Death & Co.

by D. J. McCune

  His head swam. It was unbelievable. He might actually have a girlfriend soon! A real-life girlfriend like a normal guy! All that stood between him and success was Luc’s goodwill.

  Luck was on his side. When he got home he could hear music thumping so loudly that the whole house seemed to be vibrating. There definitely weren’t any adults on the scene. Sure enough, when he walked into the den he found Luc lying on the sofa playing computer games, dance music hammering out around him. The noise was incredible. ‘I take it you’re home alone,’ Adam bellowed.

  Luc didn’t even glance in his direction, still shooting things with one hand, but he did turn the sound down to something approaching a normal level. ‘What?’

  ‘Nothing,’ Adam muttered. His question was answered. If Auntie Jo had been there she would have been watching her daytime soap operas. ‘Is Aron on call?’

  ‘Yeah, I was on last night.’ Luc paused his game and flung the controller down, yawning. ‘Father and I only had one call-out but it took a while. My guy wouldn’t believe he was actually dead. I had to make him jump up and down on his own body. He cried a bit but I made him see the funny side.’ He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms and slumped back against the sofa. ‘I couldn’t sleep.’

  Adam did some rapid calculations and tried to keep his tone casual. ‘So does that mean you’re off on Friday night?’

  Luc shrugged. ‘Unless something major happens.’ His eyes narrowed, his face suddenly suspicious. ‘Why, what’s it to you?’

  Adam hesitated. He had reached the moment of truth. If Luc decided not to help him it was game over. He didn’t want to tell him anything about Melissa – but did he really have a choice? He was relying on Luc’s pity. ‘I need your help with something.’

  Luc gave another enormous yawn. It wasn’t really the reaction Adam had been hoping for. ‘What exactly do you want me to do?’

  Adam stared at his feet. ‘There’s this girl –’ he began.

  With startling speed Luc leaped to his feet, clasped his hands to his bosom and pretended to hop up and down with excitement. ‘A girl! A girl! There’s a girl!’

  Adam scowled. This was going to be even worse than he had thought. Still, he needed Luc so he struggled on. ‘We’re supposed to be going out on Friday night – you know, because it’s Valentine’s Day.’

  Luc pretended to swoon back onto the sofa. ‘Well, I can give you a few tips but if you’re expecting me to give you any demos you’re out of luck.’

  Adam took a deep breath. ‘I need you to come with me. On the date.’ He tailed off at Luc’s stunned expression but forced himself to continue. ‘Not for the whole date, just the start of it. It won’t take long at all and then you can go and do whatever you want.’

  Luc raised an eyebrow. ‘I know you’re a bit of a non-starter with the ladies but I thought even you would realise the whole point of a date is that it’s just the two of you.’

  Adam slumped onto the arm of the sofa. ‘I know that. The problem is … where the date is happening.’ He paused, trying to figure out some way of saving his dignity – then gave up and blurted out, ‘I’m meeting her in Cryptique and I’ll never get in if you don’t help me!’

  Luc stared at him, then started to laugh. He laughed for a long time. Then he laughed a bit more. Finally, his mirth apparently sated, he lay back on the sofa and pillowed his head in his hands. ‘Dear, dear Adam, you are in a mess, aren’t you?’ He gave a little chortle of delight. ‘So let’s just imagine for one second that I was inclined to help you with this. What’s in it for me?’

  Adam pondered for a moment. ‘Erm … brotherly bonding?’

  Luc rolled his eyes. ‘Yeah, I’m not really feeling it, Adam. Try again.’

  Adam stared at him with a mixture of frustration and desperation. What could he offer Luc? He thought about his friends in school and the little trades they made with their siblings – help with homework, doing the dishes, repairing a bike. Luc didn’t need any of those things. Luc had his life exactly how he wanted it. There was nothing Adam could do that would make his life any better; nothing that he could offer that Luc didn’t already have. Every person who knew Luc was wrapped around his little finger …

  Except one. Like a spark igniting behind his eyes Adam saw one chance of convincing Luc without falling on his knees and begging. He hadn’t actually ruled that out but maybe there was another way. He pretended to sigh. ‘It’s OK. I knew you wouldn’t want to do it. It’s probably for the best anyway. I don’t want to be relying on you and then you not be able to go out at all on Friday. Then I’d be stuck.’

  Luc snorted. ‘Why wouldn’t I be able to go out? I mean, short of a tsunami or something –’

  ‘Oh, you know, just with Auntie Jo,’ Adam cut in. ‘I don’t know how she found out about the motorbike but –’

  ‘She what?!’ Luc was suddenly on his feet, goggle-eyed. ‘There’s no way she could know!’

  Adam pretended to frown. ‘Well, I thought that’s what it was about. She said something in the kitchen the other night about how she’d had enough of your disappearing acts and she was going to have a word with Father. She said nobody ever knows where you go or what you’re up to and you’re obviously hiding something. So she thought it was high time you got betrothed and stayed at home more.’

  The colour drained from Luc’s face and he stared at Adam glassy-eyed. ‘And what did you say?’

  Adam shrugged and fidgeted. ‘What could I say? It’s not like I’m ever out with you and she knows that. I suppose if we hung out a bit more it would be different. I mean, at least if I went out with you on Friday I could say everything was harmless enough. Or maybe you could take Auntie Jo out with you some night. She’d love it!’

  Luc gave him a beady stare. ‘This is all very convenient for you, isn’t it? Maybe I should go and discuss this with Auntie Jo myself.’

  Adam nodded, trying to keep his face serious. ‘Sometimes it’s better to get things out in the open. Just tell her the bike is totally safe. Let her get her worries off her chest before she speaks to Father.’

  Luc sighed. ‘No. I can’t risk it. She always knows everything! She’s like a witch!’ He rolled his eyes resentfully. ‘I guess I’m going to be your Valentine on Friday night.’ His face brightened. ‘At least your pathetic attempts at romance will give me a laugh.’

  Adam fought hard to stop himself doing a victory dance. ‘Great. Thanks.’

  Luc’s finger appeared in front of his face. ‘I haven’t finished yet. There will be terms and conditions. I’ll have to think about them but they will be numerous and non-negotiable.’

  ‘No problem,’ Adam said.

  ‘And what goes on tour stays on tour. You won’t see a thing. If anyone asks I drank lemonade and danced a bit. Then I came home and went to bed like a good boy, understand?’

  ‘Yes!’ Adam was starting to get nervous. What exactly did Luc do on a normal night out?

  Luc eyed him appraisingly. ‘You’re not much of a wingman but I guess you’ll have to do. I was going to Cryptique anyway.’

  ‘Should be a good night.’ Adam couldn’t believe how casual he sounded.

  Luc gave him a sharkish grin. ‘Oh, it’s a very good night. Valentine’s Day does something to girls. You’ll see. You’ll walk in there on Friday night and you’ll smell it in the air.’ His grin widened. ‘The sweet smell of desperation!’

  Adam shook his head. ‘You’re an incurable romantic.’ He considered his options, then realised he didn’t have any. He left Luc shooting things and headed upstairs. Sometimes you just had to play the hand you were dealt.

  Roll on Friday, he thought.

  Chapter 15

  Of course the weekend was a long way away. Adam found the rest of the week dragging by. He had mixed feelings about Friday. On the one hand if he made it he would get to see Melissa and wouldn’t have been killed by Michael Bulber. On the other hand … he would get to see Melissa – and after the last time he was determined to
get it right.

  He wished there was someone he could ask for help. Luc was the obvious choice but it had been embarrassing enough talking to him once. Besides, he didn’t trust Luc not to tell him some fairy tale just to get him into trouble. He had once persuaded Adam to give Elise a spider in a jewellery box for her birthday. Adam’s ears still rang at the memory …

  His friends were even more useless than he was. Archie’s ideal woman was a ninja in a bikini and only existed in his cartoon strips. Spike seemed above the whole romance thing, aside from occasional stalking, and Dan’s idea of the perfect woman had pointy ears and spoke Elvish. What were they going to be able to tell him?

  In spite of that, Dan and Archie’s enthusiasm was touching. Dan in particular was almost as excited about Adam’s date as Adam was himself. At lunchtime on Wednesday, Adam arrived to find their usual table in the library covered with an assortment of garish pink cards. The sound of frantic scrabbling emanated from underneath. He took a wary step sideways and found Dan pulling yet more cards out of his bag. ‘What are you doing?’

  Dan sat up so fast he cracked his head on the table. ‘Ouch! Doing what any friend would do – helping you get the girl! I brought some cards for you to choose from.’

  Adam blinked. ‘Cards for what?’

  Dan rolled his eyes. ‘For Valentine’s Day of course! You can’t go on a date with the fish if you haven’t got her a card!’

  Adam sighed. ‘Stop calling Melissa a fish!’

  Dan was beaming. ‘You landed the prize catch! But catching her was only the first step. Now you have to keep her hooked!’

  ‘Dan, it’s only one date –’

  ‘I wasn’t sure what she liked so I got a few different types.’

  ‘Yeah, just a few,’ Adam muttered. All the kittens and roses were making his eyes burn.

  Archie arrived whistling – then came to an abrupt stop. His whistle tailed off and he backed away, blinking. ‘Why is our table pink?’

  Dan scowled. ‘Stop whingeing and help Adam pick a card for his date.’

  Archie edged closer. He flicked through the nearest offerings with an expression of deep scepticism. ‘Have you gone off her, Adam? Because if you want rid of her one of these will do the job nicely.’ He picked up a card covered in frolicking pink chicks and clutched it to his chest. ‘Oh, Melissa, you are as cuddly-wuddly-fluffy as these chicklets! Come home with me to my girlie pink cave so I can shower you with rose petals and my own tears!’ He cackled at his own wit.

  Dan was getting angry now. ‘You didn’t even read it!’

  Archie rolled his eyes. ‘I didn’t have to! You may as well just stick a pink wig and some fake boobs on him! He can’t send her one of these!’

  Adam realised he should probably say something calming. ‘So, Dan, where did you get all these cards?’

  ‘My great-aunt used to have a card shop. We have boxes and boxes of her stuff in the house. Just because they’re a few years old …’

  ‘Well thanks but …’ Adam struggled to find a way of combining honesty and tact. ‘I’ll probably just have a look round the shops first. You know, see if anything jumps out.’

  ‘I could draw you one if you want,’ Archie volunteered. ‘It would definitely be personal then. Chicks dig personal.’

  Adam frowned. ‘What sort of card would you do?’

  ‘Depends what you want.’ Archie sat down, suddenly businesslike. He swept his arm across the table, clearing a space and opening his ever-present sketch pad. ‘I mean, you want to make your intentions pretty clear so you draw her … and you and some … other things.’ His pencil flew across the page and came to a standstill. ‘Voilà!’

  Adam and Dan stood stunned. It took Adam a minute to find his voice. ‘It’s … erm … only a second date, you know.’

  Dan was more direct. ‘You can’t send her a porno Valentine’s card! Give that to her and all you’ll get at the end of the night is a slap!’

  Archie glared at him. ‘Well, better that than her falling about laughing!’

  Adam stared at them helplessly. This was awful! Dan might have really poor taste in cards but at least he had thought about actually getting her one. Adam would have turned up at Cryptique empty-handed. ‘Do you think I should get her a present too?’

  ‘Of course!’ Dan said at the exact same moment that Archie said, ‘No way!’ They looked at each other accusingly and opened their mouths to speak at the same time. Archie got in first. ‘You don’t want to look desperate.’

  Dan looked at Adam with despair in his eyes. ‘You’re taking Melissa out on Valentine’s Day. You have to be a gentleman!’ He shook his head. ‘I bet you haven’t even started thinking about what you should wear. Maybe we should come round to your house and help you pick something.’

  Archie squinted at Dan for a long moment. ‘Are you sure you’re not an actual girl? Or have you just gone completely mental? Anyway, when have we ever been to Adam’s house?’

  Adam froze. He had been just about to make one of his tried and tested excuses. Now it sounded even weaker than usual. ‘Yeah, you can’t come round anyway. My mum wanted a new kitchen so the builders are in. You know, big extension.’

  ‘Again?’ Dan raised an eyebrow. ‘You always have builders in. Your house must be bigger than Buckingham Palace.’ He paused and tried to get back on track. ‘Anyway, forget about that. Think about the present. You need the present. Girls love that romantic stuff.’

  ‘Since when are you such an expert on girls?’ Spike had appeared behind them. ‘What are you doing?’

  Adam shifted from foot to foot. He still couldn’t figure out if Spike had ever liked Melissa. Dan could have been mistaken – but lurking outside the art room was classic Spike. He was always a bit obsessive about things.

  Dan as usual had no sense of when to stay quiet. ‘We’re helping Adam figure out what present to get Melissa.’

  ‘Glasses would be a good start,’ Spike said, then smiled in a way that didn’t quite reach his eyes. ‘Only joking, mate.’

  ‘You could get her art stuff,’ Archie chipped in. ‘She’s really into art. She likes manga too – she’s not bad. I mean, not as good as me obviously, but not bad.’

  ‘Very big of you to say so,’ Adam muttered.

  Spike was looking at the drawing and grinned. ‘I think you’re being a bit generous.’

  Adam’s patience had finally run out. ‘OK seriously, what is your problem?’ His temper, this new and dangerous thing, was once again bubbling just beneath the surface. There was something about the way Spike was sneering. It made Adam want to punch his stupid teeth down his stupid throat and sod the stupid consequences. ‘Melissa is really nice. If you want to go out with her, go ahead and ask. Just stop slagging her off.’

  Spike turned to him with a strange expression on his face, jaw set. ‘I’m not interested in her!’ A little bit of spittle flew out of his mouth. The air between them crackled and for some reason Adam’s thoughts flew back to Saturday night, the moment when Darian had insulted his father. A moment that could lead to violence …

  ‘Get her a toothbrush!’ Dan exclaimed, astonished at his own brilliance. ‘That’s it! It’s the perfect gift!’

  Adam and Spike blinked and the tension was broken. They turned in unison and stared at Dan, who was burbling on happily. ‘A toothbrush shows you care and if you snog her she’ll have minty fresh breath.’

  Spike rolled his eyes and held up his hands peaceably. ‘Look, I didn’t come here to start something. There’s something I thought you would like to see. Coming?’

  Adam exchanged glances with the others and shrugged. ‘Depends what it is.’

  Spike grinned. ‘Oh, believe me, you won’t want to miss this.’

  They followed him along the corridors. Bonehill was an old school and its layout was as eccentric as its founder. Sometimes the building was more like a maze than a school. As they walked their destination became clear.

  The Bulb’s office was on a glas
sy corridor opening into the quad, a large, stony area paved with cobbles and dotted with benches and tubs of flowers. In summer it would be packed – even Adam would desert the library – but at this time of year only a few diehards sat in the cold. Glass-lined corridors and doors ran along all four sides of the quad so The Bulb could step out of his office and survey not just the quad itself but the corridors beyond.

  They slouched on one of the outdoor benches and waited. Dan swallowed nervously. ‘Why have you brought us here? You know he hates us. It’s like being a rabbit and hopping up to a fox’s den.’

  Spike smiled. ‘Last period I was in the computer room so I thought I would check my email – or should I say the sensei’s email. Our friend The Bulb had been in touch. He’s been a bit reluctant to finish the job. He actually said no at first but the sensei sent him a few tantalising emails about all the ninja wrestling moves he’s going to learn and it must have convinced him. He decided that today was the day he would fulfil the sensei’s last command.’

  Archie dug into his pocket and whipped out a pencil. ‘I have a feeling I’m going to want to capture this for posterity.’

  Dan was rifling through his bag and swearing under his breath. ‘I knew I should have kept the spy pen camera with me!’

  ‘Ssssh!’ Spike commanded and flapped his hands in warning. ‘The door’s opening!’

  The Bulb emerged from his office and closed the door. He locked it and hesitated, looking up and down the corridor. Finally, he took a deep breath, pushing his shoulders back and thrusting out his chest. His mouth was moving a little, as if he was giving himself some kind of pep talk.

  ‘I can’t see his feet!’ Archie hissed. ‘The stupid flowerpots are blocking them!’

  Spike seemed unruffled. ‘Don’t worry. I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to chicken out.’

  He led them out the door on the far side of the quad and headed off down the music corridor, a mirror image of The Bulb’s corridor. Adam scuttled behind, feeling a mixture of guilt and excitement. This was it! If The Bulb really did this then they couldn’t ask for more. They should have been walking in parallel to him across the quad but at first there was no sign of him. They stopped and turned back towards his office. There he was, moving slowly with a strange bobbling motion, keeping one hand on the wall. Spike’s eyes glinted. ‘I think it’s safe to assume that he’s wearing heels.’