"I don't know if we can. I messed up; I fell for the one guy I shouldn't have. I took a risk and I lost my family and the guy."
"I always knew he liked you."
I look at Chris. "Did you?" He nods his head. "So why didn't you tell me?"
"Why would I?"
"Why wouldn't you? You guys have been friends forever."
"Exactly, why would I want my little sister going out with my friend? I don't even want to think about it."
"Why? Nick's not a bad guy."
"He's not the guy you want dating, I use that word loosely, your little sister."
I roll my eyes at him.
"Cat, do you think he was going to be celibate because you were my little sister or because you didn't have a lot of experience with sex back then?"
"Yes. You don't know that he wouldn't."
"Yes, I do. He would have cheated on you or taught you everything he knows and more. All we did was think with our dicks. What guy wants to think of their baby sister like that? I know I don't. I don't even want to think about it now."
I smile at him and I feel myself blush a little. I can't help it, I know what he's talking about. He looks at me and rolls his eyes like I did to him before.
"You see, this is what I'm talking about. You blushing and shit. If you're an adult now, and I still don't want to think about it, what would have happened back then?"
"You would have trusted him to do the right thing because he was your best friend and you would have trusted me to know what I could handle." He opens his eyes wide and looks at me like I don't know what I'm talking about.
"Hell no! I wouldn't have trusted you or him."
"Okay. It was just a thought."
"It was the wrong thought. He probably would have had you chained up naked to one of those giant wheels they have on Wheel of Fortune on your first date while he spins you. Big money, big money, big money."
My head pops up, my mouth is open. "Chris." He is totally exaggerating. Nick wasn't that bad. From what I knew anyway.
"What? He was into a lot of kinky shit back then or I should say, the girls he was into. He was my friend, I knew him better than you back then. We saw a lot, we did a lot. You're right about one thing; we're as tight now as we were back then. That's the only reason he didn't touch you. If he had, we wouldn't be friends now."
"Did you tell him to stay away from me?"
"No, he knew how I felt."
"How do you know he liked me like that?"
"The first and only time you went out with one of the guys on the football team, you were fifteen."
"With Mason. I was so excited about that date. I couldn't believe he wanted to go out with me." He was more someone that would go out with Kate. "I was surprised when he asked me out."
"You weren't the only one."
"What do you mean?"
"Nick was at the house that night. When he saw Mason and heard about the date with you…he wasn't happy."
"I didn't know he was there that night. I didn't see him."
"We left before you came down. He lost his cool and told Mason if he laid one hand on you or even thought about kissing you he would make his life hell on earth after he crippled him and put him in the hospital. He was going to show him the way to the white lights."
"He did what?" My eyes almost drop out of my head they're open so wide.
"You heard me."
"Why didn't Mason say anything?"
"Would you? Mason was two years behind us in high school. He was on the football team with us before Nick quit, he knew Nick meant every word he said."
I should be upset, I'm not. It's nice to know I wasn't alone in the way I felt about him. It's nice to know he felt the same way about me. Even though he was acting like a maniac.
"He was pissy the entire night after that. He was so upset he got into an argument with his date, dropped her off on the curb, and told her to get the hell out of his car. My date was friends with her, could you believe she got upset with me and left with her?"
I look down and smirk.
"I know he loves you, Cat. The issue at hand isn't if he loves you, it's can your love survive all of this. Is it more important than your family?"
I don't say anything. I don't know. Doesn't matter now, does it? "Have you talked to him?"
"Yeah, we talked."
"Good. I don't want this drama to affect your friendship."
"How can it not?"
"It shouldn't. You've been friends far too long—"
"But it does! It doesn't only affect me, it affects this whole family. He went about this whole fucked-up situation wrong. I mean, I don't even know if there could be a right way. It's all wrong. Kate's all messed up and rightfully so, she lost more than any of us. She lost a life. She lost her baby. You're estranged from the family. Jay, Jay is Jay."
"He hates me."
"He doesn't hate you."
"That's news to me. Nick is my pimp and I'm his whore bringing this family down."
"Cat, stop, he doesn't think that."
"You didn't hear the message he left me." I was at work and it was all I could do not to burst into tears in front of a room full of five-and six-year-olds. "That's what he said, those were his words."
Chris makes a face. I can see his jaw tighten. "I'm sorry he said that to you. You don't need to hear shit like that."
"Don't apologize for him. He meant every word."
"He's just hurt—"
"So am I," I say defensively.
"He wasn't expecting you to do anything like that."
"Neither was I; to be caught in a love triangle with my sister."
"Jay doesn't understand why or how you could do something like that. None of them do."
"I love him. I'm not using that as an excuse. It doesn't make what we did right. I don't know. I don't have an answer for you. Something kept pulling me back to him. I couldn't stop, we couldn't stop. He's the first thing I see in the morning before I open my eyes, at night before I fall asleep. It hurts. Everyone is hurting. I'm hurting too. This is my pain. Sometimes I feel like this pain will never go away, this ache, this wanting, this need only he can fill. It hurts."
He puts his hand on my shoulder. "I don't want to see you hurt or in pain. It won't always feel like this. Eventually our family will come around. You'll find someone else."
"Timing is everything. It's true. If I had only come back six months earlier, things would have been different. Nick and I would have been free to be together. Kate wouldn't have gotten pregnant. She wouldn't have miscarried. Mom and Dad wouldn't have lost their first grandson and Nick wouldn't have lost his first child."
"You can't think in what ifs, you can't change what's already happened. You just have to move forward and repair the damage. It's not going to be easy but you have to try. "
Looking down at my hands I sniff. "Give me some time. I'll try."
"How about tomorrow? I think tomorrow is a good time to try. Get it over with like a band aid. Rip it right off without hesitation. A quick stab of pain and that's it, the faster the better."
"Unless a piece of your flesh is ripped off with it and opens a fresh wound."
"Cat."
"Fine, I'll see if I can go over there tomorrow."
"Good. I'll call you tomorrow to see how it went. I'm going back to the office. I have to show a Brownstone to a couple near Eastern Parkway and New York Ave they're looking to move from Manhattan."
I walk him to the door and I remember Ava. "What's up with you and Ava?" He looks at me like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. "She likes you."
"I'm not looking for a relationship."
"Who's to say she is? Ava's not a labels type of girl. She might surprise you."
"All girls like labels, especially the ones with money. The more labels the happier they are."
"Get out of here." I push him playfully. He gives me a hug and leaves.
I lie down on my bed and think about tomorrow. I need to get my panther n
ecklace anyway. I guess I've made up my mind. I'm going to see my parents.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Nick
"Hi, Mom."
"Hello, Catherine."
She stands back to let me in. I called her to let her know I was coming over to get some more of my stuff. She just said that will be fine. The only thing was, I had to come between one and two because Kate would be at her office getting a few things. She's going to be working from home for the next month. She doesn't want her seeing me and getting her upset.
"How are you doing?"
"I'm surviving," I say.
"You didn't call anyone; we haven't heard a word from you."
"Did you want to hear from me?"
"What kind of a question is that, Cat."
"An honest one."
"You could have at least called to see how your sister was doing."
"How is she doing?"
She turns and walks into the dining room. Her back is straight as a rod, which tells me she's not happy with me as usual. I follow behind her like she wants. She sits down in one of the chairs and crosses her legs at the ankle. Signaling for me to sit down with a point of her finger, she puts her hands in her lap. Sitting at the head of the table with her head held high barely looking at me. She's barely made eye contact with me since I walked through the door. She didn't even touch me, as if I would contaminate her. She clears her throat before she starts to speak.
"Since you finally cared enough to ask, your sister is not doing well. She is however doing considerably better, no thanks to you and your…and him."
Great. "I didn't come here for this. I don't want to argue with you or anyone." Oh my God, I feel myself getting emotional. I close my eyes and try to force it down. I don't want to cry. Not here. Not now.
"You don't want what, Cat? To face what you did to this family? Your sister, your brother. Breaking your father's heart. You didn't want to face what you did with that man. What you did was selfish and shameful. How can you even stand to look at yourself knowing what you did?"
Her words are flying at me fast; I can't believe her of all people calling me shameful and selfish. I slam my hand down on the table tears stinging my eyes. "Enough. How dare you, of all people. You shouldn't even say anything like that to me. You, the woman who was going to leave her devoted husband and her child for some man who knocked you up and didn't want you and his children. What you did was worse than me falling in love with a man who loves me. You know what, forget it. It was a mistake for me to come here."
"What did you expect, Cat? Were we supposed to be happy you're sleeping with your sister's fiancé, the father of her baby?"
I push back my chair and get up. She gets up and tells me with all the authority of a queen on her throne to sit down.
"Sit down. Catherine, please sit down."
I look down at the table and sit back down my hands folded across my stomach. "If you're going to throw more insults at me and make me feel worse than I already do, I'm leaving."
"I know what I'm talking about when I tell you he doesn't love you. A man like that won't love you."
"Yet you believed he could love Kate."
I look at her and let out a breath. "I forgot you're the expert at knowing when a man does or doesn't love you." She tips her head at me with a cool look.
"Don't judge me, little girl. You don't know the position I was in. I was young, home alone all the time with a little boy. Your father was always working, a lot. I didn't understand a lot back then much like you. I felt neglected and here was this man showering me with attention, telling me what I wanted to hear and I had no one telling me what I needed to hear. If I did have someone to tell me what I couldn't see, they would have told me this man didn't love me. You are one in a long line of many. I know now that I was."
"Why did you need anyone to tell you that, why couldn't you see on your own?"
"The same reason you can't. I was young; when you're young you're easily fooled when you're vulnerable. Back then I was blinded by his charm and beauty. He made me feel wanted. Every time we were together I felt alive. Here's this man that can have his pick of women and he's choosing me. A girl who came from nothing, a neglected lonely housewife. Fool that I was, that's how I saw it. Thank God your father had mercy on me and forgave me. Any other man would have taken away everything I had, put me out on the street with my pregnant self and told me to go to hell. God was smiling down on me the day he put your father in my life."
"Why did he stay with you?"
She thinks about it. Smiles to herself. "I don't know. I never asked him. Didn't matter, I was just grateful he took me back."
"He must love you a great deal to forgive that."
"I think that is one of the reasons. I also think the biggest reason is no one knew. So his pride and ego could stay intact. He didn't have to be bombarded with outside influences and criticism. That was my major saving grace. A man's ego or pride is one of the most fragile things he has, it can't be bought or replaced. Once you break it, it's not easily repaired."
"Well, you're lucky it all worked out for you. You were forgiven by the one person who didn't have any reason to forgive you." Why can't you do the same for me? We're not so different. The door opens and I get up nervously. I think it's Kate but it's not. I'm relieved when I see it's my father. I'm not ready to see her yet, it's too soon. The wounds are still exposed and open. I'm afraid of the blood bath if we're in the same room.
My relief is short lived. When he sees me his face changes. My mother stands and goes over to him.
"Cat and I were talking."
"Is she still talking to her sister's ex-fiancé?"
Wow. Cold room. I see I'm not going to be forgiven today, maybe never. "I was just leaving. Bye." I get my bag and walk past them. My father puts his hand on my arm. I stop and look up at him hopefully with tears in my eyes. I think he's going to say something to me but he doesn't. He lets my arm go and walks past me. A chill runs through me. I close my eyes, hold my head high, and keep on walking right through the door.
Happy New Year!
I needed this. Ava is jumping around in her bra flash dancing with Matt and Chloe. It's hysterical, it's an hour left till the New Year ball drops and they're already drunk. Any minute now I expect the police to knock down the door. It's like time square in here with all the noise they're making. Chloe is so gone she almost falls off the kitchen table but luckily Matt catches her and breaks her fall. I run over to them with a roll of paper towel to wipe up all the champagne she's spilling and to make sure she didn't break her neck.
"Are you okay?"
Matt is holding her in his arms like a baby with a silly grin on his face. She's nuzzling his neck like a cat.
"She's fine, I got her."
"I can see that."
He gives me a sheepish look and I smile.
"Cat, this party rocks," Chloe slurs. She runs her hand up Matt's face, throws her head back and kicks her four-inch blue suede-booted foot that matches the streaks in her hair up in the air. "We should do this every night."
Matt winks at me while Chloe finishes fondling him. "Yeah, Cat, we should do this every night. I'm game if you are."
"Yeah! I'm all for it," Ava shouts from across the room where she's dancing up a storm.
I'm the only voice of reason here as usual. "No. I like having a place to live. Your drunk asses are going to have us arrested before the New Year gets here for disturbing the peace."
"I don't care where I'm at at midnight as long as I get to kiss your pretty lips."
"I think you have your hands full already, Casanova. Put her in the spare bedroom and make sure she doesn't get anything else to drink."
I clean up the mess on the floor and table, pour myself a glass of champagne, and dance my way over to Ava. She's singing a Pitbull song loud as ever, totally off key.
"Cat, I told you I would find a way to end the year and ring in the new with a bang."
"Yes, you did."
"Yeah, you were right. I needed this to get my mind off the drama."
"I am always right, don't forget it."
We hold hands and dance around the room with our drinks slushing around in our glasses. Matt comes out of the room, puts his hand around my waist, and tips my glass back up to his lips and takes a drink. I laugh and pull it away from his mouth with mock outrage. "Hey, get your own this is mine."
"Why would I get my own when yours tastes so much better? I know for a fact everything on you tastes so much better."
He wiggles his eyebrows at me and I feel my cheeks heat up. He pulls me in tight from behind with his hand pressed against my stomach. I should pull away but why should I? I'm single, free, and unattached. Besides, there's nothing wrong with a little flirting.
Ava dances away from us over to the bathroom. Matt spins me out of his arms after he takes my drink and finishes it off, throwing the empty glass over his shoulder into the fireplace in one perfect shot. I laugh and throw my head back. He spins me again with a big cheesy grin on his face. I feel like a spinning top I'm getting dizzy from all the spinning. I throw my arms around his neck and hold on tight so he doesn't have a chance to spin me out again. He is a really good-looking guy. Especially when you get this close.
"Isn't there a hot girl you want to ring the New Year's in with, with a sizzling New Year's kiss?"
"Yeah, she's the hottest girl I know."
"So what are you doing here? Why are you not with her?"
"I am. She's right here in my arms where she belongs."
"That's very sweet of you to say. You're making me blush, stop it." I pull out of his arms and flop down in the couch and turn up the TV. Matt sits next to me and we watch Ryan Seacrest. Ava comes out of the bathroom and flops down on the couch with us and throws her long legs over Matt's lap. He looks at me and we shake our heads in unison. He lowers his voice so only I can hear.
"I wouldn't mind if you had your legs wrapped around me."
I hold my finger up to him and bite my lip. "Behave yourself, friend, or I'm going to have your friendship application revoked."
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