by E. L. Todd
“I’m her family too.”
“Exactly,” I said. “So, can we make this work?”
“When you say friends…what does that mean exactly?”
I shrugged. “That you don’t hate me.”
For the first time, her eyes softened. “Axel, I don’t hate you.”
“Really?”
“No, of course not.”
“Because it just seems like…I don’t know.”
“Well, it’s uncomfortable. We didn’t end on the best terms and it’s hard to bounce back from that.”
We didn’t end on the best terms? When I broke it off she seemed fine with it. Unless she was referring to the way I stormed out of her bedroom with my shirt on backwards. “Would it help if I apologized?”
She looked away.
“Marie…I don’t want it to be like this. When I came inside you wouldn’t even look at me. When I walked into that coffee shop it seemed like I repulsed you.”
“No…you never repulse me.”
“I still care about you and want to be in your life—if you’ll allow me.”
Her arms relaxed and her hands met together in her lap. She stared at the black TV screen on the wall while her mind considered my offer. She bit her bottom lip gently, what she usually did when she was deep in thought.
If she wanted me to never show my face around here again, I wasn’t sure what I would do.
“Okay.”
I turned back to her, surprised by that answer. “Really?”
She nodded. “Us being at odds with each other can’t be good for Francesca. I don’t want her to get stuck in the middle of it. She’s been doing a lot better but she’s not completely herself just yet. We shouldn’t give her any reason to stress out.”
As selfish as it made me sound, that wasn’t a concern. All I really cared about was seeing Marie, talking to her. I wanted to be in her life, even if it was at a distance. “You’re right. It might make things difficult on her.”
She extended her hand to me. “Friends?”
I eyed it and thought of the way she would trail her hands down my chest when we made love. I thought of the way she would cup my face and look deep into my eyes. I thought of the way she would rest her hand over my heart when I slept. I thought of all the things I could only cherish as a memory. “Friends.” I grabbed her hand and shook it.
***
I knocked before I walked inside. “Yo. It’s me.”
“No one cares.” Marie’s teasing voice came from the kitchen.
Hearing that smile in her voice gave me a burst of happiness that I couldn’t explain. “You’re wrong about that.” I held up the mail and tossed it on the table. “Since it was on the way…”
Marie grabbed the pile and searched it. “Bills…bills…late payment notice…bills…oh shit.”
“What?” Francesca was still whisking the batter at the counter but she stopped when she heard Marie gasp.
“It’s a letter from Vogue.” Marie held the envelope in her fingertips. Then she held it out to me like she didn’t know what else to do with it. “You read it.”
“Me?”
“You’re right.” She took it back. “Wait, no.” She held it out again. “I can’t read it. What if it says I’m a stupid girl who needs to dig a hole just so I can die in it?”
“Uh…I doubt they would take time out of their lives to say that.” Unless they were psychopaths.
“Marie, just open it,” Francesca said. “I bet it’s good news.”
“Wait,” I said. “Why would they mail a letter to your house? If you got an interview they would probably just call, right?” That wasn’t the best thing to say but it was the truth.
“True…” Marie’s face fell.
“Let’s stop guessing and just open it.” Francesca abandoned the batter and joined us, batter and flour smeared on her apron.
I held it out to Marie.
She shook her head.
“Are you sure?”
She nodded.
I ripped open the envelope and pulled out the letter. After scanning though the words I realized it was nothing good. It was full of disappointment and broken dreams.
Francesca could read my expression and already knew what the letter contained.
With every passing second the light in Marie’s eyes went out. “They rejected me?”
I folded the letter and returned it to the envelope. “It just said they didn’t have any more availability for the internship.” I wish I could just lie and say something else. Marie was the best person for that job. They were stupid not to pick her. “I’m sorry…”
She released a heavy sigh. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up…”
“No.” Francesca wrapped her arms around her. “They’re just stupid, Marie. Don’t listen to them.”
“They probably picked some IV league students…”
I tossed the letter on the table and felt my heart ache.
“Something else will come along,” Francesca said. “Don’t worry about it.”
“She’s right,” I said. “This is just one place you applied to.”
Marie moved out of Francesca’s embrace then slowly walked down the hall. She went into her bedroom and shut the door behind her, clearly wanting to be alone.
“Poor girl…” Francesca shook her head.
“They missed out.” I couldn’t personally attest to Marie’s abilities but I knew she wanted that position more than anyone else who applied for it.
“She wanted this so much…I feel bad for her.”
“She’ll be alright. Something better will come along.” She walked back to the counter and continued to whisk the batter.
My eyes were still glued down the hallway, thinking about Marie and her broken heart.
“Can you hand me that bag of chocolate chips?”
I heard her say something but I didn’t catch what it was. I was too busy staring down the hallway at Marie’s door. I wanted to go to her, comfort her in any way I knew how. She didn’t deserve to be sad—for any reason.
“Axel?”
I walked down the hall then approached her bedroom door. The last time I walked inside she told me she loved me and I took off. Now it was hard to cross the threshold knowing that was the last memory we made together. My need to be there for her outweighed my shame and I stepped inside.
Marie sat on her bed with her teddy bear pulled to her chest. She looked like she was on the verge of tears but refused to let them out. Her teddy bear was bent at an odd angle because it was being squeezed so tightly.
I joined her on the bed but didn’t touch her.
She stared at me without hiding her emotions. She wasn’t just disappointed she didn’t get the internship. She was devastated. “I know it’s just a job…one that I wasn’t even going to get paid for. But I really wanted it, you know?”
“Yeah, I do know.”
She rested her chin on her teddy bear. “The worst part is, I don’t know what I could have done better. I did everything to the best of my ability and it still wasn’t enough.”
“The problem wasn’t you. They only had a few spots and hundreds of applications.” My hand automatically went to her hair and I pulled the strands out of her face. The touch was automatic because I’d done it so many times.
She didn’t pull away, like she wanted the affection to happen. “What if I don’t get anything?”
“That won’t happen.”
“But what if it does?”
“You didn’t apply to every single writing gig in the city. There’s always an opportunity somewhere. Don’t feel discouraged. You will find something. Even if it’s not your dream job you’ll work up to it. Where you start doesn’t have to be the place where you end.”
“I guess you’re right…”
I moved closer to her on the bed and wrapped my arm around her. The second I held her that way I felt better. It felt so good to hold her the way I used to. That closeness and intim
acy was something I once lived for. It was beautiful and comforting—to both of us.
I rested my chin on her head and closed my eyes, holding onto the moment as long as I could. Being right next to her was so much better than sleeping in my truck outside. Listening to her breathe, to those musical sighs, was the best lullaby I ever heard. “Baby, you’re the smartest, most talented woman I’ve ever known. You will get something great—because you deserve it.” I tightened her against my body and held her the same way she held that teddy bear.
Her face moved into my chest and she closed her eyes, allowing me to treasure her.
I held her that way for a long time because it felt like home. Feeling her in my arms was better than any other sensation I’ve ever felt. It was better than sex. I inhaled the scent of her perfume and wished that smell were still ingrained in my sheets. I knew I missed her, but I didn’t realize just how much until that moment.
As the night deepened we didn’t move. Francesca never came to the door to check on us. My eyes grew lidded and heavy, and when I peeked down to look at her face I noticed her eyes were closed too. She leaned on me like a crutch, the teddy bear slack in her arms.
I lay back and pulled her with me, placing her head on the pillow beside me. Her eyes opened to a sliver and she looked at me. The sleepiness was still in her eyes but she registered my face. The teddy bear was placed aside and she automatically wrapped her arms around me instead.
I kicked off my shoes and pulled her flush against my body. We were both fully clothed and on top of the sheets but neither one of us were cold. I reached the lamp on her bedside and turned it off, blanketing us in darkness.
My hand slid up the back of her shirt and reached the small of her back. I loved resting it there. The curves of her body were appetizing but I didn’t feel the hardness in my jeans. My heart was the one reacting, beating hard and providing my body with enough blood to appreciate this moment.
My hand left her back then dug into her hair. My fingertips grazed the soft strands, remembering passionate nights we spent together in this very bed. For that moment in time she was mine again. I closed my eyes and pressed my face to hers, feeling my body relax the way it used to. I was already drifting away, entering my dreams.
Because she was next to me.
Stupid
Marie
When I woke up that morning I felt refreshed, invigorated, and actually happy. I didn’t get the internship with Vogue, the job that I wanted more than anything, but somehow I was okay with it.
Then I remembered why.
I opened my eyes and saw Axel next to me. He was wrapped around my body, keeping me warm and comfortable. His hand was anchored in my hair, his fingers glued to the strands. His features were relaxed, looking beautiful and breathtaking.
I missed this.
When he came into my room last night I didn’t have the strength to keep him away. I wanted those strong hands to wrap around me, to give me the solace I craved most. I was weak and let my defenses fall down.
Now he was still there.
I wanted to keep still and enjoy his closeness for another moment. Having him there was a dream come true. I craved his touch. Even though he had a girlfriend I still wanted to keep him all to myself.
After I stared at his face for a few minutes, committing it to memory, I left the bed and started to get ready for class.
Axel stirred the moment he realized I was gone. He sat up in bed, his hair messy from the way I fingered it in the middle of the night. He wiped the sleep from his eyes before he focused his gaze on me.
“Morning.” Having him sleep here was a bad idea. I was trying to get over him, trying to move on with a nice guy that wouldn’t hurt me. Sleeping with him wasn’t going to help me. In fact, it would only hurt.
“Morning.” He ran his fingers through his hair and blinked a few times before he stood up. His jeans and shirt were wrinkled but he still made them look good.
“You should get going or you’ll be late to work.” I grabbed an outfit from my closet and laid it on the bed. I kept myself busy so I wouldn’t fall back into his arms and beg him to never go.
“Shit.” He looked at the time. “You’re right.” He pulled on his shoes then walked toward me. “How are you?”
“I’m fine.” I just wanted him to leave. We didn’t fool around but I still felt like we did something wrong. Would Alexia appreciate the fact Axel spent the night in my bed? I didn’t like that skank, but I never wanted to be the other woman. “I’ll keep applying to stuff and hope for something good.”
He looked at me just the way he used to, like he wished he could fix all my problems for me. “It’ll work out. You’re destined for great things. I can tell.”
I wish he would stay. When he said sweet things like that I wanted to fall back into bed and never leave. I wanted to make love slowly and gently just the way we used to. I wanted to tell him I loved him and hear him say it back. “You should get going…”
He glanced at the clock on my nightstand. “Now I’ll definitely be late.” But instead of leaving in a rush like he should he just stood there. He stared at me without blinking, looking at me like he never wanted to stop.
Heaviness filled the air and I felt the weight on my shoulders. I wanted to get back into bed and rip his clothes off. I wouldn’t care about losing the internship if I had him in my life. Everything else would seem irrelevant.
The longer he stared at me the weaker I became. My resolve was slipping and soon I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands to myself. Instead of waiting for him to leave I had to get out of there—fast. “I need to shower. You can let yourself out.” I walked passed him and got into the bathroom. I shut the door as quickly as possible then locked it so he couldn’t follow me. Right now I needed a heavy slab of wood to keep us apart. My hands had a mind of their own and they wanted to feel that powerful chest while he lay on top of me. My lips wanted his. My legs wanted to wrap around his hips and never let go.
I turned on the shower and made sure the water was cold. Right now I needed a splash of reality. These feelings needed to be bottled deep inside—so they could never escape.
***
The second I walked into The Grind Francesca swooped in.
“What happened last night?”
I clocked in and tied my apron around my waist. “Uh, hi.”
She stomped her foot. “What happened last night? Did you get back together? Did he tell you he loved you? Please tell me he pulled his head out of his ass.”
“Nothing happened.”
She raised an eyebrow like she didn’t believe me for a second. “So Axel was in there all night—in your bedroom—and nothing happened?”
“Yes.”
She crossed her arms over her chest.
“He held me for a long time and tried to make me feel better…and then we lay down and fell asleep. That’s it.”
“No, there’s a huge difference.”
Difference?
“Did you just fall asleep? Or did you go to sleep together?”
“What the hell does it matter?”
“It does matter,” she argued. “Hawke and I would lay together and hold each other, completely awake and aware of what we were doing. We would touch each other, feeling our pulse and our breaths. We would exist in the moment together, having an entire conversation in silence. We would do that until we eventually fell asleep. That’s completely different than being so bored that you fell asleep without even realizing he was there. Now, which was it?”
It definitely wasn’t the second one. “It doesn’t matter. It’ll never happen again.”
“Marie, you better answer me.”
“The first one…”
The bell rang over the door but neither one of us headed to the counter.
She didn’t give me a triumphant look. “Marie, listen to me. I know what I’m talking about. Couples don’t just do that sort of thing—unless they’re in love.”
“But—”
/> “When two people can sleep together and not have sex that means something serious is going on.”
“Isn’t it the opposite? When two people are in love they can’t keep their hands off each other?”
“No. Definitely not.”
Deep down inside, I knew what she meant.
“The relationship is more than just attraction and physical lust. It’s about the relief you feel when he’s just in the room. Your bodies need each other in order to exist peacefully. That pull, that tug, transcends human understanding. Those supernatural experiences, the ones that don’t make sense, are the ones that make the most sense. Do you understand?”
“No…and yes.”
“Hawke and I had similar experiences. Listen to your heart and trust what it’s saying.”
I already knew exactly what my heart was saying. “Francesca, it doesn’t matter. Maybe I feel that way, feel that tug, but he doesn’t. If he did, he would be with me.”
“But he does want to be with you.”
I couldn’t tell her about Alexia, not without dragging Hawke into it. I had to keep it to myself.
“He just hasn’t realized it yet.”
How could he spend the night with me and hold me then go back to his girlfriend the next day? It didn’t make any sense to me. “We should get to work…”
“Think about what I said.”
That’s all I ever thought about.
***
I tried to sleep that night but couldn’t find any peace. After sleeping in his arms last night it was impossible to get comfortable. I should have asked him to leave instead of letting him stay. Now I had to get used to sleeping alone all over again.
I tossed and turned then looked at the time.
2:15 A.M.
I may have to invest in sleeping pills—or get a boyfriend pillow.
I left the bedroom then walked into the kitchen. Eating late at night wasn’t smart for my waistline but I didn’t care at the moment. I opened the fridge and searched for something good. Most of the things inside required preparation, and I was just looking for an easy fix. I grabbed a slice of cheese and snacked on it like a mouse.
I sat at the kitchen table and looked out the window, and that’s when I noticed Axel’s truck at the curb.