Death & Co.

by D. J. McCune

Adam snorted. ‘Yeah, imagine getting to make French toast all day every day. What a brilliant way to spend your life.’

  Luc grinned. ‘I don’t make it actually. Chloe’s best at it. She makes it and I eat it.’

  Adam rolled his eyes. ‘Don’t you ever get bored?’

  Luc paused and frowned. He’d clearly never thought about it before. ‘Of course I don’t get bored. I haven’t got time to be bored.’

  ‘But what do you do all day?’ Adam persisted. Suddenly he really wanted to know. After all, maybe he was the idiot. Maybe Luc got to spend all day doing really cool things in between call-outs while Adam slogged through English and history.

  A shifty expression came over Luc’s face. ‘This and that. Places to go, people to see – you know?’

  Adam didn’t know but he wasn’t going to admit that to Luc. It was something of an enigma, how Luc managed to seem so at ease in his Luman life and the ‘normal’ world. Certainly he spent most of his free time out and about, but no one ever knew what he was up to. Knowing Luc, whatever he was doing he was having a good time. ‘Don’t you ever feel like you’re just wasting your life?’

  For the first time Luc looked stung – not to mention incredulous. ‘We’re Lumen! We’re doing what we’re born to do! Do you reckon the dead think we’re wasting our time when they’re standing there lost, wondering what the hell’s going on?’ He shook his head, looking disgusted. ‘The rest of us do fine. You’re the one spending your life with your face in a pile of books. If anyone is wasting their life it’s you.’

  Adam felt his fists clench. ‘Those books are going to help me save people’s lives.’

  Luc laughed without malice. ‘Everybody dies, Adam. You’re just delaying the inevitable. And that’s why we’ll never be out of business. Best job in the world.’

  Adam gave up trying to talk to him. The problem with his family was that they all thought life revolved around death. He smeared chocolate spread on his toast and tried to plan what he was going to say to Melissa. How angry was she going to be on a scale of one to ten … ?

  Luc interrupted his thoughts. ‘Oh, Mother said don’t make any plans for Saturday night – not that you ever have any. She’s having a dinner party and we all have to be there.’ He adopted hushed, dramatic tones. ‘The Concilium are honouring us with their presence!’

  Adam’s heart sank. Brilliant. Just as he had started breaking Luman law, the Luman law-enforcement authority had decided to pay a visit. Of course there was no reason why they should know anything about what he had been doing. Nathanial was High Luman so the Concilium visited at least once a year, as a courtesy. Elise always got in a flap but it gave her an excuse to buy a new dress and show off some fiendishly difficult recipe.

  Luc was still talking. ‘They’ll probably start fishing to see who Chloe’s going to be betrothed to.’

  Adam nodded without speaking. The whole betrothal thing freaked him out. There was something so medieval about it all – and yet he could understand the logic behind it. It kept the Luman families united, especially the most powerful and prosperous. It stopped turf wars over souls and Keystones and meant that Luman children grew up knowing they were part of a global network of Lumen. It gave them a place in the world.

  Everyone had a place in the world – apart from him. He chewed through the last bite of banana, throwing a surreptitious glance at Luc, who was still happily devouring his French toast. Why couldn’t he be happy with what he had, just like Luc? He could stay here all day, playing computer games or watching TV or taking the dogs out. Maybe he would even find out how Luc whiled away the hours.

  As if Luc was reading his mind he spoke. ‘Look, if you want to stay home today, I suppose you could come out with me. Just going to meet a few friends but they probably wouldn’t mind if you tagged along.’ He rubbed his hands together. ‘Got a few things lined up for this afternoon if there aren’t any call-outs.’

  Adam wavered for a second, tempted. He was curious about how Luc spent a typical day – who he hung out with, how he knew them, what they got up to … It had to be more interesting than geography! But at last his conscience won and he stood up with a sigh. ‘No thanks. I’m going to go and stick my face in some books. And then some day, when you come off the motorbike you’re not supposed to have, I’ll sew your leg back on. You can thank me then.’

  Adam arrived at school just in time for the start of break. To his mingled disappointment and relief there was no sign of Melissa. She was probably with her friends, telling them all what a loser he was …

  As he jogged along the corridors he noticed the atmosphere in school was different. There was a kind of near-hysteria in the air. People were cackling and talking too loudly. He noticed two boys in his year pretending to declaim something, while the crowd around them collapsed with laughter. It was only when he reached the library and found his friends that he realised what had happened.

  Dan stood up so fast that his chair fell over and thunked onto the carpet. ‘You missed it! How could you miss it?’

  Adam stared at their disapproving faces in bewilderment. ‘Miss what?’

  Archie shook his head in disbelief. ‘You missed assembly!’

  ‘Oh … right,’ he mumbled, trying to sound disappointed. ‘Yeah, you know, dentist.’

  Spike gave him a suspicious look. ‘You missed the chance to see The Bulb’s humiliation so you could go to the dentist?’

  Adam’s eyes widened. ‘I forgot,’ he said, knowing they wouldn’t believe him. Only something serious could make you forget that your psycho head teacher was going to humiliate himself in front of the whole school. Something major, like a bloody massacre in West Africa …

  Dan cut in. ‘It was amazing. No other word.’ He slumped back in his now upright chair, expression blissful. ‘It was kind of like … spiritual.’

  They fell silent, faces rapt. After a moment Adam cleared his throat. ‘So he actually did it then?’

  Spike grinned. ‘Oh yes. And luckily for you, we recorded it for posterity.’

  Dan produced what looked like a fancy pen. ‘I brought my dad’s spy camera. We were just about to hook it up.’

  Adam almost asked why anyone’s dad would want a spy camera but decided now wasn’t the time. They didn’t call Dan’s dad the Dark Lord for nothing … He watched Spike attach a cable to the pen and connect it to his laptop. A moment later a wobbly image appeared on the screen – a sea of heads, a stage and The Bulb striding to his lectern. The camera swivelled wildly from side to side, making Adam feel seasick.

  Dan shifted in his chair. ‘Takes a bit of getting used to.’

  The figure on the screen suddenly jumped closer – Dan had obviously discovered the zoom button. The Bulb stared down at the teachers and pupils below with an unusually benign expression. Something that might have been a smile crept across his lips. For some reason it made him more terrifying, rather than less so and a swift silence fell in the hall.

  The Bulb cleared his throat. ‘All of you know that before I became a teacher I was a professional sportsman. A wrestler!’ The word rolled off his tongue with such relish that Adam shivered. ‘However, this doesn’t mean that I don’t have a sensitive side. Au contraire, I consider myself something of a poet! And today I have decided to share some of my musings with you all.’

  Adam held his breath, not quite sure what he was going to see. The Bulb stared around the hall and then in a fit of daring pulled his tie down and tore it over his head. He rolled up his sleeves and undid his top button. And then The Bulb began.

  The next few minutes passed in a blur, literally. Tears were pouring down Adam’s cheeks. He could barely see. Somehow Dan ended up on the floor in a ball, convulsed with laughter. Archie clutched onto the nearest bookshelf, doubled over, hiccupping weakly. Only Spike watched the whole thing with a tight little smile, but his eyes blazed with triumph.

  On screen The Bulb finally came to a stop. His expression was one of benevolent pride. Clearly he was delighted wi
th his performance. Adam wasn’t quite sure how. Even from the tinny laptop speakers it was clear that every pupil in the Hall was laughing hysterically. Off screen he could hear the sound of someone retching. Maybe from where The Bulb was standing it sounded like cheering.

  Dan managed to crawl onto his knees. ‘I think my favourite one was the Ode to Lumpton.’ He held one hand up in the air and stared at the ceiling, rapt. ‘The great wedge of your beautiful bosoms! Your luscious lips! Your succulent smile!’

  Archie was still gasping, having run out of oxygen for anything more. ‘Nah, the wrestling one was better. Especially that bit about “the sweaty grapple of your naked flesh”.’

  Adam shook his head. ‘I can’t believe he did it. He actually did it!’ His spirits lifted just a little.

  Archie grinned. ‘He didn’t just do it, he loved doing it! He emailed the sensei straight afterwards to brag about it.’

  ‘So we set him another little job.’ Dan gloated.

  Adam felt a momentary twinge of guilt. ‘Isn’t the poem enough? I mean, he’s made a tit of himself, even if he doesn’t realise it.’

  Spike rolled his eyes. ‘Oh, don’t worry, your Holiness, we made it easy. We told him to show love to an enemy. And since we’re his enemies it might work to our advantage.’

  Adam grinned. He was glad now that he had come into school. It was a symbol of everything he wanted – the chance to have a normal life, just like everyone else. Luc didn’t know what he was missing!

  Spike kept his expression neutral. ‘So … Heard you had a date last night. How did it go?’

  Adam sighed, the good feelings abandoning him. ‘It didn’t. Well, I didn’t. I couldn’t go.’

  Archie winced. ‘Ah. That explains a lot.’

  Adam’s heart skittered. ‘What do you mean?’

  Archie pasted on a very fake smile. ‘Oh, nothing to worry about. I just heard Melissa’s friends slagging you off this morning but I’m sure once you’ve explained …’ He tailed off, looking at the others for help.

  It was Dan who piped up, with his own particular talent for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. He turned to Spike. ‘You fancied Melissa for ages, didn’t you?’

  Spike drew back and something unreadable crossed his face. ‘No I didn’t!’

  Dan persisted, as only Dan could. ‘You did so! You kept searching for her online! And you used to hang around outside the art room when she was in there at lunch – ouch!’ He glared at Spike and rubbed his arm. ‘I’m only saying!’

  The bell rang, cutting through the awkward silence that had suddenly fallen. Adam glanced at Spike, who was apparently absorbed in packing up his laptop. He wasn’t quite sure what to say. Spike had never said anything about Melissa but then he wouldn’t. He liked to pretend that he was above normal human emotions. Adam struggled to think of something to ease the tension. ‘Well, cheer up. I’ve pretty much blown it.’

  Spike shot him a cool glance. ‘You do whatever you want, mate. I’m not interested. Never have been, never will be.’ He tucked his laptop under his arm, walking away before anyone could follow him.

  Dan grinned. ‘What did I tell you? He totally fancies her!’

  Adam kept his eyes peeled for Melissa all day, even though the cowardly part of him felt like hiding under a table rather than having to explain himself. Dan’s revelation about Spike was worrying him too. He didn’t want to fall out with Spike – he was one of his best friends – but why hadn’t he said anything before? What were the rules in this situation? Was he supposed to back off – or did he get the girl because he had made the first move? It was frustrating.

  It was after lunch before he saw her. He was still fretting about things when he saw Melissa walking along the corridor ahead of him. His heart skipped a beat but he knew it was probably better to get the conversation over with. He called her name quickly, before he could chicken out. ‘Melissa!’

  She turned round but her face became a mask when she saw him. ‘Oh. Hello.’

  ‘Can I talk to you for a minute?’ Adam saw she was about to make an excuse so he cut in quickly before she could walk away. ‘Look, I’m really, really sorry about last night. I would never have done that if I didn’t have to do. I was really looking forward to seeing you.’

  She shrugged but her expression thawed a little. ‘So what happened?’

  Adam had considered a variety of explanations, ranging from the heroic (‘I saved an old lady from robbers!’) to the pathetic (‘My mum wouldn’t let me go out!’). In the end he had decided to go with something half-truthful. ‘We had kind of a family thing. Like, an emergency.’

  She raised an eyebrow. ‘You could have texted.’

  ‘I got home really late and I ran out of credit,’ he mumbled. It sounded weak but plausible.

  Maybe it was his hangdog expression that convinced her in the end. She sighed. ‘OK, whatever.’

  She was turning and walking away. Adam felt a moment of panic and cursed his own stupidity. He hadn’t really planned this far ahead. All right, she hadn’t punched him in the nose but she hadn’t exactly thrown herself into his arms either – not that he would have known what to do with her if she had. He cleared his throat. ‘We could do it another night!’

  She seemed to rotate on the spot until she was staring at him incredulously. ‘What, I could hang about waiting for you? We never “did it” the first time.’

  Adam resisted the urge to bang his forehead on the corridor wall. ‘I know. But I did really want to. It was just … something came up. I couldn’t get out of it.’ He wished he could fall on his knees and pour out the whole sorry tale. Maybe then she would take pity on him, instead of looking at him like he was a slug.

  Melissa shrugged. ‘Well, it would have been nice but don’t worry about it.’

  ‘But we could go out another time. Maybe tonight?’

  ‘I’ve got loads of homework tonight,’ Melissa said. She didn’t look too upset about it.

  ‘Well, what about Saturday?’ Adam stopped, stupefied by his own daring.

  Melissa shook her head. ‘I work Saturdays.’

  ‘Tomorrow then,’ he blurted out, past caring if he sounded like some desperate stalker type. ‘Tomorrow night, if you haven’t got anything planned.’

  Melissa stared at him. Her expression was unreadable. ‘I don’t usually go out on Friday night. I have to be up early on Saturday for work.’

  ‘Well, maybe something quick. You know, just …’ He tailed off and froze. What did you do with a girl on a Friday night? His brain rewarded him with several images, all of which would have earned him a slap. He felt his cheeks flaming.

  She looked at him curiously. ‘You’re pretty keen for someone who stood me up. If you were me, would you go out with you tomorrow night?’

  Adam had to take a moment to translate what she was saying. ‘Probably not,’ he muttered. ‘But maybe I’d look at me and realise how much I wanted to go out and how sorry I was for messing things up.’

  Her eyes widened, a little startled at his honesty but she did smile. ‘Well … I guess we could get a quick coffee. I mean, you like coffee, don’t you?’

  ‘Yeah! I love it!’ Adam grinned at her, ignoring the voice in his head reminding him that coffee, like guiding souls, made him puke every time. He would have said he liked drinking cat sick if it meant she would give him another chance. ‘I can call at your house for you if you want?’

  ‘No,’ she said, too quickly. ‘I’ll meet you in Flip Street. There are some good places around there.’ She paused. ‘So I’ll see you about eight?’

  ‘Yeah, sure,’ Adam said, trying to look casual, humble and pleased all at the same time.

  ‘OK. And Adam …’ She narrowed her eyes but smiled a little. ‘If you’re not there tomorrow … Don’t bother asking a third time.’

  Adam grinned and watched her walking away. Yes! He was still in with a chance! He headed towards his next class with just a hint of a swagger in his step. He was almost ther
e when something seized his shoulder, twisted him and propelled him backwards. His head thwacked painfully into the wall and for a moment Adam saw stars. After his vision had cleared he found himself blinking up at Michael Bulber.

  ‘You’re Adam Mortson, aren’t you?’ The corridor appeared to have mysteriously emptied behind the Beast. He was taller than his father but equally broad. His eyes were the same eerie, pale blue but unlike The Bulb he had dark hair, cut close to his head. His hands were enormous and one of them was now twisting the front of Adam’s shirt.

  Adam cleared his throat. ‘Pleased to meet you.’

  Bulber smirked. ‘Likewise. I hear you know a friend of mine. Melissa Morgan?’

  Adam shrugged, or rather tried to. It was hard because the Beast was still clutching his shirt. ‘She’s in my class.’

  ‘But you’re not in hers. She’s out of your league.’ Bulber leaned closer to Adam. His breath smelled like tuna sandwiches. Adam resisted the urge to turn his head away. ‘She used to be my girlfriend. Maybe I’ll hook up with her again sometime – or maybe not. Either way, you keep away from her.’

  He gave Adam a little push, then let him go. He was already turning away, having delivered his warning. It had never occurred to him that Adam might have more to say on the subject. It had never occurred to Adam either but somehow he found his mouth open and words spilling out. ‘Why would I do that?’

  Michael Bulber paused mid-step and blinked, clearly wondering if he had imagined the small voice beside him. He swivelled sideways and stared at Adam. ‘Did you say something?’

  Adam tried to dig deep and find some courage. The Beast hadn’t sounded that scary before but now he was up close … ‘You heard me. Why would I stay away from Melissa? She’s not your girlfriend any more – if she ever was. I heard you just went out a couple of times.’

  Bulber laughed suddenly. For such a big guy he had oddly small, pointy teeth. ‘Do yourself a favour and stop talking.’

  Adam shrugged. ‘I’m just saying, you do—’ His words were cut off by Bulber’s hand grabbing his throat and pressing him back against the wall. Adam coughed and choked as the Beast glared into his eyes. Was the guy nuts? They were in the middle of a corridor! Someone could come along at any moment! Of course, Adam reflected with a sinking heart, it probably helped if your dad was the man who handed out the punishments …