by E. L. Todd
“I’m not going anywhere.” She crossed her arms over her chest and stood her ground.
“You’re welcome to lay around here, but I’m not leaving.”
“Fine.”
“Fine.” I moved to the hallway. “I’m going to take a shower. Make yourself comfortable.”
***
After I cleaned up I walked back into the living room. Marie was sitting on one end of the couch, wearing a black dress with wedges. Her legs were crossed and she was watching TV. I left the daytime cartoons on.
“I’m a child. I know.” I sat on the opposite end of the couch, keeping distance between us.
“That’s not what I was thinking.”
“Oh really?”
She shook her head. “I like cartoons too. I grew up on them, you know?”
I leaned back into the couch, feeling a little better now that I showered and brushed my teeth. “My favorite was transformers. Yours?”
“Tiny Toons.” She smiled at the memory.
“Good choice.”
She grabbed the remote and turned off the TV.
I knew what was coming.
“Please come with me.”
“No.”
“Axel—”
“I said no. He abandoned me—both of us.”
“I know,” she said gently.
“He didn’t think twice about it. He shot himself in our kitchen, knowing I would come home from school and see it. What kind of sick freak does that?”
Her eyes fell in pity but she kept pressing on. “Even so—”
“He left us as orphans. He dropped us on Yaya, who just lost a daughter. He was a fucking asshole.”
“I get it.”
“I don’t think you do. I was still numb from my mother’s death and then I came home to his brains all over the walls. You think that image isn’t forever ingrained in my mind? It doesn’t matter how many years pass, I’ll never forget it.”
“Axel, he’s your father.”
“And I’m his son—but he turned his back on me. Now I’m going to do the same to him.”
“If you keep harboring this anger you’re just going to make yourself feel worse.”
“Shut up.”
Marie’s eyes narrowed on my face, and she looked like she might slap me.
I realized how badly I fucked up. “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Damn right you shouldn’t have.”
“I take it back.” I felt guilty as soon as I said those words. Marie didn’t deserve to be treated that way. “You should just go…I’m not my best today.”
“I’m not going anywhere—unless you come with me.”
“Then we’re watching a blank TV screen for the rest of the day.”
“Fine.” She turned back to the TV and fell silent.
I stared at the other wall.
Minutes of silence passed. She crossed her legs then uncrossed them.
“When we’re depressed we do crazy things,” she said. “If you’d gotten home earlier I’m sure he would have changed his mind. He was experiencing a lot of grief and he didn’t know how to handle it. I’m not justifying his actions, but keep in mind he was going through a lot. He just lost his wife and now he was a single father to two kids. It would terrify anyone.”
“My mom wouldn’t have left us. If she knew what he did she’d be so disappointed in him…”
“Women are different than men.”
“What kind of excuse is that?” I snapped.
“Women are more emotional so they can handle it. Men are different in that way.”
“Don’t justify what he did. He was a coward and we both know it.”
“Maybe he was.”
I turned to her.
“Maybe he was a piece-of-shit father for abandoning the two of you. But you should still forgive him.”
“I don’t have to do anything.” If he could take his own life so easily, then I could forget about him. “I’m not one to hold a grudge but this is different. I would never leave our kids like that, even if you died—” I closed my eyes in anguish when I realized my stupidity. I said something I could never take back no matter how hard I tried, and now that echo would live on forever. Marie heard it, and I heard it a million times over. I was stuck in that moment forever, reliving it. I turned the other way so I wouldn’t have to look at her anymore. I was humiliated beyond words, confessing feelings I wasn’t even sure I had.
Marie didn’t say anything. She was dead silent.
I stared at the wall again, feeling the tension rise. It was palpable and hot, burning my skin as it pressed against me. I’d give anything to have a redo, to fix what just happened.
Marie rose from the couch.
I saw her movements in my peripheral vision. She’d probably grab her flowers then leave. After what I said she was probably fed up with me. I made her so uncomfortable that she wanted to walk out.
She slowly approached my side of the couch, her leg touching my knee. I felt her rub against me.
I kept staring at the wall, refusing to make eye contact with her. I was aware of her closeness, even the rate of her breathing. Her scent washed over me, hinting at vanilla and honey. My heart skipped a beat when she was close to me.
Marie placed her hands on either side of my head, grabbing the back of the couch. Then she straddled my hips and slid into my lap, her chest pressed to mine. Her forehead connected with mine.
My hands automatically ran up her thighs until I gripped her hips. Her dress rose up past her thighs, exposing most of her skin. Her pink panties could be seen but I didn’t look at them.
My heart wouldn’t slow down.
Her arms wrapped around my neck and she kept her face pressed to mine. The swell of her breasts rubbed against my chest, and I remembered the way they felt against my bare skin when we made love.
My entire body was on fire. Feeling her touch me, invade me, made everything burn. I felt uneasy, but I also felt better than I had in a long time. The aches and pains in my body seemed to disappear. All I felt was the syncing of our heartbeats and the match of our breaths.
I forgot what we were just talking about.
My hands glided to her back, feeling the steep curve there. I loved the curves of her body. It reminded me of the various hills in the Swiss Alps. They were deadly, but also beautiful.
Marie placed her fingers against my chin and tilted my chin up slightly, forcing my look on her. She stared into my eyes, the look on her face matching mine. Her fingers dug into my hair just the way they used to.
Feeling that connection with her chased away all the anger and pain. The bitterness evaporated like steam on a hot pan. All I felt was the peace she gave me. It wrapped around me like a warm blanket on a winter morning. It was the greatest sensation I’d ever known.
“Axel?”
When she said my name my entire body tensed. It was on alert, ready to obey whatever command she gave. “Baby?”
“Come to the cemetery with me.” She continued to look into my eyes, forcing me to obey with just a look.
I still didn’t want to go, but I didn’t want to deny her either. In that moment she could get me to do anything. She hypnotized me with her spell, manipulating me with just her touch. She possessed the kind of magic that affected everyone around her. She tempted me with this affection, the feel of her warm skin under my fingertips. For a moment, it seemed like she was mine.
And that made me crumble.
“Axel?”
Helpless, I obeyed. “Okay.”
***
I didn’t even know where the grave was. Somehow, Marie did.
She held the flowers in one hand while she held mine with the other. She stopped when we reached the headstone. It was a slab of charcoal marble with his name etched into the stone. My name as well as Francesca’s was written at the bottom, saying we were his legacy.
I stared at it and felt nothing.
Marie held the flowers out to me.
But I still felt nothing.
Marie hooked her arm through mine.
When I visited my mom’s grave I always came alone. No one was around so I told her about my life, the things that were going on. I told her about Francesca and what she was up to. She couldn’t hear me but I spoke anyway. Somehow, it made me feel better. It made it seem like she was still there with me.
But what did I do with my father?
Marie stood beside me in silence. She didn’t pressure me to do anything. She was just there—comforting me.
Seeing his name in the stone brought back so many memories. I remembered how depressed he was when my mom was diagnosed. With every passing week he became worse. He was heartbroken before she was even gone. Despite how much I hated him I knew one thing.
He really loved my mother.
“Tell me your fondest memory of him.”
“Of my father?” I whispered.
“Yeah.”
I searched my memory and thought of so many things. Before my mom got sick we were close. We did a lot of stuff together. “We used to go fishing a lot. Francesca would come sometimes, but it was mainly just he and I. He taught me everything he knew. On my tenth birthday he got me a new fishing pole. It was a real one—not those little boy ones. I thought that was the coolest thing.”
Her fingers rested on my arm. “That’s nice.”
“There’s other stuff too…but I remember that one the most.”
“Thank you for sharing.”
I stared at the grass below my feet, noting how thick and long it was. It was lush and green. The graveyard was beautiful. Both of my parents were buried in a nice place. “I try to look after Francesca as much as I can but it’s hard sometimes…I’m not sure how you tolerated her for so long.” The words left my lips on their own. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until it was already done. “I protect her and chase the dogs away but I don’t like it. It’s hard work. You know how she is…”
Marie rubbed my arm gently.
“I understand why you did what you did…but that doesn’t make it right. Francesca and I always feel alone even though we have each other. It’s just not the same…not having a parent.” I felt my eyes water so I closed them so they would stop. “You should have got help…you should have talked to someone. You should have done something…”
My chest hurt from all the pain I suppressed over the years. “I miss you.”
Marie rested her head on my shoulder, and her quiet tears echoed in my ear.
“I think you’d be proud of me. I think you would like the man I’ve become. But I’ll never know…because you left.”
Marie sniffed.
“I know I should let it go. I know I should forgive you. But it’s hard…”
Marie tightened her hold on me.
“I’m sorry for not coming to your funeral. I’m sorry for not visiting. It was just too hard. I think it was easier to be angry than to admit how hurt I am that you’re gone. I didn’t know what else to do…so I started to hate you instead.
“But I don’t hate you. I hate myself for not seeing the signs, for not doing something about it before it was too late. Maybe if I had, we’d still be a family right now. You might have come to my college graduation. And you might come to Francesca’s.” I stopped talking because it was becoming too difficult. I wasn’t the most emotional guy in the world. Feelings didn’t come to me easily, and when they did I hardly acknowledged them. And I never cried. The fact I was about to made me tense in anxiety. I fell silent and allowed the agony to pass, to circulate through my body and disappear.
The sound of crunching leaves emerged from the left. The footsteps seemed light, like a small person was approaching us.
I turned to see my sister standing there, her hand full of flowers. She stared at me like she’d never seen me before. It was the first time she really looked at me. Pride and sadness came over her face, unable to believe I was really there—with her.
She walked up to me, the flowers still in her hands. Her eyes welled with tears and fell freely down her face. Her eyes and cheeks didn’t turn red. All they did was moisten.
Marie stepped away, giving the two of us some privacy.
Francesca moved into my chest and wrapped her arms around me, holding me tightly. Once she was there she began to cry. Her tears soaked my chest, and her small body convulsed with the pain.
I held her and felt my own tears emerge, feeling the same pain at the same time. My chin rested on her head and I mourned for everything we lost. It was just she and I against the world. No matter how bad things became we still had each other. It didn’t matter how much we fought or how much we hated each other at times. The love we had for each other was unconditional. We would make it through—like always.
***
When we walked back into my apartment there was only one thing I wanted.
Marie.
I didn’t want sex. I didn’t want to get off. I didn’t want something physical and meaningless.
I wanted her.
When we were together, we always made something beautiful. When I was inside her I felt whole. As our bodies moved together the pain was shaved off. We fell into each other, finding comfort the only way we knew how.
She wasn’t my drug.
She was my cure.
Once the door was shut and we were alone, I went for it. My hands dug into her hair forcefully and I positioned her against the wall. I rubbed my nose against hers before I placed a kiss on her lips.
Her kiss was full of hesitance, as if the moment didn’t feel right. She didn’t kiss me the way she used to. There was more fear than anything else.
I pressed my body against hers and slowed down the kiss. I felt her lips with mine, sucking the bottom one before lightly caressing the top. Her lips were soft just the way they used to be. I missed this. I missed kissing her, touching her, and adoring her.
She responded to me, her lips parting and allowing me inside. Now that my body was open like a damn everything came flooding out. I needed her more than ever, to fix this unbearable pain. I never felt more alive when we were together. And I never felt more at peace.
This wasn’t a good idea. Tomorrow morning it would probably be a regret. But I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted this more than anything, to have just one night with her. I wanted to forget about the next day and all the heartbreak it would bring.
I scooped her into my arms and carried her into my bedroom. Our kisses were still slow and soft. When they parted a light smacking noise filled the air. Kissing her was the biggest turn on because she was so good at it. I loved the way her small tongue felt against mine.
I slowly undressed her while my mouth was glued to hers. I wanted to see her body but I wanted to kiss her more. I got the dress unzipped and loose from her body. Then I pulled it off, taking her bra and panties too.
She wrapped her legs around my waist as she pulled off my shirt, kissing me with the same intensity as before. Then her hands moved to my jeans, unbuttoning them and removing them.
I got my boxers off, kicking them to the side as quickly as possible. All I wanted was to be inside her, to fall into a world where nothing else could follow. She was the only thing that could make me forget the ghosts that haunted me.
I positioned myself on top of her and got ready to feel that connection, that overwhelming pleasure that made me forget everything else. I didn’t want to screw her. I wanted to make love to her, and have her make love to me in return.
“Stop.” She placed her hand on my chest.
I was just about to enter her but stopped when she asked. “What is it, baby?”
“I just can’t do this.” She scooted back, pulling herself aw
ay from me.
I hid my disappointment. “Is everything okay?”
“I can’t do this knowing you have a girlfriend. It’s just wrong.”
A girlfriend? What? “I don’t have a girlfriend.”
She stopped being hesitant and immediately turned angry. “Axel, don’t lie to me. That’s the worst thing you can possibly do.”
“I’m not lying.” If I had a girlfriend it would be her.
“I know you’re seeing Alexia.”
“Yuck.” I blurted it out automatically. She was a troll compared to Marie. “I’m not seeing her. I haven’t been with her since before you and I got together. Where the hell are you getting this from?”
“Then why was she in your apartment a few weeks ago?” Despite her nakedness she looked terrifying.
In my apartment? Alexia hadn’t been in my apartment since… “How did you know that?”
“I came by to talk to you and she opened the door.”
She opened the door? Why didn’t she tell me? I’d never been more confused in my life. “Why didn’t you come inside? Why didn’t you tell me you came by?”
“Because that skank told me you were her boyfriend and I needed to stop showing my face.”
“What?” I snapped. “She said that?”
“Yes.”
Why would Alexia say that? “But it’s not true.”
“Well, she thought so.”
“The only reason why she was there was because she needed a place to crash. Her roommate’s boyfriend was at her place and she wasn’t comfortable. She just showed up on my doorstep and I couldn’t turn her away. I swear, nothing happened. I don’t know why she made all that shit up.”
Marie’s anger dimmed away. Her eyes didn’t look so threatening, and her body relaxed. “Then why did she say that?”
I shrugged. “I don’t have a clue. She did ask me out a few times but I turned her down. Maybe she was getting back at me by scaring you off.”
“She knew we were broken up.”
I couldn’t lie about that. “I told her…”
Marie crossed her arms over her chest.
“I swear, I’m not seeing her and haven’t been seeing her in the past. I wouldn’t lie to you.”