Cowboy

by Alexandria Hunt

  “Are you going to let the top down?” I asked him, feeling like I needed some fresh air right now.

  “I have to grab something from the glove box first,” he said and leaned over me to reach in. He pulled out a small velvet box and looked at me with a serious look on his face. “Alex, I was going to ask you to marry me. Is there any chance at all? Will you even just consider it? My parents promised to release the rest of my trust fund if I got married, and I can’t think of anyone else I’d like to share it with than you.”

  I sighed and shoved the box away from me. “Andrew, don’t even open that thing. You were my friend first, so I’ll say this as your friend now. You need to move on with your life, find somebody that makes you as happy as Ryder makes me, find somebody you can imagine yourself growing old with, somebody you can’t imagine your life without.”

  At least I finally got the reason he’d wanted to see me so badly; he needed me to access family money. He simply didn’t trust anyone else enough to give them access to his fortune. I sighed once again and wondered how I could have ever been impressed by Andrew and his money.

  He looked genuinely sad, leaned forward and placed the box where it had been. As he pulled up, he grabbed my head with his right hand and dragged my face to his. He had me in a tight grip, his mouth covered mine and I pushed against him as hard as I could.

  He took hold of my jacket with his left hand and held me firmly against him, forcing his tongue into my mouth. He wasn’t that strong, but he had me locked in a tight grip because of his hold on my clothes.

  His breath tasted like the burger he’d had for lunch and I thought of all the times I had willingly parted my mouth and legs for him and a wave of nausea rose up in my throat. I pushed harder and started to gag.

  He pulled back quickly, catching on that I was going to be sick. I opened the door of his car and spilled my lunch in the gutter. My breathing was rapid and I felt light headed.

  “You need to take me back to my mom’s Andrew. I don’t know what the fuck you were thinking, but I hope you get the hint now,” I spat and wiped my mouth with my sleeve and glared at his mock hurt.

  “Fine, message received loud and clear. Apparently humping Cowboy Bob has turned you into a fucking prude. And puking when I kiss you? I would have gotten the hint without that little performance,” he snarled, put the car in gear and hit the gas hard. My head fell back against the seat and I closed my eyes, trying to keep the world from spinning.

  Later that afternoon, after Andrew had said his goodbyes, I laid in my old room and still felt queasy. I chalked it up to nerves and the fact that I didn’t feel good about lying to Ryder. I’d called him earlier, left three messages, but hadn’t heard back.

  If I wasn’t so dizzy I would drive over to his house immediately but I didn’t trust myself to handle a car just then. I worried that he hadn’t called me back, but imagined him falling asleep on the couch after a long day and smiled. I would hopefully hear from him tonight, if not, I would track him down in the morning and let him know that Andrew was gone for good and I understood everything with Brittany.

  I couldn’t wait to tell him everything, and once he got his divorce we could finally move in together officially and start our lives together.

  I thought for a moment we should set Andrew and Brittany up, it would be the perfect revenge on both of them. Smiling at the thought, I settled in and fell asleep, dreaming of my life as Mrs. Ryder Harris.

  Alex

  The next morning bright and early, I tried calling Ryder again. I texted him even though I knew he usually didn’t bother with that, but I was starting to get worried. I called Sophia and had been assured that Ryder was fine, that he had stopped for breakfast on his way to work just that morning. And no, nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

  I felt stronger today, and my nausea had passed, so I hopped in my car to head to Ryder’s place. I was officially thinking of it as our place now that Andrew was finally gone. I couldn’t wait to really move in and share everything with Ryder.

  When I pulled into the driveway I was surprised to see a strange car parked there. It was a silver Chevy pickup truck with a bumper sticker that said, “Silly boys, trucks are for girls.”

  I was immediately enraged and concerned.

  As I walked up to the front door, it opened wide and a gravelly voice said, “Stop right there, sweetheart, Ryder already left for work, and he don’t want you here now that I’m back. He wants his wife.”

  It was Brittany. I looked the woman up and down and was shocked at how much older she appeared. Brittany wore her rough lifestyle on her face in the fine lines and thick skin. Her hair was dyed a crispy bright blonde, it shone almost day glo bright from all the chemicals she had used. Her eyes used to be a lovely soft brown, but now they were watery and bloodshot, each circled by darkened skin, like a bruise instead of late night partying.

  Her nails were a pink nightmare cliché, and her clothing was skin-tight. She had put on weight with the baby, and hadn’t managed to lose it yet. She wasn’t like Lee though, who plumped up into a juicy Renoir cherub, Brittany was more like Dali clock, sagging and misshapen.

  “And who the fuck are you to tell me what Ryder wants?” I blurted out.

  “I told you, I’m his wife! Your little fuck fest is over, bitch. Mrs. Harris is home and Ryder’s not allowed to play anymore. You didn’t think I’d let him get away from me that easily, did you?”

  I tried to push past her, to get into the safety of our home, but Brittany was surprisingly strong, and I was still feeling wobbly from the day before.

  I shoved Brittany again but she hauled off and slapped me, knocking me to the ground. I stumbled and tried to get up but Brittany grabbed my hair and dragged me away from the front door as I cried out in anger and pain.

  “Why don’t you run back to your city boy and leave us alone?” Brittany yelled and gave me one last shove.

  I almost fell back down to the ground, recovered my balance and stood up. I said, “I won’t leave Brittany, I’m going to talk to Ryder and find out what’s going on. You’ll be out on your flabby badly aging ass in no time!”

  “For the last time, get the fuck off our lawn, he don’t want you here either,” Brittany screamed in my face. The smell of sour breath, cigarettes and stale liquor hit me like a ton of bricks and I turned to vomit.

  I couldn’t help myself, I heaved all the way back to my car with Brittany cackling in the background.

  “I’ll pack your shit up and drop it off at your Dad’s store,” Brittany mockingly called after me.

  I barely remembered making it back to my parents’ place. I was sobbing and dry heaving the entire way home, wracking coughs with nothing to bring up.

  The tears flowed so heavily down my face that I could barely see. My nose was so plugged up that I could barely breathe.

  I almost drove straight to Ryder’s clinic to demand an answer, but the humiliation I’d suffered with Andrew and Sylvie made me afraid of the result. What if he wanted me out of his life but didn’t know how to tell me himself? What if he had just been playing me for revenge and him and Brittany got off on using me and humiliating me like that?

  There was no way I was going to play into their sick games, I refused to be humiliated in front of his clinic staff so I went to the only place I knew I’d be safe.

  I collapsed on the couch and Mom hurriedly brought me some mint tea to calm my stomach and nerves. She also brought a cold compress for the bruise that was forming under my left eye from where Brittany had slapped me.

  “Why would he do this to me?” I moaned to Mom through my tears. “I love him so much, how did this happen?”

  Mom didn’t say it, but she had warned me about the kind of man Ryder was now.

  And as if to affirm it, Ryder still wouldn’t return my calls.

  Three days later and I was still was frantic for any news from Ryder. I finally stopped calling his parents; I couldn’t stand the awkward mumblings as they gave excuses a
nd uncomfortable silences. I finally did try to find him at the clinic a few times, but was turned away, told he was on calls but not told where.

  I was too embarrassed to drive back to his house, I couldn’t stand seeing Brittany again, especially if Ryder backed her up. I couldn’t stand the feeling of my heart breaking in front of their mocking eyes.

  I also couldn’t stand going on like this, so I made the decision to move back to the city. I had to get out of there; I couldn’t leave the house and face seeing the two of them together, the happily married couple mocking my solitude and misery.

  I broke the news to my parents over breakfast.

  “You can’t be serious,” Dad protested. “You’ll be fine here, just come work for me at the store. Your friend Lee is going to be moving up to help me out a little more, why don’t you take over the front? You’re good with numbers.”

  “I can’t work for you, I’m horrible at making change and I hate dealing with the public. Besides, I can’t live here if Ryder and Brittany are going to be parading around,” I replied, barely containing my tears.

  “You could at least hide out here for a little while and see what happens,” Mom said. “I could teach you all about preserving veggies, and gardening, and all the farm stuff you wanted to learn. You don’t need to leave to get over Ryder, there are lots and lots of handsome young men in this town you know.”

  I sighed and winced as a wave of pain coursed through my body and I felt the true depth of my loss. “I have to go but I might be back. I emailed a friend and I’m going to be living in her room while she’s overseas. I just need some space to clear my head,” I said with tears threatening to choke me.

  I packed my few belongings and headed back for the city the next day. Brittany had unceremoniously dumped my clothing off at my parent’s place in a black plastic garbage bag. I threw out my toothbrush and hair things, not trusting her to leave them untouched. I felt the weight of despair growing heavier with each passing mile as I left my town. It felt as though it might crush me by the time I got to the city, I could barely breathe and it took everything I had to not break down in tears.

  My friend Barb’s roommate Renee was home from work by the time I pulled up to the little house. I got the key and got acquainted with my new surroundings and met my new roommate.

  I settled into my new life pretty quickly and I still had enough in my savings to live comfortably for a month or two, but realistically I needed to find a job as soon as possible. Beyond earning money, it would help me get over thoughts of Ryder. He was everywhere though, I saw him countless times every day, in every tall, well-built dark haired man with a stranger’s face. My heart sunk every time I realized it wasn’t him.

  The worst time I had was when I was alone in my bed at night. I hadn’t bothered to unpack many things, Barb was going to be home before I knew it anyhow, but I had changed the sheets and used my own comforter to try and make it seem a little more familiar.

  I would snuggle under the covers with my phone and good downloaded book and try to escape my sorrowful reality with something sexy and distracting. It would never work, in the silent moments between the day’s end and sleep; I would be consumed with thoughts of Ryder.

  I wondered if time would heal all wounds and I would eventually forget his face, his taste, his scent, his touch and his laugh.

  And then there was that part of me that didn’t want to. I wanted to hang onto him forever.

  I survived for a couple weeks away from home and was hiding in bed one night when my mind took over again. I gave up reading and plugged my phone in to charge for the night. I decided to give in and let Ryder take up real estate in my brain.

  I thought about the first time I’d been with Ryder when I went back, the time I gave him head on the couch and he’d almost choked me with his eagerness. I felt my heat rising, and my pussy began to throb just thinking about his cock. It was ridiculous, even all this time away and just the thought of his thick shaft got me going.

  I slid my hand inside my pajama bottoms and found slick heat and started sliding a finger across my desperate clit. I began to get worked up, feeling swollen and hot, when the floodgates broke open. Instead of release through an orgasm, I began to cry.

  I gave up on trying to come, pulled my hand out and let the sorrow flow from me in my tears. I turned over onto my side, curled up and let wracking sobs rise up from my chest; I shook and hugged my pillow even tighter.

  I could feel bile burning in my throat, and rolled over quickly to find a trash bin. I ended up leaning over the bed, tears and snot smearing my face, and vomiting into my waste paper basket. I had to get up out of bed but I heard Renee in the hallway. I didn’t want to face anyone right now so I hid out until Renee passed to her room.

  I stood on weak legs and suppressed a little sob. I walked to the door and grabbed the handle when Renee spoke from the other side. “Alex, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I replied. “Just a little under the weather.”

  “I thought I heard you crying, would you like me to make some tea?” Renee replied.

  “I’m really fine, just a couple bad days. Thank you, though,” I said, bracing myself on the doorframe.

  “No problem,” Renee replied and paused. “If you need to talk though, I’m always here.”

  “Thanks,” I blurted and stared at the door, waiting until I heard Renee go into her bedroom.

  I crept out into the hallway and slipped into the bathroom, almost crying again at what I saw in the mirror. I was a mess, my hair looked like I’d been on a five-day bender, and my red, swollen eyes matched. My face was puffy and I felt bloated and tender, like I’d fallen from a great height and landed badly.

  I touched my breasts and sucked in my breath. They were sore and sensitive, as if I was about to get my period. I tried to remember my last one, to figure out if I need to buy tampons but stopped, stunned and suddenly terrified.

  I realized I hadn’t had one for at least two or maybe even three months. My world went completely silent; all I could hear was my heart pushing blood through my ears, the steady pulse of anxiety flowing through my body.

  I gripped the sink and held myself up, steadying myself from the shock. I ran my hand over my stomach wondering if the curve I found there was imagination or a new life. A child.

  Ryder’s child.

  I laughed, overjoyed with the thrill of it all, thinking about his face when I told him, envisioning his eyes brightening as he swept me up in his strong arms and kissed me deeply.

  My reverie was broken when reality crashed into me like a car accident. I couldn’t tell him, I couldn’t imagine Brittany as a stepmother to my baby, I would never allow that to happen.

  I looked at myself in the mirror again and tried to see myself as a mother, a single mother. I wasn’t sure if I could do it, but did I even have a choice? I couldn’t go home and beg Ryder to take care of us; I could never debase myself in front of him and Brittany.

  First thing in the morning I would have to get a pregnancy test so I could make some solid plans about my future. Until then, I decided I would try and keep my mind off it and get a good night’s sleep.

  I splashed cold water on my face, went back to bed and curled up hugging my body pillow close to myself, as if protecting the precious secret I might be growing inside of me.

  Test in hand the next day, I read the instructions with bleary eyes. I’d tried to sleep, but my mind was running laps in my head until four in the morning. The endless possibilities, fantasies of Ryder coming for me and saving me and the baby from a life of drudgery and poverty. I couldn’t possibly work in my former profession and have enough hours in the day to care for my child properly. I used to put in a minimum of sixty hours a week, I’d have no time for the baby with that career.

  I was torn, I had my mother to model myself after, but I also needed to earn a living. Struggling as a single mother meant I was going to have to leave something uncared for, and I didn’t think it should be m
y baby. A career could come later, until then, I wouldn’t mind the struggle if it meant spending as much time as possible with my child.

  After peeing on the white stick I set it on the counter, sat on the edge of the tub and waited. I almost couldn’t bear to look after the two minutes were up, but I felt compelled to reach for the plastic that would determine my fate. I had to know.

  It was positive.

  I was having Ryder’s baby. I was going to be a mother and I could tell no one.

  Six days after the positive test, I managed to find work at a nearby Starbucks. I wasn’t showing yet and my benefits would kick in before the baby was born so the birth would be covered. I didn’t like feeling so deceptive by not telling them about my condition, but I needed to earn as much money as possible before the baby came.

  I had even briefly considered moving back with my parents, but the thought of running into Ryder and Brittany made me physically ill. What if they had a baby of their own shortly? The two children would be attending school together and I would be the outsider, the single parent in a town full of families.

  The baby and I would be better off in the city but I didn’t know when I would let my parents know. They would be hurt if I waited until the baby was born, but I couldn’t risk Ryder finding out and demanding his name be put on the birth certificate. Every day that passed meant I was becoming more and more steadfast in my decision to exclude him.

  Being a barista wasn’t such a bad job. As much as I always thought I’d hate a cashier type service job, I was surprised at how easy it came to me, and how much enjoyment I got from chatting with my customers and getting to know my regulars.

  I wasn’t showing yet and I hadn’t even gone to a doctor, it was like hiding the baby meant it wasn’t quite real yet. I didn’t have to face the fact that I was alone and going to be a mom.

  When I added everything together I had figured that I was around fifteen weeks or so. It was hard to say exactly, I didn’t quite remember when I’d had my last period and the online app I used needed that information for accuracy.