Scratch Track

by Eli Lang

  It was a lot to take in, and it struck me for the first time how truly big that was. I’d considered it before, of course, when he told me, but it was different now, seeing Josh and Nick together. It was more than I’d imagined. The way Nick beamed down at him, the way the two of them were so obviously comfortable together. Nick was a natural at this. He loved it. It was so clear.

  I would not be a natural. The few times I’d ever been around kids had been awkward and uncomfortable, and none of them had ever seemed particularly enamored with me. But this . . . I’d agreed to right now and the time we had together, and maybe I wanted to see where that would go after, see if we still worked together, but a kid was . . . a lot. A lot of commitment, a lot of responsibility.

  And I couldn’t help thinking of how easy it would be to disappoint a little kid. How much care they needed, how important it was to provide that, to give them steadiness. I wasn’t anything steady. I was uncertainty and hurt and the big, glaring possibility of screwing so many things up. What if I screwed up with Nick? What if I screwed up with Josh?

  I couldn’t tell if Nick was seeing any of those things on my face. I tried to keep my expression neutral, but I wasn’t sure if it was working. Nick was absorbed in Josh, for the most part. But when he glanced up at me, he caught my eye and gave me a smile so gentle and tender that I figured he must have seen some of my nervousness, plain on my face. But we were in front of everyone, and it wasn’t a good place to talk about it.

  I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk about it, anyway.

  I was relieved when Nick turned back to Josh. He didn’t let him ramble on for too long. He crouched down and set his hand on Joshua’s shoulder, stemming the incessant tide of words. “Should we go see the rest of the studio?”

  I doubted Joshua had any idea about a studio or what there could be to see in it, but maybe Nick had hyped it up, or maybe there was simply a lot of excitement for a kid being in a new place, because he nodded hard, his whole head bobbing up and down. Nick stood—he was too tall to take Joshua by the hand, but he gently set his fingertips on Joshua’s head, and Josh seemed to be almost magnetized toward him. Like Nick was the point his personal compass called true north.

  Nick turned to Ben. “Do you mind? I won’t let him mess anything up.”

  Ben shrugged in his completely laid-back way. “I don’t care. Let him run wild.”

  Nicky grinned and turned to me. The blush was back, but he was obviously too happy to have Josh with him to let embarrassment or nerves make him hesitate. “If you still want to hang out with us, I’ll come get you in a half hour, and we can go for lunch or something?”

  I nodded, still a little dazed from the whirlwind that was Joshua. He was already talking again, and he kept at it as Nicky steered him out of the room and down the hall.

  When they were gone, we all kept standing there. It was like they’d taken any energy in the room with them. Micah turned to Bellamy and said, “Let’s never do that,” and Bellamy nodded, almost as hard as Joshua had. Ava, though, was looking like she might be contemplating it. Her expression was half curious and thoughtful, and half soft. I couldn’t picture Ava as a mother, but Cara would be great at it.

  Tuck was starry-eyed too. But he snapped out of it to say, “So, you and Nick, huh?” And then the entirety of the focus in the room was on me.

  “Um.” I was the best at witty, clever responses.

  Ben frowned like he was trying to put together the pieces of a puzzle, except half of them were facedown. “When did you two find time for that?”

  I stared at the floor. I would have scuffed my toes if it wouldn’t have only made it all the more mortifying. As it was, I just managed to restrain myself. “We knew each other before. We . . . had a thing before.”

  When I looked back up, they were still watching me. If I could have dug myself a hole through the floorboards and concrete and right down to the earth, and covered it back up over me afterward, I would have. I wasn’t the one on display, usually. I chose not to stand on stage. I stayed in the background because it was safe there. Because I wasn’t the guy who wanted all the attention in a room on me. And I wasn’t sure what it was about the idea of Nick and me together that made everyone stop in their tracks.

  Ava came to my rescue. “Give the guy a break. He can fuck whoever he wants.”

  Okay, so, not exactly coming to my rescue, but I appreciated the sentiment.

  “Jesus fuck, Ava.” Tuck turned to her and laughed. “Does your girl know you talk like that?”

  She sniffed and raised her chin. “My girl likes my mouth just fine, thank you very much.” She flicked her gaze to me, and her expression softened. “Leave him alone. Let him have his thing. He deserves it.”

  Tuck had the grace to blush at that, and Bellamy carefully turned away, so there wasn’t quite as much attention on me anymore. “Of course he does,” Tuck said. He was staring at me again. “Just . . . I didn’t know you were into dating, man.”

  I gave a half shrug. Going for casual and nonchalant and probably coming nowhere close. “I’m not.”

  “Oh.”

  I knew it didn’t make any sense, even as the words were coming out of my mouth. “Yeah. Nick is . . .” I sighed, long and slow. It was like somewhere between the time I’d seen Joshua come pelting down that hallway and the time those last words slipped out of my mouth, all my defenses had crumbled or been pushed aside. In the gentlest, most caring way. And I was standing in front of my friends like I had to explain myself—not because they were angry or disappointed with me, but because they were happy for me. That made it almost worse somehow, made me feel more vulnerable and raw. “I like him.”

  It hit me, each time I said it or thought it, that it was more and more true. Frighteningly, obviously true.

  The more I thought about it, the happier I was that I’d asked Nick out. That he’d kissed me. That we weren’t awkwardly skirting around having once been together. I wanted him. There wasn’t any way I could deny that to myself. If he’d only let me have him for this time, while we were all here, I’d live with that.

  Bellamy chimed in this time. “As long as it’s making you happy. As long as it’s what you want.”

  I nodded. He sounded so sincere. But they all seemed surprised too. I wondered then how much I let myself fade into the background. Not that I didn’t think they saw me. I knew that they did, that they considered me a friend, that they cared about me.

  I only gave them the pieces of me they needed, though. The pieces they could count on, the pieces that cared for them, the pieces that made up the guy who was always there, always offering support, always ready to lend a hand or an ear. I wondered if I made it easy for them to forget that I was more than that, that I was a person who got confused and lost and scared the same way they did.

  Maybe I wanted it that way too. Maybe I didn’t want them to see any other sides to me. Maybe I wanted to hide those pieces of me that were vulnerable and tender and uncertain. Maybe I wanted to stay that slight bit separate, so I’d be safer. I wondered if that was one more way I’d messed up at being a friend, at caring for people. It was possible, I was starting to see, had started to see since Eric died, that all the things I’d thought I was the best at—caring for people, being a friend, being loyal—I maybe wasn’t very good at after all. That maybe that was all a lie.

  I wondered if maybe I had done too good a job of hiding those vulnerabilities. And now I was suddenly human in their eyes again.

  And if it was a lie, if I really wasn’t good at caring for people—and at this point, I was pretty sure I wasn’t—then I didn’t know what business I had being with Nicky. Not when he had Josh, and I didn’t want to mess anything up there. Not when I’d already hurt Nick so badly without intending to. We’d only been together for such a short time then, and it had gone so wrong. And now I had even less to offer him than I had before. I couldn’t care for anyone well. Certainly, I wasn’t in any place to be making claims about being able to care for a
lover.

  Half of me wanted to go running after Nick right now, blurt it all out, and tell him we had to stop. That I couldn’t do this. Because even being friends with benefits for a week or two seemed too dangerous. It seemed like asking to get hurt, leaving all that room open for me to disappoint Nicky. But I couldn’t make myself. The promise of getting to spend time with him—whether that time was in the studio, or in bed, or hanging out with him and his kid—was a warm spot of light inside me. I didn’t want to get rid of it. I was afraid it would self-destruct, burst into flames and burn me, that this was all wrong in every way. But I couldn’t make myself take it back.

  Ben broke the weird tension, the awkwardness that had descended on us, by clapping his hands softly. “Maybe we can go back through that change from chorus to verse one more time?” The band nodded, already drifting back into the music, and I went to my seat on the couch at the other side of the room again.

  A half hour later, Nicky appeared at the door and waved at me until he caught my eye.

  I waved at the band then, and Tuck gave me a cheeky thumbs-up. Then I went out into the hall and stood in front of Nick and Josh.

  Nick was still grinning, wider than I’d ever seen him. He was flushed—not blushing this time, but like he’d been running. I figured it was keeping up with Joshua that had done it. Josh was quiet now, though. Maybe he’d talked himself out with the members of Rest in Peach. He was staring up at me, like he was waiting for me to do or say something. I tried out a smile.

  “How’s it going?” I asked him and Nicky at the same time, so it wasn’t like I was actually directing the question anywhere in particular.

  “Really good, I think,” Nick answered, and glanced down at his son. “He was really into all the buttons and stuff. And he likes to sit at my drum kit.”

  I wasn’t someone who found kids cute. I’d always figured it was some personality defect in me, because everyone was supposed to think kids were cute. But they were . . . round and unpredictable and sort of unformed in a way that was nerve-racking. Especially at this age, when they were so . . . little. But I also had to admit that the idea of Josh sitting at Nick’s kit, with Nick standing behind him, beaming, made my heart do a funny jumpy-squeezy thing in my chest.

  “Do you have any plans?” I asked. “For the afternoon?” Maybe they wanted to go out and do something exciting.

  Nick shrugged. “Visiting the studio was the exciting part of Josh’s weekend. Otherwise, this is just normal for us.” He brushed his hand over the top of Josh’s head. “We’re going out for lunch, if you want to join us?”

  I nodded, and we left the studio together. Nick drove us to a super-casual family-style restaurant. Joshua was restless from the minute we got inside, and I was pretty sure that most of the time he’d much rather be running around, terrorizing everyone in the place. Nick took it in stride, though, promising him we’d go somewhere to play later. He coaxed him with French fries, and Josh sat and ate, stuffing them in his mouth with distracted abandon.

  I glanced around the restaurant and wondered what everyone who saw us thought of us. Nick with his lean build; his strong arms and colorful tattoos displayed by one of the slightly baggy tank tops he wore while he drummed; the thin, smudged traces of eyeliner around his eyelids. Me with my jewelry and my scruff, my curiously skinny jeans on my not-quite-skinny body. And Josh, chattering away to both of us. Did people think Nick and I were a couple? That Josh was our son? Did they wonder how it was that two guys who were as rock grunge as us ended up with a kid? Did they recognize Nick? We looked just different enough from everyone else in the place that we stood out. Were they sneaking glances and trying to figure out who we were, like I was sneaking looks at them, trying to figure out what they thought of me? Or, since this was LA, did no one care in the slightest?

  Or did they wonder how someone like me ended up with Nick? Did they notice how awkward I was, with Joshua in particular? I didn’t really know how to talk to him or get him what he needed. Didn’t know how to make him laugh, or how to get him to settle down like Nick did. I didn’t know how to take care of him.

  I was awkward with Nick too, in some ways. I didn’t know where we stood with each other—didn’t actually want to know, because that would mean too many questions with uncertain answers. I wasn’t sure whether I could let myself feel comfortable with him, could let myself touch him. I read too much into every glance he gave me. I scooted my chair next to his, then worried I was sitting too close.

  He was centered on Josh, making sure Josh was getting what he needed, taking care of him in every way. But every now and then, he flicked his gaze over to me and gave me a small, private smile. Or he let his fingers run across the back of my hand. Or he pressed his ankle against mine under the table.

  I was in over my head and I knew it, and probably everyone near us could see it, plain on my face, in the way I held myself. I wanted this—what Josh and Nicky had, this ease between the two of them. This safety in the presence of the other. And I didn’t know how to be the kind of person who reached out for that anymore. I didn’t know how to be someone who could offer that in turn.

  I switched my focus back to Nick and Joshua, his chubby fingers all covered in ketchup. I told myself to stop thinking, to be present. Josh was talking again, rambling on and on about—I thought, when I could make out the words—a book with puppies in it. And everything the puppies did. And the sounds they made. And something about pigs, but maybe I got that mixed up. It was hard to tell, because he zipped from one subject to the next without pause or thought, a true stream of consciousness.

  “Chew with your mouth closed,” Nick reminded him, leaning over to wipe crumbs away. “Wait until you swallow before you talk.”

  Josh gave him what was nearly a toddler eye roll, and I laughed. It was pretty gross. But I found myself fascinated by Josh. I was already exhausted, but there was something almost energizing about being with him too.

  Every time I’d ever heard anyone talk about kids, they’d used the word innocence. And there was definitely an innocence to Josh. A complete unawareness of exactly how the world worked, of all the things that could go wrong. His world, instead, was this moment, and maybe the next few, and that was all. His world was his dad sitting next to him and, for right now, me. But I wasn’t sure if it was the innocence of his childhood that struck me and drew me to him. Maybe it was the possibility in him. Not the possibility in any kid, but in him, in Joshua.

  It was stupid of me, but I hadn’t realized kids had such personalities already. I’d thought they were kind of . . . half-formed blobs of people. But Josh was a person. He had ideas and wants and things he liked, and things he found funny, and things that made him glare at Nick. When he wasn’t looking adoringly at Nick, that is, because Josh had people he loved too. And he was, obviously and deeply, loved in return. The idea that all of that was already there, that this person had so much possible time stretching out in front of him, that he could make of it whatever he pleased, was wonderful to me. Frightening, because I already liked him, and I knew what life could do to a person. But wonderful. Endless possibilities for this personality, for this person.

  And when I was wrapped up in Josh and Nick, when my focus went back to them, I couldn’t take it away again. So I didn’t care, after all, what anyone else thought of us. It didn’t matter.

  By the time we left the restaurant, it was quickly heading toward afternoon.

  “I promised him time at the park,” Nick said as we walked to the car. “But you don’t have to come.” He glanced down at Josh, smiling fondly at him. “I know he’s wearing.”

  I hesitated, then asked, “Would you mind? I’d like to.” It was true. Josh was a lot, especially since I wasn’t used to kids. But I liked being with him. And I really liked being with Nicky.

  Nicky grinned at me. “Not at all. There’s a place near my house. He’ll be totally done afterward, so it’s probably a good idea.”

  The park, I saw when we got the
re, was small, but it had everything a kid could want—grassy spaces, a sandbox, swings, and a slide. We had to park down the street, and Josh bounced along beside us excitedly as we walked, his hand firmly wrapped in Nick’s.

  Josh headed straight for the swings as soon as Nick let go of his hand, and Nick himself went to push him for a while. I sat on a bench and watched them. It should have been boring, but it wasn’t. I liked seeing them together. I honestly hadn’t had any idea of how I’d feel, seeing Nick with his kid. With a kid who wasn’t . . . who didn’t have anything to do with me. Who belonged to Nick and another person, a woman I’d never met and had barely heard about. It had been such a surprise when he’d told me, it had seemed almost too large to take in. To understand what it meant, in all those different ways. To him and to me. I’d actually tried not to think about it too much. But the night before it had hit me—it was Nicky, the man I’d basically fucked in an alley, the drummer with the huge, goofy smile and the brownest, sweetest, deepest eyes I’d ever seen, whose son I’d be meeting. I’d lain in bed last night and wondered if it would make him a different person in my eyes.

  It didn’t. And it did, at the same time. He was different. But not in a way I didn’t recognize. It was as if he was more of himself. When Josh said something and they bantered back and forth, I could see the humor and the happiness in every line of Nick’s body. And when Josh laughed, Nicky laughed back, loud and long, his whole face and body given over to it. When he looked at Josh, whether it was to tell him something or check on him, whether he was glad or exasperated with the little boy, there was this tenderness underneath. This spark in his eyes. This well of emotions that all belonged to Nick. Love in a form I hadn’t really thought to study before. I could have been jealous of it, and honestly, part of me was. No matter what I was or wasn’t to Nick, no matter where we went from here, he would never look at me in quite that way. But, mostly, I thought Josh was lucky.

  After a little bit, Josh decided he was done swinging, and that he should go play in the sand. Nick had brought a small pail filled with toys—plastic trucks and cars, a plastic horse with its tail missing and, I was surprised but pleased to see, a Barbie. He handed this treasure trove over, and Josh went off to play—dutifully staying where we could see him—and Nick sat down next to me.