by E. L. Todd
I dropped the slice on the table.
Was it really him? I darted to the window and peeked through the blinds. It was dark outside but I could distinguish a few things. The front seat was reclined and I couldn’t see him.
But he was there.
Hawke told me about this but I didn’t believe him after I spotted Alexia at Axel’s apartment. But his truck was outside—right in front of my eyes. I grabbed a sweater before I walked down the path to his truck.
Now that I was there I didn’t know what to do.
I peeked through the passenger window and spotted him in the driver’s seat. He was fast asleep, wearing jeans and a sweater. His arms were crossed over his chest and he looked uncomfortable in the leather chair.
I stared at him for a few moments before I gently rapped my knuckles against the window. The sound didn’t wake him so I kept knocking, lightly tapping my knuckles against the panel. I wanted to wake him but I didn’t want to startle him.
Finally, his eyes opened and he turned his head toward the sound. When he saw me he flinched in terror, sitting up fast in reaction. His eyes narrowed on me, trying to determine if this was real or just a dream.
He pressed the unlock button on the center console and the door unlocked.
I got inside and shut the door behind me.
Axel wouldn’t look at me, shame written all over his face. He adjusted the chair so he was sitting up. His hair was a mess and the sleep was in his eyes. Despite how tired he looked, it didn’t seem like he got any true rest. “I can explain…”
I pulled my knees to my chest.
“Actually, I can’t.”
“Do you do this a lot…?”
“What?” he whispered.
“Sleep outside my house?”
He nodded. “More than I care to admit.”
“Why?”
“Can’t sleep. When I’m this close to you…it comforts me.” He still wouldn’t look at me, the embarrassment still in his features.
“I can’t sleep either. It’s been hard…”
“It’s been six weeks since…you know. Why is this so difficult? Why do I still feel like this?” He rested his head against the glass. “Last night was the best night of sleep I’ve gotten in a long time. When I went to bed tonight I knew I wouldn’t shut my eyes for even a moment. I don’t get it.”
“I know what you mean.”
He took a deep breath and his vapor fogged the window. He closed his eyes for a moment, clearing his thoughts. Then he slowly turned to me, his face hardly visible in the limited light. “Can we be friends that sleep together? That’s a thing, right?”
“Friends with benefits?”
“I guess…but not the kind that fool around. You know, we can sleep together and do stuff together, go out to eat and watch movies. We can just be friends that like to spend time together.”
On the surface that sounded great. “Wouldn’t we be right back where we were...?”
His eyes fell in sadness. “But it would be different. We wouldn’t be in a relationship.”
If we really did that then I would never get over him—not ever. Seeing him once in a while when he came to the house was tolerable. Even hanging out with him when he spent time with Francesca was okay. But anything more than that…was too difficult. “Axel, nothing has changed for me.” I didn’t want to say those words out loud but they were the truth. Six weeks had come and gone but my heart still felt the same way. I was still in love with this man, and now I feared I would always be in love with this man.
Axel looked away.
Deep in my heart, I hoped he would say the same thing. I hoped he would tell me he loved me and couldn’t live without me. I hoped he would say Alexia didn’t mean anything to him, that I was the only woman who ever mattered.
But I knew he wouldn’t.
“I’m sorry.” I knew what that really translated to. He didn’t feel the same way and he never would.
Hearing that rejection twice in a row was crippling. To say you loved someone and to not hear it back was one of the worst feelings in the world. I kept misinterpreting his actions. When he held me I always assumed it meant something. Maybe it didn’t mean anything at all.
“I care about you in a way I’ve never cared for anyone before but—”
“You don’t need to explain.” I opened the door. “Really, it’s fine.” I felt the tears start deep in my chest. He hurt me once and I hated myself for letting it happen. But now I let him hurt me again.
“Marie…”
I hopped out of his truck and held the door open. “Go home, Axel.” I gripped the handle before I shut it. “I don’t want to see your truck out here anymore.”
He bowed his head in shame, like I just took something precious away from him.
“Good night.” I shut the door and walked back to the house, feeling my bottom lip quiver. Never in my life had I wanted something so much—but I couldn’t have it. I already cried over him once and I refused to do it again. If a man hurt me so many times, he wasn’t worth my pain. Somehow, I turned the pain off.
And my heart.
Solution
Axel
For twelve hours one night I was happy.
Happy.
But then the next day it disappeared. Reality set in and I realized what was really going on. I was alone and miserable.
Marie caught me red-handed outside her house. Instead of making up a lie that wouldn’t make any sense anyway I told her the truth. I could only sleep when I was close to her. Sitting at her curb was the closest I could reach her, and it was enough.
I knew I sounded like a crazy person.
It seemed like she understood what I meant because she felt the same way. But then she rejected my offer to be friends—special friends. And then she reminded me of the reason why we could never be together.
She still loved me.
Instead of bringing me joy those words only brought me pain. I couldn’t return those feelings, and those feelings were the reason we weren’t together. If she just saw me as a guy she was dating, someone she was fond of, we would be okay. But that wasn’t how it was.
I couldn’t drag her along and watch her get hurt in the end. I had to break it off before things got worse. But somehow, breaking things off seemed to hurt us both even more.
Why couldn’t things be simpler?
***
I hit the court with a few friends, playing a few games of basketball. Sports was my favorite hobby. It distracted me from everything else going on in my life. Right now, it stopped me from thinking about one beautiful blonde.
“Good game.” Tom gave me a high-five. His t-shirt was covered in sweat as well as his forehead.
“Good game.” I grabbed my shirt and wiped my face with it.
“You alright, man? You’re awfully quiet.” He tucked the ball under his arm.
“I’m fine.” Not really. I started thinking about Marie again. “How’s Stacy?” Stacy was his fiancé. She lived in New York City but he was moving there after they got married.
“She’s good. But works too much.”
“What does she do again?” I could hardly remember names let alone occupations.
“She works for Prada. She’s a marketing executive.”
Whoa, what? “She works for Prada?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“That’s a fashion company, right?” I only knew that because I’d dated girls with the purses, shoes, and glasses.
“Yeah.” He raised both eyebrows. “I didn’t realize you were into fashion.”
“I’m not, asshole. My girlfriend—” Acid burned in my mouth. “My friend applied for an internship at Vogue but didn’t get it. Do you think Stacy could get me a hook up?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “But I can ask.”
“Dude, I would owe you big time.”
“You already owe me big time,” he said with a laugh. “You still owe me two-hundred bucks from that game.”
“It’s yours if you get me a meeting with her.”
The corner of his mouth rose into a smile. “I’m guessing this friend of yours is cute.”
“She is. But that’s not the point.”
“Sure. Whatever.”
“Can you get me the meeting or not?”
“She’s coming down on Friday to spend the weekend with me. How about then?”
“I’m free whenever she is.” If I could get Marie something at the company it would make her the happiest girl on the planet.
“I’ll talk to her.”
***
“Thanks for meeting me.” When she walked into the restaurant I stood up and hugged her.
“Of course. It’s always nice to see you, Axel.”
I didn’t know Stacy that well but I always liked her. She was nice, not snooty like most pretty girls I knew, and she was good to Tom. “You too.” I pulled out the chair for her before I sat across from her.
“Wow. When did you become a gentleman?”
“Who said I was?”
“You seem different…a girl have anything to do with that?”
There was no doubt Marie changed me—in a good way. “I do have a friend that I really care about…”
“Uh-huh.” Her smile gave her away.
“She’s actually the person I was hoping to discuss.”
“Sure. Tell me about her.” She adopted her professional mode and listened intently.
“She’s graduating this year with honors and she’s getting her bachelor’s in journalism. She’s a phenomenal writer and she’s passionate about fashion. She’d be a perfect asset for Prada.”
“And Vogue turned her down?”
“For an internship. She was devastated.”
“Why?” She sipped her wine.
“I know she wants to work in fashion, and Vogue is a great place for that.”
“Did she apply to Prada?”
I hated my answer. “No.”
“Hmm…” She sipped her wine again, her thoughts closed off from me.
“Stacy, she’s a hard worker, she’s passionate, and she’s loyal. If you gave her any opportunity, even fetching coffee, she would be so grateful. If you don’t think she’s a good fit, I understand. But please consider her.” I couldn’t walk away from this meeting empty handed. I had to get Marie something. If I had to see that devastated look on her face again I would die.
“Well…” She pressed her fingers against her bottom lip as she considered my words.
My eyes drifted around the restaurant, and that’s when I spotted something I never anticipated seeing. Marie was there, but she wasn’t alone. Some guy was with her. He had blonde hair and blue eyes, looking like an Abercrombie and Fitch model. He pulled out the chair for her before he took the seat across from her. Judging the way they spoke to each other, this wasn’t their first date.
Fuck.
Stacy spoke. “Our internships are quite competitive. The only applicants we approve of are from IV league schools…”
She was on a date? With a pretty boy? How long had she been seeing him? Were they serious? The jealousy and pain rose deep inside me and I felt sick to my stomach. I hadn’t been this hurt in a long time. It was a freakish nightmare that needed to end.
But then I realized I had no right to be upset.
She told me she loved me and I still left her. I told her we could only be friends and nothing more. Every time she reached out to me I rejected her. I kept hurting her over and over. If I really got upset with her I’d really be an asshole.
Like she felt my gaze on her, she turned my way. Her eyes bore into mine, and the panic rose deep inside. She stared at me in horror, realizing that I was seeing her with some other guy. But then her eyes drifted to Stacy before the sadness set in.
She quickly looked away and never turned back.
Shit. She thought I was on a date.
She was clearly seeing this guy but I didn’t want her to think Stacy and I were involved. The last thing I wanted was for her to assume I was sleeping around when I’d been sleeping alone every night—usually in my truck. “Excuse me for just a second.”
Stacy was talking but halted in mid-sentence. “Okay...”
I walked to Marie’s table, feeling my heart swell to three times its size. My stomach clenched painfully and I felt sick. Getting close to her, and her date, was nauseating. I stopped at their table and suddenly forgot what to say.
Marie looked up at me, horrified of what I might say.
Her date stared at me in confusion, unsure if I were a manager or another employee.
My eyes were on Marie. “Hi…”
She held the menu in her fingertips, looking small. “Hi…”
“I just wanted you to know that I’m at a business meeting right now. I’m actually having an interview for another job.” It was a lie, but it was better than her thinking I was on a date.
“Okay…” She glanced at her date before she looked at me again.
“She and I aren’t romantically involved. I’m not on a date.”
“Okay…”
“I just wanted you to know that…” The last woman who had been in my bed was Marie—and no one else. If we couldn’t be together again the distinction didn’t matter. But it mattered to me.
“Alright…” She stared at me awkwardly, like she didn’t know what else to say.
“Well, have a good evening.”
“You too…”
I extended my hand to her date. “I’m sorry. I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Axel.”
He eyed it carefully before he took it. His eyes widened in recognition like he knew who I was. “Jason.”
“It’s nice to meet you.”
“You too…”
“You’re a lucky man.” I meant every word. I wish I were sitting across from her at that very moment. I wish we could have a few drinks then make love in my bed. But I was going home alone tonight.
“I know.” He pulled his hand away and grabbed his menu. “Have a good evening.”
I gave Marie one final look before I walked back to my table, still feeling sick and dead inside. I plopped down into my chair across from Stacy and immediately downed my entire glass of wine.
Stacy stared at me with concern. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah…just have a headache.”
“You’re as pale as a ghost.”
I loosened my tie slightly. “Just hot in here…what were you saying?”
Stacy kept staring at me. “Is that the girl you’re talking about?” She glanced over her shoulder at Marie’s table.
I nodded.
“She’s on a date?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Yeah.”
Stacy could see the feelings written all over my face. “She means something to you.”
“I care about her…” There was no shame in admitting that.
“Why are you doing this for a woman who’s on a date with someone else?”
There were a million reasons why and not enough time to explain them all. “I just want her to be happy.”
***
Now I was even more miserable than I was before.
Marie was dating some guy—and that guy wasn’t me. Despite how pissed and jealous I was there wasn’t a single thing I could do about it. I couldn’t tell her how much it bothered me—that it actually killed me.
What kind of man would I be if I did?
My days were even more meaningless than before. I went to work then went home. I woke up the next day and did it all over again. Every minute and every hour blurred together like it had no meaning.
Marie and I hadn’t spoken since I ran into her at the restaurant. I had important news to give her but I wasn’t ready to see her. I kept thinking about that guy sitting across from her. He seemed like a nice guy—which made me hate him even more.
When a week had gone by I knew I couldn’t procrastinate any longer. I had to face the music and rip off the bandage. After I g
ot off work and showered I headed to the house and walked inside. Francesca and Marie were both sitting at the kitchen table painting their nails while their homework remained untouched. “It’s me.” I locked the door behind me.
Marie didn’t react at all, so she must have spotted me approaching through the window. She continued to paint her forefinger with concentration.
“What brings you here?” Francesca waved her hand in the air to facilitate the drying.
“Wanted to see how you’re doing.” I took a seat at the table, leaving an open chair between Marie and I.
Francesca glanced between the two of us, noticing the tension that just emerged from nowhere. “Well, I’m doing great. Cameron is picking me up soon.”
“Where are you guys going?”
“To the movies.”
I eyed her nails. “Will he really be able to see your nails in the dark?”
“Shut up.” She blew on them.
I turned to Marie, who still ignored me. “Hi…”
“Hey…” She decided to change it up a little.
Francesca watched us like we were a soap opera.
It was awkward not to mention the guy she was with. But it was awkward to also mention him. I didn’t know what to do so I sat in silence.
Francesca continued to blow on her nails even though they were dry.
“Jason seems nice.” I finally said it. It was out in the open, breaking the ice.
“He is,” Marie said in agreement. “He’s in my ethics class.”
“You’ve been seeing him for a while?” Did she sleep with him?
“It was our second date.”
So, there was a good chance they hadn’t rounded the bases yet. Thank god. I wasn’t sure if I could handle that. “Cool…”
“How’d your interview go?” she asked.
“Actually, it wasn’t an interview,” I explained. “She’s my friend’s fiancé.”
“Okay…” She clearly didn’t know where I was going with this.
“She works for Prada in New York. I talked to her about getting you an internship—”
“What?” Francesca forgot about her nails.
I ignored her and kept looking at Marie. “But there wasn’t anything available.”
Marie stopped painting her nails even though they were only halfway finished. The sadness kept into her features at my announcement. “Well…that was thoughtful of you to try. I appreciate it.”