All I Ever Wanted: Of Love and Madness, Book Three

by Cimms, Karen

  But he meant what he’d said. He’d often caught Billy showing the twins Kate’s picture and telling them stories about their Nonna, telling them how much she loved them. No way had that man given up.

  But still, a year was a long time.

  He rocked Rhiannon until the little gasps had faded away.

  “You okay now?”

  She dug in her purse for a tissue. “I guess I’m as good as I’m gonna be.”

  “That’s pretty amazing, as far as I’m concerned.”

  She laughed and gave him a gentle shove. “All right, let’s not push it.”

  He climbed back in on his side and buckled up. “We should be there in a few minutes. Are you ready, or do you want me to drive around a little?”

  “Nah, let’s just get it over with.”

  Chapter Fifty-Six

  Billy paced in front of the dining room window. His nerves were getting the best of him. It could all go to shit today. Then what?

  Devin sat at the table, his long legs stretched out in front of him. Kate was already waiting at Harold’s with Charlie.

  “It’s Rhiannon, Dad,” Devin said calmly. “She’s gonna freak, but then she’ll get over it.”

  Billy frowned. “I don’t want her to freak out at all.”

  “Yeah, well, good luck with that.”

  A black minivan made its way to the end of the street and turned into the driveway. Billy gave himself a few seconds to calm his nerves, then he plastered on a smile and followed Devin outside to greet them.

  “Daddy, this is beautiful,” Rhiannon said as she hopped out of the car and surveyed the expansive lawn rolling down to the ocean. “How’d you find this place?”

  “Like it?” He ignored the question and reached into the back seat to unbuckle Dayton. Or Dalton. He still couldn’t tell one from the other.

  “I love it. Doesn’t look very big, though. Is there enough room for all of us?”

  “It’s a lot bigger than it looks. We’re going to put you downstairs. You’ll see.”

  Her head snapped toward him. “We?”

  “Devin and I have rooms upstairs, and you, Doug, and the boys can have the whole downstairs.” He amped up his smile. “There’s a big-screen TV down there.”

  “Nice save,” Devin said, taking the sleeping child from his arms.

  “Shut up,” he mumbled under his breath, shooting his son a warning glance.

  Rhiannon paused halfway up the steps, her head cocked. “Listen to that. Somebody’s dog is freaking out. I can hear him all the way over here.”

  “Just wait,” Devin assured her. “You think that’s freaking out. You have no idea.”

  Billy had never been one to discipline the kids. That had been Kate’s job, but one more word out of Devin, and he’d make up for lost time. Hopefully, the look he gave his son conveyed that message.

  After Rhiannon had changed the boys and put them down to finish their naps in the rented cribs downstairs, Billy gave them an abbreviated tour, excluding the room he and Kate were using, the master bedroom, and the unfinished music room. He finished by leading them into the kitchen and stirring up a Manhattan for Doug and a Cosmo for Rhiannon.

  “Daddy,” she scolded, “you shouldn’t have alcohol in the house. You didn’t need to do this for us.” In spite of her objections, she downed a healthy swallow.

  “Thanks,” Doug said, sinking into the leather armchair. “Just what the doctor ordered.”

  Maybe he should mix up a pitcher of each, just in case.

  Rhiannon curled up on the love seat near the fireplace. “I can’t get over how nice this is for a rental. It’s just spectacular. Look at that view, Doug. Can you imagine getting up every morning and looking at that?”

  “The sunrise is pretty amazing,” Billy assured her, looking out over the cove.

  “When did you get here, Daddy?”

  “I was on the road until Sunday,” he answered truthfully. Before she could ask anything else, he added, “I’m flying to New Mexico Tuesday morning.”

  From the dining room, Devin gave him a nod. Kate was on her way.

  “I have some cheese and stuff,” he said. “Let me get it.”

  “I’ll help you,” Rhiannon offered, setting down her drink.

  “No!” Billy and Devin cried out at the same time.

  “Jeez!” She sat back, startled.

  Billy waved her off. “You must be tired, sweetheart. Devin, you keep everyone entertained while I get the snacks.”

  “Sure.” Devin pulled a chair over from the dining room. “So. A priest, a rabbi, and a Native American walk into a bar . . .”

  Billy was too nervous to get annoyed. He patted his son on the shoulder and left the room. From the kitchen window, he could see Kate trudging across the lawn. When he opened the front door, she looked pale, and her eyes were wide and fearful.

  “Breathe,” he whispered.

  She sucked in a lungful of air, then slowly exhaled.

  He had no idea how this was going to go, but it was too late to rethink it now. He was almost afraid to look at her for fear that if she saw him getting emotional, she’d be right behind him.

  “C’mon. It’ll be okay.” He pressed his lips to the top of her head, then led her through the kitchen and into the dining room, where they stood quietly, his arm around her shoulder.

  It was Doug who saw her first. “Oh my god.” He leaned forward and set his drink on the coffee table. Then he stood.

  Devin stood as well and gave his mother a thumbs-up. Rhiannon had her back to them as she looked over the collection of books in one of the enclosed bookcases.

  “Rhiannon,” Doug said, softly. “Honey.”

  She turned toward him, her eyebrows raised. When she saw her mother, she froze. Her mouth opened, but nothing came out. She closed it and looked at Doug again.

  Sensing her distress, he moved across the room and put his arm around her. “Look, babe.”

  Rhiannon blinked several times. Her eyes traveled to Devin, and when she realized that he didn’t seem as shocked as she and Doug were, something snapped into place.

  “You knew!”

  Devin leaned back as if she’d struck him.

  “You knew!” Rhiannon cried, louder.

  “So!”

  Billy cringed. That was clearly not the right thing to say.

  “Oh my god!” She whirled toward Doug. “Did you know?”

  He looked stunned. “Of course not!”

  “Did you all think this would be funny?”

  “Jesus Christ, Ree,” Devin said. “Nobody was trying to pull anything over on you.”

  “Easy for you to say, Golden Boy.”

  “Rhiannon,” Billy began.

  She jabbed a finger at him. “You’re the last one who should say anything. Next to her, of course!” She pointed at Kate.

  “Sweetheart,” Kate begged.

  “Don’t, Mom!” she cried, holding her palms toward her mother. “Just don’t.”

  Rhiannon stalked out of the room and down the stairs. A few moments later, they heard the door leading to the side yard slam.

  “I’ll go,” Kate said, moving as if through molasses.

  “No, I will.” Billy grabbed his jacket. “Devin, look after your mother.”

  The slamming door had woken the twins, who were now crying. “I’ll go,” Doug said, pausing as he headed for the stairs. “It’ll be okay, Kate. Just give her a little time.”

  Devin flopped backward into a chair. “Well, that went about as well as expected.”

  Billy sighed. “When did you develop such a sharp tongue?”

  “C’mon, Dad. I’ve been biting it for so long I’ve honed it into a nice, sharp point.”

  Chapter Fifty-Seven

  Billy found his daughter standing on the dock. The sun had slipped behind the trees, and the chilled air blowing off the water made it downright cold. He stepped down onto the dock, and it swayed under his weight. Rhiannon lifted her head and, seeing him,
frowned. Other than into the water, she had nowhere to go, although she appeared to be weighing her options. So damn headstrong. He wouldn’t put anything past her.

  He stood beside her, his hands thrust into the pockets of his jeans, and watched a hawk soar above the cove. He could be stubborn too, and if he had to wait her out, he would. And he did, for a little while at least.

  “We thought it best to tell you in person,” he said finally. “We probably shouldn’t have waited this long, but I had to let this happen on your mother’s terms. Just the shock of seeing me and dealing with our shit was a lot for your mother to focus on at first.”

  “What do you mean, ‘shock’? Did you just appear out of thin air?”

  “Kind of. Devin told me she where she was. And as soon as he did, I came.”

  “And how did he know?” The familiar tones of sibling rivalry came through loud and clear, only this time, the stakes were much more painful.

  “She called him.” He could see she was trying not to cry. “Near the end of August.”

  “August?” She gaped up at him. “You’ve known since August?”

  “No. He came to see her before he went back to school, but she made him promise not to tell anyone. She also promised him she would contact you as soon as she could face you, so don’t be mad at him. He was just doing what she asked.” He spoke faster, hoping to stem any tantrum or meltdown that might be brewing. “I know you’re mad at your mother—and I’m sure me too—but she’s been afraid to face you. She’s afraid you won’t forgive her.”

  He moved closer. The look she threw him warned him to stay back.

  “Your mother loves you, Rhiannon. Believe that or not, she does. I shouldn’t have to remind you that she’s been through hell. But she’s fought her way back. More than anyone, you know how close we came to losing her.”

  He stared at a leaf floating on the calm surface of the water until he could trust his voice not to break. “She did what she had to do to survive, baby. We can’t fault her for that. She believed the only way she could get better was to go away. She meant to leave me permanently, but that was never her intention as far as you and Devin were concerned.”

  “Why did Devin tell you if he promised not to?”

  “I’m not sure. I think he believed we were ready to face each other. I blew up at him for not telling me sooner, but I apologized. I’m still mending fences, baby girl. I hope I don’t have to start mending them with you too.”

  Judging by the set of her jaw, he just might.

  “You found out last month, right? When you came up on the bike.”

  “Yep. As soon as Devin told me, I came. I didn’t even pack.”

  “I guess it worked out. You’re still here.”

  “Yeah, but we’ve been working hard. I wasn’t always a good husband, Rhiannon. I love your mother, but I never deserved her, probably never will. I’ve just been lucky that she loves me as much as she does and that she’s willing to forgive me.”

  “Forgive you?” She rolled her eyes. “For what? You didn’t do anything. She ran off and left you—left all of us. I don’t think you’re the one who needs to be forgiven.”

  He looped an arm around her and drew her closer. “You know, baby girl, you have me on a pedestal I don’t deserve. You want to know what a good husband looks like? He’s up there”—he pointed toward the house—“taking care of his boys and loving his wife. Eating her cooking with hardly a complaint. And honestly, sweetheart, if that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.”

  A glimmer of a smile appeared in her eyes, but the frown remained.

  “He works his ass off,” Billy continued, “and he’s patient. He thinks of you and the boys above everything else. You’re a lucky young woman. I hope you realize that.”

  “And you’re a great dad,” she said, leaning in and wrapping her arms around his waist.

  “I’m flattered, but you’re wrong.” He kissed the top of her head. “But maybe someday. I’m working on it.”

  * * *

  Kate watched them from the shore, praying for the right words to find their way to her lips. This was the moment she had looked forward to and dreaded for weeks. Rhiannon’s voice had risen a few times as Kate had picked her way down the hill, but now that she was closer, she could no longer make out she and Billy were saying.

  Billy spotted her standing just beyond the ramp and winked. He leaned down, said something to Rhiannon, and led her to a pair of Adirondack chairs near the boathouse that had yet to be stowed for the winter. Rhiannon dropped into the first chair, folded her arms tightly across her chest, crossed her legs, and angled herself toward the water and away from Kate.

  Kate walked resolutely down to the boathouse. Billy ran his hand along her arm and gave her a lingering squeeze as he passed, then headed up the path, leaving them alone. She gave herself a few seconds to gather her courage and sat in the chair beside her daughter.

  The silence was colder than the breeze off the water.

  “Are you cold?” A lame question, given everything unsaid between them, but a legitimate one.

  “No.”

  Kate shivered, not sure if it was from the air or her daughter’s sharp retort. Other than the lapping of the water and the occasional cry of a seagull, the shoreline was quiet—peaceful even, if not for the tension and anger hanging in the air.

  After she summoned every ounce of strength she possessed, she spoke again. “Thank you.”

  Rhiannon didn’t respond, but the frantic back-and-forth swing of her leg slowed.

  “You saved my life.”

  The swinging stopped.

  “I didn’t understand that at first, but you did. If you hadn’t found me and called 911 . . . I don’t think I’d be here.”

  Still refusing to look at her, Rhiannon stared out over the water, her body tense, bristling with nervous energy. Kate pushed on.

  “I’m sorry I left the way I did. But it was the only thing that made sense at the time. Running away was the only way I knew to survive.”

  Obviously, Rhiannon could hear her, but was she even listening?

  “It was selfish, and I’m sorry for hurting you all, but I had to do it. I needed to focus on myself. I knew you’d be okay. I just didn’t realize it would take me so long to recover—I’m still recovering, actually. But you helped me take the first step. You and Joey.”

  Rhiannon glanced at her. “Joey?”

  Kate peeled a strip of chipped paint off her chair. “He came to me in a dream—or maybe it was a drunken stupor. This is hard for me to say, and it might be hard for you to hear, but I believed I had no right to live when so many people had died. I believed the shooting was my fault. In that state of mind, I had it all planned out . . .”

  This was ridiculous. How could she tell her own child that she wanted to die?

  The grimace that crossed Rhiannon’s lovely features told Kate she already knew.

  “Joey told me it wasn’t my time and it wasn’t my fault,” she said.

  Rhiannon twisted her multi-carat diamond engagement and wedding rings on her perfectly manicured finger.

  “Then he gave me—” No, that wasn’t right. It was a dream. Joey hadn’t really given her anything, no matter how real it had seemed. “Anyway, the next thing I knew, I heard you calling. I guess that’s when you found me.”

  “I guess.”

  She touched Rhiannon’s arm but pulled back when she flinched. It hurt as much as if Rhiannon had slapped her. “I’m sorry you had to find me that way, but I’m not sorry you found me.”

  It took a little while for Rhiannon to speak, but when she did, she didn’t hold back.

  “Why’d you cut me off? You wouldn’t even let me visit at the hospital. Do you know how embarrassing that was to show up the next day and be told you wouldn’t see me?” The hurt in her voice shifted into anger. “How would you’ve felt if your mother had done that to you? Just cut you off as if you didn’t matter?”

  Kate’s mouth went dry. T
he thought that she might have hurt her children as much as her mother had hurt her was staggering.

  “Yeah, I didn’t think so.” Rhiannon pushed herself from the chair and glared down at Kate. “And then to make it worse, after all this time, you still can’t be bothered with me. You called Devin. Okay, I get it. He was always the favorite. But a couple of days, a week or two later, you still couldn’t be bothered to tell me you were even alive. Here you and Dad are shacking up, and fuck me, I’m still wondering if my mother’s sitting in some institution drooling all over herself. I guess it didn’t occur to either of you to bother telling me, as long as Golden Boy knew. That’s all that matters!”

  Kate shook her head. “I thought it would be easier this way.”

  “For who?” Rhiannon yelled. “You? It sure as hell wasn’t easier for me!”

  Rhiannon started toward the path. Kate jumped up and reached for her, but Rhiannon stepped aside before she could touch her.

  “Don’t!” She raised her hands. “Leave me alone. You’re good at that. Just keep doing what you’ve been doing.”

  She disappeared up the path toward the house.

  Kate slumped into the chair. Up the hill, a door slammed. She heard shouting. Rhiannon and Devin, most likely. She should go after her, but she couldn’t bring herself to stand up. The sun had dropped, leaving her completely in the shadows. Where she should have stayed.

  A squirrel chattered angrily and darted over the roof of the boathouse. The crack of dead branches signaled someone coming down the path. Billy dropped into the empty chair beside her.

  “I’m sorry.” She wiped a tear from her cheek with the back of her hand. “We should’ve told her sooner.”

  “No.” He held out his hand. “We needed to work on us first. That was most important. Those two up there . . .” He pointed overhead toward the house, where loud voices could still be heard. “They’re adults. They’ll survive, and they’ll forgive us—eventually. You and me, we’re the priority here. We did what we needed to do. I’m not sorry.”

  Kate clasped his hand. “I expect to hear glass breaking any second.”