"I'll try but you make it hard. I mean, very hard. Hard as a rock. Stiff, very stiff."
"Shut up, I'm going to put you out."
"Ava sits forward and looks at us suspiciously. "What are you whispering about over there?"
We turn to the TV and say at the same time, "Nothing." She looks at us and smiles. "Hmm hmm."
Five minutes before the ball drops, Chloe saunters out of the bedroom and we fill our glasses full of champagne and wait for the countdown to start. I can't wait for the new year to start. A fresh new start in the new year. Forget about all the drama of the past year, put it all behind me and try to find a little bit of happiness with myself. I already made my peace with the decision I made. Nick and I can never be together. It's for the best; he is my greatest and only love and more than anything in this world I wish we could be together but we can't. Too many things have happened, too many people have been hurt by us being together, hell, a life was lost. This year was truly the best and worst year of my life. I've never cried so much and felt so alone. I can't wait till it's over, goodbye to the old, hello to the new and hopefully drama-free new year.
"Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, Happy New Year!"
We all shout and scream. We hug and kiss, our glasses clinking against each other. The ball drops and we are in a new year. Matt spins around and before I know it his lips are on mine and we're locked in a kiss, his tongue in my mouth. I'm momentarily stunned because it caught me off guard but it's nice. He pulls back and gives me a lighter kiss on the lips. Ava and Chloe look at us and start oohing. We separate and continue our celebration of dancing and drinking the night away with triple chocolate layer cake and my favorite champagne, pink of course."
Before the sun comes up, long after Ava and Chloe fall asleep passed out on the couch, Matt and I sit on my bed against the headboard and talk.
"So, what did you think about the kiss?" Matt asks.
He takes my hand and holds it in his.
"The kiss was nice."
"Was that it, just nice? Man, I'm in trouble if that's all it was."
"You know what I mean. It was good."
"It was good but what? I hear 'but' in there somewhere."
I don't want to lie to him. We're friends, but I also know he wants more and I'm in no position to give more of anything. I have to be honest with him.
"Come on, Cat, what is it? You can tell me. I promise you won't hurt my feelings."
"It's not you, it's me."
"Are you really giving me this line? I tell you to be honest with me and you're giving me a cheesy blow off cliché line?"
"No! You didn't let me finish."
"I hope you finish better than how you started."
I put my head down on his shoulder and laugh and he laughs with me. "Okay, let me start over."
"Yes, please."
I play with his fingers and brush my thumb across the back of his hand. "I can't be more than your friend. I can't give you what you want until I can get him out of my mind and heart. I don't have a clue when that will happen, I wish I did."
"I know. I wish I could be the man to make you forget all about him. To make you smile. Why did you have to fall for him?"
"I don't know. It's always been him. I had no control over it."
"Damn golden boy. He doesn't know how lucky he is. You deserve better."
"You think so?"
"I know so. You deserve a man who will put your needs first. One who can see how special you are. A man who will put a smile on your pretty face, not misery and doubt in your heart. That's what you deserve, to be loved right. I would like to be that man for you."
"So would I."
"But like you said, that space in your heart is already taken."
Sad but true. He sinks down on my bed. I sink down beside him and I put my head on his chest. He puts his arm around me. I listen to the sounds of a new year in Manhattan breathing silently in the dark room and fall asleep.
Nick
What the hell is he doing here? I cross the street and come face to face with Matt.
"Look who's here. Is Cat expecting you? I don't remember her telling me you were invited to the party."
I can't stand this guy. I can't believe we were ever friends. "Move."
"Don't get all worked up, Nick, I'm leaving. I got things to do. Go home, take a shower, wash my ass. You know how it is when you spend the night with a special lady. We were up all night. I didn't want to wake her, she needs the rest."
I want to wrap my hand around his neck and rip his motherfucking throat out.
"If I were you, I'd take it easy, Nick, you don't look too good. You look like you're about to explode. I can swing back upstairs and get you something."
I step up to him my fists clenched inches away from him ready to knock his head off. "I'm only going to say this once, stay the hell away from her. I don't want her getting hurt; you know what I'm talking about."
"Are you serious? How about you stay the hell away from her, you're the one hurting her. You fucked up her relationship with her family, now she's hurting and alone. If I can make her feel better, I'm not going anywhere."
"She doesn't need you. She doesn't want you, you're the substitute. You will always be second choice, like in high school and now. She loves me and she's going to be with me. You can't cut it."
Watching me with his hand curled into fists, he steps closer, almost touching me. "You don't deserve her, you broke her heart. I hope she never takes your sorry ass back. But chances are she will. A guy like you is like a drug to girls like Cat. They can't help themselves, you're a bad habit they can't kick without help. They have to keep going back for more until they're tired, drained, and broken down. If she ever breaks her addiction, I'll be there in a heartbeat."
He brushes past me with his shoulder and walks down the street. I go upstairs mad as ever. I want to slam my fist through the wall. In the back of my mind I know what he said was true. But I can't let her go; she is as much of an addiction to me as I am to her. I hope neither one of us ever recovers. The best damn high I ever had was with her.
I knock on the door. I hear Cat's voice come through right before she opens it and sees me.
"I knew you couldn't stay away from my bed. I wasn't expecting you to be back so soon. At least give me a chance to take a shower." Her voice falters and the smile on her face changes to surprise when she sees it's me, not Matt returning for a repeat performance of whatever they were doing in her bed. I want to put my fist through the door, better yet, knock Matt's teeth clean out of his mouth.
"Nick!" Her eyes shift around me nervously like she's looking to see someone else.
"I guess I'm not the person you expected to see?" I take a good look at what she's not wearing. "Where are the rest of your clothes?" All she has on is an open sleep shirt, her bra and panties.
"What are you doing here?"
I don't wait for her to invite me in, I know she probably won't. I walk past her standing at the door. She closes it and walks past me.
"You fucked him, didn't you?" I'm not asking a question. I don't care how upset she gets. She needs to put some damn clothes on. What the hell is she thinking spending the night with that guy?
"I'm not even going to acknowledge that question with an answer. That's none of your business."
"Isn't it? I came here to see you and this is what I see." I look around the room reeking of alcohol, and everything she's not wearing. "You need to put some goddamn clothes on, that's the first freaking thing you need to do before you answer the door." I didn't come here to argue but what the hell is she doing? I can't believe she would sleep with him, again. No! I don't want to believe it.
She folds her hands around her waist to close her shirt. "Don't come in here and tell me what to do. We are not together. I don't need you to come into my home and tell me what's appropriate for me to do."
"What the hell are you doing? You think having sex with Matt is going to help you for
get about me? He's not half the man I am. If you're going to sleep around, you can do better than that. If you sleep with trash, you're going to start acting like cheap trash."
She spins around, one of her hands covering her mouth. Turning back around she drops her hands at her sides, her eyes shining bright with her anger.
"Is this what you came here for? What do you want from me, Nick? You came here for something. Do you want to be my boyfriend or to be friends with extra added perks like me and Matt, or just sleep with me like you did with my sister?"
She drops her shirt to the floor and walks up to me in her bra and panty. "Come on, Nick, tell me what you want. Matt did and I gave it to him. I really gave it to him good."
She's playing games with the wrong fucking man. I lose my temper, grab her by her forearm and yank her against my chest. "Put your damn clothes on!" I say between clenched teeth, chest heaving in my anger. She tries to pull her arm free but I hold on tight. Both of our eyes flash bright with our anger, you can almost see sparks flying off the both of us.
"Don't tell me what the hell to do, Nick. You don't have the right to tell me anything." She pulls her arm out of my hand so hard her arm is turning red. "If I want to get drunk and sleep with every man in this building, I can and I will. After all, you get to sleep with whoever you want to without regard to anyone else. When you do it you're just another man living his life, so why is it so different for me?"
"No one wants to make a slut a wife. From where I'm standing you're acting like one, you're on your way there fast."
The tears roll down her eyes and I'm instantly sorry. Damn, this wasn't supposed to happen. Seeing Matt… Her coming to the door practically naked talking about giving him what he wanted pushed all the wrong fucking buttons in me.
"Cat, I'm sorry."
She wipes the tears away with the back of her hand furiously and brushes a lock of her hair out of her face. "Thank you. You can leave now."
"Cat, I don't want to leave here like this."
"You know what I want?" She holds her fisted hand in the middle of her chest like she's choking, gasping for air. "You want to know what I want?"
"Anything, what?"
"I want a man who didn't fuck my sister and got her pregnant!" She screams every single word at me across the room. "That's what I want, can you give that to me?"
The one thing I can never give to her. If I could take it all back, I would.
"I didn't think so. I'm over this shit, get the fuck out."
She goes to her room, slams the door and shuts me out completely. I'm fucked!
Ava comes out of her room at the same time I send a chair flying across the room with my foot. I watch it shatter into pieces. "I need to talk to her."
"I think you've both said enough. You should leave. You have murder in your eyes, I'm afraid you might attack her."
"What?" I swing my head around and look at her. "I'm not going to attack anyone. Especially not Cat."
"I know, but these days you've been prone to outbursts of violence."
She rubs her hand across my shoulder when she tilts her head to the side and looks into my face.
"I love both of you. But I'm not sure if it's a good idea for you two to be together if this is what it's going to do to you. She's a hot-ass mess. She doesn't know whether she's coming or going, and you, honey, you're just out of control. Baby, rein it in and take a step back."
Take a step back. I've been stepping back for years. This is the reason we are where we are now. "What if I don't want to take a step back, Ava?"
"Then you run the risk of losing her forever in every way."
I'm not willing to take that risk. She's the one person I can't imagine not being in my life. This is going to be one of the hardest things I do in my life. I'm going to walk away for now so she can find what she needs, and hope she'll come back to me.
"Keep me posted on her. Let me know how she's doing."
"I will." Ava rises up and kisses me on the cheek. "I love you."
I nod and walk toward the door. "I'm glad someone does." I'm sure as hell not loving me.
January
Ten thirty on a Thursday night and I can't get a damn thing done. I throw the papers down on my desk and get a beer in the kitchen. I'm trying my hardest not to think about her, but it's not working, she's all I can think about. Fuck this. I pick up my phone and call the one person who might be able to get my mind off Cat for a while.
She picks up and her voice purrs through the phone silky and sultry.
"Hi, Nick."
"Hey, Paige."
"This call mean you're done with the plaything and you're ready for the real thing?"
"I don't have time for the bullshit, Paige. Are you coming over or not?" I'm not interested in small talk especially about the one person I'm trying to put out of my mind. There's a long pause before she answers. I think she's going to say no and that would be fine. There is always someone else to take her place.
"I'll be there within the hour."
Less than an hour later she's in my apartment and in my bed completely naked.
"Will I be spending the night?"
"This is not a sleepover. It is what it is. We're going to fuck, if it's still good, we might fuck again then you're going to take everything you brought with you and leave until next time. Got it?"
"Got it."
"Good." She makes a pouty face when she looks at me. I know she wants to say something, she's working up to it. Paige is a beautiful woman, her face and body is the stuff teenage boys dreams are made of for sure and she has a sex drive that gives me a run for my money.
"You used to be so much nicer to me." She runs her finger over my lips and wiggles her body underneath me.
"Yeah, well, things change. You know why. You're free to spread yourself around; this is a no-strings attached thing. Open up." She smiles and parts her legs and I settle into familiar territory.
"Yes, counselor, as you wish."
I kiss her hard and delve in her mouth deep. She moans and scrapes her nails across my back while she moves under me when my hands cover her ample breasts and tweak her nipples between my fingers. She makes a little screaming sound in the back of her throat. I put my hand between her legs to make sure she's wet and ready for me; she says my name against my ear. I look down at her flawless curvaceous body ready and waiting for me. I know of at least fifteen men who wish they were where I am right now, between her legs hot and ready for me. All I'm thinking is I wish she would shut up and stop saying my name. It doesn't sound genuinely natural like when… man, stop, don't even think about her now or you won't be able to do this. She pulls my head down against her mouth and asks me what's wrong. I grab her face roughly and kiss her with all the force I can and reach over to get a condom. Her lip is swollen and red when I pull back. She's breathing hard and I ask, "Are you still on the pill?"
"Yes. Why?"
"Just making sure." The last thing I need is another Kate situation on my hand. Paige is not the motherly type, her career is her baby. She used to say she wanted one kid in ten years and that was cool with me. I rip the gold packet open with my teeth and roll it on. As I'm about to slide into her I see the other packet on the night stand. I grab it and roll it on, I'm not taking any chances. She gives me a strange look.
"When did you get so safety conscious? You know I don't sleep around and I wouldn't try to trap you with a kid."
"Relax, I know. I'm extra safe if I'm not in a relationship."
I had enough talking. I pin her hands to the bed slamming into her, her breasts bounce up and she bucks back with a scream when I pull out and slam back into her with more force than before. I'm lost in the moment and trying to forget Cat I don't care if she is getting anything out of this or how hard or fast I'm pounding into her. What the hell, she knew what it was when she came here, when I'm done she can finish herself off.
When I'm finished I roll off her, and drop back on the bed with my eyes closed. "Shit," I mutter under
my breath. Sweat running off me, my lungs are on fire. Paige is lying on her side next to me glowing with perspiration and breathing like a race horse.
"Damn, Nick, that was, a rough ride. I'm not complaining, you know I like to play hard and wild."
I remember. I used to think I could never find another person that could match me or satisfy me like Paige. I was wrong. I see Cat's face behind my closed eyes and I feel no better now than I did an hour ago. Dammit, I think I'm having buyer's remorse; more like fuck remorse. Paige puts her hand on my stomach and I almost jump off the freaking bed to get away from her touch before her hand goes any lower. She lurches up with concern, her breasts bouncing up with her.
"Are you okay?"
I clear my throat and go to the bathroom. "Yeah, I'm going to get rid of these." I point to the condoms. I look back over my shoulder at her; she's looking at me when I close the bathroom door. Paige is sexy, ready and willing for anything I want to do. I should be gearing up for round two. But honest to God, all I can think of is Cat, she's not Cat. She can't make me forget what it feels like when I'm with her. How it feels like heaven when I'm inside her, feeling her softness all around me and the sound of her voice, looking in her eyes when she reaches the point of no return.
After that night, I hooked up with Paige three more times. I realized she was a poor substitute for the person I really wanted. It's depressing as hell because she doesn't want a thing to do with me and there is nothing I can do to change her mind.
There is no substitute for Cat, she is an original. The original love of my life.
Imperfections
(Come to Light)
Book Two Coming
September 13, 2015
To my readers, who took a chance on this new author:
Imperfections—we all have them; we may not like them, but sometimes, those imperfections teach us and mold us into the people we are today. Embrace them and help them make you who you want to become today, tomorrow, and everyday thereafter.
Imperfections Page 40