“I would love that, it would be great to get out in the saddle again. Let me know when and where and I’ll be there,” I replied with a new hope that I was being accepted again.
The rest of lunch the Harris family discussed herd movement and pasture maintenance; with over a thousand head of cattle, everything had to be managed perfectly. I was astounded at the amount of knowledge they had, they seemed to really care about the health of their animals and their land.
This made my life in the city seem so phony all of a sudden. I had been so proud of buying organic and going to the local Farmers Market on the weekends, all of it without a single thought to the people who actually worked the land.
Wednesday morning found me seated at the breakfast table, Mom had gotten up early to bake fresh cinnamon buns, and I was already on number two. I was answering questions about my job and listening to small details about life at Dad’s store. It was nice, it was familiar.
“Have you seen Ryder at all?” Mom finally got around to asking.
“He comes home for lunch,” I replied quietly.
“How has it been? I know you’ve been wanting to see him,” Mom said
“I have not!” I looked at Mom’s sceptical face and said, “Okay, maybe I’ve been wanting to run into him. I’ve been concerned about how he’d treat me, if he had ever forgiven me. We never talked after I left, he didn’t call or email me even once, and he always seemed to be out of town when I visited you guys.”
“I guess that’s partially my fault Alex,” Dad said. “I saw him around quite a bit and always told him how you were doing. I even gave him your number; I’m surprised he didn’t call. I know I always let him know when you were going to be in town.”
“So he was avoiding me? I guess that’s expected, I was pretty awful to him,” I replied thoughtfully.
“I thought you were still in contact someway,” Mom said. “I always got the impression he knew about your life.”
“It’s easy enough to find somebody on Facebook. I tried to look his up, but he was locked down like Ft. Knox,” I said. “Speaking of which, why did neither of you ever mention that he became a vet? I think that is so cool, I always thought he’d just become a glorified ranch hand and take over when his dad retired. I had no idea he wanted to go back to school.”
“I didn’t tell you a lot of things about Ryder, sweetie,” Mom said. “You always got so distant and Andrew got really weird whenever I’d bring him up. There also wasn’t a lot to tell beyond small town gossip.”
“I guess I was trying to pretend he didn’t exist. Let’s face it though, I never forgot about him. I mean I haven’t even replied to Andrew once since I’ve been here. I feel like I don’t even know him,” I said.
“If you’re putting all your eggs in the Ryder basket, I’d be careful sweetheart,” Mom told me with a grim look on her face. “He’s got quite the reputation as a heartbreaker. Even when he married Brittany, everybody knew it wouldn’t last. Be careful Alex, he’s not the sweet kid who used to worship you, he’s grown up into kind of a…” Mom hesitated. “Well, kind of a bastard. He leads women on all over the place, then leaves them crying and wondering what happened. Besides, I don’t even know if you’re his type anymore. He seems to only date short blondes these days.”
“I’m not putting eggs in anything mom, I’m just trying to see if I can still be his friend. I feel so guilty about how I left things when I took off. I miss him in my life. If that means just friends, I’m totally fine with it,” I lied, and knew immediately that my parents didn’t buy it any more than I did. Just then my phone buzzed. I pulled it out, looked down and saw the alarm... along with a few new texts from Andrew. I hit ‘ignore’ on the alarm, and ‘delete’ on Andrew’s sad messages.
I got to work right on time and the day progressed quickly again. It was amazing how quickly time progressed when Ryder was on my mind. Before I knew it, I was thinking of the golden hour. Lunchtime.
Without waiting to be called, I made my way onto the patio and marvelled at the gorgeous blue sky, this time of year on the ranch made for some amazing, sweeping views.
I settled in at the table next to Ryder again smiling as I reached for some iced tea. “Where are your parents?” I asked and realized I hadn’t seen either of them for a couple hours.
“They’ve got something going on in town today. Mom left us something to eat though. I brought yours out with mine, I hope you don’t mind,” he said with a small smile.
I surveyed the table; there was an assortment of meat and cheese, with a couple of boiled eggs, a large salad and some fresh looking dinner rolls. “Did you set this all out for us? I’m impressed. Most men would have just grabbed a bun and left me to my own devices.”
“I’m not most men Alex, you should at least remember that,” Ryder said and looked slightly pained.
“I’m sorry Ryder, I didn’t mean it like that, I was making a lame joke,” I said, and realized that he seemed to shut down every time I mentioned anybody else but him, even when it was a simple generalization.
I guess all the anger and jealousy I had when I’d found out about his marriage to Brittany would have gone the other way too. I didn’t even want to think about his anger when he’d found out I lived with a man in the city.
“I’m the one who’s sorry Alex, I didn’t mean to come off like an ass,” he said, sighing deeply. “It’s been a long day so far. I got called out this morning at four and haven’t had time for much since then. I think I need coffee.”
“Oh no, did everything work out ok?” I asked. He nodded and took a drink from the mug in his hand. “I’m sure glad you had time to make it for lunch though,” I added.
“I almost didn’t, but to be honest, I wanted to see you again,” he said, looking almost embarrassed at admitting it.
My heart did that pesky flip-flop thing it seemed to do whenever he looked at me with that intensity.
“I wanted to see you too Ryder,” I replied. “I feel like we’re getting to know each other again.”
“I’m glad we’re talking and such. You left so fast after graduation you kinda left my head spinning. This is good though,” he said and trailed off, seeming at a loss for words. “I still like you Alex, and would be happy if I could count you as a friend again.”
My heart trembled and the world seemed to freeze. Friend? I felt sick, but smiled in agreement and nibbled on some cheese. How would I ever find out if he wanted me as more than a friend?
Maybe Mom was right, and he really was just a womanizer now. I felt a twinge of anger thinking of him chasing anyone else right now, I wanted him to be mine, and mine alone.
I narrowed my eyes and looked at him sideways, determined to make this happen, we were meant to be together, he just had to see it too.
We chatted amicably for the rest of lunch, the time passing quickly until I had to get back to work and Ryder needed to get his clinic. We gave each other a quick, awkward hug and headed on our separate ways.
On Thursday at noon, I found myself alone with Ryder again for the second day in a row. It was pretty obvious Ryder’s parents were scheduling things in town to give us a bit of time alone and I was grateful for it. Ryder and I were finally getting ourselves back into familiar territory.
I was having a great time making him laugh again, the familiar crinkling around his eyes erasing his aloof attitude, but he was still frustratingly friendly.
Things got serious when we finally got around to the topic of my move back. “So why did you decide to come home Alex? The last I heard you were working for an excellent company and living with your boyfriend,” Ryder said unexpectedly.
“Well, where do I start?” I replied, not knowing how much to reveal to him. I exhaled slowly and dove in. “Basically I caught him cheating, I was fired, and he asked me to leave. That’s the long and short of it.”
I decided to keep it short and sweet, the less detail, the better.
“I had no idea, I’m sorry for asking,” he
said, his eyes filling with concern. “What a fucking fool he was, letting you go.”
“That’s what I said,” I replied, raising an eyebrow. “Honestly it was a total shock, but something that had to happen. I had been fooling myself for a long time, trying to convince myself that Andrew and my career were all I wanted. As soon as it was over, I felt relief more than anything else. Since I had nowhere else to go, I came home.”
“And that’s the only reason? You just had nowhere else to go?” he asked with a crooked, sexy smile.
“The only reason I’ll admit to right now, cowboy,” I smiled back at him
Ryder’s phone rang right then, he picked it up and I heard him say he’d be there as soon as he could. Ryder stood up, looked at his watch and told me he had to leave on an emergency call.
He hesitated briefly and turned back to me and asked, “Would you like to come along with me? I’m heading out to Lee’s parents’ place to check on a calf that got into something toxic. I mean, if you’re not too busy that is.”
Without hesitating I jumped up from the table, unable to contain my happiness. “I would love to, I’ll go grab my things.”
I rushed to the house to grab my purse. His parents had gotten home moments before and were unpacking groceries in the kitchen. They were joking easily with each other, I admired their friendly flirtations. “Do you guys mind if I take the afternoon off? Ryder asked me to join him on a call.”
“Go on, have fun,” Sophia said as she stuck her head out the kitchen door with a knowing smile on her face. “Don’t worry about a thing dear, just have fun.”
I blushed and thought I should have tried harder to contain my excitement a little. Had I really been that obvious about my Ryder obsession this entire time?
I told them goodbye and practically danced to the truck. I hopped into the passenger side with more enthusiasm than the last time I’d drunkenly climbed in. I slammed the door and turned to Ryder, he was looking at me with a wide smile on his face. “Are the books really that boring?”
“Oh, no, I just... um, I just wanted to...” My voice trailed off, I was too shy to finish my thoughts.
“Spend some time with me Alex? Is that why you came along?” he asked. When I nodded, he turned to drive with a small, satisfied smile on his face.
I settled back and relaxed, I finally felt like I was getting back where I needed to be.
A sick calf, two new foals, a couple of beaten up sheep dogs, and a few hours later we swung back into the ranch driveway. I was exhausted, but had gained new respect for his work. He was incredible, so kind and gentle and self-assured. I felt a twinge of sadness that I hadn’t been around to watch him grow into this amazing man.
“What are you doing for dinner?” he asked as we got out of the truck.
“I don’t know yet, I hadn’t thought about it,” I replied.
“You feel like grabbing a bite to eat? Say, Smokey’s?” he asked, giving me a sidelong glance.
“I’d love to, but I’m such a mess so I don’t know,” I said.
“You look amazing Alex, and happier than you’ve been since you got back into town,” he said and shooting me another meaningful glance.
“What do you mean?” I asked and stopped walking to look directly at him.
He grinned shyly and I saw a light blush hit his cheeks. “I might have seen you around, here and there,” he admitted.
“You were spying on me?” I replied, hoping I sounded scandalized to deflect from my own lurking.
“Hey, you aren’t so innocent yourself, I saw you in the bushes one morning watching me at the fence,” he chuckled.
It was my turn to blush, I looked down at the ground. “Oh god, you saw me?”
“You don’t think I usually put on that much of a show when I’m repairing a fence, do you?” he chuckled and grabbed my hand, the heat of him traveled up my arm and seemed to wrap itself around my heart, soothing me and making me feel loved. “Listen Alex, I know so much has happened to each of us, there’s no denying we’re different people now, but there’s also no denying that we’re still attracted to each other.”
He pulled me towards him and my heart sped up so fast I was sure he could hear it beating against my chest in a desperate attempt to find him.
“Hey you two, how long have you been back?” Sophia called out as she walked around the corner of the house, basket of gardening tools in her hand.
We broke apart quickly and tried to act as nonchalant as possible. I felt like a teenager again, getting caught making out in his room when we were supposed to be doing homework.
“Hey mom, we just got here. I just wanted to let you know we’re going to head into town and grab a bite,” Ryder told her.
“Sounds like a plan dear, have fun,” Sophia replied, barely suppressing a giggle as she went past us into the house.
“Do you think she bought it?” Ryder grabbed my hand again and led me back to the truck.
“About as much as she did ten years ago,” I replied and let out a laugh.
We picked a booth at the back of the bar, the dim lighting barely casting shadows in our corner. We slid along the bench seats and sat across the table from each other. Ryder took off his hat and set it on the seat next to him. I picked up a menu and pretended to read, all the while sneaking glances at Ryder.
I felt myself getting wet and warm as my eyes traveled up his broad chest to his chiselled jawline and perfect, kissable lips. If my life was ever going to be a romance novel cliché, it needed to include an incredibly hot cowboy. I didn’t think I could have handled a pirate or a count or something like that.
“Do I have hay in my hair or something,” Ryder asked suddenly, running his fingers through his thick, dark hair.
“Uh, no, why?” I replied, flitting my eyes back to my menu with a blush on my cheeks.
“You’ve been staring at me like you’re about to leap across the table and devour me whole,” he chuckled and pretended to look frightened.
“Oh, come on, I don’t bite. I was just wondering what you were going to order. I’ve never actually been here, I left town before I was old enough for the pub,” I replied and did my best to gloss over my obvious desire for him.
I saw a flicker of pain go across his face at the mention of me leaving town. It disappeared quickly though and he said, “Oh yeah, I guess you haven’t had the exciting opportunity to feast on the finest cuisine in five hundred miles.” He leaned across the table and in a conspiratorial tone he said, “I’d recommend getting a burger, darlin’. I think that’s pretty much all they serve.”
I laughed and reached across the table for his hand, he pulled back as my fingers found his. He looked around quickly and then grabbed mine tightly. “I’m sorry Alex, it’s a reflex. I was married for a while, and I still feel kinda guilty about the way I feel when I’m around you.”
“I understand, you’d have to be inhuman to feel nothing at the end of your marriage,” I said. I thought for a moment about Andrew, but he drifted out of my head as I caught myself staring at Ryder’s jawline again.
“What are you folks having tonight?” a bubbly waitress broke in, notepad in hand, pen poised to write. We pulled our hands apart and scanned the menus as if we hadn’t just been touching each other that very moment.
“I think we’ll each have a Smokey’s Special burger, extra onion, hold the fries, and whatever you’ve got on tap to drink,” Ryder said. “Oh, and an extra couple of pickles on the side.”
I was surprised when he ordered for me but nodded in agreement as the waitress looked at me quizzically. She gathered up the menus and walked back across the pub to place the order.
“You remembered the way I like it,” I said, pleased with the thought that I was still in his head.
“Of course,” he smiled and looked at me. “Except the beer part, I just took a wild guess on that one.”
The conversation was light and easy, as it had been all day. The stories of our lives flowed out, each one of us tr
ying to make the other laugh or include them in some missed part of their past.
We avoided talking about our exes, that subject still too raw for Ryder, and too nerve-wracking for me. I wasn’t ready to hear about him and Brittany, I didn’t know if I ever would be.
After dinner, I felt a little tipsy from the couple beers and held onto Ryder’s arm as he helped me into the truck. The more I drank, the taller the truck seemed to get. We started driving home in silence, neither one of us wanting to break the magic of dinner with the reality of what we both wanted to do.
Neither one of us wanted to be the first to admit that we needed one another that night, that we needed to be with each another as desperate as it seemed.
“You know, I don’t have to be home before ten anymore,” I finally spoke. “I’m allowed to stay out as long as I want.”
“Where would you like to go?” he asked, his excitement almost palpable.
“I wish I could take you back to my place, but that would mean watching late night television with my parents,” I laughed.
“Well, we could go back to mine if you’d like. I could light a fire and we could talk about old times,” he said bashfully. “I didn’t plan on company, so you’ll have to ignore the bachelor pad mess though.”
“What do you mean? Won’t your parents be there?” I asked.
“I’m not nineteen anymore, I have my own house,” Ryder laughed. “You thought I was still at Mom and Dad’s?”
“I guess I just assumed, I’m sorry!” I blushed, and laughed at my mistake. It was hard to think of him as a man sometimes, in my head he was still my high school boyfriend, the sweet young man I had left behind.
He turned the truck down the gravel road to the ranch but veered right at a fork a little ways past the driveway to the main house. I’d just assumed that was a road leading to one of the many barns or pastures on the property, I was happy to know that it lead to Ryder’s.
We started to drive up towards the ridge overlooking the main house, we got to the top, turned a sharp corner and I drew in a breath.
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