I found out that my parents had been contacted by dozens of reporters, both at home and at their workplaces. Local camera crews were camped out in front of their house at that very moment.
I think I apologized about a thousand times.
The only time I ever got angry was when my dad starting bashing Connor and calling him a scumbag. I defended him – of course I defended him! – which was precisely what I didn’t want to do. Not after my conversation with Sebastian last night.
After the phone call with my parents, which went on for a couple of years (in reality, 32 minutes exactly), I ordered up a bottle of wine and got ragingly drunk.
Sebastian waited until 8PM, after all his calls were finished, and then joined me.
54
I take it back, Connor did call on Friday. At 10:30 PM. While Sebastian and I were watching reruns of Glee. (He finally wore me down.)
Connor sounded tired. “Hey, how’s it going?”
The sound of his voice sobered me up by half. Of course, the other half was still pretty damn drunk.
“Fine,” I lied.
“Is that Connor?” Sebastian called from the bar where he was fixing something pink with maraschino cherries.
“Yes,” I shouted.
“Say hello to the jackass for me!” Sebastian snorted.
“Sebastian says ‘hello,’” I said, giving him the edited version.
“I heard him,” Connor said wryly. “Have you been drinking?”
“Yyyyup.”
He was silent for a few seconds.
“Lily – ”
“How did it go with the poli… politicians?” I slurred.
“Pretty well. Privately they all say they support me, but some of them are from pretty conservative districts where their constituents think anything solar is hippie-dippie Obama socialism. But when I bring out the checkbook, I notice they stop talking about their constituents. I’ve got most of the national guys for sure – they need a ton of money for their reelection campaigns, and even if my father doesn’t come after them, they have to worry about primary challengers. The state-level guys are pretty much in the bag, but you never know. The governor’s definitely onboard.”
“That’s great,” I said half-heartedly.
“And there’s no way I could have done this without you. Seriously, you made all of this possible.”
“Glad to help,” I said flippantly – because if I didn’t say it flippantly, it was going to come out morose.
He was silent for a few seconds more. I could hear the hesitation in his voice as he began.
“Look, I hate to go back on what I said to you, but – ”
Something savage came out in me.
“Then DON’T.”
He sounded surprised at the tone of my voice, but he still soldiered on with his eminently logical voice. “There are still some loose ends that need to – ”
“I talked to my parents today,” I interrupted.
He went silent for about five seconds.
“…how did that go?”
“Let’s just say that I never, ever want to have that conversation again.”
“…yeah, I guess not.”
“But you and me… you and I…” In my drunken state, I couldn’t quite figure out which was correct. “We need to have a conversation.”
I could hear him sigh. “Alright, shoot.”
“No. In person.”
“Okay… I should be able to get back Sunday – ”
“NO. Tomorrow. Like you promised.”
“I told you, I still have some loose ends to – ”
“You have a funny way of showing your appreciation to somebody who ‘made it all possible,’” I snapped.
At the bar, Sebastian made an Oooh, BURN! face.
I swear to God, though, Connor just chuckled. “So it’s like that, huh.”
“Yeah. It’s like that.”
“Calling in your outstanding debts?”
“I’m calling in about one percent of my outstanding debts,” I said harshly. “Not to mention it was a promise you made in the first place.”
Sebastian pumped his arms silently, the way a straight guy might if his favorite football team scored a touchdown.
Another long sigh from Connor. “I’ll be back tomorrow evening.”
“Thank you.” And I meant it.
“Good night, Lily. Get some rest.”
The patronizing way he said it – hey, little drunk girl, take better care of yourself – pissed me off.
“Ditto,” I said, and hung up the cell phone before he could respond.
“Ooh, girl, that was fierce,” Sebastian cackled as he plopped down on the sofa next to me with his drink.
“The Jackass says hello,” I muttered.
“You should have told him I said that. The jackass part, I mean.”
“He heard.”
“You’re going to talk to him tomorrow night?” Sebastian asked, raising one eyebrow.
“Yeah,” I confirmed half-heartedly.
“Whatever happens, I’m sure it’ll all work out,” he said, and patted my arm consolingly.
I looked over at him like What planet are YOU from?
“I’m supposed to say that by law, I think,” he slurred, then turned back to the TV. “Come on, press play, I want to watch Kurt and Blaine smooch.”
55
I woke up with a hangover, but not a horrible one. It was gone by noon – which gave me another eight hours before Connor walked through the door.
I showered by 1 PM and did my makeup and hair. After that I put on a sexy blue dress, hoping that might soften him up some.
I didn’t want to call and badger him about what time he would arrive, so I had Sebastian check on when the jet would land. When I found out it wouldn’t be until after seven, I called up room service and ate an early dinner – alone. Sebastian was still working like a maniac in the midst of a tornado of telephone calls.
When Connor finally did appear after eight, he looked tired. Drained. I was actually shocked at how weary he seemed.
He smiled at me – affectionately more than passionately – and walked over and hugged me close, kissing my forehead tenderly.
Not my lips.
When he was finished, he backed up and smiled down at me. “It’s good to see you.”
I smiled tightly, then nestled against his chest… and wondered if it might be the last time.
Johnny walked in after him, looking similarly worn out.
“Hey, Johnny.”
“Hey, Lily.”
“You alright?”
Johnny glared at his boss. “He doesn’t exactly make things easy.”
“No, he doesn’t,” I agreed.
“Any problems?” Connor asked Sebastian.
Sebastian was polite but cool. “None I can’t take care of.”
“Thanks for handling the Vaskolitz situation.”
Whatever that was.
“I live to serve,” Sebastian said, with just the slightest hint of snark.
We all stood around looking at each other.
“Well, it’s been a long day,” Connor announced.
“We’re leaving,” Sebastian said. On the way to the door, he gave me a glance like Good luck.
“Good night, Lily,” Johnny said.
“Good night,” I replied, a hint of sadness in my voice as he and Sebastian walked out.
Now Connor and I were alone.
56
“How was your trip?” I asked, playing the dutiful not-wife.
He sighed and settled down into the sofa. “I don’t think that’s really what you want to talk about, is it?”
No.
No, it wasn’t.
“Have you eaten yet?” I asked.
“Yes, on the plane,” Connor answered. “You?”
“I had something earlier… since I didn’t know when you would show up,” I said, trying (but failing) to keep the accusatory tone out of my voice.
We w
atched each other in silence.
It reminded me of the first night we’d spent here, before we played cards and he made me crawl towards him on the floor.
But whereas that silence had been a prelude to seduction, this was just painful, with no happy ending in sight.
Pun intended.
He sighed and settled back into the sofa. “Why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you?” Then he added, with a mixture of resentment and annoyance, “Seeing as you blackmailed me into coming back early.”
I laughed once, cold and bloodless. “I blackmailed you?”
He seemed to realize he’d gone too far. “Bad choice of words.”
“Bad choice of words,” I agreed. “Maybe a bad way of feeling about it, too.”
He stared at me. “What do you want, Lily?”
I was silent for a long time.
Then I decided, Fuck it.
“I want you to tell me you love me, and mean it.”
He watched me with emotionless eyes.
Then he closed them… leaned forward… and buried his face in his hands.
A little bit of me died when he did that.
“I was afraid of this,” he murmured.
“Afraid of what? That I believed you the last time you said it?”
He hung his head – but not like he was ashamed. Like he didn’t want to go to battle, but it was required of him, and he was marshalling all his strength.
Finally he looked up at me. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
He closed his eyes, wouldn’t look at me. “I said it too early.”
“You already told me that.”
“I don’t know what else to tell you, then.”
He stood up from the sofa and walked over to the bar, got out a glass and a bottle –
“Don’t,” I said.
He looked up. “Don’t what?”
“Don’t try to escape. Don’t use that – ”
I pointed at the alcohol.
“ – to get out of this.”
“I’m not – ”
“And don’t lie to yourself, either. I can already see through it.”
A flash of anger played across his face, and he put down the bottle. “Fine.” Then he threw out his hands. “What do you want from me?”
“I already told you.”
“Well, I can’t give that to you right now.”
My shoulders sagged. “Why not?”
“Why not?” He started to get angry – really angry. “Because I can’t, that’s why!”
I stood there, alone and afraid.
“Sebastian says it’s because you don’t like owing people, and subconsciously you feel like you owe me.”
“Oh, does he, now?” Connor asked sarcastically.
“And because you’re afraid I’ll hurt you like Miranda did.”
“Miranda didn’t hurt me,” he said coldly.
“Now we both know you’re lying,” I answered softly.
He looked away, his jaw clenched.
“I don’t want it to be like this,” I whispered.
He looked at me, stared deep into my eyes. “What do you want it to be like, then?”
“Like before Miranda showed up. Before all of this other crap happened.”
He softened. “So do I.”
“So why can’t it?”
He looked away again. “It’s just hard, that’s all.”
“What’s so hard about it?” I pleaded. “I love you. I want you to love me. That’s all there is to it.”
He sighed like he was hurting deep inside. “I do love you. But… I don’t know. Something’s different.”
“Yeah, twenty thousand reporters are asking you if you’re going to get married.”
He smiled a little and looked at me. “That might have something to do with it.”
“Ignore them.”
“I’m trying.”
“You’re good at not giving a damn what anyone else thinks – so why is this so hard?”
He closed his eyes and shook his head again. “I already told you, I said it too early.”
“And?”
“And… maybe Sebastian’s right. Maybe I am worried about opening myself up because of Miranda. But that’s not something I can control, Lily. I need time.”
“He says you think I’m your weakness,” I whispered.
He looked up at me and half-frowned, half-smiled, like he found the statement cute but obvious. “I already told you that, too.”
“And that you only want things that are a challenge to get. And once you have them, you’re not interested anymore.”
He was silent.
I looked at him, my tears welling up. “And since you know you can have me, totally and completely… I’m not a challenge to you anymore. So you don’t really want me as much. Not like you wanted Miranda.”
He stood up straight, his face enraged. “That’s a fucking lie!”
And I knew at that exact moment that it was true.
It wasn’t the whole issue… but added to everything else, it was a toxic witch’s brew.
And I knew what I had to do.
“Which is why I think it might be good if we… spent some time apart,” I whispered.
The anger drained from his face along with all the blood. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I don’t think you’re a hundred percent in this, and… and I don’t want anything less than your hundred percent,” I said, my voice quavering. “So… until you decide that what you want is me… and only me… maybe… we just shouldn’t see each other.”
He rounded the bar, his face drawn, his mouth tight. He walked up to me and put his hands on either side of my head and lifted my face to look him in the eyes.
“You don’t mean that,” he whispered.
I smiled, even though the tears were spilling down my cheeks. “Honestly, if it were just me, I’d take ninety percent, or eighty percent, or even less than that… but I think if I did that, you’d just… float away, eventually. You’re an all or nothing kind of guy, Connor. You’re only interested in things a hundred percent, or nothing at all. And I don’t want to wait around until I’m nothing.”
His face was tortured as he cradled my face in his hands. “You’re not nothing – you could never be nothing – ”
“But if you can find excuses not to be with me, in a time like this, then… I kind of already am.”
He shook his head. “That’s not true – God DAMN Sebastian – ”
I put a finger to his lips, quieting him. “Don’t blame Sebastian. He’s just calling it like he sees it… which is why you trust him.”
“But I – ”
He hesitated… and never finished the sentence.
I smiled ruefully. “I love you, too. But the difference is, I can say it.”
“I can say it,” he insisted.
“So say it.”
“I love you.”
It sounded mechanical. Lifeless.
Just words.
“I’d rather you not say it until you’re ready.”
“This is just a temporary setback, Lily,” he said, lapsing into business-speak. “This is just because of the stress – it’ll go away – ”
“And I’ll be waiting for you when it does. But until then… I don’t think we should see each other.”
He withdrew his hands from my face. Now he was truly angry. “This is what you do to me when things don’t go your way?”
“This is what I do to protect myself.”
“That’s what this is, ‘protecting’ yourself?”
“You’ve already broken my heart, Connor,” I whispered. “How much more of me do you want to break?”
He was quiet for a long, long time after that.
“I don’t,” he finally said.
“Then let me go. If you still want me, then come after me. And if you don’t… let me go.”
He put his hands on my shoulders and tilted his head towards me, reste
d his forehead against mine in anguish.
“I do want you.”
“Then a little time apart won’t make any difference.”
More silence.
Finally he caressed my cheek. “That’s it? This is how you’re going to leave?”
I stared back at the sapphire depths of his eyes. “What do you want?”
“Stay with me,” he whispered. “One more night… give me one more night before you go.”
It took me forever to answer.
All the little voices in my head, everything rational and logical, screamed, No! Leave now! Why risk getting hurt even more?
But my heart – and my body – wanted him so badly.
“…alright,” I finally agreed.
57
It was the most painful time that we made love… and also the sweetest.
He kissed me so softly, his lips barely touching my own. His hands ran down my bare shoulders and arms, encircled my waist, drew me close to him.
I kissed him back softly at first, then passionately, wanting this time to last for the rest of my life if need be.
Or at least not leave me with any regrets of holding back.
His hands caressed my bare skin as his lips kissed my ears, my neck, my chest.
My head tilted back and I moaned as he tugged down the front of my dress and kissed my breasts, caressing them, licking them, sucking at them.
He bent down and picked me up, then carried me willingly to the bedroom, where he placed me delicately on the mattress.
I reached up and fumbled with his clothes as his hands circled around me and unzipped my dress.
Our clothes were off before I knew it, and then he was beside me on the bed, his body hard and muscular, his hands warm and tender as they touched me on my belly, my thighs, between my legs.
I caressed his cock as I kissed him.
He shifted his body onto mine, and I guided him into me.
He slowly forced his way between my lips, his shaft slowly sinking into me deeper and deeper as I gasped against his mouth.
He rocked between my legs, his thickness filling me, his hands never ceasing as they glided over my breasts, my neck, my arms, my sides, my legs.
I started to cry, knowing that this could be the last time.
All That He Loves (Volume 2 The Billionaires Seduction) Page 16