The Out-of-Sync Child

by Carol Kranowitz

  Finally, he sat down and poured orange juice over his cereal. When I said that wasn’t a good idea, he began to cry. He said, “It was an accident! I didn’t do it on purpose!” Then he poured the rest of the juice on Melissa’s head. On purpose.

  Okay. I kept my temper, because it was time to meet the school bus. But Chip couldn’t find his reading book. It took ten minutes to find it behind the couch. He missed the bus, so I drove him to school. When we got there, we saw a classmate getting out of her car. She had a model of an igloo made of sugar cubes. Then Chip really lost control. He had forgotten about the “Homes around the World” assignment. I felt just awful because I had forgotten, too. Chip hunkered down and refused to get out of the car.

  The girl’s mother waved to me and said, “These special projects take a lot out of me! What a dreadful morning!”

  If she only knew!

  What do we see here? Poor motor coordination. Tactile overresponsivity. Sibling rivalry. Conflict between parents. Anger. Rage. Frustration. Loss of autonomy. Poor self-help skills. Passive aggression. Disorganization. Loss of self-control. Defiance. Helplessness. Despair. Guilt. Inadequacy. Isolation.

  If you have an out-of-sync child, these problems may be all too familiar. The effects of SPD can permeate your lives.

  Is it possible to learn to cope with the emotional fallout? Yes, if you understand your child, if you have support and understanding, and if you educate yourself.

  OTHER EXPERTS’ ADVICE

  Here are parenting techniques from Drs. Ayres, Greenspan, Silver, and Turecki, as well as from other childhood experts. Their ideas may help you develop consistent and positive coping skills. (See Selected Bibliography, p. 330.)

  Pay Attention to Your Child

  Remember that the child’s problem is a physical one. Just as another child with measles can’t help itching, the out-of-sync child can’t help being clumsy or afraid.

  Tune in to the kinds of stimulation that the child avoids or craves.

  Find the best way to reach your child, through his preferred sensory channel. Use a variety of ways to communicate (talking, writing, drawing, gesturing, and demonstrating). Keep your messages simple.

  Identify your child’s temperament, by analyzing traits such as activity level, distractibility, intensity, regularity, sensory threshold, flexibility, and mood.

  Know your child’s strengths and weaknesses. If your child has been diagnosed, study the evaluations carefully. Read everything you can. Get information from teachers and specialists who are familiar with differing abilities and learning styles.

  Set up Floortime, Stanley Greenspan’s term for an unstructured, special play time, at least thirty minutes daily. Sit on the floor and let your child choose and lead the activity. Follow along in the play, paying attention to whatever interests him. Engaging with your child on his terms establishes a warm, trusting attachment, the basis of all future relationships. (See www.icdl.org.)

  Anticipate Responses

  Anticipate emotional crises. Too much stimulation at a birthday party or a crowded mall may trigger a negative response. Be ready to remove the child from sensations that will overwhelm her, before she loses control.

  Help the child learn to notice her increasing intensity and need for space. Give her opportunities to remove herself from the action and to recharge by being alone.

  Develop strategies with your child to cope with negative emotions before they occur. “Let’s lay out your clothes tonight, so in the morning you won’t feel rushed.”

  To diffuse her strong reactions, be prepared to provide soothing activities, such as a bath, story, quiet imaginative play, rocking chair, back rub, or trip to the playground.

  If she is slow to react to sensory stimuli, allow her extra time before responding.

  Empathize

  Identify and empathize with the child’s point of view, motives, and goals to help you understand his behavior, so you will have an easier time changing it.

  Understand the child’s feelings and reflect them back: “It’s hard to sleep when you’re worried about the monster in the closet.” Reflective listening helps him identify and master his emotions.

  Reassure him repeatedly that you understand his difficulties.

  Share your own similar emotions, to show that we all have fears. “I think roller coasters are scary, too,” or “We both get nervous in crowds.”

  Take time to reevaluate your child’s emotions. He may be aggressive because he is afraid, not angry. Respond to the primary emotion, rather than to the defensive behavior.

  Give your child coping skills for regaining self-control. After an emotional storm, provide a quiet space, firm hug, or walk, or appropriate words or actions to use to restore harmony. “Do you need to do something to feel better about what happened?”

  Accentuate the positive. Comment about his abilities, interests, and good behavior. Build his self-concept by reinforcing his growing self-awareness and accomplishments.

  Build on his strengths and help him compensate for his weaknesses. Welcome him to the world; do not excuse him from life.

  Provide Structure

  Establish consistent routines and schedules. Explain daily plans. Give notice of upcoming activities. Avoid surprises.

  Limit transitions as much as possible. Allow time to end one activity before moving on to the next.

  Expect the child to take longer than others to adapt to routines.

  Help your child become organized in his own work. Together, set up schedules and job charts. Eliminate distractions. Provide sufficient space, time, and guidance to complete projects and homework, so he has the satisfaction of doing his work independently.

  Have Realistic Expectations

  Sometimes, your child may function well, and other times, she will resist going to school, spill her milk, and fall. Expect inconsistency. When she stumbles, try to be understanding.

  Break challenges into small pieces. Encourage her to achieve one goal at a time to feel the satisfaction of a series of little successes.

  Remember that you have had years of experience in learning to deal with the world, and that the child has not.

  Discipline

  When the child loses control, avoid punishment. Loss of self-control is scary enough; punishment adds guilt and shame.

  Comment on the child’s negative behavior, not on the child: “Your yelling makes me angry,” rather than “You infuriate me!”

  Help the child find a quiet space, away from sensory overload, as a technique to regain self-control. Let him decide the length of the time-out, if possible.

  Set limits, to make a child feel secure. Pick one battle at a time to help him develop self-control and appropriate behavior.

  Be firm about the limits you set. Show him that his feelings won’t change the outcome; a rule is a rule. “I know you’re mad because you want to play with the puppy, but it is suppertime.”

  Discipline consistently. Use gestures and empathy to explain why you are disciplining him. (Discipline means to teach or instruct, not punish.) After you tell him what you are going to do, then do it.

  Determine appropriate consequences for misbehavior. A natural consequence is best, because it is reasonable, factual, and you don’t impose it: “If you skip breakfast, you will be hungry.” A logical consequence, in which the child is responsible for the outcome of his behavior, is second best: “If you throw food, you must mop it up.” An applied consequence, in which the punishment doesn’t exactly fit the crime, is useful when nothing else works: “If you spit on the baby, you may not play with your friends,” or “If you hit me, you may not watch TV.”

  Reward appropriate behavior with approval.

  Problem-Solve

  Set up problem-solving time to discuss problems, negotiate differences, and arrive at solutions with your child. Elevating his problem-solving ability helps him anticipate challenges, take responsibility, cope with his feelings, become a logical and flexible thinker, and learn to c
ompromise. “What else can you do when you’re angry besides throwing toys? Can you say, ‘I don’t like that!’ and jump up and down?”

  Ask him for advice on how you can help him.

  Help your child find appropriate outlets for emotions. Let her know when she can scream, where she can let loose, and what she can punch. Teach her that some negative expressions are acceptable and safe, while others are inappropriate.

  When the child’s intense emotions overwhelm you, first get control of your own feelings. You will show that strong emotions are a fact of life; everyone must learn to cope, and he, too, can learn to calm himself.

  Have fun together. Life does not need to be serious all the time.

  If necessary, seek extra support to help with the “ripple effect” of your hard-to-raise child. Professionals can help you improve family life and relations with relatives, peers, and others outside your nuclear family.

  To share child-rearing concerns and connect with others, see www.SPDsupport.org and www.SPDFoundation.net.

  Become Your Child’s Advocate

  Educate adults who need to know about your child’s abilities. Because SPD is invisible, people may forget or disbelieve that a significant problem affects your child. Your job is to inform them, so they can help your child learn.

  Monitor your child’s classroom and group activities. If you see that a teacher or coach is insensitive, uncooperative, or too demanding, take action.

  Intervene when the child can’t handle a stressful situation alone. Reinforce the message that asking for help is a positive coping strategy, not an admission of failure.

  DOS AND DON’TS FOR COPING

  Here are my suggestions for dealing with the out-of-sync child on a daily basis.

  Please Do…

  Do build on the child’s strengths: “You are such a good cook! Help me remember what we need for our meat loaf recipe. Then, you can mix it.” Or, “You have energy to spare. Could you run over to Mrs. Johnson’s house and get a magazine she has for me?” Think “ability,” not “disability.”

  Do build on the child’s interests: “Your collection of rocks is growing fast. Let’s read some books about rocks. We can make a list of the different kinds you have found.” Your interest and support will encourage the child to learn more and do more.

  Do suggest small, manageable goals to strengthen your child’s abilities: “How about if you walk with me just as far as the mailbox? You can drop the letter in. Then I’ll carry you piggy-back, all the way home.” Or, “You can take just one dish at a time to clear the table. We aren’t in a hurry.”

  Do encourage self-help skills: To avoid “learned helplessness,” sponsor your child’s independence. “I know it’s hard to tie your shoes, but each time you do it, it will get easier.” Stress how capable she is, and how much faith you have in her, to build her self-esteem and autonomy. Show her you have expectations that she can help herself.

  Do let your child engage in appropriate self-therapy: If your child craves spinning, let him spin on the tire swing as long as he wants. If he likes to jump on the bed, get him a trampoline, or put a mattress on the floor. If he likes to hang upside down, install a chinning bar in his bedroom doorway. If he insists on wearing boots every day, let him wear boots. If he frequently puts inedible objects into his mouth, give him chewing gum. If he can’t sit still, give him opportunities to move and balance, such as sitting on a beach ball while he listens to music or a story. He will seek sensations that nourish his hungry brain, so help him find safe ways to do so.

  Do offer new sensory experiences: “This lavender soap is lovely. Want to smell it?” Or, “Turnips crunch like apples but taste different. Want a bite?”

  Do touch your child, in ways that the child can tolerate and enjoy: “I’ll rub your back with this sponge. Hard or gently?” Or, “Do you know what three hand squeezes mean, like this? I-Love-You!”

  Do encourage movement: “Let’s swing our arms to the beat of this music. I always feel better when I stretch, don’t you?” Movement always improves sensory processing.

  Do encourage the child to try a new movement experience: “If you’re interested in that swing, I’ll help you get on.” Children with dyspraxia may enjoy new movement experiences but need help figuring out how to initiate them.

  Do offer your physical and emotional support: “I’m interested in that swing. Want to try it with me? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll swing together.” The child who is fearful of movement may agree to swing at the playground if he has the security of a loving lap. (Stop if he resists.)

  Do allow your child to experience unhappiness, frustration, or anger: “Wow, it really hurts when you don’t get picked for the team.” Acknowledging his feelings allows him to deal with them, whereas rushing in to make it better every time he’s hurt prevents him from learning to cope with negative emotions.

  Do provide appropriate outlets for negative emotions: Make it possible to vent pent-up feelings. Give her a ball or a bucketful of wet sponges to hurl against the fence. Designate a “screaming space” (her room, the basement, or garage) where she can go to pound her chest and shout.

  Do reinforce what is good about your child’s feelings and actions, even when something goes wrong: “You didn’t mean for the egg to miss the bowl. Cracking eggs takes practice. I’m glad you want to learn. Try again.” Help her assess her experience positively by talking over what she did right and what she may do better the next time. How wonderful to hear that an adult is sympathetic, rather than judgmental!

  Do praise: “I noticed that you fed and walked the dog. Thanks for being so responsible.” Reward the child for goodness, empathy, and being mindful of the needs of others. “You are a wonderful friend,” or “You make animals feel safe.”

  Do give the child a sense of control: “If you choose bed now, we’ll have time for a long story. If you choose to play longer, we won’t have time for a story. You decide.” Or, “I’m ready to go to the shoe store whenever you are. Tell me when you’re ready to leave.” Impress on the child that others don’t have to make every decision that affects him.

  Do set reasonable limits: To become civilized, every child needs limits. “It’s okay to be angry but not okay to hurt someone. We do not pinch.”

  Do recall how you behaved as a child: Maybe your child is just like you once were. (The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!) Ask yourself what you would have liked to make your childhood easier and more pleasurable. More trips to the playground, free time, or cuddling? Fewer demands? Lower expectations? Try saying, “When I was a kid and life got rough, I liked to climb trees. How about you?”

  Do respect your child’s needs, even if they seem unusual: “You sure do like a tight tuck-in! There, now you’re as snug as a bug in a rug.” Or, “I’ll stand in front of you while we’re on the escalator. I won’t let you fall.”

  Do respect your child’s fears, even if they seem senseless: “I see that your ball bounced near those big kids. I’ll go with you. Let’s hold hands.” Your reassurances will help her trust others.

  Do say “I love you”: Assure your child that you accept and value who she is. You cannot say “I love you” too often!

  Do follow your instincts: Your instincts will tell you that everyone needs to touch and be touchable, to move and be movable. If your child’s responses seem atypical, ask questions, get information, and follow up with appropriate action.

  Do listen when others express concerns: When teachers or caregivers suggest that your child’s behavior is unusual, you may react with denial or anger. But remember that they see your child away from home, among many other children. Their perspective is worth considering.

  Do educate yourself about typical child development: Read. Take parent education classes. Learn about invariable stages of human development, as well as variable temperaments and learning styles. It’s comforting to know that a wide variety of behaviors falls within the normal range. Then, you’ll find it easier to differentiate
between typical and atypical behavior. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and a six-year-old is just a six-year-old!

  Do seek professional help: SPD is a problem that a child can’t overcome alone. Parents and teachers can’t “cure” a child, just as a child can’t cure himself. Early intervention is crucial.

  Do keep your cool: When your child drives you crazy, collect your thoughts before responding, especially if you are angry, upset, or unpleasantly surprised. A child who is out of control needs the calm reassurance of someone who is in control. She needs a grown-up.

  Do take care of yourself: When you’re having a hard day, take a break! Hire a babysitter and go for a walk, read a book, take a bath, dine out, make love. Nobody can be expected to give another person undivided attention, and still cope.

  Please Don’t…

  Don’t try to persuade your child that he will outgrow his difficulties: “One day you’ll climb Mt. Everest!” Growing older does not always mean growing stronger, or more agile, or more sociable. For children with SPD, growing older often means inventing new ways to avoid everyday experiences.

  Don’t tell your child she is bound to get stronger, better organized, or more in control, if she applies herself: “You can do better if you’ll just try!” The child is trying.

  Don’t joke: “Why are you so tired? Did you just run a four-minute mile, ha ha?” Being tired is not a laughing matter to the child. Jokes make him feel laughed at and produce self-defeating anger and humiliation.

  Don’t plead: “Do it for Mommy. If you loved me, you’d sit up like a nice young lady.” Your child does love you and yearns to please you, but she can’t. Besides, she would sit up straight if she could, for her own sake, even if she didn’t love you!