Trying

by Heather MacKinnon

  Now that she mentioned it, I just barely remembered one of the nurses checking my underpants while I fought the grogginess of sleep.

  “I’ll let the doctor know and he should be in soon.”

  “Thank you.”

  She left, and Bryson stormed back in, his jaw tight and lips thinned. “What bleeding?” he repeated as if he’d never left.

  I sighed. “There was some bleeding after the accident. Apparently, it’s slowed down now though.”

  He nodded. “Josie told me about that. Something about a hemorrhage?”

  “That’s what they tell me.”

  He swallowed roughly. “What about the baby?”

  “Didn’t Josie tell you that, too?”

  He nodded once. “She did, but I’d like to hear it from you.”

  I eyed him suspiciously for a minute before answering. “They said it looks like everything’s fine, but they couldn’t tell for sure because there’s no heartbeat.”

  He took a shaky step closer. “Shouldn’t there be a heartbeat?” he asked quietly.

  I shook my head, still watching him. Why was he reacting like this? Was he concerned? He hadn’t seemed too worried about the baby the last time we spoke about it. In fact, he hadn’t even been convinced it was his. My fists clenched at the reminder.

  “Not this early in the pregnancy.”

  “When will we know?”

  I didn’t miss the we he threw in there, but I decided not to comment on it. “The doctor last night said they might be able to pick one up at my next appointment.”

  “When is that?” he asked abruptly.

  I frowned. “This Wednesday.”

  Bryson looked away, his eyes on the wall above my head. They darted side to side as if he was completing some kind of complex math problem. Finally, he nodded. “Okay, that works.”

  “What works?”

  He was interrupted by a knock on the door and the entrance of an older-looking doctor in a white lab coat. His pale skin looked like it hadn’t seen the sun in years, but his smile was warm, and I immediately liked him.

  “Ms. Thompson?” I nodded, and he smiled. “I’m Dr. Goldman. I’ve had a look at your tests, and everything looks good. How are you feeling?”

  I shrugged. “My head still hurts a little, but it’s a lot better than it was yesterday.”

  He nodded and clasped his hands together in front of him. “And your vision? Any better than yesterday?”

  I hadn’t even noticed. “Much,” I admitted.

  He nodded again. “It seems as though the hemorrhaging has subsided and should be resolved in another couple of days. And I’m happy to inform you, the blood we drew earlier shows your hCG levels have increased since yesterday.”

  My breath caught in my throat. I know hCG had something to do with the baby, but I didn’t know exactly what he meant, and I was too scared to hope it was good news.

  “What does that mean?” I whispered.

  The doctor smiled congenially. “As far as we can tell, you are still very much pregnant.”

  I released a large sigh of relief.

  “Of course, you should still follow up with your physician and they’ll be able to tell you more.”

  “I have an appointment this week,” I told him softly, my mind still reeling.

  I was still pregnant.

  My baby was okay.

  “Yes, that’s what I saw. Your physician should be able to hear a heartbeat by then or shortly after.”

  A heartbeat.

  I’d be able to hear my baby’s heartbeat.

  “I’m going to get your discharge papers started.” He looked at Bryson for the first time since he’d walked in the room. “She still shouldn’t sleep for more than a couple hours at a time until tonight at the earliest. I don’t anticipate any problems, but will you be home with her the rest of the day?”

  “Absolutely,” Bryson answered without hesitation.

  “Actually,” I interjected. “I’m staying with a friend. But I can pass all this information along to her.”

  The doctor’s eyes alternated between the two of us before Bryson took a step toward the doctor and held out a hand. “I’ll make sure she’s taken care of,” Bryson promised.

  The doctor shook his hand and shot me another look. “Ms. Thompson, do you have any questions for me?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t think so.”

  “Good, good. The nurse will go over after-care and any warning signs to look out for, but I believe you’re through the worst of it already. I still want you to take it easy for a few days until your doctor’s appointment at the very least. They’ll be able to tell you if you need to stay on bed rest any longer than that.”

  I frowned. I did not want to be on bed rest until my appointment. What was I supposed to do with myself while Josie was at work all day?

  The doctor walked over and shook my hand. “You’ll be just fine,” he assured me before gifting me with another warm smile and leaving the room.

  I looked around me before begrudgingly asking Bryson, “Do you know if my purse is in here somewhere? I need my phone.”

  He opened the wardrobe next to the bathroom and pulled out my black purse. “Josie told me they brought it in while you were asleep yesterday.”

  I reached out to grab my bag and gave him a grateful smile. The first one that has felt genuine in a while.

  I pulled my phone out and found the battery had died sometime in the night. With a sigh, I asked Bryson something else. “Could I use your phone? I need to call Josie.”

  He pulled his cell out of his pocket and handed it to me. “For what?”

  I found her number in his contacts. “I need to let her know I’m being discharged soon, so she’s back in time to pick me up.”

  He cleared his throat nervously and my eyes darted to him. I knew that sound. “What is it?”

  His eyes darted around the room before tentatively settling on me. “Josie’s not picking you up.”

  I frowned. “Why not?”

  He cleared his throat again, and I knew it was bad. “You’re not going to Josie’s.”

  I gasped. “She doesn’t want me there anymore?”

  What was I going to do? I suppose I could call my parents and stay with them for a few days. That is, if I wanted to deal with their endless questions and nosiness.

  “That’s not it. You’re not going there, because you’re coming home with me.”

  I just stared at him, sure I’d misheard. “Excuse me.”

  He cleared his throat again, and I knew he was nervous. “It’s time you came home.”

  “But, I don’t want to. Don’t I get a say in this?”

  He sighed heavily and took the seat next to my bed. “Why don’t you want to come home?”

  Anger flared in my chest. “Because it hasn’t felt like home in forever. Because there’s nothing there for me. Because you told me not to come back.” My voice cracked on that last word and I willed the tears I could feel forming away.

  Bryson sighed again and reached out to take my hand. I yanked it away before he could touch me and instead, he placed his hand on my blanketed knee. “I’m sorry, Mackenzie. I was being an idiot and an asshole and unfair to you.”

  “You forgot pigheaded, paranoid, and douchey,” I added.

  A flicker of a smile twitched at his lips. “I’m sure we could sit here and list all the terrible things I’ve been, but I want to show you I can do better. That I will do better. Just give me a chance.”

  Thoughts spun around my head at his words. He was admitting he was wrong, but wasn’t it too late? Hadn’t I already given up on him and us? There were some actions that were too wrong to take back some words that were too terrible to unhear. I’d given up on us the moment I walked out of what was once our home.

  “It’s too late, Bryson,” I whispered. If I spoke any louder, I was afraid I’d shatter.

  He squeezed my knee, his hazel eyes so green with only the slightest bit of brown along the ed
ges. “It’s not too late. Not if you give me another chance. Let me prove to you that I get it. I know I was wrong. I know that I fucked up. I want to make it better. Please, let me show you.”

  My body began to tremble as I fought with what I thought I knew and what I felt. Worst of all, he looked like my Bryson. The man that made love to me every chance he got, the man who would call out of work randomly to take me to the beach, the man who I’d promised to love forever.

  When I looked deep in this Bryson’s eyes, I couldn’t find any traces of the Bryson I’d had to live with for the past six months. The one who ignored me and put work above everything else. The one who let me go to bed alone, eat dinners by myself, and spend every weekend trying to fill the void my husband had left behind.

  “Please,” he repeated, and I felt my resolve crumbling.

  “Why?” My voice came out weak and fragile, exactly how I felt.

  He sighed and placed his other hand on my leg, squeezing them both simultaneously. “When I got that call from Josie yesterday, it made me realize what I could lose.” He stopped for a moment and looked down before his glassy eyes met mine. “I almost lost you, Mack.”

  His use of my nickname crumbled another wall inside me. It had been so long since I’d heard him call me anything but Mackenzie.

  “All because of a stupid fight. Because I wouldn’t believe you. Because I was too blinded by my anger to trust my wife. And I almost lost you,” he repeated. “I almost lost my baby,” he whispered, and I swear, I heard a piece of my heart break. “I’m never gonna’ let that happen again. I’m not giving you up and I’m not letting you give up either. Please, Mack, give me one more chance. I just need some time to show you I can be the man you married again. That we can get back to that place where you and I make perfect sense.”

  Oh, how I wanted to believe him. Wanted to fall in his arms and lay all my insecurities at his feet. But, I was so scared. Scared to leave my heart unguarded. Scared to hope. Scared to try and fail at this marriage again. I was terrified.

  I opened my mouth to say something, I’m not even sure what, when Josie popped her head around the door, her eyes surveying the scene before her.

  “Am I interrupting?” she asked.

  Bryson sighed, and I shook my head. “Can I talk to you?” I asked her. “Privately,” I added, looking in Bryson’s direction.

  He sighed again and got to his feet. Josie watched warily as he slowly walked from the room and shut the door behind me.

  “What the fuck, Josie?”

  She didn’t deserve my anger. I don’t even really know why I was angry. All I knew was there was a raging storm of emotion inside me and I needed it out. I needed to clear away the noise, so I could think.

  She sighed and slunk over to the chair Bryson vacated. “I knew you were gonna’ be mad,” she admitted.

  I folded my arms across my chest. “Having choices ripped away from you does that to a person.”

  “Your choices haven’t been ripped away from you, Mack, don’t be dramatic.” I huffed, but she ignored me. “You can still come back to my place if you want.”

  I heard the but even if she wouldn’t say it. “But?” I finally asked.

  She sighed again. “But, I think we both know you need to go home.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Yes, you do.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Mackenzie.”

  “Josephine.”

  She growled at me. Growled. Like a tiny angry bunny if bunnies could make a noise like that. “You’re just scared. I get it, believe me. But you need to go home and give this thing one last shot. You’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t exhaust all your options. If you give up now, you’ll always wonder if you could have done more. If things were really over, or if you threw the towel in too soon.”

  Damn her.

  She was right. It was so frustrating that she could do that. Look inside me and pull the truth out, despite how hard I tried to bury it.

  I would regret not trying. But, what if I regret giving it one more shot? What if I try and he gives up again? Can my heart take that kind of rejection?

  “I know you’re scared.”

  “Shut up,” I told her. Sick of her insightful bullshit.

  She chuckled. “I also know you hate when I’m right.”

  “Well, you’re so smug about it.”

  She laughed again, harder this time. When she was done, she shot me a sober look. “This is your chance, Mack. I know how happy you guys used to be. I know how much you still love him. Give him this one last chance and then you can say you tried everything. Then you can say you gave it your all, and it just wasn’t meant to be. Don’t you want to be able to look your kid in the face one day and tell them you tried to make it work with their father?”

  Double damn her.

  Using my kid against me and they weren’t even born yet. She was playing dirty, but she was right. And she was about to get what she wanted.

  I sighed heavily, my shoulders falling low with the motion. “You’re right. I’ll give him another chance.”

  Chapter 28

  A few hours later, and I was back at the house. I refused to call it my house or even worse, home, because it still didn’t feel that way. I felt uncomfortable and out of my element as I walked through the front door, willing myself to forget what had taken place the last time I was here.

  “I was thinking we could get you set up in the living room, that way you can watch tv or read or whatever else you want to do,” Bryson said from behind me.

  He’d been hovering. I hadn’t been able to so much as sigh without him jumping to ask me if I was all right. I knew he meant well, but it was starting to get on my nerves. I wasn’t used to him taking this much notice of me and it was making my eye twitch.

  “That sounds good,” I told him halfheartedly as I made my way to the living room and sunk into the corner of our overstuffed couch.

  Bryson stepped into the room a minute later, eyes darting around the room while his hands clenched and unclenched, like he wanted to fill them with something, but he didn’t know what.

  “Are you comfortable?” he finally asked.

  I just barely held back an eye roll as I grabbed the remote and flipped on the television. “Yep.”

  “Do you need anything?” he asked next.

  “Nope.”

  “Are you hungry?”

  This time, I couldn’t stop the aggravated noise that came from my throat. “I’m fine and if I need something to eat, I know where the kitchen is.”

  He nodded absentmindedly while his eyes continued to dart around the room. “I wanted to run to the grocery store for some food for you, but I don’t want to leave you alone.”

  “I’ll be fine, Bryson, just go.”

  “Are you feeling tired?”

  “No. I’m rested, I’m sated, I’m comfortable, and I have no intentions of leaving this couch for the next couple of hours unless I need to pee in which case, I won’t need your help. If you want to go to the grocery story, go. I promise not to croak while you’re gone.”

  His eyes pinned me with a stern look. “That’s not funny, Mackenzie.”

  I rolled my eyes and turned back to the television. “Whatever. I’m fine.”

  He sighed, and I saw him rub his hands together out of the corner of my eye. “Okay then, I’ll be quick. Is there anything you need?”

  I shrugged a single shoulder. “Not that I can think of.”

  “Okay. I’ll go now then.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay.”

  I turned to look at him. Who was this insecure and awkward man in front of me? This wasn’t who I married or the man I’d lived with the past few months. This guy was twitchy and seemed to be uncomfortable in his own skin. I didn’t know what to do with him.

  “Bryson. Just go.”

  He nodded once. “Okay, I’m going.”

  And finally, finally, he turned on his heel and left t
he room. I let out a deep breath when I heard the front door close and relaxed for the first time in a long time. Being back here was weird. Being near Bryson and actually talking to him was weird. It was like I was living in a parallel universe where black was white, and my distant husband was all of a sudden doting on me.

  I didn’t know how to act, but I knew I needed to curb my attitude. It was just so hard. I was still angry. So angry. He’d spent months ignoring and neglecting me, and now that he’s spent twelve hours being attentive, I was just supposed to forgive him?

  And what about all the accusations he’d slung at me? He’d apologized, but that didn’t erase those words from my head. It didn’t negate the fact that even after I told him repeatedly that I hadn’t had an affair, he still wouldn’t believe me.

  But, I guess I could say the same about myself. I’d accused him more than once and failed to believe him when he’d told me he wasn’t cheating. Was I any better than him? In that moment, I knew I wasn’t.

  It was time we both sat down and talked. No fighting, no raised voices, no subterfuge or aversions. Just the two of us, laying out our truths once and for all.

  A wave of nausea hit me, and I was suddenly reminded of why I was here, why I was giving this one more shot. I cupped my still-flat tummy with my free hand and closed my eyes. A single tear worked its way between my lashes and slid down my face.

  This baby was my reason for everything now. The least I could do is try to make things work with their father. There’s nothing I’d love more than for my child to grow up in a happy household with both their mom and dad, just like I did.

  Soon, my introspection was cut short as that nausea returned with a vengeance. Thankfully, I made it to the downstairs bathroom with enough time to tuck my hair in the neck of my shirt before I got sick.

  The sound of the front door closing and Bryson’s voice calling out reached me in the bathroom, but I was too busy dry heaving to answer him. It wasn’t long before he found me and knelt next to my bent form.

  “It’s okay,” I panted in between heaves. “Just go.”

  He scooted in closer and began to rub my back. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  I groaned loudly into the porcelain. Where had this need to be near me come from? Since when was he so glued to my side that I couldn’t even be sick in solitude. I knew I was being bitchy again, so I kept the thoughts to myself and fought to control the nausea still clenching at my stomach.