What Lies Within

by Karen Ball

  Is that what she thought he was doing? Humiliation washed over him and Rafe turned and walked away, his brother’s raucous laugh echoing in his burning ears. But he couldn’t shut out her voice …

  “Berto, that’s mean. He wasn’t mooning—”

  “Forget him. You should be focusing on me, Kylita.”

  Why did she let him talk to her that way? Didn’t she know she deserved better?

  The party was winding down when Rafe realized Kyla and Berto were missing. Normally, he would have just marked it up to Berto wanting time with his girl. He didn’t like sharing Kyla with anyone, not even their families. But the look in her eyes when she arrived wouldn’t let him go. And so Rafe went searching.

  It wasn’t hard to find them. All he had to do was follow their raised voices. He stood just outside the doorway of his father’s library, listening. Not to eavesdrop, but to be ready. Just in case. Berto’s temper, as unpredictable as it was fierce, decided to make an appearance.

  “What do you want from me?”

  Kyla’s response was equal parts anger and agony. “How can you ask that? This didn’t just happen to me, Berto! It happened to us!”

  “You want me to be sorry? Well, I’m not! I’m glad. You were stupid to let it happen in the first place.”

  Rafe planted his hands on either side of the door. It took all his control not to burst into the room and shove his brother’s scornful words down his throat. But Berto wasn’t finished.

  “It’s good that thing is gone.”

  “Thing?”

  The ragged pain in Kyla’s wail pierced Rafe’s gut. What was going on? When she finally spoke again, her words were soft, broken.

  Like grief come to life.

  “That thing was your baby, Berto. And now it’s dead. Our baby is dead.”

  Her sorrow became his own, loosing tears to course down Rafe’s face. He put his hand on the doorknob … everything within him needed to go to her. To comfort her. To ease her pain. But he was halted by his brother’s hissing response.

  “Did I ask for a baby? No! I told you to be careful. But you let this happen, so it’s on your head. I told you, chica, I wasn’t going to let you or some screaming brat ruin my life. I’ve got a future, and your baby was not a part of it.”

  “My … my baby?”

  Rafe’s throat was so tight he could scarcely breathe. Listen to her, Berto! Don’t you hear the pain? Pain you are causing …

  “I’m just glad that thing is out of my life. You should be glad too.”

  The silence that followed Berto’s words was heavy. When Kyla spoke, Rafe barely recognized her voice. The words came out flat, emotionless.

  Dead.

  “And will you be glad when I’m out of your life as well?”

  Rafe could just see his brother’s reaction. The curled lip; the derision. No woman had ever left him. No matter what he’d done or said.

  Sure enough, Berto’s tone shifted, turned low and husky—the voice he used to sway women. “Don’t be silly, cara. Te amo. You know I love you.”

  Rafe closed his eyes. It wouldn’t work. Not this time. No amount of charm could erase what Berto had said. Not from the way Kyla’s voice had sounded—

  “Good-bye, Berto.”

  Rafe barely had time to step back before Kyla burst through the door. She jerked to a halt when she saw him there. Those deep green eyes, drenched in tears, stared at him. The seemingly limitless sorrow he saw in those depths pierced his heart. For a moment the pain was so intense he thought he might be having a heart attack. But no pain could keep him from wanting to reach out, to comfort her. Words balanced on the precipice of his tongue, waiting to take flight. Assurances that she was better off without his jerk of a brother. That any man would be blessed to have her love.

  But before he could coax them forth, she folded her arms around herself and dropped her gaze to the floor.

  “I guess you’re glad to see me go.”

  No! He wanted to scream it out. To tell her how he felt. That she owned him. Owned his heart. But the words wouldn’t come. They just tangled up inside him. Left him standing mute while she bit her lips, fighting against the pain, then gave one final nod.

  “Good-bye, Rafa.”

  And with that she was gone.

  The moment the door closed behind her, Rafe came back to life. “No!” He started after her, but someone grabbed him from behind, jerking him off his feet.

  “What do you think you’re doing?”

  Berto.

  Rafe spun, striking his brother’s arm, knocking him away.

  “¿Por qué andas tan brava? What’s wrong with you?”

  Rafe met anger with anger. “Why am I angry? What’s wrong with me? How could you do that? How could you treat her that way?”

  Berto’s eyes—eyes women swooned over—narrowed. “Were you listening, tarado?”

  His brother was bigger and stronger than he. Rafe knew he’d lose in a fight. But he didn’t care. That his brother had done this to such a woman.

  He couldn’t bear it.

  “Women think you’re so wonderful, but you’re nada!”

  “Be careful, little brother.”

  “Or what?” Rafe pulled himself to his full height. “I’m no woman you can knock around.”

  Berto smirked. “Or knock up.”

  Rafe didn’t know he was going to hit his brother until it happened. But hit him he did, with the full fury of his outrage and sorrow. All the shame, the anger, congealed within him, drawing his hand into a fist that flew through the air with such force he heard his brother’s jaw break when it connected.

  Standing there, staring down at his brother where he lay sprawled on the floor, Rafe knew his life was over. Not because of what he’d done here. Berto deserved it. All that and more.

  No, what cut to the quick, what stole the future he’d dreamed of since he was twelve, was the shame of what Berto did to Kyla Justice.

  And the sure knowledge she could never, ever want to see any of them again.

  FORTY-SEVEN

  “Life is all about timing … the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable … attainable. Have the patience, wait it out. It’s all about timing.”

  STACEY CHARTER

  “God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart.”

  ECCLESIASTES 3:11

  I never expected to see you again.”

  Kyla couldn’t speak. Could barely think. Rafael knew her deepest shame. The secret that had taunted her for all these years with her own imperfections. Her stupidity. “You … you knew?”

  “I was worried about you. I could tell you were upset that day when you got to our house.”

  The irony was almost too much. “You could tell I was upset. And Berto didn’t even notice.”

  “Berto was too focused on himself to notice anyone else.” He caught himself. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t talk about him that way. I know you loved him back then.”

  “I thought I did.”

  “So you can imagine my astonishment when you walked into Cuppa Joe’s. Just walked in one day.”

  He knew what she’d done. How foolish, how out of control she’d been.

  “The moment I saw you, I knew. It was another chance.”

  Lord, I can’t bear it.

  And yet, as she sat there, Rafael’s tender voice washing over her, the memories she’d avoided for so long—feared for so long—didn’t seem as devastating as she’d thought they would. In fact, with Rafael’s dark eyes on her, so full of compassion and care, she realized she was wrong.

  She could bear it. At least for now.

  Why? Because you think you can trust him? Why? Don’t you realize he’s known all this time and didn’t say anything? Didn’t tell you who he was. How can you trust someone who keeps secrets like that?

  The dark thoughts pulled at her. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  He didn’t need to
ask what she meant. “I wanted to get to know you again. To let you get to know me. As adults. Not as a kid and his brother’s girl. But as friends.”

  Friends.

  As she thought about it she realized it was true. Rafael was a friend.

  “I was afraid if I told you who I was, all you’d see was Berto. That you’d never see me.”

  What a loss that would have been. The thought, as unexpected as it was true, startled her.

  Rafael leaned forward, massaging his knee. “Annie stayed in touch with me all these years. She e-mailed me while I was overseas.”

  Kyla looked up at that. “The Marines.”

  He nodded. “I joined right out of high school. You were gone by then.”

  She curled her legs beneath her on the chair. “I left just a few months after …” Kyla plucked at the pillow next to her. “After I lost the baby.”

  She’d said it. Actually spoke the words aloud. She waited for the relief, the sense of freedom.

  There was none.

  Only a deep, aching sorrow.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  She met Rafael’s eyes, and saw it was so. “My parents were gone when it happened. And Annot was off doing”—she surprised herself by smiling—“whatever it was Annot did back then. I was so wrapped up in my own world, my own tragedy, I don’t think I even saw her.”

  “You didn’t see a lot of things.”

  She didn’t disagree. “The pain started late in the morning. By the afternoon, I knew what was happening. Thankfully, my brother was there with me. He stayed with me, took care of me …” She was not going to cry again. Unfortunately, the tears streaming down her face didn’t seem to know that. “Held me and prayed with me when I told him what had happened. I begged him not to tell our parents. Or Annot. I couldn’t bear it.”

  “Did you ever tell them?”

  Kyla shook her head. “I went away to college, and soon it was as though it never happened. As though it happened to someone else. Which, in a way, it did.” Misery sidled through her. “Because that girl, the one who loved your brother with such abandon? The one with such a tender, giving heart? She died, right along with her baby.”

  “Kyla—”

  “It’s true, and you know it. I’m changed.” A harsh laugh forced its way free. “And not for the better.”

  “I know different.”

  Poor, poor Rafael. Sitting there, watching her with the eyes of his youth. But she had to tell him. Had to let him know the worst.

  The very worst.

  “I’m not. I wish I were, Rafael, for you as much as for me.” He started to speak, but she stopped him. “Do you know how I know I’ve changed? Why I’m so certain?” The terrible truth tightened her chest. She pulled her hand free from his and gripped the back of the chair in front of her so hard that her fingers ached. “You tell me, Rafael. What kind of woman am I?” She squeezed her eyes shut, wishing she were somewhere else. Someone else. Longing for an excuse, any reason to stop the words she was about to say. To put off the confession she knew she had to make.

  But there were no excuses. No more delays. No more denying. It was time to let him see who she really was.

  “Because when I realized I’d lost my baby, I was glad!” Her agony rang out in the empty church, sailing to the rafters and beyond. Pounding at the gates of heaven.

  “What kind of woman is glad that her own baby is dead?”

  Such pain.

  Rafael had seen young men die. Heard them cry out to God for mercy as the breath left their bodies. He’d helped bind wounds, forced to ignore the screams as they dragged an injured Marine to safety as shots peppered the ground. But he’d never heard such depth of pain as he heard now.

  He longed to speak peace to her. To ease the grief and shame tearing at her. But for all that he’d give his very life to set her free, Rafe knew it would never be enough. He couldn’t heal Kyla Justice.

  Only God could do that.

  Father, help her.

  It wasn’t eloquent, as prayers went. But it was as sincere a prayer as he’d ever sent heavenward.

  He took her hand, easing the clenched fingers open, pressing his palm to hers. “What kind of woman? Shall I tell you the kind of woman I see in you, Kyla Justice?”

  She made a wounded sound and turned her head away, but he didn’t let that stop him. He had to say this. Needed her to hear him. “Because I see you, Kyla. I always have. I see your heart and your kindness; I see the glow of love inside you. Yes, it’s been hidden beneath layers of self-protection. But it’s there.”

  She let out her scorn, and he tugged her hand gently. “I saw it the day you brought that bedraggled kitten into the coffee shop. It shone on your face. Sparkled in your eyes.” He looked at the room around them. “I saw compassion and determination every day you came here. With every obstacle you faced, every danger, you could have turned and walked away. No one would have blamed you. But instead you showed strength and courage.”

  He reached to touch her face, turning it so their eyes met. “Say what you want, Kyla, but I know the truth. You’re still the amazing woman I fell in love with when I was twelve.”

  She didn’t speak, but she leaned forward, letting him close her in the circle of his arms. She nestled against him, and silence settled over them.

  She’d listened. Whether she really heard or not was in God’s hands. But she’d let him say what was on his heart. And she hadn’t walked away.

  For the moment, that was enough.

  FORTY-EIGHT

  “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

  ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL

  “I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.… I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear,

  like a mute, who cannot open his mouth; I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply. I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.”

  PSALM 38:8–9, 13–15 (NIV)

  She couldn’t get enough of the silence.

  Kyla walked through the silent building, oddly at peace. She’d asked Rafael to leave, to give her some time alone to think, to pray. He’d refused until she agreed to let him sit outside until Annot came to pick her up. It was like having her very own walking, talking guardian angel. And she had to admit, she liked it.

  Maybe too much.

  She watched him leave, torn by the desire to call him back. To ask him to say all those things to her again. Until she heard them. Really heard them. But she knew his saying them a thousand times wouldn’t make a difference.

  Not until she changed inside.

  How do I do that, God? I’ve held on so tight for so long. How can You expect me to just let go?

  If she’d expected some heavenly response, she wasn’t going to get it. What she did get was silence.

  She made her way up the new stairs, leading to the offices on the second floor of what used to be the old parsonage. Walked along the new floors, ready at last for the carpeting that was to be laid in the morning. Went into the main office and turned on the lights. Then, steps slow and thoughtful, went to stand before the beautiful stained-glass windows.

  Kyla laid her hand on the cool, colored glass. She’d been so sure they were all destroyed. And then, several days later, Fredrik came to her, eyes shining. He led her to a back room where he pointed at two large crates leaning against the wall.

  Heart leaping, Kyla found a crowbar and pried the first crate open. The window inside was a heart-wrenching depiction of the crucifixion. Though delighted to find a window undamaged, Kyla couldn’t deny a tinge of disappointment. She’d hoped for something more … encouraging.

  Upon opening the second crate, all her hopes were realized.

  There, carefully wrapped and stored, was a window bearing a glorious depiction of the resurrection.
Easter lilies danced along the border, outlining the empty tomb in one panel, and Jesus ascending to heaven in another.

  She’d wanted encouragement. What she got was that and more. A gentle but undeniable reminder that God was God.

  Her fingers traced the shape of a lily. I know that, Father. I believe it. But I can’t help wondering … what are You doing? What were You thinking, bringing Rafe into my life this way? How could You let me feel the way I do about him?

  Her hand stilled. How did she feel?

  Nothing. Rafe is a friend, nothing more.

  Rafe. Not Rafael?

  My heart is devoted to Mason. Period.

  Liar.

  End of discussion.

  Coward.

  “Leave me alone!”

  “Okay, okay. You don’t have to yell.”

  Kyla jumped back, then blew out her relief when she saw her sister in the doorway of the room, Kodi at her side. “I was worried about you. I saw the lights come on and figured you were in here.”

  “How long have you been here?”

  “Oh, maybe ten minutes.” One side of her mouth lifted. “I relieved Rafe.”

  Kyla didn’t deign to respond to so obvious an attempt at gathering information. “I see you brought your furry shadow.”

  “You think I’d come here after dark without her? Hardly.”

  Pounding footsteps coming up the stairs startled them both. Kodi lowered her head and uttered a low warning growl.

  “Hey! Call off the beast!”

  Tarik! What on earth was he doing here? Kyla went to meet him at the top of the stairs. “Is Rafael still here?”

  “Nope. I saw him pull away just as I was comin’ ’round the corner.”

  Kyla flipped off the light in the office, then followed Annot and her dog to the stairs. “Coming around the … Did you ride your bike all the way here? This late at night?”

  Humor tugged at the boy’s lips. “Wow, you weren’t kidding, were you, Miss Annie?”

  “Nope. I told you she was a Sister-Mommy.”

  Fine. Now people outside the family would call her that awful nickname. “Did you come to find Rafael?”