People Skills_How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts
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All too often the speaker’s words go “in one ear and out the other.”
A major reason for the poor listening in our society is that most of us receive a very rigorous early training in nonlistening. The therapist Franklin Ernst says that “from the earliest years of life, a person’s listening activity is the most heavily trained of all activities…. The person’s listening … is more attended to than his bowel training, his bladder activity, or his genital activity.” 6 Ernst points out that the typical child, in his most impressionable years, receives a steady diet of antilistening edicts. Parents say things like:
“We don’t listen to those things in our family.”
“Don’t pay any attention to him.”
“Pretend you don’t notice.”
“Don’t take it so seriously.”
“He didn’t mean what he said.”
“Don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing that you heard them” (and that it bothers you).
The typical parent not only verbalizes these antilistening comments, he demonstrates them daily in his own life. He is inattentive to persons speaking to him, may interrupt frequently, and responds with numerous roadblocks. By word and deed we are taught to be nonlisteners in our childhood.
Our schooling also conspires against the development of effective listening skills. About six years of training is given to reading in most school systems; additional opportunities are often available for remedial reading and speed reading. In the vast majority of schools, however, there are no effective training programs for developing listening skills. This makes little sense in a society where the graduated student will have to spend at least three times as much time listening as he spends reading.
Rather than receiving training in effective listening, the student in a typical school receives further antilistening training. Like his parents, most of his teachers will not be good listeners. They, too, will demonstrate inattentiveness, interruptions, and the use of many roadblocks throughout the school day. Furthermore, the typical classroom is structured for a larger ratio of listening time to talking time than the human being is capable of achieving. Some experts say that we can only listen effectively from one-third to two-thirds of the time. Whatever the specific ratio, each of us can recognize that when we listen for a long time without doing any talking or responding, our listening efficiency begins to drop drastically and finally our minds drift off to considering other topics than those about which the speaker is talking. Because the student cannot possibly listen effectively to all the talking to which school subjects him, he learns to turn off his mind when other people are speaking. This problem is compounded by the repetitions and boring nature of much teacher talk.
Most of us have been trained to be poor listeners. Yet ironically, we spend more time listening than doing anything else, and the quality of our listening greatly affects both the personal and the vocational dimensions of our lives. The remainder of this chapter is devoted to defining listening, outlining the major clusters of listening skills, and teaching the more elementary of the listening skills.
LISTENING DEFINED
It is helpful to note the distinction between hearing and listening. “Hearing,” says Professor John Drakeford, “is a word used to describe the physiological sensory processes by which auditory sensations are received by the ears and transmitted to the brain. Listening, on the other hand, refers to a more complex psychological procedure involving interpreting and understanding the significance of the sensory experience.”7In other words, I can hear what another person is saying without really listening to him. A teenager put it this way: “My friends listen to what I say, but my parents only hear me talk.”
I recall a time when I was talking with someone who seemed to ignore everything I said. “You are not listening to me!” I accused. “Oh, yes I am!” he said. He then repeated word for word what I had told him. He heard exactly. But he wasn’t listening. He didn’t understand the meanings I was trying to convey. Perhaps you have had a similar experience and know how frustrating it can be to be heard accurately by someone who isn’t listening with understanding.
The distinction between merely hearing and really listening is deeply embedded in our language. The word listen is derived from two Anglo-Saxon words. One word is hlystan, which means “hearing.” The other is hlosnian, which means “to wait in suspense.” Listening, then, is the combination of hearing what the other person says and a suspenseful waiting, an intense psychological involvement with the other.
LISTENING SKILL CLUSTERS
Learning to be an effective listener is a difficult task for many people. Our approach simplifies the learning process by focusing on single skills or small clusters of skills so people can concentrate on one skill or one cluster at a time.
Focusing on a single skill when necessary, and on small clusters of skills when possible, enables people to learn most efficiently. This approach helps the reader master one cluster of skills, see himself readily improve in that area, and then move to a more advanced set of skills. When each of the separate listening skill clusters has been learned, the reader can integrate the various skills into a sensitive and unified way of listening.
The clusters of listening skills taught in this book include:
SKILL CLUSTERS
SPECIFIC SKILLS
Attending Skills
• A Posture of Involvement
• Appropriate Body Motion
• Eye Contact
• Nondistracting Environment
Following Skills
• Door Openers
• Minimal Encourages
• Infrequent Questions
• Attentive Silence
Reflecting Skills
• Paraphrasing
• Reflecting Feelings
• Reflecting Meanings (Tying Feelings to Content)
• Summative Reflections
Definitions of each of the specific skills will be given as they are treated in this and the next chapter.
ATTENDING SKILLS
Attending is giving your physical attention to another person. I sometimes refer to it as listening with the whole body. Attending is nonverbal communication that indicates that you are paying careful attention to the person who is talking. Attending skills include a posture of involvement, appropriate body motion, eye contact, and a nondistracting environment.
The Impact of Attending
and Nonattending
Effective attending works wonders in human relations. It shows the other that you are interested in him and in what he has to say. It facilitates the expression of the most important matters on his mind and in his heart. Nonattending, on the other hand, tends to thwart the speaker’s expression.
Allen Ivey and John Hinkle describe the results of attending in a college psychology course. They trained six students in attending behavior. Then a session, taught by a visiting professor, was videotaped. The students started out in typical student nonattending classroom behaviors. The professor lectured, unaware of the students’ prearranged plan. His presentation was centered on his notes. He used no gestures, spoke in a monotone, and paid little attention to the students. At a prearranged signal, however, the students began deliberately to physically attend. Within a half a minute, the lecturer gestured for the first time, his verbal rate increased, and a lively classroom session was born. Simple attending had changed the whole picture. At another signal, the students stopped attending, and the speaker, after awkwardly seeking continued response, resumed the unengaging lecture with which he began the class.8
It is an impressive experience to talk to a person who is directly and totally there for you. Norman Rockwell, the artist famed for his Saturday Evening Post covers, recounted his experience while painting a portrait of President Eisenhower:
The general and I didn’t discuss politics or the campaign. Mostly we talked about painting and fishing. But what I remember most about the hour and a half I spent with him was the way he gave me a
ll his attention. He was listening to me and talking to me, just as if he hadn’t a care in the world, hadn’t been through the trials of a political convention, wasn’t on the brink of a presidential campaign.9
Attending is often one of the most effective behaviors we can offer when listening to someone.
A Posture of Involvement
Because body language often speaks louder then words, a “posture of involvement” is extremely important in listening. In their book Human Territories: How We Behave in Space-Time, Drs. Albert Scheflen and Norman Ashcroft note, “Each region of the body can be oriented in such a way that it invites, facilitates, or holds an interpersonal relation. Or it can be oriented in order to break off, discourage, or avoid involvement.”10 Communication tends to be fostered when the listener demonstrates a relaxed alertness with the body leaning slightly forward, facing the other squarely, maintaining an “open” position and situating himself at an appropriate distance from the speaker.
The good listener communicates attentiveness through the relaxed alertness of his body during the conversation. What is sought is a balance between the relaxedness that communicates “I feel at home with you and accept you” and the alertness or productive tension that demonstrates “I sense the importance of what you are telling me and am very intent on understanding you.” The blending of both of these body messages creates an effective listening presence.
Inclining one’s body toward the speaker communicates more energy and attention than does leaning back or sprawling in the chair. When a public speaker has his audience enthralled, we say, “He has them on the edge of their seats.” The people are not only leaning forward, but are sitting forward in their chairs. By contrast, some listeners slouch back in their chairs looking like propped-up cadavers. How demotivating that posture is to the speaker!
Facing the other squarely, your right shoulder to the other’s left shoulder, helps communicate your involvement. The common phrase “He gave me the cold shoulder” suggests the indifference or rejection that can be communicated by not positioning yourself to face the other person. Because homes and offices are seldom arranged for good attending, you may have to rearrange some furniture to be able to position yourself properly.
Another aspect of facing the other squarely is to be at eye level with the speaker. This is especially important if you are an authority figure—a parent, teacher, or boss—of the speaker. Sitting on the edge of a desk when the other is in a chair or standing when he is sitting can be a major barrier to interpersonal contact. Parents of young children often comment on how important this aspect of attending is in their homes.
Maintaining an open position with arms and legs uncrossed is another important part of the posture of involvement. Tightly crossed arms or legs often communicate closedness and defensiveness. Baseball fans know what to expect when an umpire makes a call that is disputed by a team manager. The manager runs toward the umpire shouting and waving his arms. The umpire typically crosses his arms in a gesture of defensiveness, communicating that he will not budge from his position and that any argument will be fruitless. The very young do this same thing: they commonly cross their arms when defying their parents, indicating a psychological closedness to their parents’ comments.
Positioning yourself at an appropriate distance from the speaker is an important aspect of attending. Too much distance between persons impedes communication. C. L. Lassen studied the effect of physical proximity in initial psychiatric interviews. The psychiatrists sat either three, six, or nine feet away from their clients. The clients’ anxiety levels were measured, both by observable behaviors and through the clients’ self-reports. Lassen discovered that a client’s anxiety increased as the distance between himself and the psychiatrist increased.11
On the other hand, when a listener gets too close to another person, anxiety also increases. Some psychologists have demonstrated that the typical American feels uneasy when someone with whom he is not intimate positions himself closer than three feet for an extended time. Long periods of close physical proximity during a conversation can cause discomfort even when the persons are spouses or close friends. Cultural differences affect the optimal distance for conversing, as do individual differences within a given culture. The distance between yourself and another person that most facilitates communication can be discovered by watching for signs of anxiety and discomfort in the speaker and positioning yourself accordingly. Normally, about three feet is a comfortable distance in our society.
Appropriate Body Motion
Appropriate body movement is essential to good listening. In his book Who’s Listening?, psychiatrist Franklin Ernst, Jr., writes:
To listen is to move. To listen is to be moved by the talker—physically and psychologically…. The non-moving, unblinking person can reliably be estimated to be a non-listener…. When other visible moving has ceased and the eyeblink rate has fallen to less than once in six seconds, listening, for practical purposes, has stopped.12
One study of nonverbal listener behavior noted that the listener who remains still is seen as controlled, cold, aloof, and reserved. By contrast, the listener who is more active—but not in a fitful or nervous way—is experienced as friendly, warm, casual, and as not acting in a role. People prefer speaking to listeners whose bodies are not rigid and unmoving.13 When watching videotapes of effective listeners, I discovered that they tend to have a rhythm of less activity when the speaker is talking and somewhat more activity when they are responding. Occasionally, the listener becomes so in tune with the speaker that his gestures synchronize with the speaker’s.
The avoidance of distracting motions and gestures is also essential for effective attending. The good listener moves his body in response to the speaker. Ineffective listeners move their bodies in response to stimuli that are unrelated to the talker. Their distraction is demonstrated by their body language: fiddling with pencils or keys, jingling money, fidgeting nervously, drumming fingers, cracking knuckles, frequently shifting weight or crossing and uncrossing the legs, swinging a crossed leg up and down, and other nervous mannerisms. Watching a TV program, waving or nodding one’s head to people passing by, continuing with one’s activities, like preparing a meal, or reading the paper can be very distracting when someone is talking to you.
Eye Contact
Effective eye contact expresses interest and a desire to listen. It involves focusing one’s eyes softly on the speaker and occasionally shifting the gaze from his face to other parts of the body, to a gesturing hand, for example, and then back to the face and then to eye contact once again. Poor eye contact occurs when a listener repeatedly looks away from the speaker, stares at him constantly or blankly, or looks away as soon as the speaker looks at the listener.
Eye contact enables the speaker to appraise your receptiveness to him and his message. It helps him figure out how safe he is with you. Equally important, you can “hear” the speaker’s deeper meanings through eye contact. Indeed, if effective listening means getting inside the other’s skin and understanding the person’s experience from his perspective, one of the best ways to enter that inner world is through the “window” of the eyes. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “The eyes of men converse as much as their tongues, but with the advantage that the ocular dialect needs no dictionary, but is understood the world over.”14
Many people have a difficult time establishing eye contact. Just as some people have a hard time knowing what to do with their hands in social interactions, other people do not know what to do with their eyes. People sometimes look away from another’s face at the moment they sense he will show emotion on his face. Part of the reason for that behavior may be a desire not to be intrusive or embarrass the other.15 (As we will see later, however, the effective listener hears feelings as well as content and understands what the other says with his body language as well as through words.) Another reason for not looking into the speaker’s eyes is that it is one of the most intimate ways of relating to a person, and the fear
of escalation of affection has made it somewhat taboo in many societies.16
Despite the fact that some people find it difficult to look into another’s eyes, few of us enjoy carrying on a conversation with a person whose glance continually darts about the room. When I am listened to by that kind of a person, I am distracted from what I am saying. For example, when a person talking with me at a party keeps looking around the room at other people, I often interpret that to mean that he would rather be someplace else—and I personally wish he would find out where he would rather be and go there! Lack of eye contact may be a sign of indifference or hostility. It can be experienced as a put-down.
The ability to have good eye contact is essential for effective interpersonal communication in our society. Sometimes it cannot be used maximally because others are uncomfortable with it. Often, however, it is one of the most effective of the listening skills. People who are uncomfortable with eye contact can develop the ability to communicate through the eyes. Awareness of the importance of eye contact helps many people overcome the inhibition. Additionally, people with this problem may have to work at looking at a person’s face more often until they become more comfortable with this way of relating.
Nondistracting Environment
Attending involves giving the other person one’s undivided attention. This is virtually impossible in environments that have a high level of distraction. An undistracting environment, one without significant physical barriers between people and one that is inviting rather than ugly—these conditions facilitate conversation.