It is important to note, however, that the research indicates that training in interpersonal communication can be “for better or for worse.”1 Two frequent problems with ineffective training are the educational design and the inability of the trainer to utilize the skills or express the key qualities (see Chapter 15) while teaching the course. When these problems are not present, research suggests that participants can increase their ability with the skills in a remarkably brief period.2
It is my strong conviction that, with rare exceptions, a high level of communication effectiveness is seldom achieved without an intensive and well-designed training program. For these reasons I would encourage you to be highly selective and critical in choosing a communications training program if that is a possible direction for you. Organizations that desire more information about the training programs that my colleagues and I designed to teach the skills described in this book may direct inquiries to:
Communication Skills
Ridge Consultants
5 Ledyard Avenue
Cazenovia, New York 13035
Notes
Preface
1William Turner , A New Herball Wherein Are Contayned the Names of Herbes (London, 1551).
PART ONE: INTRODUCTION
1George Gazda , Human Relations Development: A Manual for Educators (Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 1973), p. 34.
Chapter One:
Skills for Bridging
the Interpersonal Gap
1Richard Wright , The Outsider (New York: Harper & Row, 1969).
2Karl Jaspers , The Way to Wisdom (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1951), p. 147.
3Harry Stack Sullivan , Interpersonal Theory of Psychiatry (New York: W. W. Norton, 1953).
4David Riesman , Nathan Glazier , and Reuel Denney , The Lonely Crowd: A Study of the Changing American Character (New York: Doubleday, 1950).
5T. S. Eliot , The Cocktail Party (New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, Inc.; London: Faber & Faber Ltd), p. 140. Copyright 1950.
6Virginia Satir , Peoplemaking (Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior Books, 1972), p. 197.
7Quoted in Ann Landers , “Survey Results Shock Reader,” Syracuse Herald-Journal, 29 March 1976.
8Gabriel Marcel , The Mystery of Being (Chicago: Regnery, 1960).
9Carl Rogers , On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1961), p. 330. Copyright © 1961 by Carl R. Rogers. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Co., and that of Constable Publishers, London.
10Second Chance (motion picture) (Nutley, N.J.: Hoffman-LaRoche Laboratory).
11Erich Fromm , The Art of Loving (New York: Harper and Brothers, 1956), p. 83.
12Gerard Egan , The Skilled Helper: An Introduction to Systematic Counselor and Human Relations Training (Monterey, Calif.: Brooks/Cole, 1975), p. 22. Copyright © 1975 by Wadsworth Publishing Company, Inc. Reprinted by permission of the publisher, Brooks/Cole Publishing Company, Monterey, California 93940.
13Charles B. Truax and Robert Carkhuff , Toward Effective Counseling and Psychotherapy (New York: Aldine/Atherton, 1967), p. 108.
14Robert Havighurst , Developmental Tasks and Education (New York: Longmans, Green, 1952); Erik Erikson , Childhood and Society (New York: W. W. Norton, 1964).
15Alvin Toffler , Future Shock (New York: Random House, 1970). Toffler says that one of the three abilities we need in our “survival kit” for the future is learning how to relate.
16H. Richard Niebuhr , The Purpose of the Church and Its Ministry (New York: Harper and Brothers, 1956), p. viii.
17One of the most important issues in communication skills training is the selection of skills to be taught. From my perspective, Dr. Thomas Gordon’s choice of basic communication skills in his Parent Effectiveness Training: The “No-Lose” Program for Raising Responsible Children (New York: Peter H. Wyden, 1970) represented a major step forward in communication skills training. Though there are differences in what is considered most fundamental in Gordon’s books and those highlighted in this volume, my indebtedness to him on this (and many other topics covered in this book) is considerable.
Chapter Two:
Barriers to Communication
1Reuel L. Howe , The Miracle of Dialogue (New York: The Seabury Press, Inc., 1963), pp. 23-24. Copyright © 1963 by the Seabury Press, Inc.
2Thomas Gordon , Parent Effectiveness Training: The “No-Lose” Program for Raising Responsible Children (New York: Peter H. Wyden, 1970), pp. 44, 108.
3Carl Rogers , Client-Centered Therapy: Its Current Practice, Implications, and Theory (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1951); note especially 31. See also Carl Rogers , On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1961). Copyright © 1961 by Carl R. Rogers. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Co. Howe, The Miracle of Dialogue , pp. 18-35. Haim Ginott , Between Parent and Child: New Solutions to Old Problems (New York: Macmillan, 1965). See also Ginott ’s Between Parent and Teenager (New York: Avon, 1969) and Teacher and Child: A Book for Parents and Teachers (New York: Macmillan, 1972). Jack Gibb “Defensive Communication,” in Leadership and Interpersonal Behavior, edited by Luigi Petrullo and Bernard M. Bass (New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1961), pp. 66-81.
4Gordon , Parent Effectiveness Training , pp. 41-47, 108-117 and 321-27.
5Rogers , On Becoming a Person , p. 330. Copyright © 1961 by Carl R. Rogers. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Co.
6Ibid., pp. 330-31. Copyright © 1961 by Carl R. Rogers. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Co.
7Quoted in Robert Sherwood , Roosevelt and Hopkins (New York: Harper, 1948), p. 282.
8Clark Moustakas , Individuality and Encounter: A Brief Journey into Loneliness and Sensitivity Groups (Cambridge, Mass.: Howard A. Doyle, 1971), pp. 7-8.
9Ginott , Between Parent and Teen-Ager , p. 113.
10David Augsburger , The Love Fight (Scottsdale, Pa.: Herald Press, 1973), p. 110.
11Jacques Lalanne , “Attack by Question,” Psychology Today, November 1975), p. 134.
12Norman Kagan , Interpersonal Process Recall: A Method of Influencing Human Interaction (Ann Arbor: Michigan State University Press, 1975), p. 29.
13Dag Hammarskjold , Markings (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1964), p. 190.
14Ginott , Between Parent and Child , pp. 29-30.
15Luke 11:24-26.
PART TWO:
LISTENING SKILLS1
Quoted in Ralph Nichols and Leonard Stevens , Are You Listening? (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1957), p. 49.
Chapter Three:
Listening Is More Than
Merely Hearing
1A letter from a patient quoted in Paul Tournier , The Meaning of Persons (New York: Harper & Row, 1957), p. 165.
2Ralph G. Nichols and Leonard A. Stevens , Are You Listening? (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1957), pp. 6-7.
3Ibid., pp. 6-10.
4Quoted in B. Harvey Branscomb, The Teachings of Jesus: A Textbook for College and Individual Use (New York: Abingdon, 1931), p. 23. This saying comes from an apocryphal “New Testament” book.
5Ralph G. Nichols and Leonard A. Stevens , “Listening to People,” Harvard Business Review, September-October 1957.
6Franklin Ernst, Jr. , Who’s Listening? A Handbook of the Transactional Analysis of the Listening Function (Vallejo, Calif.: Addresso ’set, 1973).
7John Drakeford , The Awesome Power of the Listening Ear (Waco, Tex.: Word, 1967), p. 17.
8Allen Ivey and John Hinkle , “The Transactional Classroom,” unpublished manuscript, University of Massachusetts, 1970.
9Norman Rockwell , “My Adventures as an Illustrator,” edited by T. Rockwell , Saturday Evening Post, April 2, 1960, p. 67. President John Kennedy had this ability, too. See Drakesford , The Awesome Power of the Listening Ear , p. 65.
10Albert Scheflen with Norman Ashcraft , Human Territories: How We Behave in Space-Time (Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, 1976), pp. 6, 42.
11C. L. Lassen , “E
ffect of Proximity on Anxiety and Communication in the Initial Psychiatric Interview,” Journal of Abnormal Psychology 18 (1973): 220-232.
12Ernst , Who’s Listening? p. 113.
13Charles Truax and Robert Carkhuff , Toward Effective Counseling and Psychotherapy: Training and Practice (New York: Aldine/Atherton, 1967), pp. 361-62.
14Quoted in Gerald Nierenberg and Henry Calero , How to Read a Person Like a Book (New York: Pocket Books, 1975), p. 28.
15Paul Ekman and Wallace Friesen , Unmasking the Face: A Guide to Recognizing Emotions from Facial Expressions (Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, 1975), pp. 14-16.
16Silvan Tomkins , in Challenges of Humanistic Psychology , edited by James Bugental (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1967), p. 57.
17Anthony G. White , Reforming Metropolitan Governments: A Bibliography (New York: Garland, 1975).
18Allen Ivey , Microcounseling: Innovations in Interviewing Training (Springfield, Ill.: Thomas, 1975).
19John Moreland , Jeanne Phillips , and Jeff Lockhart , “Open Invitation to Talk,” manuscript, University of Massachusetts, 1969, p. 1
20Eugene Herrigel , The Method of Zen , edited by Herman Tausend and R. F. C. Hull (New York: Pantheon, 1976), pp. 124-25.
21Halford Luccock , Halford Luccock Treasury edited by Robert Luccock, Jr. (New York: Abingdon, 1963), p. 242.
22Quoted in Nathan Scott , Man in the Modern Theater , (Richmond, Va.: John Knox, 1965), p. 86.
23Ecclesiastes 3:7.
Chapter Four:
Four Skills of Reflective Listening
1John Powell , The Secret of Staying in Love (Niles, Ill.: Argus, 1974), p. 140. Reprinted from The Secret of Staying in Love by John Powell © 1974 Argus Communications. Used with permission from Argus Communications, Niles, Illinois.
2Quoted in Haim Ginott , Group Psychotherapy with Children (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1961), pp. 180-82.
3Steven Danish and Allen Hauer , Helping Skills: A Basic Training Program (New York: Behavioral Publications, 1973), p. 27.
4William James , Varieties of Religious Experience (New York: Longmans, Green, 1902), p. 397.
5Norman Kagan , Interpersonal Process Recall: A Method of Influencing Human Interaction (Ann Arbor: Michigan State University Press, 1975), pp. 60-62. Kagan goes on to state that because people have some ability at reading feelings, they don’t need to be taught how to do it. I believe most of us can improve this ability through an educational process—which in fact is what Kagan’s program is designed to do, too.
6Robert Carkhuff , The Art of Helping: A Guide for Developing Helping Skills for Parents, Teachers, and Counselors (Amherst, Mass.: Human Resource Development Press, 1973), p. 78.
7Ernest Jones , The Life and Work of Sigmund Freud , edited and abridged by Lionell Trilling and Steven Marcus (New York: Basic Books, 1961), p. 253.
8Quoted in Gerard Egan , The Skilled Helper: A Model for Systematic Helping and Interpersonal Relating , (Monterey, Calif.: Brooks/Cole, 1975), p. 139. Copyright © 1975 by Wadsworth Publishing Company, Inc. Reprinted by permission of the publisher, Brooks/Cole Publishing Company, Monterey, California 93940.
9Ibid., p. 138. Copyright © 1975 by Wadsworth Publishing Company, Inc. Reprinted by permission of the publisher, Brooks/Cole Publishing Company, Monterey, California 93940.
Chapter Five:
Why Reflective Responses Work
1J. M. Shlien. I am unable to locate the source of this quotation.
2Richard Bandler and John Grinder , The Structure of Magic: A Book about Language and Therapy (Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior Books, 1975), 1: 22-23.
3Alfred North Whitehead , Adventures of Ideas (New York: Mentor, 1933), p. 286.
4Quoted in Life , 14 October 1966.
5T. S. Eliot , “Burnt Norton.” Four Quartets (New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, Inc., 1952; London: Faber & Faber Ltd). Copyright 1952.
6Haim Ginott , Between Parent and Child: New Solutions to Old Problems (New York: Macmillan, 1965), pp. 35-36.
7John Drakeford , The Awesome Power of the Listening Ear (Waco, Tex.: Word, 1967), pp. 19-20.
8Perry London , Behavior Control (New York: Harper & Row, 1969), p. 88.
9Anti-Defamation League of B’nai B’rith, Rumor Clinic .
10Jiddu Krishnamurti , The First and Last Freedom (New York: Harper and Brothers, 1954), p. 19.
11Thomas Carlyle , Sartor Resartus (New York; Stokes, 1883), p. 172. Italics added.
Chapter Six:
Reading Body Language
1Julius Fast , Body Language (New York: Pocket Books, 1971), pp. 7-8. From Body Language by Julius Fast. Copyright © 1970 by Julius Fast. Reprinted by permission of the publishers, M. Evans and Company, Inc., New York, New York 10017.
2Randall Harrison , “Nonverbal Communication: Exploration into Time, Space, Action, and Object,” in Dimensions in Communication: Readings edited by James Campbell and Hall Hepner (Belmont, Calif.: Wadsworth, 1970), p. 258.
3Albert Mehrabian , “Communication Without Words,” Psychology Today, September 1968, p. 53.
4Quoted in Gerald Nierenberg and Henry Calero , How to Read a Person Like a Book (New York: Pocket Books, 1973), p. 23.
5Isaiah 3:9, as translated by George Adam Smith , The Book of Isaiah (New York: Harper and Brothers, 1927), 1:31.
6Paul Ekman and Wallace Friesen , Unmasking the Face: A Guide to Recognizing Emotions from Facial Clues (Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, 1975), p. 18.
7Gerard Egan , The Skilled Helper: A Model for Systematic Helping and Interpersonal Relating (Monterey, Calif.: Brooks/Cole, 1975), p. 63.
8D. Huenegardt and S. Finando , “Micromomentary Facial Expressions as Perceivable Signs of Deception,” paper presented to Speech Association of America, New York, Quoted in C. David Mortensen , Communication: The Study of Human Interaction (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1972), pp. 222-24.
9Ralph Nichols and Leonard Stevens , Are You Listening? (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1957), p. 59.
10Quoted in John Woolman , The Journal of John Woolman , edited by Janet Whitney (Chicago: Henry Regnery, 1950), p. 132.
11Rollo May , Love and Will (New York: W. W. Norton, 1969), p. 241.
12Len Sperry , Developing Skills in Contact Counseling (Reading, Mass.: Addison Wesley, 1975), p. 40.
13Erle Stanley Gardner , “How to Know You’re Transparent When You’d Like to Be Opaque,” Vogue, July 1956, pp. 45-47.
14B. G. Rosenberg and J. Langer “A Study of Postural-Gestural Communication,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 2: 593-97.
15Abne Eisenberg and Ralph Smith, Jr. , Nonverbal Communication (Indianapolis: Bobbs-Merrill, 1971), pp. 34-35.
16Quoted in Nierenberg and Calero , How to Read a Person Like a Book , p. 18.
17Edward Sapir , “The Unconscious Patterning of Behaviors in Society,” Selected Writings of Edward Sapir in Language, Culture, and Personality, edited by David Mandelbaum (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1949), p. 556.
Chapter Seven:
Improving Your Reflecting Skills
1David Augsburger , The Love Fight: Caring Enough to Confront (Scottdale, Pa.: Herald Press, 1973), p. 23.
2Carl Rogers , On Becoming a Person (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1961), pp. 21-22. Copyright © 1961 by Carl R. Rogers. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Co.
3McCall’s, September 1968.
4I John 3:18 (Moffatt translation).
5Gerard Egan , The Skilled Helper: A Model for Systematic Helping and Interpersonal Relating (Monterey, Calif.: Brooks/Cole, 1975), pp. 153-54. Copyright © 1975 by Wadsworth Publishing Company, Inc. Reprinted by permission of the publisher, Brooks/Cole Publishing Company, Monterey, California 93940.
6Clark Moustakas , Creativity and Conformity (Princeton, N.J.: D. Van Nostrand, 1967), p. 23.
7Quoted in Douglas Steere , On Beginning from Within/On Listening to Another (New York: Harper & Row, 1943), p. 197.
8George Gazda et al., Human Relations Development: A Manual f
or Educators (Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 1973), pp. 81-82.
PART THREE:
ASSERTION SKILLS
1Pirke Avot (“Ethics of the Fathers”), Talmud.
Chapter Eight:
Three Approaches to
Relationships
1Sherwin Cotler and Julio Guerra , Assertion Training: A Humanistic-Behavioral Guide to Self-Dignity (Champaign, Ill.: Research Press, 1976), p. 201. Used with permission.
2Virginia Satir, Peoplemaking (Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior Books, 1972), pp. 78-79. This is her rough estimate. Satir uses the word leveling rather than asserting.
3Anne Morrow Lindbergh , Dearly Beloved (New York: Harcourt, Brace and World, 1962), p. 10.
4L. Z. Bloom , Karen Coburn , and Joan Pearlman , The New Assertive Woman (New York: Dell Books, 1975), p. 219. I believe the statistics are significant despite the limitations inherent in self-assessment procedures.
5W. H. Auden , About the House (New York: Random House, 1965). Reprinted by permission of Curtis Brown, Ltd. Copyright © 1963 by Edward Mendelson, William Meredith, and Monroe K. Spears, executors of the Estate of W. H. Auden (first appeared in The New Yorker).
6Georg Simmel , “Secrecy and Group Communication,” in Talcott Parsons et al., Theories of Society (New York: Free Press, 1961), p. 320.
7Theodore White , The Making of the President 1960 (New York: Atheneum, 1961), p. 171.
8Ashley Montague, The Nature of Human Aggression (New York: Oxford University Press, 1976), p. 249.
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