by E. L. Todd
“Are you seeing anyone…?” He asked the question hesitantly, like he shouldn’t be asking it at all.
I hadn’t been on a date with anyone, and I hadn’t looked for a date either. New York was new and I was still acclimating to everything. “No.”
His breathing increased slightly.
“You?” I wasn’t sure why I asked the question when I already knew the answer.
“No. But I did tell Alexia off for that bullshit she said to you.”
“Better late than never, right?”
“She’s a psychopath. No wonder why her boyfriend dumped her.”
I turned on my side and set the phone under my ear, listening to his presence over the phone.
“Are you doing okay? I’m always here if you need anything.”
“I’m fine. Francesca and I can handle ourselves.”
“How’s her search for a bakery?”
I was surprised he didn’t know this already. They clearly hadn’t been speaking. “She thinks she’s found the right spot. She’s going to put a bid on it tomorrow and see what happens.”
“Good for her. I hope she gets it.”
“I’m sure she will. Good things happen to good people.”
“True.” Even though he had nothing else to say he stayed on the phone. He listened to my presence as I listened to his. “I’m sorry that I called you. I just miss talking to you…it’s weird when I don’t talk to you.”
I felt my eyes well up with tears. “I know what you mean.”
“I still drive by the house even though I know you aren’t there.”
I hugged the teddy bear to my chest.
“And I still have your scarf…it’s in my top drawer.”
I misplaced my red and green scarf and was never able to find it again. I thought when I packed up my things I could discover it again. Now I knew where it ended up. “I was wondering what happened to it.”
“Now you don’t need to wonder.”
Talking to him was harder than I anticipated. My heart wanted to reach through the phone and touch him. My hands yearned for his body. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and never let go. The longing consumed me and blacked out everything else. “I should go…” I needed to get off the phone before I broke down and gave into my tears. The last thing I needed was for him to understand just how much I missed him, that walking away from him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
“I’m sorry for keeping you up. Good night, Marie.”
“Good night, Axel.”
Instead of hanging up he stayed on the line. His breathing was a distant sound, almost silent. “I love you.”
His words echoed in my mind endlessly. I’d long to hear those words for so long, and now I’ve heard them twice. They were beautiful, but now they were beautiful in a painful way. They burned me, scarred me. Instead of bringing me joy they brought me pain. “I love you too.”
Choices
Axel
I’d applied for positions all over the place. My focus used to be New York but now that Marie was there I wasn’t sure if that’s where I wanted to be. Of course, I wanted to see her. I wanted to be close to her. But that might make things harder on me.
She didn’t want me.
If I lived in the same city as she, bumped into her from time-to-time at Starbucks, I would never get over her. I would never move on and find happiness again. The best thing I could do for both of us was move somewhere far away.
I gave into my weakness and called her when I shouldn’t have. I desperately needed to hear her voice, to listen to her breathe. I was going crazy without those sounds. Unable to sleep, I did the one thing that actually made me feel good.
Now another two weeks had passed and I was running on empty. I needed Marie to get through another day. The longing was swelling inside me, eating me alive. All I wanted was to hold her and end this suffering.
Sometimes I wondered if I could get her back if I tried harder. What if I say something to change her mind? What if I did something to make her reconsider? When I told her I loved her she said it back. That had to mean there was some hope.
But if there were any hope would she have moved away? Would she have rejected my love? Was there really no hope at all and I was just seeing something that wasn’t really there?
I didn’t know.
After work I got a phone call that complicated things.
“Axel, this is Henry from Worldwide Investments. We met a few weeks ago.”
I knew exactly who he was. He ran a huge investment company in Manhattan. It was one of the biggest firms in the city. Actually, in the nation. I applied in the expectation of getting rejected, so when they called me for an interview I was surprised. And when three weeks passed and I didn’t hear from them, I just assumed they picked someone else for the job. “Hello, Henry. How are you?”
“I’m well. You?”
“Great,” I said. “And even better because I expect this will be a good phone call.”
He chuckled. “You’re right, it is. We hired someone else for the position but they ended up being a poor fit for this company. It turns out, he lied about his transcripts.”
What an idiot.
“I’ve already looked into your application and verified everything. Since you were our second choice, I’d like to offer you the job.”
I wasn’t even insulted at his use of words. I was second best but that didn’t matter to me. Now I was at the front of the line. “Wow. That’s great.”
“So, you’re still interested?”
I’d changed my plans to move back to Florida. I still had a lot of friends there from college. And the place didn’t have a trace of Marie. I could get back into party mode and move on with other girls. But now that he was offering me the job of a lifetime, something I never expected to get this early in my career, I couldn’t say no. It would be stupid to do so. “Absolutely.”
“Great. When can you come in to discuss specifics?”
“I’m available whenever you are.” I’d ditch work if I had to.
“How about tomorrow? I apologize for the rush, but we need you as soon as possible. Since the previous applicant didn’t work out we’re short on time.”
“That’s fine. I can make it work.” I’d prefer to put in my two weeks in at my current job because it was professional, but if I didn’t have a choice they could deal with it. They were paying me shit anyway.
“Great. I look forward to seeing you.”
“You too.” After I hung up I fell on the couch and felt my body give way to the adrenaline. I just got my dream job and it literally fell into my lap. I was just about to pack up my things and move back to Florida when this opportunity fell into my hands.
It was like it was meant to happen.
***
Francesca spoke over the phone. “Hey, do you have a minute?”
I stood on the sidewalk near my parked car. People passed me, talking on their cell phones or drinking cups of coffee. “Yeah. What’s up?” I hadn’t spoken to her since she moved to New York. I was in a deep depression and didn’t feel like talking to anyone, even family.
“I don’t want to drop this on you but I don’t know what else to do.”
The seriousness of the conversation made me forget about my surroundings entirely. Whenever someone I loved was in trouble I was there—in a heartbeat. “What is it?”
“I got the bid for the bakery. But the cost of the renovations is insanely expensive. I qualify for a loan but I need someone to cosign it…” She understood exactly what she was asking me.
It was a big deal. If her shop went under I’d be stuck paying for it. It was terrifying. “I need to see your business plan before I agree to this.”
“Okay.” She didn’t put up an argument. “Thank you, Axel.”
“I didn’t say yes.”
“No. But I know you will.”
***
Francesca was still living with Marie so I knew I would see her. That was on
e good thing about this situation. It’d been nearly a month since I set eyes on her. We spoke on the phone, but that was so long ago now that I was desperate for her presence all over again.
I knocked on the door and waited for Francesca to open it.
“Hey. You got here fast.” She shut the door behind me and walked with me into the living room. The kitchen table was crammed against the window because there wasn’t much room.
I glanced around hoping to see Marie, but she was nowhere in sight.
“And why are you dressed like that?”
I was wearing one of my designer suits. “I had a job interview.”
“Seriously?” She sat at the table and stared at me with wide eyes. “That’s exciting.”
“And I got the job.” I took the seat across from her.
“That’s even better,” she blurted. “Where?”
“Worldwide investments. It’s the biggest firm in the city. When they offered it to me I couldn’t say no.”
“Did you want to say no…?”
“I was planning on moving to Florida.” I didn’t need to explain why. Francesca would understand.
She nodded, a sad look in her eyes.
“But I couldn’t turn it down so I’m going to look for a place.”
“That’s so exciting. I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks.”
“And I’m glad you aren’t moving to Florida. That’s too far away…”
“Like you’d miss me.”
She looked me in the eye. “I would, actually.”
Moments like these were rare. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if they were real. “So…lay it on me.”
She took a deep breath before she organized her papers. “If you say no there’s no hard feelings—at all. There’s absolutely no pressure. I only asked you because—”
“You have no one else to ask.”
She shrugged.
“So, all of this depends on me. No pressure at all…”
“Axel, if you say no I’ll figure out something else. There’s always another way. I can work for a few years and save up some money. Honestly, it’s not a big deal.”
“Just get on with it.”
She opened the folder and began her speech. It was clearly rehearsed and she was terrified I wouldn’t approve of the model she spent so much time on. My sister didn’t usually care for my opinion but she cared this time. I remained silent and listened to every word she said.
***
The front door opened. “I picked up Chinese.”
“Thanks,” Francesca said. “I love spring rolls.” She just finished telling me her business model and was awaiting judgment.
When Marie spotted me at the kitchen table she dropped her bag of take out. “Shit.”
I immediately got up and picked up the bag before anything spilled inside. Fortunately, I was wearing my best suit and did my hair to the best of my ability that day. I rose to my full height and looked down at her, mesmerized by the exquisite features of her face. She was absolutely beautiful—like always. I wanted to trace the lines of her lips with my tongue. Just the thought gave me shivers. “Hi…”
She took the bag with shaky hands. “Hi…”
“Sorry, I should have given you a heads up,” Francesca said.
“Yeah, that would have been nice,” Marie said sarcastically.
I looked her up and down, noting her designer clothes. “You look nice.”
“Thanks.” Her cheeks tinted slightly, showing she was nervous around me.
After four weeks apart I thought I would be immune to her presence, but I suckered in all over again. My body burned with heat and my hands were freezing cold from not touching her. I felt the usual burn between us, trying to ignite.
Marie cleared her throat and walked around me. She placed the food on the table and gave Francesca a glare. “So…what are you guys doing?”
“I showed him my business model. I have to sign the loan tomorrow.”
“Oh…” Marie nodded in understanding.
“Axel just got a job in the city,” Francesca said. “It looks like he’s moving here.”
“Oh…” She took a deep breath like that was the worst news ever.
I put my hands in my pockets so I wouldn’t grab her. “Frankie, I liked your model and think it has promise. But I need the evening to think it over.”
“That’s fine,” Francesca said. “Take your time.”
Now it was time for me to go but I didn’t want to leave. I was only around Marie for a few minutes. I wanted more time with her. “Well, I’ll talk to you later.” I walked out, hoping Marie would follow me. When the door was shut behind me I kept waiting for it to open again. For some reason I thought Marie might change her mind once she saw me. I knew she wanted me as much as I wanted her. I was still obsessed with her, still in love with her.
And I think she felt the same.
***
Since I was in the city, I met up with Hawke.
“You’re moving here?” Hawke didn’t hide his joy. “Dude, that’s so awesome. It’s just not the same without you being around.”
“Yeah…I’m excited.” Not really.
He finished his beer then watched me closely. “I have a feeling there’s a bunch of shit going on in your life and I’m not sure if I want to hear about it.”
“You don’t.”
He rubbed his chin with his fingers, his facial hair thicker than usual. “At least tell me you and Marie are still together.”
“We broke up.”
He cringed. “Come on, man.”
“I was stupid and I screwed it up. When I tried to get her back again she said we were done. She was tired of me yanking on her chain.”
“Can’t blame her…”
“So I lost her…again.”
“Sorry, man.”
I couldn’t stop thinking about how her legs looked in that skirt. I couldn’t stop picturing her soft hair and how it would feel against my lips. I missed her like crazy. “Now I don’t know what to do. I’m moving here so I’ll never get over her.”
“Why would you want to get over her?”
“Did you not hear my story?”
“Do you love the girl or not?”
I’d told her how I felt twice. And the second time she said it back. I never felt more alive than I did in that moment. “Yes.”
“Does she feel the same way?”
I nodded. “She told me a few weeks ago.”
“Then get her back, Axel. Turn on the charm and make it happen.”
“It’s not so simple…”
“What does that matter? If she’s the one, don’t let her go. Prove to her you’re going to stick around. Make sure she knows you aren’t going to go anywhere.”
Even then, I wasn’t sure of success.
“What other choice do you have?” he asked. “Sleep around and hope you feel that way again? Let me tell you from experience. You never feel that way more than once. It just doesn’t happen.”
I knew he was talking about Francesca but I didn’t want to go any further down that road. “I’ll think about it…”
Hawke dropped it when he knew I had enough.
I remembered the graduation and how I spotted him there. He turned and disappeared before I could get any closer. Even now, I still wasn’t sure if I saw him. “Were you at the graduation?”
“What graduation?”
That was a dead giveaway that he was there. “Don’t play stupid. You know Francesca just graduated. The fact you act like you don’t know tells me you were there but you’re throwing me off your trail.”
He kept a stoic expression, like always. “I wasn’t.”
“Full of shit.”
“Why would I go to her graduation?”
“Because you’re the strangest dude I’ve ever known. That’s why.” He still checked on her and made sure she was okay even though they’d been broken up for a year. It didn’t make any sense and never would.
; “I’m not strange.”
“Why won’t you just admit you were there?”
“Because I wasn’t?” he said like a smartass.
“Why are you lying to me?”
“How about we just drop this subject?” he said. “No good can come of it.”
“Fine.” Hawke was a different person when it came to Francesca. “How’s work?”
“Really well. I left that old agency and started my own investment company.”
“What?” When did all of this happen?
“I don’t have an office or anything like that. I do everything from my phone, and meeting clients at Starbucks and stuff like that. But I’ve really made a good salary doing this. When I make money for my clients, they tell their friends, who then come to me. It’s been snowballing, actually.”
“Wow…that’s really cool.”
“Thanks. I like being my own boss. I hope it keeps progressing this way.”
I wish I had that kind of drive. While I wanted to make money I wanted to work set hours then go home. I didn’t want to carry the weight of a company on my shoulders. Stress and I didn’t mix so well together. “Congratulations. Maybe you can open your own office someday.”
“I think so. With the way things are going, I think I can make that happen this year.”
Then he must be doing really well. Starting a business from nothing was a lot harder than people realized, and I’m sure Hawke worked night and day to make this happen. “I’ll have to see it whenever it’s ready.”
“Maybe you could come work for me.”
I laughed. “I’ll pass. There’s no way in hell I’m letting you be my boss.”
He chuckled. “You’re right. That would be a disaster, wouldn’t it?”
“A big one.”
He waved down the bartender and ordered another beer.
I was still on my first one and I didn’t want to drink too much. I still had some thinking to do.
He cleared his throat before he asked his following question. “So…how’s she doing?”
He asked about her every time we were together, so I wasn’t surprised by the questions anymore. “She’s doing really well. She’s living with Marie now until she gets her own place.”