Secretly More

by Lux Zakari

  Kimber chugged the whiskey the bartender had placed in front of her, hoping it’d make her feel better but hating that it made no difference at all. She had made a huge mistake.

  * * *

  Jay slid into his seat beside Taryn, wondering if it was possible to feel any shittier. The last thing he felt like doing was making small talk with and blowing his paycheck on a girl he wasn’t in any way interested in while listening to a cover band he hated for personal reasons, but here he was.

  Actually, that was the second-to-last thing he wanted to do. The first was seeing Kimber dance in her seat with a faraway smile on her face, contented by her own company and awaiting fucking Dane, as always, apparently harboring no anguish regarding their recently dissolved friendship and the obliteration of anything romantic between them. Confirmation of this had come in the form of her reaction to seeing him with Taryn. After everything they’d been through, she could hardly pretend to give a shit about any of it, so he’d acted similarly. What other choice did he have? He’d laid all his cards on the table, and it hadn’t made any difference whatsoever.

  He longed to call it a night and head home to his bed and a bottle of SoCo. Getting blitzed at home and allowing himself to fully immerse in his misery sounded far more appealing than feigning happiness. But feigning happiness was exactly what he intended to do. He wasn’t going to let Kimber see how her rejection affected him again. He would put on the face of a Spartan warrior and suck it up. She’d made it clear it was over between them, so it was time he recognize that, accept it, and act accordingly, no matter how fucking wrong it felt.

  * * *

  When Dane left the stage for the band’s second break, Kimber threw herself in his arms, even though his clothes were soaked with sweat. “You were fantastic. I loved that last song.”

  “Really?” His eyes lit up. “We were wondering if anyone would notice that we snuck an original in the set list. It’s new, we wrote it about two weeks ago.”

  “It was brilliant.” It had been okay, but Kimber imagined Jay’s eyes on them and kept the awed, flirty smile on her face. She wondered why she felt the overwhelming need to prove Jay was so unimportant to her that she would even prefer Dane’s company to his. That wasn’t what friends did to each other when they stopped being friends.

  “Brilliant?” Dane looked so delighted and boyish that Kimber wished she’d meant the compliment. His expression softened with affection. “Thanks, bables.”

  “You’re welcome.” She nudged him with her hip. “Now how about buying your biggest fan a drink?”

  Dane winced as he reached for his wallet. “Don’t kill me, but I only have, like, five bucks left on me. I’m in the band so I’ve been drinking for free, but I owe everyone money so I don’t even get paid for tonight’s gig.”

  Typical. She forced her annoyance aside in favor of keeping the smile on her face. “I only want a lager.” He could afford that, right?

  He forked over his last crumpled ones with a wistful look and passed a draft to Kimber, who sipped it and tried to act like she was enjoying herself. Not only had he made the beer taste terrible by acting like buying it had been the ultimate sacrifice, she couldn’t think of a thing to talk about with him. Small talk seemed too small. It seemed best to just get to her new objective for the evening, although best was probably an inaccurate description.

  She entwined her fingers with his. “I’m sorry I was so touchy yesterday at the casino. I really have missed you.”

  “I really missed you, too, bables.” His gaze flittered between her eyes and her lips, and his brow furrowed with what she knew was the want to kiss her. She closed the distance between them and pressed her mouth to his. Despite the familiarity of the kiss, it was like he was a stranger. Ironically, when she’d kissed a stranger, it’d felt so familiar. Then again, she hadn’t actually been with a stranger, had she? And she’d done more than just kiss him. A lot more.

  Her skin grew warm from the thought, and her tongue slipped between Dane’s lips. He groaned and pulled her closer to him using her jean’s belt loops, the contact revealing how much he-or at least his cock-really had missed her.

  In an effort not recoil, Kimber recalled the times when she had felt true passion-namely the past few weeks. She detested having to do so; so much negativity and just plain wrongness played into the scenario and its aftermath. But her body defied her, her cunt wet with the memory of being laved by a talented tongue then clenching around a cock that had fit her so perfectly she’d seen stars.

  Dane drew away from her, breathless. “Wow. What’s gotten into you? You’ve never been this…I dunno, passionate before.” Before she could reply, he added with a grin, “I like it.” He glanced around the bar. “I like it so much that things are going to get pretty embarrassing for me if we continue this in public.” He tossed her pleading look. “Afterward?”

  “Afterward,” she said, cupping his face and biting his lower lip, a move she was well-aware she’d learned from Jay, “you’re coming over to my place.”

  * * *

  “I wish I knew what I did,” Taryn wailed, facing the tabletop, propping her head over her draft with her hands. “I don’t understand why Brad would just storm off and not come back or even call.” She turned to Jay. “Do you?”

  “I don’t.” Why would he? He didn’t even know why things happened in his own life.

  Taryn released a sad sigh. “Did you know that we were high school sweethearts? He promised me in the yearbook that he’d never love anybody else.”

  Jay sipped his lager and gave a grunt of interest despite the fact that he could barely make sense of what Taryn complained about. From what he could make out, they were fighting over something retarded. Not only could he care less about Taryn’s plight, he was also intensely distracted by the public make-out session Kimber and Dane were engaged in. He tried to look elsewhere but it was no use. He was too steeped in misery.

  Aside from just depressing him, the sight of Kimber with Dane truly pissed him off. Yes, he’d had a horrible lapse in judgment-several epic ones, actually-but after all that had happened, she still preferred Dane? Jay experienced a flash of what it was like to feel nothing for Kimber aside from pity that someone could be so stupid and self-sabotaging. Wanting a girl of that caliber hardly seemed worth the pain anymore.

  Jay turned to Taryn. “You just have to face it,” he said, silencing her tirade in mid-sentence. “What you and Brad had is obviously over. You can either sit here all night feeling sorry for yourself or you can take a step in the right direction and move on-like this.”

  He kissed her with a fervor he didn’t really feel, and she moaned, giving his tongue access to hers. For a moment, Jay thought this was the best decision.

  Then Taryn broke away, looking not overwhelmed with lust but bug-eyed and bewildered. “What was that about?”

  “Um…” Wasn’t the answer obvious? If he had to explain what he’d just done and why, he’d seriously misjudged the situation.

  She covered her face with her hands. “I’m just so confused.” She peered at him through her fingers. “Last night outside the apartment… The argument… Well, don’t you have a torch for Kimber?”

  That a complete stranger preoccupied with her own romantic problems could discern that-after he’d just kissed her, no less-but Kimber hadn’t for ten goddamn years was quite possibly one of the most depressing things he’d ever heard. He sat back with a sigh, resigned to his fate. “On that note, I’m just as confused as you.”

  “Let’s go over the facts.” Taryn returned her hands to the tabletop. “I asked you out because I’m in love with Brad, and you just kissed me because you’re into Kimber.”

  “Sounds about right.”

  “Does she have any idea? I know you said last night that you messed everything up, but the way I’ve seen you guys act around each other, I thought she had a crush on you, too.”

  “Seeing as how she was just all over one of the guys in the band, I’m gonna
have to go with no.”

  Taryn paused for a moment and stared at the table again as if trying to determine why a raven was like a writing desk. “Just as I thought.” She gave a brusque nod. “Love makes no sense at all.”

  Jay groaned and rubbed his temple. “All I need is a new way to feel. At this point, it’s the only thing I ask for. I can’t take this anymore, and I don’t know what to do about any of it.”

  Taryn rubbed his arm. “Maybe there’s a reason you feel the way you do. Like an everything-happens-for-a-reason reason.”

  “There is. The reason is I’m stupid.”

  She laughed. “Come on, let’s get out of here and go back to my place.”

  Jay arched a quizzical brow. “I can’t kiss you in the bar but you want me to go home with you?”

  “Actually, yes. I’m sick of this place, as I’m sure you are, and I’m craving the cookies I made this afternoon.” She frowned. “I made them for Brad. I was hoping he’d be back by now.” After a pause, she shook her head, like shaking off a spell. “I just don’t want to be alone right now. The other night without him was too tragic to relive.”

  “I don’t know.” Jay yawned. “I should probably just go home and get some sleep.”

  “Just for a little while,” Taryn pleaded. “Besides, imagine Kimber’s expression when she sees your car in our lot and realizes you’re not there to see her.”

  Jay knew Taryn played his weak spot with desperation but didn’t mind. The idea of Kimber experiencing twinges of jealousy over him and Taryn together was an attractive one, although she’d made it more than clear she had no interest in him. In fact, she flat out copped to hating him. What did she care who he went home with? It was a reminder that strengthened his case to go to Taryn’s. It was better than the alternative, which was going back to his place and trying to stop thinking about everything just long enough for him to get a few hours rest. “Those cookies better be pretty damn awesome.”

  Taryn grinned. “With a glass or two of wine, there’s nothing better.”

  * * *

  Kimber watched as Jay and Taryn left, tittering like lovers, and her body burned with anger and worry. Were they going to top off the night with a romp in the sack, then laugh afterward about how pathetic it was that poor Kimber was stuck alone at the bar, awaiting her ex-boyfriend to finish playing the music he’d always loved more than her so they could have some unsatisfying encounter vaguely resembling sex? It was the most miserable thing Kimber had ever imagined. Meanwhile, Jay would be giving Taryn multiple orgasms-orgasms that should’ve been hers.

  She stared at the wet rings on the bar counter as Aural Stimulation began their third and last set. She tried to make sense of her possessive feelings toward Jay. It wasn’t fair to not want him but not want him to be with someone else, too. She knew that; it wasn’t even debatable.

  What wasn’t so cut-and-dried was the part about her not wanting him. Was that even still true?

  Kimber closed her eyes, and for the first time, she granted herself the permission to imagine herself in a relationship with Jay. She fit him in all the scenarios she’d pictured in the past using a perfect, faceless stand-in boyfriend and realized it wasn’t such a stretch from how Jay had always treated her. Jay shared many of the attributes she’d assigned to her imaginary ideal significant other. He helped her when she needed him to, always made her laugh, cheered her up with humor and wisdom when she was sad, and ensured her happiness. He was fun and easy to be with, and she adored his dry sense of humor. He had always shown her endless patience, from the time he taught her how to parallel park to the countless instances when he listened to her rehash the same romantic problems over and over as if they were new and not self-inflicted.

  And for as much as she teased him for it, she loved how intelligent he was, how he was always reading and learning in his spare time. She found it amusing how much he proclaimed to hate the History Channel for all its numerous shows concerning conspiracy theories, yet it was always on the TV every time she risked a visit to his apartment in that unsavory neighborhood. Her heart ached at the thought of him living there by himself, yet at the same time her clit throbbed at how independent he was, how he didn’t need to surround himself with the fascinating noise and fleeting pleasantries that Dane thrived on.

  There were so many aspects about Jay that she adored: his unapologetic, un-ironic love for Katy Perry’s music; how he would taste-test her failed cooking experiments with bravery; that he would call or text her at random; and how, no matter how many times she tried to explain it to him, he couldn’t figure out how Deal or No Deal worked. But most importantly, he was good to her, and she wanted to be good to him, too. Jay was her home, and she couldn’t imagine a life without him. Not to mention the way he kissed her-the way he did everything to her, really-gave her goose bumps. She had a rash of them just remembering it all.

  And he’d just left the bar with some other girl.

  Tears pricked her eyes as a rush of panic flooded her veins. This was insane. How could she feel such affection for someone who’d violated her trust? She fought for control of her heart, needed to hold onto that anger. Otherwise, everything would make even less sense than it already did.

  Aural Stimulation played its last note and Dane bid the crowd a good night. She couldn’t believe it was one-thirty already. She’d sat there for so long, and for what?

  The band left the stage, and Kimber wondered what she was doing there. Jay and Taryn were gone, and she didn’t feel the desire to talk to Dane. Still, she remained at the bar until Dane gravitated over to her, negotiating through the tipsy patrons on their way to the exit.

  “Bables.” He wrapped his arms around her in a hot, uncomfortable hug; he was even sweatier than he’d been before. “Are we still on for tonight?”

  Oh, right. She’d all but promised him he’d get laid. The thought of him touching her in any capacity made her skin crawl. Still, being with Dane was more appealing than being alone, especially since who the hell knew what Jay and Taryn were up to. She had a sinking feeling she wouldn’t like the answer.

  Kimber tossed Dane a winning smile. “Consider us very, very on.”

  * * *

  Taryn’s apartment was a tidy wreck, with clean laundry folded and resting on all available seats in the living room and various half-accomplished craft projects occupying every other surface. With few remaining choices of chairs to sit upon, Jay followed Taryn to the bedroom she shared with Brad and they relaxed on the bed, watching reality TV and splitting the batch of chocolate chip cookies she’d made and, against his better judgment, a bottle of wine. Still, he found viewing Celebrity Fit Club without being wasted was all but impossible.

  Then came the sound of a woman moaning next door. They turned to each other with wide eyes.

  Taryn tilted her head toward the wall. “Is that Kimber?”

  Did she have to ask? Who else would it be? The cookies and alcohol churned in his stomach as a wave of nausea hit him hard. “Oh God.” He leaned forward, hunching over his legs, folded under him Indian-style. “I think I’m gonna be sick. I can’t stay here.” He stood, and his drunkenness finally got the best of him as he sank back onto the mattress. “And apparently I can’t leave either. Shit.”

  “You go in the other room and do whatever you have to do.” Taryn bounced to her knees on the mattress. “I’ll take care of business.”

  Jay ducked into the bathroom, where he emptied the half-digested contents of his stomach mere seconds after the door shut behind him. He flushed the toilet and drank some lukewarm water from the tap before sitting on the furry bathmat with his spine against the side of the cool, ceramic tub. He tilted his head back to rest between a bottle of conditioner and the shower curtain and listened to Taryn scream down the hallway, squealing his name and all sorts of naughty things she wanted him to do to her as she threw herself around the mattress, the headboard clacking against the wall. Had the circumstances been different, he would’ve found it fucking hi
larious.

  But the circumstances weren’t different. Everything was just how it was, and it was impossible to ignore why Taryn resorted to such noisy shenanigans. Kimber was obviously back with Dane, and there was nothing he could do about it.

  * * *

  Dane followed Kimber to her apartment in his Sentra, even though he’d had more to drink than she had. She knew she should’ve volunteered to drive him, but the bar was just a few blocks from her place and he didn’t know where she lived. More selfishly, she didn’t want to have to take him back for his car in the morning, didn’t want either of them depending on each other for anything anymore. She was done relying on and babysitting him. It was everyone for themselves.

  She parked her car and got out just as Dane pulled in beside her and stuck his head out the window. “Is it okay to park here, or is this someone’s reserved spot?”

  Kimber barely heard him, too focused on the Monte Carlo across the lot. Jay’s car. Hope that he’d come to see her vaulted through her, but then she saw Taryn’s bedroom light on and two shadowy figures just beyond the curtain, and her heart plummeted.

  They were going to fuck right next door to her, knowing she could hear it all.

  “Kim?” Dane drummed impatiently on the wheel.

  “Yeah, park wherever.” Kimber was tired of him already, and for a moment she felt bad for feeling that way; he seemed so earnestly excited to be with her. But so what? They were broken up, yet she was still putting Dane’s needs first. When had he ever done her that favor in return?

  Once inside, Kimber switched on the living room light and Dane looked around with his half-open eyes, heavy with drink. “So this is your crib.” He wandered around, touching everything like he was a five-year-old reading with his fingers. “I like it.”