Imperfections

by Shaniel Watson

  He's talking like he knows the baby is his. It's different from when he first told me Kate was pregnant.

  Something's changed.

  "I need to tell you something about Kate and me."

  "Oh God! What now? I don't know if I want to hear this. The last thing I want to do is talk about you and Kate. I don't want to think about it."

  I don't want to listen to him talk about Kate. I look down at my hands in my lap. He covers my hands with his, leans over his elbows on his knees.

  "I know—"

  "No, you don't. Every time I see her I have to pretend I don't know she's pregnant and she might be carrying your child. I have to listen to my mother gush over your engagement, what a wonderful couple you are and how she can't wait till you give her grandkids."

  I sit up, pull my hands away from him and wrap them around my waist. I want this conversation to be over with. I hate this feeling. I hate what I think he's about to tell me, there is a tiny part of me that wishes my sister wasn't pregnant. Because if she wasn't, everything would be the way it's supposed to be.

  "I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry I'm putting you through this because of the asinine choice I made. I fucked up. I'm not going to try and make excuses for what I did."

  You better not. "That's good; if you do I'm going to walk right outta here."

  He scrubs his hand across his mouth then across his jaw. He looks down at his folded hands, his legs parted, he rotates his thumbs around each other. I wait for him to say what I don't want to hear. I look to the side into the living room at the clear blue morning sky. It's the kind of blue surrounded by puffs of white cloud that reminds you of blue ice and igloos. I wrap my arms around myself a little tighter. Like a chill from outside is seeping into my perfect dream, wrapping itself around it with its cold embrace.

  "I went with Kate to a doctor's appointment."

  Here we go. I take a breath and let it out. I sit back and watch the clouds roll by.

  "I saw the baby and heard the heartbeat."

  I don't turn around. "Why do you think I need to hear this?"

  "I don't want there to be any secrets between us. I need you to know everything so there are no misunderstandings. We took a paternity test. If this baby is mine, you need to know what's happening from the beginning. I want you to be as much a part of my life as my child."

  "You're saying it like you already know this is your baby."

  He takes one of my hands from around my waist and runs his thumb across the back of it. "I'm saying I want you in my life the way it was last night. The way it was waking up with you in my arms this morning. I'm willing to do whatever it takes, we can do this together, Cat."

  I shake my head and bite down on my lip hard. "You want me to be right there in the trenches with you when the grenades come raining down on the battlefield when my family finds out Kate's pregnant with your baby and you and I have decided to bring our love to the frontline."

  "If that's the way you want to think of it."

  I get up and turn away, turn back around with my hand on my hips and blink my eyes at him.

  "Listen, I'm no warrior princess."

  "Cat, what we feel for each other is worth fighting for. You can't deny it after last night."

  "It's a lot to deal with and then to put it all out there for people to see. To be judged by family and friends, people we don't even know."

  "How about this, we don't have to tell anyone until you're ready. It will be between us, for now, not forever. When the time is right we will let everyone know. I'll be right there by your side where I will always be."

  I put one hand over my forehead and close my eyes. "I'll think about it. I need to go take a shower." I turn to leave. He stands and wraps his hand around my upper arm. I don't look directly at him.

  "Cat?"

  I turn back to him with a sad smile. "I'm fine, I'm fine…I need to take a shower." My perfect morning is officially ruined. I want to cry.

  I close my eyes and hold my face up to the steaming shower of water coming down on me. I want it to wash over me cleaning away the doubt and fears I have. He wants us to be a couple, to be a part of his life with this baby if it's his. He already sounds like he's claiming this child as his own.

  I realize now more than anything I don't want this child to be his. I don't want to see it; I don't want to see him and Kate bonding over their baby. He might think it's not going to happen but it is. How could it not? They are going to be connected by this child forever. The thought of him touching her makes me sick!

  I run my hands back through my hair, jumping when I feel something hard brush against my back.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Nick

  I sit on the bed, run my hand through my hair, and listen to the shower run. That was harder than I thought. To see her face when what I was saying without directly saying it registered. She didn't even want to look at me.

  I open the door to the bathroom and see her through the shower door with her back to me. She doesn't hear me come in. She looks so small, like she's sixteen again. Like the first time I realized she wasn't a little girl anymore. I love the feel of her skin underneath my hands. The way it feels against my tongue, soft and warm. I hate I'm the one hurting her. I want to hold her in my arms and tell her I can make it all go away. I can't.

  I strip my clothes off and climb into the shower behind her. She jumps and presses her back up against me. I put my hands around her to let her know I have her, she's safe with me.

  I feel her body relax against me. Her skin feels good against mine. I want her, my body wants her. I can't help it, my body instantly reacts when I'm near her but I didn't come in here for that. Standing against me her head comes to my chest. I tower over her watching the water run down the soft curves of her body; firm shapely legs and her flat stomach. I wish she were the one carrying my child.

  "Can I hold you? I just want to hold you," I say softly against the water beating down on us.

  We stand like this for a long time. We don't need words when we're in each other's arms. The sound of my phone breaks through the calm and the soothing sound of the running water.

  Fuck. "Babe, I have to get that. I'm waiting for an important call from a client." I let out a deep breath. Cat turns around in my arms and looks up at me. Her breasts brush my chest; the feel of her body against mine has been driving me crazy. I don't know how much longer I could have lasted without pressing her against the wall taking her from behind. I grind my teeth as I look down at her beautiful face and her body, beads of water running down her face enhancing her features.

  "Go ahead, I'm fine. I'll be out in a minute."

  "Can I give you a kiss?"

  She reaches up on her tiptoes and I meet her halfway. I love the feel of her in my arms with nothing between us, skin to skin contact.

  "I said I would take the case, I'm not going to go back on my word. I'm not my father. My word is good. I always repay my debts. After this we're finished."

  Cat is standing by the door when I hang up the phone.

  "Sorry, I thought you would be finished." She's still in the oversized white bathrobe she had on earlier. It looks absurdly big and at the same time cute on her.

  "Come here."

  She walks into my office her hands behind her back. I walk around my desk and sit on the end in front of her. There's about five inches of space between us. "You can come closer." She stares at me with her lips slightly pursed. "What's wrong?"

  "As much as I like this bathrobe I can't wear it the entire weekend. I feel extremely underdressed next to you."

  "You could always take it off. I wouldn't mind at all."

  "I'm sure you wouldn't, but I don't think so. I need some kind of armor to protect me from your… less than honorable advances on me."

  "Who said I was honorable? When it comes to me being with you, all honor I have left is practically nonexistent." I smile and she smiles when I pull her between my legs and put my hands on hers behin
d her back.

  "Oh, I believe you. I have firsthand experience with your less than honorable practices at making me do things I wouldn't ordinarily do."

  "I seem to remember you loving every minute of it. Would you like me to remind you in real time, live and in color?"

  "No, my memories are very vivid."

  I frown to show my disappointment. "That's a shame; I was more than ready, willing, and able to perform that task for you—" I lean back and spread my hands down across the desk,"—with a little assistance of course."

  "I'm sorry to disappoint you but you won't be getting any assistance from me until I'm properly attired."

  "I've already taken care of it. When you were in the shower there was a delivery for you."

  "How could there be a delivery for me? I didn't order anything and no one knows I'm here."

  "I like to think ahead. Go into the living room." She turns around suspiciously. "Go ahead." I follow her into the room. Four bags are lined up against the window. She looks over her shoulder at me, kneels down in front of the bags and looks through them.

  "Did I do good?" I ask.

  "Yes, you did. You took a risk, what if I didn't like these clothes?"

  "Your style has changed but underneath you're still a jeans and tank top kinda girl. Besides, I have great taste in clothes; even better when it comes to knowing what my woman looks good in," I tell her and she rolls her eyes at me. "As much as I would enjoy watching you walk around here naked all day I figured you might object to that."

  "You figured right. Did you figure on underwear too?"

  "Yes, but I don't know why you would need it."

  "I would rather my crotch not be rubbed off raw in my jeans."

  "That would be a good reason."

  "There better not be all thongs in this bag. I do not want to walk around all day with a piece of string stuck up my ass like a super wedgie, that's not my idea of comfortable."

  "When you put it like that no, it doesn't sound too comfortable."

  "I'm not opposed to wearing a thong when the situation calls for it or going commando."

  "Good to know. Don't worry, there is an assortment of every kind of underwear in there."

  "I'll be back. I'm going to see if your fashion sense is as good as you think it is." She picks up the bags, walks in front of me and stops. "Shoes, you didn't think of that, did you?"

  "They're in the room by the closet."

  "You thought of everything, didn't you?"

  "I like to be prepared."

  "Of course you do."

  When she comes back I'm very pleased. She's wearing black leggings, a fitted burgundy sweater and wedge boots with fur around the ankles.

  "How do I look?"

  "I approve."

  "I knew you would."

  "You found the blow dryer?" Looking at her hair I can tell she did.

  "Thank goodness I did. My hair was starting to look like a frizzy curly kit."

  "I like your hair natural, it reminds me of the first time I ever saw you. You look cute when it's like that."

  "When you're a little girl it's cute, when you're an adult you can't rock that look without a lot of products to tame it."

  "I'll take your word for it. I know how women are about their hair."

  She sits facing me on the couch. I put my phone down and face her. "What do you want to do today?"

  "I don't know, what do you want to do?"

  My eyes travel to her lips all the way down her body back up to her warm brown eyes. I give her a wicked smile.

  "Besides that."

  "This outfit you have on makes you look like a ski bunny slash figure skater."

  "I was thinking the same thing when I looked in the mirror."

  "Then to Rockefeller center we go."

  "For what?"

  "We can't let this outfit go to waste, we're going ice skating."

  "No, we're not! I haven't ice skated in years!"

  "So?"

  "So I don't want to fall flat on my ass."

  "Don't worry, if you fall, I'll catch you. It'll be fun."

  "Fun for who?"

  "It's like riding a bike, once you know how you never forget."

  "What if someone sees us together?"

  "Like who? We're skating, not having sex on the ice."

  "I'm supposed to be spending the weekend with my friend."

  "And you are. Two old friends who happen to be in the same place at the same time."

  "What a coincidence," she says sarcastically.

  "Yes, it is. Is there some written law that says you can't be seen in public with me?"

  "No."

  "Then case closed, let's go."

  I grab her hand pulling her off the couch; we put on our jackets at the door. Cat says to me with her hand on the door, "You didn't think of everything, Mr. I like to be prepared." She holds her hands up and points at her head. "No hat or gloves."

  She keeps doubting me. I hold my index finger up for her to wait. I walk back in the room, come back out and hand her a white knitted hat and a matching pair of gloves to match her scarf. "I told you, I like to be prepared."

  Cat reaches up on her tip toes, grabs me by the front of my coat and kisses me on the lips between each word with a smile. "Yes, you, do."

  She lets go of me and races out the door before I can grab her back inside and kiss her senseless. Hopefully the rest of the day is this good.

  "So are you ready?"

  "Hell no!" she says, her arms wrapped tightly around my wind pipe.

  "Cat, you're starting to choke me and people are looking."

  "I should have never listened to you. I told you this would happen."

  "You're overreacting; we didn't even get out on the ice yet. Stop being a big baby."

  "Oh shut up, I am not!"

  "Really! Look at the little kids skating around the rink. That one can't be more than three. Now, let go and put your damn foot on the ice." If I didn't know it was going to upset her even more, I would laugh. Too funny!

  "Fine, fine, fine! Are you laughing at me, Nick?"

  "Who, me? Nooo. Why would I laugh at a grown-ass woman who's afraid of a piece of ice?"

  "If this grown-ass woman falls and busts her ass, I'm taking your ass down with me!"

  This time I can't help but laugh. This is like when we were kids. I shouldn't have done that, when she gets both feet on the ice she purposefully yanks on my arm pulling us both down ass first on the ice. "Ow! What did you do that for?"

  "Next time you'll think twice before laughing at me, you big baby."

  "I'm going to get you," I say, scrambling across the ice to get her.

  We probably looked like two fools on the ice, it was comical. Cat scrambling to get up on the bars across the ice and me chasing after her, hands flailing in the air until I finally catch up to her. I grab on to her coat by the waist out of breath as much as I am, we fall back against the railing while other skaters fly by looking at us.

  "You were right, this is fun."

  "I told you, now that you've made a spectacle of both of us, do you want to tone it down and let me show you how to skate?"

  "Well, I guess so since I wasn't the only one out here making a fool of myself."

  "When are you going to start believing me? If you look like a fool, then I'm going to look like a fool. I'm always going to be by your side."

  We skate for a while before we are so tired and cold we can't skate anymore. She wasn't too bad. Eventually she let go of the bar but she wouldn't move more than an inch away from it. She's cute in her red pea coat and white accessories. We sit on the benches and I help her take off her skates. She is so relaxed she forgets about someone we know seeing us. She lets me put my arms around her to keep her warm while we stand watching people skate.

  "You okay?" I say to her.

  "Yeah. I love it out here, all the lights, the decorations, people happy. The only thing that's missing is the Christmas tree, which will go up in about two we
eks."

  "It's nice, festive. Gives you that holiday feeling."

  "That's why I love this time of year."

  "I know you do, but I haven't heard you talk about the holidays or your birthday. Why is that?"

  "I don't know."

  "You used to get ready for Christmas before Thanksgiving with your arsenal of decorations. It was like Christmas threw up in your house."

  "My mother wasn't too happy about all my decorations taking over her house. My dad would tell her to leave me alone it was only once a year. He would say, 'tis the season to be festive.' My dad."

  "What happened this year, I would think you would go all out?"

  "My mother and Sophie can handle it, they did fine without me. I'm sure the house will be nicely decorated under my mother's instructions. Too many cooks in the kitchen is never good."

  I kiss the top of her head and we go inside the café to get a cup of hot chocolate and a table.

  "One year when I was a little girl my father came to my school to pick me up early. I asked him where we were going and he said anywhere I wanted, it was my special day."

  "Why was it special?"

  "As you know my birthday is on Christmas Day, he never got to spend much time with me because it was a busy day, with my mother's Christmas dinner and the parties they went to after we all had dinner together. We went ice skating right here. It's amazing how big things seem when you're a little kid. I loved everything about it. The Christmas tree was my favorite part of course."

  "Of course." I put my cup on the table and watch her move the hot cup in her hands.

  "We skated for hours. I was freezing but I didn't care, I was having so much fun with my daddy. He held my hand the whole time. He said, 'baby girl, don't worry I have you, I'm not going to let anything bad ever happen to you.' He told me he had a special surprise for me when we were finished. He took me to radio city to see Disney on Ice. I loved every minute of it. That was one of the best birthday memories I have. Me and my daddy. Sometimes I wish I could be a little girl again. Christmas through the eyes of a kid is wonderful. I guess soon you'll know what that's like?"