Everything Between Us

by Harper Bliss

  I snort. “Maybe we should save this particular topic for later.”

  “Okay.” Her fingertips press into my jeans. “How about you show me the rest of your apartment?”

  “Okay.” I’m pretty sure she means my bedroom, which I have tidied, but have no intention of spending time in with her. Not today.

  As I get up, she slips her hand in mine, and I show her the tiny bathroom, which now has a third cup with a toothbrush on the side of the sink. Then we stand outside of my bedroom door.

  “That’s Eva’s room and here is my kingdom.” I show her in. For an instant, it feels like that time she ended up in my office. Like there’s not enough air in the room for both of us.

  “These look familiar.” She walks over to my bookcase, the shelves of which are sagging under the weight I make them carry. “You haven’t sold them on eBay yet.” She taps the stack of books she signed for me.

  “Haven’t been that strapped for cash just yet.”

  She chuckles. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about possibly using some of your research for one of my books. Or one of our books, if you like. But I always get so distracted when I’m with you.” Caitlin crashes down onto my bed. I lean my hip awkwardly against my desk. “This hardly seems like the right environment to discuss it either.” She shoots me a smile then looks around some more. She picks up the book I have on my nightstand, twirls it around in her hands and reads the title out loud. “Don’t Wait Until Tomorrow For What You Can Achieve Today. Is it any good?”

  Good? How can I explain to her that what makes a book like that good for me is not what will make it a must-read for her without sounding too defensive?

  “You can borrow it once I’ve finished it.”

  “Thanks and I don’t intend to.” She puts the book back and leans back on her palms. “Wait until tomorrow, I mean.” She smiles up at me. How did she end up on my bed so quickly? “Come sit with me?”

  “I—I would feel more comfortable in the living room.”

  “Oh.” A flash of disappointment crosses her face. “Sure.” She pushes herself up with enviable elegance. “Hey.” She takes my hand and pulls me to her. “I wasn’t being presumptuous. I promise.”

  I’m so close I can smell her perfume again—a scent that’s difficult to forget. Deep inside of me, something unclenches, but I know I have to be strong. This moment may feel promising, but nothing has changed—though I’m not entirely sure yet how to go about changing the things I would need to in order to successfully sleep with Caitlin.

  “Can I kiss you?” she asks.

  “Yes. In the living room,” I say coyly.

  Caitlin is straddling me in the sofa. Clearly me not wanting to stay in the bedroom has had no effect on her desire to kiss me again and again. My thighs are pressed together between her hips and her chest pushes into mine every time she leans in for another round. She tastes of cool wine and the tangy dressing I made and her hands are in my hair again and she’s slowly driving me crazy.

  “As much as I would like to,” I try to say in between another onslaught of kisses. My voice is breathless and unconvincing.

  “What, Josephine? Are you going to ask me to leave now?” She smiles a wicked smile, then bites softly into my earlobe. “Because I would very much like to stay a little longer.”

  “Please, can I, er, just ask you a question.”

  “Shoot,” she whispers in my ear, prolonging the word, her breath tickling my skin.

  “You can’t kiss me while I’m asking it.” I push her away a bit, which is hard to do while I’m totally enveloped by her.

  She leans back, her behind on my knees.

  “It’s just hard for me to wrap my head around all of this. It’s clear as day why I like you. You’re one of my idols. I have so much respect for your work. You are one of the sexiest women I’ve ever met. It’s no wonder I’m infatuated with you. It would, in fact, be strange if I wasn’t. But you? You keep coming back? Is it because you want to question me about my dissertation research? And if so, why haven’t you done so already?”

  “Wow,” Caitlin says on a sigh. “Way to kill the mood.” She narrows her eyes. “Are you really that insecure that you have to explicitly ask me what I see in you?”

  “Ouch again.” I look away.

  “You can’t ask me a question like that, have me counter with a perfectly understandable follow-up question and then act all wounded.”

  “I wish I could be more like you. Confident and ready to lose myself in a bout of enjoyable sex at the drop of a hat. Carefree and flirting and sharing my visions on open relationships. But I’m not that girl. I have so many questions running through my head every time we are together. And I do want to spend time with you. God, it’s all I want, but I just fail to see what you could possibly be getting out of this.”

  She brings a finger to my chin and slowly turns my head so I face her again. “I don’t want you to be any other girl than yourself, Josephine. And I see the terror show up in your eyes. But… I happen to think you are beautiful and interesting and very smart, except, perhaps, when it comes to dealing with people who have a, and I’d like to stress the following word, mutual crush on you.” She plants her hands on my shoulders. “I know you’re scared of going to bed with me again. Perhaps you even think I’m somehow disappointed in you, even though I’ve already told you that what happened was totally normal. Just as I know that, if only you could not be so afraid all the time—afraid of what I or other people might think of you—you would be more than smart enough to see this exactly for what it is. It’s two people liking each other and getting to know each other better. Maybe even the beginning of something wonderful, if you don’t overthink it to death.” She scoots her knees a little closer. “At one point, you are going to have to get out of your head. There are no two ways about it. I’d like to be there when that happens.”

  “I keep fucking up. I’m sorry.”

  Caitlin shakes her head. “And you keep apologizing for just being you.”

  I swallow the next I’m sorry that sits at the tip of my tongue.

  “Tell you what.” She kisses me on the cheek, her lips barely making contact. “With your permission, I would like to kiss you some more.” Again, a touch of the lips barely perceptible. “And we’ll take things slowly. That’s perfectly fine by me. As long as we go on another date next week.”

  “Sounds pretty good to me.” I pull her close by the back of the head and kiss her fully on the lips.

  Chapter Twenty

  “So?” I ask Micky first thing when I see her on Monday morning. “Did you talk to your kids?”

  “I talked to my kids, to their father and to Robin,” she says while arranging the chairs around the tables. “Darren could hardly object, seeing as, according to Christopher and Olivia, Lisa is basically already living with him. And everyone said yes. Robin is pretty easy to like, I guess.” She stops what she’s doing and walks over to me. “My house is quite small, but it’ll be cozy.” She sends me a wide smile. “It feels so… I don’t know, incredibly warm in my heart, no matter how corny that may sound, to make plans to live with someone again. I mean, she’s not going to move in tomorrow, but the ground work has been done. The kids are okay with it. Now I just have to tell my mother that her daughter will be shacking up with a woman.”

  “I’m really happy for you Micky. That’s amazing news.”

  “And how was your weekend, Jo?” She bats her eyelashes. “I saw you sitting terribly close to a certain Miss Caitlin James last Friday. Are things back on track?”

  I remember the state Caitlin left me in last night. When she left, for a split second, I could barely stop myself from asking whether I could go back home with her. But then Eva and Declan came home and I could focus all my energy on driving Eva crazy with tales of how utterly amazing Caitlin is.

  “She came over for lunch yesterday. It was fun.”

  “And they say you should never meet your heroes. Good for you.”

&n
bsp; “I know.” I glow a little on the inside as I head to the door. “Time to open up.”

  “Do you want to have lunch with me and Amber later?”

  “Depends. How many times is she going to ask me to do yoga this time?”

  “Just ignore her.”

  “She seemed pretty close to Martha last Friday. How’s that progressing?”

  The door opens, announcing our first customer of the day.

  “Come to lunch and you can ask her all about it yourself.”

  “It will be my pleasure,” I say, and shoot the customer a wide smile.

  “Hi, Josephine. How are you?” Zoya asks while waggling her eyebrows suggestively. I wonder exactly how close she and Caitlin are.

  “I’m very well, thanks,” I say matter-of-factly. “In the neighborhood again?”

  “Caitlin keeps raving about how much she enjoys living here. I’ve had some upheaval in my life recently so I thought I’d spend some more time here. The coffee shops are not too bad.” She looks at the table were Caitlin usually sits. “Is Caitlin coming today?”

  I should know more about Caitlin’s whereabouts than her now? “I think so.”

  “Don’t you just love that penthouse she has?” She whistles through her teeth. “I wouldn’t mind living there. I’ll tell you that.”

  I hand her her vanilla soy latte. “It’s very nice.”

  “Zoya Das?” Someone has approached the counter. “I’m such a big fan.”

  Zoya turns to the woman and gives her a big smile. Zoya has the kind of television show that would surely get her recognized, but only by a certain kind of, more mature, crowd. People my age don’t have the patience to watch the sort of in-depth interviews Zoya specializes in. We’d much rather watch two-minute YouTube clips of Ellen Degeneres dancing.

  “What’s with all these famous people turning up here all of a sudden?” Micky asks. “We’ll be in paparazzi shots next, you and me, Jo.”

  “It only takes one to attract many.” I look at Zoya who is walking toward a table with the woman.

  “But Caitlin isn’t even that famous. I didn’t know her,” Micky teases.

  “But now we have Zoya as a regular Pink Bean customer as well.”

  “What do you make of her?” Micky asks. “I like her but I don’t know what her intentions are. She’s hard to read.”

  “She went through a pretty bad break-up not long ago. I guess she’s just trying to find her feet again.”

  Just then, Caitlin walks in, rescuing Zoya from her fan.

  She gives me a warm smile before ordering, but I beat her to it and say, “A flat white coming right up, Miss James.”

  “Do you have time to sit with us? I didn’t even know Zoya was going to be here.”

  “I believe she has her eye on your penthouse.”

  “Does she now?” Caitlin shoots me a wink. “We’re still on for Wednesday?”

  I’ve already given her the coffee, but she lingers by the counter.

  “Oh, yes.”

  “Can’t wait.” She leans over the counter and whispers. “Is it really bad form to kiss the barista?”

  I chuckle. “You’re Caitlin James. You can get away with it.”

  She gives me a light peck on the cheek and joins Zoya.

  “Wednesday, huh?” Micky says as soon as Caitlin is out of earshot.

  “Good to know nothing gets past you.”

  “I wasn’t intentionally eavesdropping. I just work here, too.” She has a smug smile plastered across her face.

  “Jo was asking about a progress update on you and Martha earlier.” Micky drops me right in it.

  “And I’m sure you’re in no way curious yourself,” Amber replies.

  We’re having lunch at Micky’s. Between her house, Sheryl and Kristin’s apartment and Caitlin’s penthouse, my real estate aspirations for when I, somehow, someday, start earning some actual money, have certainly gone up.

  “Martha doesn’t come to the Pink Bean that often so we can’t follow along with the action.”

  “She’s a busy woman. Full time job. Three children. Two grandkids.”

  “A burgeoning love affair?” Micky asks.

  “I guess we have taken things to the next level.” Amber sits there glowing.

  Micky slams her palm on the table. “Now you tell me? When did this happen?”

  “I don’t have to tell you every detail of what’s going on between me and Martha.” Amber pricks a piece of tomato onto her fork.

  “Of course you do. I’m your best friend. I tell you everything.”

  Amber chuckles, then turns to me. “Don’t you agree that Micky has become insufferable now that she’s about to shack up with a posh banker?”

  “Totally.”

  “Don’t let Amber lure you into changing the subject. I can see right through that,” Micky says.

  “Okay. Fine.” Amber puts down her fork and smiles triumphantly. “We slept together this weekend. It was amazing.”

  “Hallelujah!” Micky exclaims.

  “I’m not giving you any more details than that.”

  “That information will last me a while.” Micky’s tone has softened. “I’m just happy for you, Amber. That it’s becoming something real.” She turns to me. “Do you know the story? Martha was meant for me. I had a dinner party at this very table and Amber snatched her up right from under my nose.”

  Amber rolls her eyes. “It wasn’t like that at all.”

  I giggle. Being around Micky and Amber makes me feel a little giddy. Although there are some things I would like to ask Amber, in private. Maybe I should take her up on her offer of a private yoga lesson. I could ask her in confidence how she experienced sex with a new person for the first time. Maybe I could even get her opinion on open relationships while I’m at it.

  I tune out their banter for an instant, remembering how Caitlin kissed me on the cheek earlier. How she made me feel so special and wanted again. Already, a bout of nerves tears through me when I think of our next date. If only I could emerge from it looking as satisfied and pleased with myself as Amber.

  “Don’t let Caitlin pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to, Josephine. Okay?” Amber says.

  “I think Josephine can take care of herself,” Micky says.

  “I haven’t talked to her yet about our dalliance two years ago. After this weekend, it doesn’t seem so important anymore.” Amber draws her lips into another wide smile. “I’m sure Caitlin has forgotten all about it, anyway.”

  “The topic hasn’t really come up,” I say.

  “They have far more interesting things to discuss than you, Amber,” Micky says.

  “I’m sure you do.” Amber winks at me. I wish I could have only a fraction of her calm demeanor. Yoga is beginning to sound more and more enticing.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  When I arrive at Caitlin’s for our date, I have brought my running gear and a set of clothes I feel comfortable working in the next day. I leave the bag in my car to not come over too presumptuous. After all, I’m the one who wants to take things slowly.

  As I walk in, I’m baffled again by the elegance of the place. And how effortlessly Caitlin fits into it. We drink champagne on the balcony overlooking the city.

  “I would like to request an official meeting with you,” she says. “I don’t want to talk shop with you tonight, but can I come by your office some time this week to talk about my book? If you have the time, of course. I’m putting together a proposal and I would like to add some topics you know much more about than I do.”

  “We can talk about it now.”

  Caitlin shakes her head. “No. Not tonight. I have other plans for us tonight.”

  “Do you?” I look into her dark eyes. Her lips are painted a shade darker than the usual bright red.

  Caitlin stares into my eyes and nods. “I have ordered food, by the way. It should be here soon.”

  I look away from her and gaze at the view. A beat passes in silence while
I brace myself for what I’m about to say next.

  “I’ve been thinking about what you asked me this weekend. My position on open relationships? It’s pretty clear I don’t have a position on it. Not yet. But it made me wonder about something.” I shuffle in my seat and take another sip of my drink.

  “Yes?”

  “We’ve established that we’re dating and that, um, we like each other.”

  “We have indeed.” Caitlin has a crooked smile on her face, as though she knows exactly what I’m about to ask her.

  “While all of this is happening, are you seeing other people?”

  Caitlin raises her eyebrows. “And when you say seeing you actually mean sleeping with?”

  I shrug. My heart is beating very fast. This was definitely something I wanted to discuss tonight, but the champagne on an empty stomach has made me a little overzealous.

  “No, Josephine, of course I’m not sleeping with anyone else.” She huffs out a breath. “I thought my intentions were clear.”

  “They are, but all that talk of open relationships. It made me wonder.” My shoulders relax a little.

  “It would be very disrespectful of me to be sleeping with someone else while I’m courting you. Don’t you think?”

  I nod. “It would.” I sit up a bit straighter. “I get your point,” I say, “I just had to ask.”

  The intercom buzzes. Caitlin jumps up. “That’ll be the food. I’ll be right back.”

  While she saunters inside, I can’t help but wonder if, when it comes to it, I would even want an open relationship. Whether it would be a price I’d have no choice to pay to be with her. But my mind can’t even properly go there yet. Perhaps it’s denial. Or more fear. But right now, what Caitlin and I are doing, is about something else entirely than me finding out if I’m up for an open relationship.

  “Here we are.” She plants a huge pizza box on the table. “One large pepperoni.”

  “Life is complicated. Any age you’re at, there’s shit to deal with and un-fairytale-like hurdles to cross. But,” Caitlin holds up her glass, “it does get easier when you get older. To put it very simply: you start caring less about non-important stuff and the important things get easier because you’ve had time to figure out what it is that they are.”