Forever Reckless

by Brittany Butler

  “No, I don’t want you in the middle of it,” I say.

  “We’re still talking about a stomach virus, right?” I glance at her. She watches me with concern. I toss the idea around but I decide against telling her. Not yet, if I tell someone it’s real.

  “Yeah, I’ll call him later. Promise,” I say.

  “Okay… Hey! Let’s go get lunch. Maybe we can even go out tonight... I’ll skip class!”

  I smile at her. “Not today,” I say, weakly.

  “You’re making me crazy. I’m watching you,” she says. She points her finger and stands.

  “Go! You’re going to be late for class.”

  “I’m leaving now.” She walks to the door and turns to me. “Call me if you need anything, okay?” I nod. Slowly, she turns and leaves from my room.

  For the first time in days, I pick up my phone. I have missed calls and texts from family, friends from class, but mostly William. I swipe a tear after I read his last text, I can feel the heartbreak flow through his words. They slice through my core, leaving me numb. I hover over his name, debating my options. What will I say?

  He answers on the first ring. “Liv?”

  “Yeah,” I say, my voice is steady.

  “Excuse me,” he says. His breath is heavy on the phone as I hear him walking. “What’s going on?” He demands.

  “I’ve been so sick. I haven’t left my room or checked my phone…”

  “Audrey should’ve called. I’m looking at flights now, I can be there tonight,” he says.

  “No, don’t do that…”

  “Yeah, I am. Have you even been to the doctor?”

  “I. Am. Fine. It’s just that…I’m not ready to see you yet.” I close my eyes, holding a hand over my mouth.

  “Oh, we’re back to this?” His voice shifts from concerned to pissed.

  “Yeah, I guess we are,” I say.

  “Tell me Olivia, what happened between last week and today?”

  “Nothing.” A sob releases.

  “You’re crying, what’s going on?”

  “Nothing, I promise. I’ll call you when I’m feeling up for a visit.”

  “Okay,” he says, exhaling. “I’ll give you a few days. I love you.”

  “I love you too, William.” Tears flow freely from my face. “I love you so much.”

  The moment hangs over us, we both stay on the phone, and neither of us speaks. I cherish the time, the first time I spoke the words. He’s stunned to silence, my attitude is worrying him. He thinks he’s losing me, if he only knew that I’m worried I may lose him. If I distance myself, it won’t hurt as much. Soon everything will change between us, and I fear for the worst.

  I consider his question again and again. Have I been to the doctor? It was the least of my concern. I pull myself from the bed and walk into the bathroom. Minutes later, I come out dressed. Hope swells within; the test could be wrong, I make an emergency appointment with my doctor and speed through traffic to get there.

  They’re wrong. All eight of the tests are wrong, I repeat over and over. They have to be wrong.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Seconds ticked into minutes, days seeped into weeks. Time is scrambling by in an angry rush and yet I remain standing still, unsure of my decision. I take a sip of my water, washing my pill down. The girl in the reflection isn't me. The blonde staring back at me is sporting dark circles under her eyes. Her face is lined with concern.

  A knock on my door brings me to present time. I know who it is without asking. Audrey has failed miserably at pulling me out of the funk she swears I'm going through. I'm quick to disregard each accusation from her. The requests for a night out have diminished along with her peppy attitude. She now watches me concern, taking each opportunity to ask if I'm okay. I assure her I'm fine, but the fear of the unknown drowns out all logic. Deep down I know I should tell him soon.

  "Liv?" Audrey calls out to me.

  I walk from my bathroom to find her sitting on the edge of my bed. The corners of her mouth turn up slowly. Her blonde hair is straight, flowing down her back. Her face is lined with make-up; her clothes are simple, yet tell me she's up to something.

  "I need to run something by you," she says. Her eyes dance around my face before she continues. "Kellen is in tonight and he's coming over."

  "Say no more, I'll stay in my room all night." I hold out my hands in protest, grinning with victory.

  She shakes her head, shooting me a pointed stare. "Adrian is coming with him..." Her lips twitch into a smile. "He wanted to hang out with Kellen, but Kellen wanted to see me tonight. And I thought seeing a friend would cheer you up," she explains, quickly.

  "Okay. As long as we stay here tonight," I say. I raise my eyebrow with question.

  "Okay, what the hell is going on with you?" Looking down, I exhale preparing to spill my secret. "Come on." She stands in front of me, arms stretched out to help me to my feet.

  "You don't have to tell me. Just know I'm here if you need me," she says. Her warm smile is contagious as she wraps me into a hug. "Let’s fix you."

  She nudges me toward the bathroom. I scrub my face and apply the bare minimum make-up while she eyes me suspiciously. I peel my clothes off and step into clean tights and pull on a shirt.

  "Is it William?" She asks.

  "I thought we weren't talking about it," I groan in frustration.

  "Why are you so hung up on him, Liv?" I glare at her while I stalk past her. She quickly dashes into my bedroom. "It doesn't make sense to me!"

  Continuing to ignore her, I walk downstairs desperate for an escape. I want to tell her, but I can't. He needs to know first.

  "I mean you have to agree this is out of character for you. I saw a guy leaving your room once and I asked you what his name was. Do you even remember your reply? You said it must have slipped your mind between orgasms!"

  The door bell rings, her face presses into a hard scowl. "This isn't over," she says, walking to let Kellen and Adrian inside.

  "What's wrong?" I hear Kellen's muffled voice trailing after Audrey. Adrian steps into the living room. He spots me and strides in my direction.

  "It's been a minute," he says, grinning. I nod my head and take a seat on the couch.

  "What's going on with them?" He nods his head in their direction.

  "Nothing, she's mad at me," I say.

  His mouth forms an O and he doesn't push for answers. My phone vibrates beside me. Williams name flashes on the screen, I ignore the call and tuck the phone safely behind me.

  "What are we doing tonight?" I ask, changing the subject.

  "You tell me," he shrugs, laughing. "This is your thing."

  I roll my eyes. Of course she told him that. Audrey walks into the living room with Kellen's arm slung over her shoulder and an upbeat smile. She dangles a bottle of wine in front of my face, grinning.

  "None for me," I tell her.

  "Hell just froze over," Adrian chuckles.

  "You look like shit," Kellen adds, flopping into the chair. He pulls Audrey into his lap while she carefully studies me.

  My phone vibrates. I ignore his call again, hoping Adrian didn't see his name. I glance up to find three pair of eyes on me.

  My eyebrows pull in. "What?"

  "This is an intervention," Kellen says, laughing. "I'm kidding. But really, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

  "Nothing’s wrong," I say much harsher than I intended. My phone continues to vibrate; their eyes linger on my face looking for a sign.

  Audrey pours three glasses of wine, taunting me with her eyes as she passes them out. At this point they each know something is different about me. Kellen and Adrian go into conversation about his present baseball season. Audrey flips mindlessly through channels and I focus my attention on them, prying the thoughts from my mind.

  The door bell goes off and Audrey looks to Kellen. "Did you order food?" She asks and he shakes his head.

  She walks out of the room seconds later calling out to me. "Uh, Olivi
a, I think this is for you."

  I find William standing in the door way. My eyes shoot daggers at Audrey. "This wasn't me," she says. She shrugs and leaves us alone.

  "What are you doing here?" I ask.

  "You wouldn't answer my calls." He shrugs stepping into the house.

  “Audrey has company in the living room. Let's go to my room?" He nods.

  Walking through the living room, I cringe. William stops short of the stairs, turning to face Adrian. Kellen nudges Audrey from his lap, standing between them. I brace for a fall out.

  "Am I interrupting something?" William speaks directly to me.

  I shake my head. "Audrey invited them," I say.

  His jaw works beneath his skin as his anger resurfaces. Once upon a time, a time before me, he was calm and level headed. His temper was always intact. He shoves his fist into his pockets and leans casually against the wall, fighting his anger within each movement.

  "Leave," he says with his voice dangerously low.

  "Dude, are you fucking kidding me?" Adrian fires back.

  "It's cool." Kellen throws his hands up. "We were just leaving for my place."

  "The fuck we were!" Adrian glares at him.

  "Olivia didn't invite you," William taunts him.

  "She didn't tell me to leave," Adrian retorts. He crosses his arms; a sly grin fills his face.

  "Enough! Seriously?" I glance between them. "Adrian, it was good to see you, but I need to talk to William. You guys have fun at Kellen’s," I say, smiling and waving at them.

  "Are you sure?" Audrey catches my elbow.

  "Yeah, go have fun."

  I start up the stairs, my eyes land on William. He stands waiting at the top, his posture is rigid. I have to tell him tonight. I have no way out of this. With each step I take, bile rises in my throat. I push past him and make it to my bathroom before the contents of my stomach toss out of me.

  "Liv?" He walks into the bathroom, his eyes wide as he takes in the scene. "Are you sick?"

  "Not exactly," I groan.

  "Are you drunk?" I shoot him a cold glare. He rakes his hand through his dark blonde hair, sighing in exasperation. "Just tell me what's wrong."

  "Why do you care?" I push off of the floor and stalk into my bedroom.

  "I'm the same guy that flew thousands of miles to see you tonight because you won't answer your phone. I've barely talked to you in weeks. I almost got into a fight over you! And," he smiles an irresistible boyish grin. "I sound like a stalker."

  "Glad I'm not the only one that thinks so." We take a seat on my bed close enough that our legs touch.

  He cuffs my face, forcing me to look at him. "Tell me," he says.

  "I don't want to tell you this way." He pulls his brows in, searching my face.

  "Okay," he says, clueless. "How do you want to tell me?"

  "Maybe through a text…In a few months," I say.

  "Now I'm intrigued. You realize I'm not letting you leave this room ‘til you tell me, right?"

  I look down, my fingers picking at the hem of my shirt. I've thought of this moment and how it would play out. The truth is nothing could prepare me for this.

  "I'm pregnant."

  I look up, blinking back hot tears. I'm not sure if I'm telling William or if I'm finally admitting it to myself. Minutes tick by before I hear him sigh. It hits me as the lingering stressful breath leaves his body. He doesn't want this. I can't blame him, can I?

  "Have you been with anyone else?" He asks.

  I gasp. I could handle indifference. I could handle if he didn't want to be with me through this. But this, I can't handle.

  "Get the hell out of my house!"

  "No! I didn't mean it like that!" He says as he holds his hands up with innocence.

  "You didn't mean it like that?" I laugh without humor.

  "I just, I thought that maybe you didn't tell me because this happened before we officially got together." My anger falters, I watch as his face flushes and he stumbles over each word.

  "Seven weeks. You do the math," I fire at him.

  "Spring break," he says moments later.

  "Maybe I should figure out the exact date it happened. I don't want to confuse my spring break encounters."

  "I get it. I'm an asshole," he says. "What do we do? What do you want?"

  I shrug my shoulders. "What do you want?" I ask, searching his eyes.

  "I didn't want kids. I didn't want to be married. But when I'm with you... you change my mind. I want everything you want, because your happiness is everything to me."

  His piercing eyes hold my gaze. I lie in my bed, tucking the covers under my chin. The bed shifts and he's beside me. "What do you want?"

  "You," I say.

  The corners of his mouth tug into a shy grin. If he only knew the doubt laced in my mind, yes, I want him. How do I want him? I don't know. When I find out, will he reciprocate my feelings? I lay my head on his chest.

  "Your parents are going to be pissed." His chest vibrates with laughter.

  I push myself from the bed and walk to my bathroom. Grabbing the pill bottle, I walk to my bed. His clothes are tossed carelessly on the floor; he's lying on my bed in briefs. The covers are kicked to his side revealing his tone body. His arm is thrown behind his head.

  "What's that?" He asks.

  "For morning sickness," I say, placing the bottle beside the bed. I admit I'm codependent; I never get within inches of these things. I'll never understand how people enjoy pregnancy. Maybe those women don't experience the misery of morning sickness.

  "You're sick?" His face shifts into concern, I nod. "Move in with me."

  I laugh nervously. "Wow."

  "No, I'm serious." He shifts to sitting position. “You were already thinking about it...”

  "That's insane! We've been together for a few weeks." His hands wrap around my wrist, pulling me on his lap.

  "I've known you my entire life. Humor me," he deadpans."The thought of you being here alone and sick..." I press my lips to his.

  "I'll think about it," I promise him. I cuff the side of his face, planting a kiss on his mouth.

  "When's graduation?"

  "Three weeks." I crash into bed beside him. He pulls me close.

  "I can come to the ceremony and help you move after," he says, thinking out loud. "We'll need to have your car brought in," he says, grabbing his phone

  "What are you doing?"

  "Taking care of everything," he says.

  "Did you hear what I just said? I'll think about it," I say, dragging out each word.

  "While you're thinking about it, I'll take care of it." His face pulls into a smug grin. I stare daggers at him before turning over.

  The chorus of fingers tapping his screen is a constant reminder of his cocky attitude. Yes, I can see myself moving to New York with him. I know it's the right thing to do, but the rebellious side of me, the dominant part, wants to remain in California.

  “Don’t get ahead of yourself. We have to tell my parents first.” I laugh, not from humor, because I might cry if I don’t. I’ve done questionable things in my college years but they always overlooked it. This is different.

  In the end, William will be fine. He faces his problems head on, like an adult. I, on the other hand, want to mail my parents a letter and relocate in a different country.

  “Let’s call them tomorrow,” I say. He looks at me, eyebrow cocked. “And tell them.”

  “You really think that’s the right thing to do?” He asks.

  I shrug my shoulders. Is it the right thing to do? Absolutely not, but I know I can’t keep this from them any longer. They deserve to know. And William and I need to be safely across the country from them.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The bed shakes as I continue bobbing my leg. Grinning, William lays his hand on my knee. I clutch the phone in my hands. If I’m being honest I never imagined this moment, even with a husband by my side, I didn’t think I would ever tell my parents I’m pregnant. I peek dow
n the hallway and close the door. Anxiety bubbles in my chest as I sit by William.

  “You ready?” He asks. His voice is cool and steady.

  “How are you so calm? They’re going to kill you!”

  He laughs, “Isn’t that why we’re telling them over the phone?”

  “Well, duh.” I shoot him a glare, “Roles will be reversed when you tell your family.”

  He shakes his head, smiling. “No, why would I be scared?”

  “Whatever, let’s just get this over with.”

  I click on my mom’s name. I chew my bottom lip until she picks up.

  “Hello?” My mom says.

  “Hey mom, is dad around? I have some news…” I glance to William and switch the phone to speaker.

  “I’m here,” he says.

  “So, remember I told you I’m dating William?”

  “You mentioned it,” my mom says, clearly annoyed.

  “We are and uh... Things are getting serious… And I’m pregnant.”

  Silence.

  “What were you thinking Olivia?” My mom yells.

  “You are still in college,” my dad chimes in. “Did you stop and think how this would make us look? Do you only think about yourself?”

  I see red. William shakes his head at me. “You’re one to talk!” William rests his hands in his palms as the conversation shifts. “I hope you don’t knock up one of your whores! It would make the family look bad!”

  “Your mother and I have worked through that,” he says.

  “Really? Was that before or after I ran into you at the bar! That girl was younger than me!”

  “That is enough,” my mom says. “Olivia, what are you going to do?”

  “I’m moving in with William…”

  “So, you’re actually going through with this?” My dad asks.

  I ball my fist at my side. “Yes sir, we’re doing the right thing. We’re happy and in time, I hope you come around,” William says, his voice is clipped. I press end.

  Emotions flow from my mouth when a problem presents itself. A snarky secret has no place in a family fight and once it’s out there you can’t take it back. In attempt to get back at the man I hate, I attack the one woman that unconditionally loves me. She looked past my wrongdoings, I hurt someone in a way she can relate, and yet I destroyed her forgiveness—her caring heart. The single grain of hope for her family is her daughters, but one by one we’re abusing it.