Trying

by Heather MacKinnon

I took the few steps separating us and when I was close enough, he grasped me around my waist and pulled me into his chest. He brushed some hair off my forehead before placing his lips there. We stayed like that for a long silent moment.

  He finally pulled away and asked, “What happened after you sent me away?” There was an edge to his voice, and I knew I was going to have to answer for that, but it seemed like now wasn’t the time.

  I explained to him what happened and by the end of it, his breathing wasn’t any harsher, so I took that as a good sign.

  “Is that everything?”

  I nodded, and he breathed a long sigh of what seemed like relief.

  “I don’t want you to see him again.”

  “I know.”

  “I can’t tell you not to talk to him, but I really don’t want you seeing him outside of work.”

  “I understand. I think it’s best if I cut all ties with him. I know from your point of view, your only focus is keeping your wife away from what you perceive as a threat, but he’s my friend, and he’s hurting. He thinks he’s in love with me and even though I know he isn’t, he doesn’t know that. I think the best thing for him to move on is if we don’t talk or see each other at all.”

  Bryson sighed again. “Why are you so worried about him?”

  I looked up at him. “He was my friend, Brys. He was there for me when I needed it. On some of the darkest days, he was the only bright light. He made me laugh when I felt like crying and took care of me when I needed it most. I can’t just forget all that because he made a mistake.”

  He shook his head and leaned forward to kiss my cheek. “Such a big heart.”

  I shrugged. I didn’t feel comfortable hearing praise like that.

  None of this would have happened if I’d kept the line between Mason and myself clear. If I hadn’t let him blur the place between friendship and more maybe he never would have thought he was in love with me. Maybe I never would have had to break his heart. Maybe I never would have had to hurt Bryson the way I did.

  Both men had been hurt today, and I was the common denominator. It all fell on my shoulders and they creaked under the strain of that much responsibility. I knew there was nothing more I could do for Mason, but I had the rest of my life to make this up to my husband.

  I cupped his face between my hands. “I’m so sorry. I led Mason to believe there could be more between us. I was weak, and I hurt him, but I also hurt you. I can’t image what it was like to walk in and see that.”

  “It was hell,” he admitted through gritted teeth.

  “And I can’t imagine the strength it took to hold back and let me handle it.” He just nodded once, his jaw still tense. “I promise, you’ll never have to see anything like that again. I’m yours and only yours.”

  Bryson’s hands tightened around my waist. “That’s the only thing keeping me from going and finding him.”

  My stomach flipped deep in my belly at his threatening words. That wouldn’t end well for either man. Mason would get hurt and if Bryson didn’t, he’d wind up in a lot of trouble. Knowing this, I forgave myself a little for sending Bryson away. It seems like it was the safest decision for everyone involved.

  Just then, a smoky smell wafted into the room and I jerked out of Bryson’s arms. “Holy shit, the soup!”

  I ran to the kitchen and pulled the burnt and congealed substance off the stove before opening a window. It smelled horrible and my stomach roiled with nausea.

  Bryson entered the kitchen with a frown. “What happened?”

  I smiled sheepishly. “Mason had started cooking soup for me.”

  Bryson’s jaw clenched again, and he nodded once before turning around and walking away. A moment later, he returned to the kitchen with a plastic shopping bag which he placed on the kitchen counter and began to empty. My favorite soup was in there and I smiled, knowing he’d gone to Josie too.

  “I never asked, what are you doing home, anyway?”

  Bryson turned to me with a small smile. “I wanted to come home and make my wife lunch.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You know I’m off bed rest. I can make my own lunch. You didn’t have to come home for that.”

  He shrugged. “Yeah, but I’ve gotten in the habit of making you food. Didn’t want to stop that just because I had to go back to work.”

  I raised a brow. “Does that mean you’re cooking dinner too?”

  He lifted a single shoulder. “I can do that.”

  “You better be careful,” I shook my head, “a girl could get used to that.”

  He spun around and pulled me into his arms. My heart sped at the proximity and I licked my lips as I stared up into his greenish brown eyes.

  “Good,” he said. “Get used to being taken care of because I’m going to be doing it for the rest of my life.”

  He sealed his promise with a scorching kiss. His lips melded to mine in a way that proved I belonged to him and him to me. For a second, my mind flashed to Mason and the way it had felt so wrong being in his arms.

  It only solidified for me that I’d made the right decision. I was meant to be Bryson Thompson’s wife, and he was made to be my husband. And I knew, after everything we’d been though, that we’d never again let anything tear us apart.

  Epilogue

  Seven months later…

  “Last push, Mackenzie, you’re doing so good!”

  I was panting and sweating and tired and sore and so ready to meet our baby.

  “Mack,” Bryson dipped into my line of sight and brushed some hair off my sticky forehead. “We’re almost there. I’m so proud of you. You just need to push once more, and our baby will be here.”

  I nodded, but I didn’t think I could do it. Fifteen hours of labor later and I was exhausted. I knew I couldn’t give up now, but I didn’t know how to go on.

  “Mack.” Bryson’s voice was stern now, and I turned to look at him again. “This is it. This is what you’ve worked so hard for. The sickness, the swollen ankles, the restless nights, the backaches, this is for all of that. In another minute, you’ll be holding our child. I just need you to be strong for that one minute and then you can fall apart. I’ll pick up the slack after that.”

  I nodded, a few tears escaping my eyes and distorting the image of my husband in front of me.

  With the last dregs of strength I had in me, I pushed as hard as I could and suddenly felt a release from the relenting pressure on my lower half. A baby’s wail rang through the room and I knew it was over.

  I collapsed back on the hospital bed and struggled to catch my breath as the droves of medical professionals buzzed around me. Bryson’s hand was still in mine and he squeezed it three times before releasing it to meet our baby and cut the umbilical cord.

  “She’s got ten fingers and ten toes, Mackenzie. And she’s beautiful,” the doctor called out.

  A sigh of relief gusted out of me. I tried to get a look at my baby, but there were too many people in the way.

  “Bryson?”

  “I’m here, babe.”

  “I wanna’ see her.”

  A few moments later, I was presented with a splotchy, crying, wrinkled little thing and my heart swelled with love. Bryson placed her on my bare chest and I cupped her bottom, the tears running unchecked down my face.

  “You did it,” Bryson whispered, his eyes glassy with unshed tears.

  I nodded weakly. “I did.”

  The next couple of hours were a blur as the doctors made sure both me and my baby were healthy. Thankfully, everything was fine and despite the issues we’d had early on in the pregnancy, our daughter was safe and healthy and breastfeeding like a champ.

  Although both of our families had been by already, it was Bryson’s mom, Mary, who stayed the longest.

  “I knew your babies would be beautiful,” she whispered as she stroked our daughter’s soft cheek. “Just look at her.”

  And I did.

  Every chance I got.

  If I wasn’t looking at my daughter,
I was looking at my husband. And almost every time I looked at him, I caught him looking at me. His eyes would brighten as a smile grew across his face. I’d feel my own lips curve to match his and knew we were thinking the same thing.

  We’re in tune again, back in sync with one another and I can feel the connection from across the room.

  His eyes tell me he loves me while his smile says how happy he is. And lastly, the way his hands shake every time he looks at our daughter lets me know he’s itching to touch her and hold her and make sure she’s really here as badly as I am.

  Our families had been gone for about an hour when there was a soft knock on my hospital room door and my redheaded best friend walked in. I’d taken this last month off from work, so I hadn’t seen as much of her as I was used to.

  “How are you feeling?” she whispered when she reached my bedside.

  My smile stretched across my face and a few tears leaked out of my eyes. It seemed they were never ending today.

  “I’m great.”

  She shot a look toward the corner of the room where Bryson was snoring softly. With a good-natured roll of her eyes, she asked, “And the big guy? How’d he do?”

  I chuckled. “He made it.”

  She smiled and tiptoed over to the hospital bassinet that had been rolled over to one side of my bed.

  “You can pick her up if you want, she’ll need to eat soon, anyway.”

  Josie’s smile grew as she reached in and picked up my tiny baby swathed in hospital blankets. She tucked her into the crook of her elbow and traced her finger along the sleeping baby’s plump cheek.

  “Did you guys pick a name yet?”

  I nodded and smiled again. It seemed all I could do was smile and cry today. “Riley Rose.”

  Josie gasped quietly. “It’s perfect.”

  It was perfect. It had taken Bryson and I almost nine months, three baby name books, and countless Google searches before we’d settled on her name. And now, looking at her, I knew we’d chosen well. Riley fit her perfectly.

  I looked over at my sleeping husband and felt my heart swell within my chest. Things had been so rocky between us at the beginning of this pregnancy, but as Riley grew inside me, our love grew between us. It mended the broken pieces of our hearts and pulled us closer than we’d ever been before.

  And we had Riley to thank for all that.

  “How long are you guys gonna’ be here?”

  “The doctors think I can go home tomorrow.”

  “What about work? Think you’ll come back?”

  That had been a point of contention in our house. Bryson wanted me to stay home with our daughter and I was on the fence. On the one hand, I’d love to watch my baby grow and be with her every day, but I also valued my career and couldn’t image leaving it.

  Or leaving Josie.

  This month had been difficult without her. Between her potty mouth and her words of wisdom, she was a juxtaposition I couldn’t live without.

  I shrugged. “I’m not sure yet.”

  Josie nodded, her eyes still on Riley. “Well, if you’re worried about you-know-who, that isn’t an issue anymore.”

  My stomach dropped because I knew she was talking about Mason.

  Things had been strained since I’d come back to work after my accident. Mason kept his distance for the most part, but the tension was there, and it made for a difficult work environment.

  “What do you mean?”

  Josie glanced up at me, and knowing her, it was to gauge my reaction. “He quit.”

  Her words were simple, but they made an impact.

  “What do you mean? When?”

  Josie shrugged. “I think he put in his notice shortly after you left. He’s been gone for a few days now. I heard he got an offer to partner somewhere in Charlotte.”

  He’d quit and moved.

  I guess a part of me had held out hope that he’d come around. That one day he’d stop looking at me with that sad longing in his eyes and we’d be able to be friends again. The real kind of friends where there were no secret text messages or hidden feelings. But, I guess I’d been foolish to hope for that.

  I sighed and leaned back on the bed. “I guess it’s for the best.”

  Josie nodded. “It is.” Her words were sharp and final.

  I knew where she stood on the whole Mason subject and she’d never wavered. She’d seen through our charade for what it really was. I only wished I’d listened to her sooner. But she was right, this was for the best.

  Riley stirred in Josie’s arms and then let out a little wail.

  Josie froze in place before her wide eyes met mine. “Oh, my god. What did I do?”

  I laughed and held out my arms. “She’s probably hungry.”

  She walked closer to my hospital bed her dainty nose stuck in the air. “Judging by the smell, I’m going to assume it’s something more than hunger.”

  “I’ll get her,” Bryson called from across the room. His voice was heavy with sleep but within moments he was across the room and sliding Riley out of Josie’s arms.

  My friend’s eyes darted around the room before they finally came to rest on me. “I think I’m gonna’ get going.”

  I wanted to argue, but it had been a long day and I was exhausted. I held out my arms, and she wove her hands through the wires and cords hanging off me to wrap her arms around my shoulders. “I’m so happy for you, Mack.”

  Tears stung my eyes, but I blinked them away. “Thanks, Jos.”

  She pulled back and sniffed. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  When she was gone, I was left with just my little family.

  I watched Bryson wrangle Riley’s little legs back into her pajamas and tears swam to my eyes again.

  “You’re getting pretty good at this diaper stuff, huh?” I called.

  Bryson shot a grin in my direction. “Well, I haven’t had many to practice on yet, but I think I’m getting the hang of it. I’ll be an expert in no time.”

  And I knew he would.

  He’d taken his role as a dad very seriously since the beginning. Before our second doctor’s appointment, he’d purchased his first parenting book, and he’d read a dozen since.

  He finally got Riley swaddled before bringing her over to me to feed. As I was getting adjusted, Bryson pulled the nearest chair right up to the edge of the bed. When I was settled, he reached for my free hand and ran his thumb against my knuckles.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked quietly.

  I swallowed as I felt the tears rising to the surface again. “It doesn’t feel real,” I whispered.

  Bryson sighed and flipped my palm over, so he could trace the lines there. “It is real. You’re a mom. I’m a dad. Riley is beautiful and healthy. It’s everything we’ve ever wanted.”

  There’s no stopping the tears now as they fall onto my borrowed hospital gown. “I just hope nothing changes.”

  Bryson squeezed my hand. “What do you mean? Everything’s going to change.”

  I shook my head and struggled to swallow the tears. “I mean between me and you. I wish we’d had more time to work on us before she got here.”

  Bryson reached out to grasp my chin and tilt my face toward him. “Baby, we are good. Solid. I think we’re stronger than we ever were before.”

  I sniffed. “You think so?”

  He nodded once, his hazel eyes so serious, I couldn’t help but believe him. “We’re great. And I’m never gonna’ let us be anything less ever again. I don’t think we’ll never have problems again because that would be unrealistic. But I can promise you I’m never going to let us get that bad again. I’m never gonna’ not be there for you when you need me. You’ll never go to bed alone again. I’m here. One hundred percent. Forever. I promise.”

  He punctuated his words with kisses on the palm of my hand. When it seemed he was done speaking, his greenish brown eyes met mine, and I smiled through my tears. “Okay, Bryson. I trust you.”

  I knew we were stronger than we’d
ever been before. These last few months had solidified my devotion to my husband, and his to me. We were stronger than ever, a team that couldn’t be divided again, and now we had our precious daughter. I couldn’t image a better beginning to the story of the rest of our lives.

  The End

  Dear Reader,

  This book is a work of fiction that is based on personal experiences and a hefty amount of research. It’s not perfect. Every woman’s journey to becoming a mother, or becoming a mother again, is different. There are women out there who have never struggled to have children, and there are women who have to wait a decade. I realize this, and this book was not meant to glamorize or trivialize that struggle. This is just one woman’s journey and the baggage that came along with it.

  Thanks so much for taking a chance on this novel. It was a big change from what I’m used to writing, but it was a story I needed to tell. I hope you enjoyed Mackenzie and Bryson’s story because I truly loved writing it.

  Acknowledgements

  As always, my first and biggest thanks needs to go to my husband, Ryan. You’re my biggest fan and I appreciate it more than I could ever tell you.

  Next, I need to thank my critique partner, Maria. You kept my butt in line and I don’t know how I could have written this book without your input. Thanks for the endless Facebook messages, emails, and questions.

  I’d also like to thank my beta readers!

  Brianna, you said you’d read a cereal box if I wrote it and I just might take you up on that someday. Thanks for being by my side for another book. Your input was, as always, invaluable.

  Jenni, you’ve been a cheerleader for me for a while now and I hope I help you as much as you’ve helped me. Thanks for reading this book so fast and giving me a perspective I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I can’t wait to see where your career takes you. In the meantime, everyone else should check out her first book here!

  Michele, you’re so insightful. I’m so lucky I got you to take a look at my book. Your input was always right on point and exactly what my story needed. I wish you the best of luck with your own writing and can’t wait to see where it takes you!