Secretly More

by Lux Zakari

  Moquest gestured to the cover-slash-jam band-a pack of college kids and a forty-something hippie on the recorder-playing on the stage of the bar’s ground floor, visible from his and Jay’s spot near the second level mezzanine. “Should I get these guys to play at my party tomorrow?”

  “Only if you want me to hang myself upon arrival. I’ve been praying for sweet death ever since they started playing.”

  “You’re always praying for sweet death these days. It’s such a bore, man. Another reason to throw a party.”

  This time the word snagged in Jay’s ear. “A party?”

  “You bet. To celebrate me and my Hello Nurse overcoming the odds-”

  “The odds being your ten seconds of shame over having been dumped.”

  “-I’m whipping up a little get-together tomorrow night, and you’re invited.” Moquest poked Jay in the stomach with his pool stick. “So’s Kimber.”

  “Fuck.” The good mood he’d been attempting to mimic burst like a cloud full of rain and Jay leaned heavy against the bamboo-print wallpaper, plummeting back to square one. The most miserable of all quadrangles.

  “She and I had a nice chat today. I found out she didn’t fuck Dane or get back with him after all, so that should set your mind at ease.”

  Jay grunted in response, even though the news did give him a rush of hope. Then again, having hope was dangerous, and just because she hadn’t wanted to be with Dane didn’t mean she wanted to be with him.

  “At any rate, you both should show up at my little gathering,” Moquest continued. “I think it’d be a good opportunity for you two.”

  “A good opportunity to do what exactly?”

  “That’s up to you.” Moquest hunched over the table and squeezed one eye shut, taking aim. “But you could try talking about this hot mess you’re in so you can get past it. Then, it’d be all, blindfolds, ahoy!”

  “I’m taking it Hello Nurse isn’t dating you for your tact.”

  “No way. I keep it real. Corner pocket.” Moquest took his shot, and the ball rocketed into the desired location. He threw his hands in the air. “God be praised!”

  Jay crossed his arms and waited for Moquest to finish showboating, doubting he’d get another turn in this game.

  Moquest paused his celebration and leaned against the table, clasping his fingers around his pool stick. “Now, before I completely slaughter you this game, let’s be serious. You haven’t talked to Kim since your Night of Ultimate Confessions, which is fucked up, so why don’t you just talk to her at the party? It’s on neutral ground and the perfect opportunity.”

  “I haven’t talked to her because I don’t know what to say. Nothing I do now is going to make any difference. She already told me she hates me.”

  “Jesus, Navarrete, you’re one sad sack. She wants to be with you, man. Why don’t you stop acting like a whiny bitch and make her realize it already?”

  Jay shook his head, not knowing what else to do or how to respond. Attempting reconciliation was absurd. It wasn’t like the time in college when he’d taken her pleather pants, cut out the back pockets, and made assless chaps for Moquest one liquor-soaked night-and she’d been livid then. Furthermore, how could he expect Kimber to forgive him when he couldn’t forgive himself?

  “What you need to do is figure out why the hell you’re so obsessed with this girl. There needs to be reasons why this is worth the trouble.” Moquest held up a hand. “But don’t tell me. I’m sick of hearing about you two. Just think it over while I finish kicking your ass.”

  Jay drank his lager as he watched Moquest sink all the striped balls, then the solids just to show off. He also pondered Moquest’s question. It certainly was a fair one, and one he’d never thought to reflect on or bring under analysis. It had always been a feeling, a knowing, a way of living, a state of being: in love with Kimber. The why and all its logic never before factored in.

  Now, in lieu of all that happened, he found it only fair to dwell on the answer, although he was scared to learn what it was that really mattered to him, scared at the thought of possibly wasting a decade loving the wrong person, scared of having to face the fact that he ruined a lifetime with the right one.

  But he did it anyway. He allowed himself to think of all the things he loved about Kimber, like her infectious laugh and how she made even the most ordinary, day-to-day things seem fun. In a town of inhabitants with the imaginations of sea-soaked driftwood, she was the sole beacon of endless fascination for him, like finding a long-lost Alphonse Mucha original at a garage sale. He found her incredibly beautiful, with her blonde hair, gold-brown eyes, curvy form, and that mouth-damn. It was no surprise the casino bar goers plunked down their hard-won cash in the form of generous tips every time she flashed them a flirty smile.

  Furthering her attractiveness was how she lived her life. She brimmed with an energy and vivacity so strong it would be damn near exhausting if it weren’t so intoxicating. He liked that he could bring her to the park and trust her to derive meaning from it, and that she had ambition to go back to school and open her own bar someday, even if drama with Dane had put those goals on hold. He even liked her fluctuating mood swings, how one moment she’d be consumed with sadness over thoughts of her mortality and a half hour later she would be draping her sweater over her head so it looked like beautiful blue hair and positioning a maple leaf over the crotch of her pajama pants, announcing, “Hello, I’m Eve.” Kimber made the most ordinary events seem special, which is how she once coerced him into an evening spent wearing their bathing suits in a bubble bath together, while they colored on the walls with washable crayons and drank strawberry milk out of beer glasses. Not that he’d needed much coercion to get in a tub with Kimber, but the event had hardly been sexual, with Kimber next to him, splashing her chin over and over to create a waterfall beard and proclaiming to be Poseidon. Nevertheless, the moment had definitely made him fall more in love with her.

  She wasn’t always selfless, but when she wanted to be, she gave all of herself. He would never forget his twenty-first birthday, when she gave him a silver flask engraved with his initials and a glittery, homemade “Jay’s Wish Candle” in the middle of a plate of chocolate chip cookies served with mudslide mix blended with half a bottle of peppermint schnapps. She’d given him a tutorial on delivering the perfect hug as well as head that had made him see stars. He liked how she could somehow make doing a favor for her something to look forward to. Actually, he both loved and hated that.

  On that note, there were several things he didn’t love so much about her, like her taste in guys, her insecurity, and her tendency to dwell on her problems. But these attributes were so inherently part of Kimber he couldn’t imagine or prefer her without them.

  “You come up with anything?” Moquest cut into his reverie, and Jay took note how his friend was already setting up another game, which was likely to be one-sided.

  “I guess.” Jay nodded, his voice rusty.

  “And what you came up with-is it all worth it?”

  “Yeah.” He didn’t even hesitate.

  “Then why are you giving up?”

  “I’m not giving up.” The words were an automatic defense, but it wasn’t until they were out of his mouth did he realize how much he meant them. “I’m not giving up.”

  Moquest smirked and pushed the pool stick back in Jay’s hand. “Then man up and do something about it.”

  Jay knew his friend was right. When faced with the choice between a life with Kimber and one without her, there was no choice at all.

  Now if only he could convince her to feel the same way.

  * * *

  Kimber arrived at Moquest’s party, feeling anything but celebratory. Her faded jeans, vintage Yellowstone Park T-shirt, and flip-flops made her feel like an outsider compared to the other guests. The girls were decked out in tank tops and skirts and surrounded by frosted-haired boys wearing Abercrombie polos and too much Axe. They looked carefree and full of bliss, too-another difference betw
een her and them, and an important one. Were they really enjoying themselves, or were they just that good at pretending? How were they able to put their troubles out of their minds?

  She heaved an impatient sigh and fought through the crowd. A Sublime song pulsed from the speakers, and everyone in the vicinity erupted into a sing-along. She’d witnessed this sort of phenomenon happen before, yet it never failed to surprise her. It wasn’t even a song that received a lot of radio airplay aside from college stations, and even then it had to be heavily edited to the point of no recognition. Still, everyone’s shoulders moved to the relaxed groove like they were one.

  A generic hot girl, with too-straight hair and a beakish nose that was overlooked in favor of her size-zero midriff, scrambled atop the coffee table, which wobbled beneath all ninety-five pounds of her. She swayed to the beat, using her beer bottle as a microphone as she sang the Spanish verses dead-on but in a painful, off-key voice reminiscent of a cat piano, the felines screaming their pain in different note as their tails were yanked.

  But her spectacle was the stuff of male arousal. Moquest, for one, dropped to his knees below her and reached for her as he thrust his pelvis in her direction. It didn’t take much, yet somehow it took more than Kimber even knew and she suddenly felt guilty, like an interloper stumbling upon a tribe’s sacred mating ritual she had no understanding of.

  The girl drunkenly teetered off the table and landed in Moquest’s arms with a dizzy spin, and they both laughed, holding each other tight in a way that meant more than just sex. It dawned on Kimber that the girl was likely the naughty nurse who’d replaced the saucy stripper. Kimber had heard via casino gossip that Moquest had been raving about her to anyone with ears the past few weeks, and she had been expecting the nurse to give Helen of Troy a run for her dough, with hair done up in jewels, a face holding perfect symmetry, and not a tan line in sight. However, his latest ladylove looked like any other toned, giggly barfly with a vodka blush staining her cheeks. Still, they looked happy, and that was more Kimber could say for herself.

  Moquest and his nurse straightened, and Kimber tapped him on the shoulder. He whirled around, a giant grin on his face as his eyes lit up. His genuine, undisguised happiness was almost enough to lift her mood, but not quite. She tossed her hands up and slapped them against her thighs. “Well, here I am.”

  “I see that.” He pointed to the ceiling. “Just head on up to my room.”

  “Yeah, right. The last time I did that-”

  “-you couldn’t thank me enough.” Moquest smirked and crossed his arms over his expansive chest, his stance challenging her to defy him.

  She narrowed her eyes at him, her annoyance and frustration mounting. “Matthew-”

  “Just go on.” He spared a few moments to leave his new squeeze, spin Kimber around, and guide her toward the narrow staircase. “Don’t be shy.”

  “There’s a different between being shy and being weirded out.” Kimber jogged up the steps, having no other choice with Moquest behind her, steering her to the second floor.

  “You know, I don’t really like your Negative Nancy attitude. You should go back to being slutty, skirt-over-your-head Kimber. You were more fun then.”

  “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m going to kill you.”

  “Wow, good thing you put a disclaimer on that or else I would’ve been totally scared.” Moquest paused outside his closed bedroom door and gestured to it. “Well?”

  Kimber eyed him with mistrust as she slowly gave the knob a twist. As soon as the door cracked, Moquest’s hands were on her back, shoving her inside and slamming the door behind her.

  She whipped around and slapped the door. “Why are you such a freak?”

  Her response was the click of a key turning in the lock and Moquest’s cackle.

  “Good Lord.” Kimber rolled her eyes as she heard Moquest thunder down the stairs and return to the party. She glanced around the room, and her exasperated appraisal ended her confusion and sent a bolt of shock through her core.

  Jay stood near Moquest’s window, looking just as miserable as she felt.

  “Oh.” She raked her teeth over her bottom lip and tried to smile, even though she felt like crying. “Hey.”

  His Adam’s apple bobbed with a gulp. “Hey,” he said, his voice scratchy, like he wasn’t used to talking.

  Suddenly there didn’t seem to be anything left to say. Informal chitchat seemed inane and everything else felt too unwieldy, too frightening. She gave the knob a futile twist then sank onto the edge of bed, resigned to the hopelessness and the unavoidable awkwardness even though she despised the silence between them. Jay was her best friend. She’d told him everything-everything. Now a conversation felt like heart surgery without the anesthesia.

  Jay cleared his throat. “Moquest thought this would be an opportunity for us to talk. Maybe he’s right.”

  Nervous tremors rippled through her. “What’s to talk about?”

  “Jesus, Kimber, really? Where do I even start?” Jay paced the room, raking his hands through his hair. “I can’t do small talk with you. Not now, not ever. I won’t even try.” He stopped and faced her, looking more distraught than Kimber had ever seen him. “So that leaves only the big stuff.”

  “Right.” Kimber gulped like she was swallowing razor blades.

  “Like I said, I don’t know where to begin, but I guess I have to at some point.” Jay took a deep breath. “We both know I’ve done a terrible, unforgivable thing. I was selfish. I betrayed you. I violated you and any trust you ever had for me, and it makes me sick.”

  He sucked hard on his lower lip and squeezed his eyes shut. “I don’t blame you if you hate me. I hate me. I had no idea I could be such an awful person. But listen-and I know I sound insane and depraved and delusional-but I just want you to know how much I truly, completely love you. I always have. Aside from this mess we’re currently in, that’s been the only secret I’ve ever kept from you and it’s been my biggest one. And it breaks my fucking heart that I was so preoccupied and scared I’d never be with you at all that I totally disregarded anything you wanted, and I obliterated all the good times and memories we still had left between us. I wish there was something I could do to go back in time and be mature and respect your decision that you just wanted to be friends. Then I could still be a part of your life, and you’d be a part of mine, and I know now, no matter what, that will always be better than being without you.”

  Kimber let out a few sad gasps, willing her tears not to fall as she stared at the floor, his words drilling holes in her last remaining reasons to never forgive him.

  “Even though all the evidence points to me being the world’s biggest scumbag, I would never intentionally hurt you,” he continued, his voice cracking. “You’re my best friend and the girl I love. Like I said, I was a selfish prick, but I also wanted to protect you. I didn’t want you to be with a stranger who didn’t care about you at all, someone who wouldn’t feel like being with you was as good as life got. That’s what you deserve-to feel special, like you matter. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”

  A brief pause followed his monologue. “I know it’s messed up to even ask,” he said carefully, “but since you haven’t punched me in the face yet, I just have to know-is there any chance that we can someday get past this?” He swallowed hard. “I know that’s asking a lot from you, and you don’t have to answer right now. Just think about it. And I swear to God, I’ll never bring up being more than friends with you again. I just-”

  “What if I want to?” she whispered, her voice rusty as her nervous gaze met his. “What if I want to be more than friends?”

  He watched her for a long moment, his expression that of a man suspicious that the universe was playing one big, cruel joke on him. “Is that what you want?”

  “Yes.” She lowered her eyes, her confession scaring her. “But I don’t know how.”

  Jay released a gusty sigh. “Kimber, I don’t have any right telling you how or when to
forgive me or if you even should. But you know that being with you-really being with you-is the one thing that I want most, and if you want that, too, I will figure out a way to make this all up to you.”

  They were silent for a moment, and Kimber realized the only thing separating them now was air and her pride. Now that they flirted with the concept of reconciliation, she looked up again with a sudden burst of playful bravery. “Would you shave off your eyebrows?”

  His eyes widened. “Would I what?”

  “Shave off your eyebrows.” She mimed using a razor over her own brows, hoping he didn’t notice how much she was shaking. “For my forgiveness.”

  He breathed out a laugh. “Only if you’d actually forgive me afterward. If you wouldn’t, then no. And keep in mind you’d be the one who’d have to look at me.”

  “Nuh-uh.” She wrapped her arms around her waist and pressed her lips together, trying to hide her mischievous smile. “I’d just wear a blindfold.”

  “Oh, aren’t you just so goddamned funny.” He lunged at her, digging his fingers in her ribs, making her shriek with laughter.

  “Okay, okay, give.” She curled into a fetal position to protect her body, which she felt hyper aware of now that he was so close and touching her. “Give!”

  He stopped tickling her and took hold of her wrists, tugging her so she was sitting up and facing him. “Seriously. Tell me what you want me to do and whatever it is, I’ll do it, because Kimber, honestly, you’re it for me. And we’ve already done almost everything a couple can do, so I feel like we should at least try to be one.”

  “I know.” Kimber swallowed hard and looked away. “But I’m scared.”

  “So am I. How do you think it is for me, wondering if you’ll still want me with your eyes open? I’ve got a lot to lose here, too. But I don’t know why we can’t be scared together and figure it all out. I just want one chance at having something real with you.”