did believe that you couldn’t have gotten out of it–which I don’t–what’s your excuse for today? For forgetting about this party and trying to send me off without you again? Another top-notch client in Germany need your off-hours help? Or is it even a client that’s getting all your attention?”

  The words fell from my mouth before I even had time to examine them scattering like ashes around us. They felt loud in the quiet of the car and we sat there silently, letting them reverberate and take on a life of their own.

  Did I think Bryson was cheating on me?

  I found I didn’t really have the answer to that question.

  It would be the perfect excuse as to why he worked such late hours and had little to no interest in me. It would explain his detachment, and all the extra meetings he had to attend when he’s supposed to be off the clock.

  The more I thought about it, the more worked up I was getting, and I could see Bryson getting just as upset.

  “You think I’m having an affair?” His voice was low and deadly, with the most inflection I’d heard from him in months. A flicker of something came to life behind his hazel eyes and I’m almost glad I’m making him mad. At least he’s feeling something.

  “I don’t know what you’re doing, Bryson. All I know is you aren’t doing it with me.”

  He sat there staring at me for a long, uncomfortable minute before he ripped the keys from the ignition and wrenched his door open. He fled the interior of the car, letting the cool night air seep inside. It wrapped around me, like an icy prison as I sat there stunned.

  I climbed out of the car on shaky feet to find Bryson standing a few feet away, his back to me. It looked like he was trying to compose himself, so I stayed quiet as I walked up next to him. When he saw me approach, he nodded toward the building without looking at me.

  “Let’s get inside. We’ll talk about this later.”

  His dismissal stoked the flames of my anger again.

  “What’s there to talk about, Bryson? You’re either cheating on me or you aren’t.”

  He shook his head. “You’re being ridiculous, Mackenzie. And I’m not doing this here.” With that, he made his way toward the front door of the venue, long legs eating up the distance faster than I could keep up, which was obviously his intent.

  I stepped through the front door into a wall of warmth that did little to chase away the cold that had settled deep inside me. Bryson was nowhere to be seen, so I took my time admiring the space before me.

  It was one large room that had clearly been a warehouse of some sort in the past. The walls were exposed brick, and the windows were tall, letting the full moon reflect off the shiny hardwood floors. There were dozens of tables set up around the room, a bar along one wall, and a DJ tucked into a corner.

  I shrugged off my coat and handed it to the attendant up front. My eyes scanned the dozens of people, searching for Bryson or Josie, or anyone else I knew, but came up empty. Giving up, I headed for the bar knowing I needed more alcohol to keep those two glasses of wine company.

  I found Bryson leaning up against the bar top, eyes on the man fixing him a drink. The bartender must have said something funny because Bryson’s head tipped back with a loud laugh. My stomach clenched deep in the pit of my belly. Even with a laugh I’d recognize anywhere, the man before me was a stranger.

  I slid up next to him and ordered a vodka martini, keeping my eyes on the bartender and not letting them drift to the man beside me. With my credit card on file, I took my martini and spun around to scan the room for an escape. The last place I wanted to be was next to my husband.

  A bright red shock of hair caught my attention, and I made a beeline for Josie over by the buffet tables. She was laughing with some of our other coworkers, but the smile slid from her face when she caught sight of me. I pasted on a fake grin and greeted the men Josie had been speaking to, seamlessly joining their conversation.

  After a few minutes, they both went to find a table which left me and Josie alone finally.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked without preamble.

  I sighed and drained the rest of my martini. “Bryson and
I were fighting on our way over here.”

  She raised both brows. “About?”

  “He forgot about the party. Wanted me to come alone, and he’d ‘meet up’ with me later.” I scoffed angrily and looked forlornly at my empty glass.

  Josie, spotting my distress, pulled me over to a semi-empty table and sat me down with the plate of food she’d compiled. “Vodka martini?” she asked, and I could have kissed her.

  “Make it extra dirty.”

  She nodded and left to get me another drink while I picked at the food on her plate. A few minutes later, she returned with drinks for the both of us and a look that meant business.

  “All right, spill. Because this isn’t just about Bryson getting lost in his work. He’s been that way for a while.”

  I took a quick sip of my martini as I nodded. “That’s just it. I’m sick of work coming before everything else. He did this same thing on Thanksgiving. Said he had an important video meeting he couldn’t miss and made me show up at my parents’ house alone.”

  Her eyes widened. “You never told me that.”

  I shrugged and took another sip. “It’s embarrassing, Jos.” She nodded but stayed quiet. It was something I loved about her. She didn’t fill silences with mindless talk. She let me think and feel and knew I’d express myself when I was ready. “I accused him of cheating,” I finally admitted.

  Her eyes widened again. “Is that what you think those late meetings are about? He’s having an affair?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I hadn’t thought of it until tonight. If you’d asked me a year ago if Bryson would ever cheat on me, I’d have told you never in a million years. But, things have changed between us. So much, that I don’t know that I know who he really is anymore. Maybe he’s the kind of person who could cheat on his wife now. I just don’t know.”

  She nodded and reached out a hand to rub my arm soothingly.

  “What are you gonna’ do?” she asked after a while.

  I shrugged, tipping my glass back until I’d drained the contents. “I have no idea. I just know things can’t keep going the way they are. I can’t keep living like this.”