Forever Reckless

by Brittany Butler

  “I’ve had better. How are you?” I finally tell her.

  “I’ve been better,” she tells me. I walk toward her and take a seat on the couch.

  “Audrey, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to keep that from you but I knew what it would do to you if you knew. He loves you and you love him, don’t let a mistake that happened years ago—that we didn’t remember, keep you from him.” When she doesn’t respond I continue to ramble, “What you have is rare. You won’t find it again.”

  “You’ve found it with Adrian. Don’t be dramatic.” She rolls her eyes at me.

  “No, what I had with him wasn’t like what you have. What you had with William doesn’t compare either. You know I’m right.” William, ugh, I cringe when I mention his name. Would she be mad if I told her what happened between the two of us? I plan to keep that secret to myself for now.

  “Had?” She looks confused. I haven’t talked to her in days. She has no idea what’s going on with my love life, or lack thereof.

  “We aren’t getting back together, Audrey.” I offer her a smile. “I’m fine. I’ve had my closure but I don’t want to talk about what’s in the past. I want to talk about fixing the mess I made.”

  “William called,” She says when we compose ourselves. “He wants Kellen and me to hang out with him and Rachel.” Rachel, the only name I hate more than William’s.

  She continues to talk but I can’t listen. I nod my head and offer smiles when expected. My concentration is absorbed with William’s impulsive visit.

  My phone vibrates with a text at an ungodly hour. I groan and stretch my arm out to grab it from my bedside table. I refocus my eyes to see if I read the text and name correctly.

  I’m coming this weekend. I want to see you.

  Rachel insisted that she tagged along. I think she knows.

  I want to respond but I don’t. If he wants to see me then he needs to break things off with Rachel. Not that I’m a saint, but I do know what we did was wrong. And I’m going to be the one to end it.

  My clock read eleven-am, it’s not that early. I crawl out of bed and stretch my stiff body before going downstairs. Audrey is sitting in front of the TV, eating cereal in her pajamas. I walk into the kitchen and to the cabinet that has been calling my name; once my Bloody Mary is finished I join her in the living room.

  “Liv, you’re drinking before noon?” I don’t have to look at her face to know that she disapproves.

  “I’m stress drinking,” I reply while I pick the toppings from the side of the glass. “It’s like stress eating with better benefits.”

  “I think that’s what all alcoholics say,” I suppress a smile.

  “Yeah, yeah,” I say. “Do you want one?” Her face turns to disgust.

  “No, thank you.”

  “This conversation will be reversed after this weekend,” I laugh. “You’re going to need all of the alcohol you can get your hands on.”

  “It’s going to be fine. Kellen promised he wouldn’t say or do anything.” I laugh at her because I can tell by the sound of her voice she isn’t convinced. My phone vibrates with another text.

  You’re ignoring me. What did I do to deserve that?

  “Why do you look so pissed at your phone?” Audrey eyes me suspiciously. I shake my head at her, letting her know I don’t want to talk. “Adrian?”

  “No,” I laugh. “It’s not Adrian. He’ll never text me again.”

  “What happened? He went to your parents for Christmas!”

  “Well, we had a fight Christmas Day and he left.”

  “Ugh! I will talk to him about this,” she says, crossing her arms with a displeasing look.

  “He’s a good guy,” I say, shaking my head. “He didn’t do this. I did.”

  “I don’t understand… I thought you liked him.”

  “I’m not ready to talk about it. I fucked it up. The one guy I actually like. I’m just like my…”

  “You are nothing like your dad! Don’t even go there. Look, I’m sure it’ll work out. All couples fight and break-up. Kellen and I end things at least once a day.” She laughs, nudging me with her shoulder.

  “I don’t think this will work out,” I say, her face falls. “But that’s okay. It was a learning experience. Just don’t say anything to Adrian. He’s a good guy, I’m the asshole.”

  Her lips press into a hard line, her expression is unreadable. She nods her head, accepting my vague excuse.

  Chapter Three

  “I’m going grocery shopping. Do you need anything?” Audrey asks.

  I shake my head; she waves at me before walking out of the door. I collapse onto the couch and stare at the blank screen in front of me. William will be here tonight, can I see him with Rachel? I don’t think I can.

  I start making preparations for the weekend to stay away, when there’s a knock at the door I stop. It’s probably Kellen. He screwed up and he’s going to harass Audrey until she forgives him. I never imagined seeing the face that’s staring back at me now.

  “Rachel had a thing at the university,” he tells me. “Can I come in?” I push the door open wider, allowing him to walk inside.

  “Does she know where you are?” I slam the door, crossing my arms across my chest.

  “No.” He shoves his hands in his pockets. “I want to break it off with her.” He takes a step toward me, but I stop him.

  “Don’t!” I yell at him, “I know what you’re doing.”

  “And what am I doing?” He narrows his eyes at me.

  “You’re telling me what I want to hear. You don’t want to break-up with her, not really. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if you truly wanted to break-up with her!”

  “It’s not that easy…” He explains, but I cut him off.

  “It is that easy! It was easy for Adrian and me.”

  “I didn’t know you ended things.” He takes a seat on the couch and I follow him.

  “Because I’m ignoring you,” I remind him.

  His hands reach to cuff my face. He pulls my face to his and kisses my lips softly. “I’m going to end it, I promise. I want to know you’re mine when that happens.”

  “I’m yours,” I whisper to his mouth.

  He brings his mouth back to mine to deepen the kiss. His hands reach the hem of my shirt, tugging it off. He pulls me from the couch to unbutton my jeans and tosses them on the floor. He guides me behind the couch and bends me over. My mind starts to over think everything. Why is he rushing this? The answer is simple, to get back to his girlfriend. Once again, I’m in the same position.

  “I should probably pick Rachel up,” he finally speaks. My mouth flies open, but I compose myself before he can notice the affect his words have on me.

  “You know where the door is,” I tell him. I pull on my clothes and stalk in the bathroom. I collapse against the door and my tears fall. I shouldn’t cry I don’t deserve to cry. Not after what I did to Adrian, and what I’m continuing to do to Rachel.

  I pull myself from the floor and rinse my face off. When I walk back into the living room I see he actually left. I go to the front door and open it to reveal an empty driveway. My heart constricts, but I won’t feel sorry for myself.

  Good, leave, and don’t fucking think about coming back!

  My phone vibrates with text after text. Each sound reminds me that William won’t give up our fling, but he’s out with his girlfriend instead of me. My eyes remain on the wall in front of me, determined not to text back.

  I think about going out but I dismiss the idea. After an hour my eyes dart over to my phone and my curiosity wins. William has sent texts starting with an apology, followed by rants. The last text is the one that captures my attention. My eyebrows pull together when I read over his strange question.

  Can I stay at your house this weekend?

  I type back a nonchalant response saying that he can stay. I collapse into my bed and the heaviness of my eyes eventually wins.

  “Hey, wake up.” I hear a voice tell
me. I peel one eye open to see William standing beside my bed. I prop my head on my elbow and look around my room to make sure no one else is here.

  “They went out,” he tells me.

  “Why are you here?”

  He shrugs and takes a seat beside me in my bed. His mouth curves into a smile, and it almost works in his favor.

  “Your room is the second door on the left. Close my door when you leave,” I tell him. I roll over to face away from him. Seconds tick by until I feel the bed shift and hear his soft footsteps leading him out of my room. After he shuts the door I run behind him to lock it.

  I lie in bed awake for hours. When Kellen and Audrey pass by my room I sit up. She’ll find out this weekend, I can be the one to tell her or it will be disastrously thrown in her face. I can’t see the weekend ending well for anyone. With William’s impulsive behavior and his girlfriend watching his every move.

  “Are you decent?” I ask after I knock on Audrey’s door.

  “Unfortunately,” Kellen replies.

  “Can I talk to you?” I open the door and find Kellen on the floor with only a blanket and pillow. He stands and walks out of the bedroom.

  “I know, and I’m not mad.” Audrey tells me when I take a seat beside her.

  “You know?” My mouth flies open.

  “Everyone knows, Liv. His girlfriend was going on and on about it after he left dinner. Did you have anything to do with that?” I pull my lip into my mouth. I had nothing to do with that, but I can’t throw William under the bus. “God Olivia, when did this start?”

  “When I visited at Thanksgiving, it’s a recent thing. That’s why Adrian and I got into a fight.”

  “You had a boyfriend then! And he has a girlfriend! A girlfriend that I entertained while you were probably screwing him in the bed that they’re in! Are you and Adrian getting back together?” I shake my head no. “Are you and William getting together?”

  “I don’t know, Audrey,” I groan and fall back on her bed. “This is a clusterfuck!”

  “What do you want to do?” She asks me.

  “I think I’ve always liked him,” I admit to her.

  We fall asleep lying beside each other. It’s almost peaceful. As peaceful as it can be when my mind is running a million miles per hour. Until Kellen wakes me up.

  “What are you doing?” I ask groggily. I see him walking out of Audrey’s bathroom with clothes in his hand.

  “Uh...” His body stiffens until he sees that it’s me that’s talking to him. “I have to go home. Something came up.”

  “Well, what do you want me to her?” I point to Audrey. I narrow my eyes at him. What are you not saying, Kellen?

  “Just tell her I’ll call when I can.” He exits the room without a further explanation. I glance back to my best friend and wonder what I should actually tell her. She will freak if I tell her what he just told me.

  After I decide I can’t go back to sleep I wake her up. “Don’t make me go out there alone,” I whine.

  “You did this to yourself,” she smiles. “Go back to sleep.”

  “They’re up. Kellen left about an hour ago.” That makes her snap awake.

  “Why?” She asks.

  “I don’t know. He said he had something to take care of at his house.”

  Her eyes narrow but she nods. I follow her downstairs and hope she doesn’t ask any more questions. When we pass the guest room that William is staying in. I let out a groan. I hope Rachel is a late sleeper.

  “Good morning, I was going to wake you both up within the hour.” He greets us when we walk in the living room. “David should be back any minute with our breakfast.”

  “Who’s David?” Audrey asks him.

  “My driver,” William says.

  “I’m going upstairs. I’ll be back in a minute,” she says. I watch her slowly walk up the stairs and disappear into the hallway. William takes my arm and leads me to the couch.

  “I want to talk to you.” His hands wrap around mine but I jerk back. The shock and disappointment is evident but he doesn’t say anything.

  “So talk.” I cross my arms, narrow my eyes, and wait for him to speak.

  “This weekend didn’t go as planned,” he says, his right hand sweeps down his face.

  “You brought your girlfriend to my house for the weekend! What did you expect?” I laugh without humor.

  “A different outcome,” he deadpans.

  “Look, I’m sorry, but this has to end. You can’t show up here anymore,” I shake my head, “And the calls and texts need to stop.” The annoyed expression drains from his face leaving a blank, unreadable expression.

  “I’m going to end it,” he tells me, but I cut him off before I can hear the excuse again.

  “Call me when you do.” His lips press into a hard line. Moments tick by before he finally speaks.

  “She’s with David right now and she wants us to leave after breakfast today.”

  “When will they be back?”

  “Soon,” he warns.

  I nod my head and take that as a cue to leave the room. The last thing I want is Rachel walking in and seeing us on the couch together. Audrey strolls in the room, her eyes darting between the two of us. The door opens and I hear someone walking into the room, the world stops. This is it. I turn to find Rachel, she doesn’t look her best and I can see the horror in her eyes when she notices me on the couch. Her red hair is tied back and she’s dressed in leggings and a sweatshirt.

  “Where should I put the food?” Rachel asks.

  Audrey and William show her to the kitchen. Her lips press into a hard line as storms out of the room. I walk quietly behind them.

  “Our bags are in the car. I’ll be waiting for you there.” She says and exits the room quickly.

  Audrey grabs a piece of toast and walks out of the kitchen. I turn my attention to William, who’s standing in front of the island with his hands gripping the counter making his sweater snug across his chest and arms.

  If anyone knew what was under his suits.

  Don’t go there. I grab a sack of food and walk away.

  “I’ll call you,” he says.

  I almost laugh. I’ve heard that line before. What’s more, I’ve used that line many times. I nod my head in agreement and walk away. He doesn’t deserve a response from me right now.

  I stand in front of Audrey’s door but I decide against going in. She has enough going on with Kellen, she doesn’t need my problems. My phone vibrates from a text, I roll my eyes.

  He hasn’t left my house and he’s already texting me!

  But, it’s not William. It’s Adrian.

  Can I come over? I need to get my stuff. The text says.

  Yeah. I respond.

  I wish Kellen was here to let Adrian in. I don’t want to face him after the weekend I had. I walk into the bathroom and pull my brush through my hair. I add mascara before walking downstairs. I hear the doorbell as I walk into the living room. I peek around the house and find that William left.

  Adrian stands behind the door with a tight smile. His dark brown hair is pushed away from his face and he’s dressed in athletic clothes. I tell him to come in and walk awkwardly behind him. Should I walk to my room with him? Before I can over think everything, I sigh and follow far behind him.

  I watch him tear through drawers, my closet, and my bathroom. I didn’t realize until this moment how many of his belongings were at my house. My heart shatters when he throws everything into a bag. He finally looks up at me and I almost break.

  “Do you want to grab lunch? Uhh, we don’t have to go. I just thought it would be… nice.”

  “Sure,” I murmur to him. He motions for me to lead the way. I grab my purse and keys and walk out of my room.

  “Let’s go to the Mexican place in your neighborhood,” he tells me when we get in my car. I nod. I can’t find my voice. I’m scared of what I will say if I speak. How can he be civil with me after what I put him through?

  I pull my Audi in
to the first parking space. I look over at him and I’m met with hopeful, bright brown eyes. I release my seatbelt and get out of my car. When we’re seated, the hostess smiles brightly and checks him out. I narrow my eyes at her.

  “Look, you’re probably wondering why I asked you to come,” he says and looks over at me.

  “Yeah, I’ve been an asshole to you.”

  The waitress walks to our table to get our drink orders. This buys me time to think of what I want to say to him. I know he doesn’t want an apology or an excuse. At this point, that’s all I have to offer him.

  “I’m sorry…” I begin to tell him but he cuts me off.

  “Don’t,” he holds his hands up. “I forgive you, Liv. I just want to put it behind us, okay?”

  My eyebrows shoot up. “Okay. Friends?”

  “Friends?” He takes a breath and lowers his voice. “No, not friends, I can forgive you and we can move on.”

  I take a sip of my water and set it on the table as the v between my eyebrows forms. I toss the idea around in my head, but I can’t move past it. We had a god run, but we just didn’t fit.

  “I want to be with you, Liv, I love you. I just need you to tell me you won’t see him again.”

  “You would forgive me? Just like that?” I ask in disbelief.

  “Just like that,” he agrees. “I’ve caught shit for it from Kellen.”

  The waitress delivers our food and asks if we need anything. She leaves the table too soon. I rack my brain for a response. I hope Rachel isn’t as forgiving as you. I hope they break-up. I shake those thoughts from my head.

  “I don’t know what to say,” I finally admit to him.

  “Say you’re done with him.”

  “I can’t say that.” I shake my head at him and push my food around on my plate, avoiding his eyes. “You can’t ask me to do that. I grew up with him.”

  “I can’t ask you to do that? I can’t win with you, Olivia! I just promised to forgive you if you will just stay away from him.” He pushes his plate away and runs his free hand through his hair.