by E. L. Todd
Speechless, I stood there. I poured out my heart to her but it wasn’t enough. I screwed up too many times. Now she couldn’t trust me. She couldn’t believe anything that came out of her mouth. I was a kid who cried wolf too many times.
“I’m not doing this to hurt you,” she whispered. “I just don’t believe in us anymore.”
I looked at the ground because I couldn’t stare at her anymore. She broke my heart right in half, severed it into two completely different pieces. Every breath I took pained me irrevocably. I’d never known this kind of anguish. I lost both of my parents in brutal ways and I almost lost my sister. But this…was a new level of heartbreak.
“I’m sorry, Axel. I’m ready to move on and start over.” She walked back to the table and gathered her things. Even though this was her place, she took her stuff and walked out.
I stayed rooted to the spot, staring at the ground. The blood pounded in my ears, sounding like a distant drum. Now that the one thing I cared about walked out on me I realized I had nothing. The loss washed over me like the freezing ocean in the middle of winter. If I just figured out my feelings sooner this could have been avoided. I wouldn’t have lost something so precious—something vital to survival.
I was the only one to blame for this—and that made me feel even worse.
***
Despite how much pain I was in, I refused to miss my sister’s graduation. Mom and Dad wouldn’t be there so I had to be. Yaya was there, cheering Francesca on and being the best support in the world, but I knew I had a different significance to her.
I didn’t want to look at Marie. Not because I hated her or never wanted to see her again. I just knew the longing would suffocate me. How could I be in the same area as she and not grab her and hold on forever? How would I keep my hands to myself? Even now, after everything we’d been through, I still considered her to be mine.
Francesca walked across the stage and received her diploma. Once she turned her tassel, I whistled and clapped. Yaya was screaming at the top of her lungs, proud of her only granddaughter.
Francesca didn’t receive honors because she barely passed the semester, which was unfortunate. But she still made it through and that’s what counted. Either way, I was proud of her.
A few minutes later, Marie walked across the stage. She looked like a drop of sunshine with her beautiful blonde hair and flawless skin. She sauntered to the president of the university and grabbed her diploma before she walked off again. Whistles erupted from the crowd, and I knew they were from men she didn’t even know.
I clapped harder than everyone else.
“I’m going to hunt down Francesca,” Yaya said. “I’ve got to get a picture.”
“I think they’re going to—”
Yaya was already gone, practically shoving the crowd aside.
I turned the other way and saw the graduates exit the end of the stage, coming back around to visit with their families. My eyes searched for Marie’s face, not Francesca’s. But I accidentally came across a face I didn’t expect.
Hawke.
I narrowed my eyes and tried to determine if it was really he. He had the same hair, the same height, and the same type of clothes. He wore aviator sunglasses, the kind he usually wore on a sunny day.
It had to be him.
I pushed through the crowd to get closer to him, to need verification if it was really he. As I got closer the man turned to me. He stared at me for a few seconds before he turned on his heel and disappeared into the crowd.
“Hawke!” I peeked over everyone’s head and tried to find him in the sea of families but he was gone.
Was it really him?
“I did it!” Francesca ran up to me and hugged me. “I actually did it.”
I forgot about Hawke and returned her embrace. “Congrats, Frankie.”
She rested her face against my chest and squeezed me around the waist. “Thanks so much. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“What are big and annoying brothers for?” I put on my best attitude since today was about her. I didn’t want to be a stick in the mud because of Marie. I had tomorrow for that—and every day after that.
Yaya joined us. “How did you find her before me?”
I shrugged. “It’s a sibling thing.” Or Hawke just led me to her.
Yaya hugged Francesca so hard that Francesca gave out a squeak. “So proud of you, honey.”
“Thanks, Yaya.”
Yaya kissed her on each cheek. “I want to take lots of pictures.”
“Good idea.”
Marie walked over to us, her hair and make up looking perfect. She was tall in her heels, several inches taller than she usually was. Up close she was even more beautiful. Staring at her actually hurt.
She looked at me with the same expression she gave me yesterday. There was pain there, like she didn’t enjoy rejecting me at all. And if I looked hard enough I could still see the love behind her eyes. “Can you believe we’re finally free of this place?”
“I know,” Francesca said. “And we’re off to New York.”
“Can you take a picture of us, Yaya?” Marie asked.
“Good idea.” Yaya pulled out her iPhone, something she still wasn’t used to using. “Get closer together.” She held the phone up and took the picture.
It was in that moment that I realized I might not see Marie again. And if I did, it wouldn’t be for a very long time. The understanding was more painful than anything else. “Frankie, can you take a picture of us?” The only thing I had of Marie was her scarf, which I had no intention or returning. But I wanted something else, something I could actually look at.
“Sure…” She took my phone with a sad expression.
Marie stared at me in surprise.
I came to her side and stood there awkwardly for a second, wanting to touch her but unsure if I should. When I was this close to her I could smell her perfume. I could see the way she was breathing. I could see the beautiful glow in her eyes. My arm hooked around her waist, resting naturally on her hip. I pulled her into my side, wishing I could do this every day. Her arm hooked around my waist and she smiled for the camera. I did the same.
Francesca took the picture and handed the phone back to me. “I got a good one.”
“Thank you.” It was hard to let her go, actually painful. I stepped away from her with a heavy heart, knowing I’d never be able to touch her again. I stuffed the phone into my pocket and planned on looking at the picture some other time. Now I had something I could treasure—for years to come.
Marie looked sad once the picture was taken. She couldn’t force her happiness for even a moment. Guilt and pain were written all over her face. I never meant to hurt her on this special day, but at least I knew we felt the same way.
We were both miserable without each other.
Welcome To New York
Marie
“How was your first day?” Francesca was sitting at the kitchen table we had at our old place. It was way too big for the small apartment, and the chairs could barely fit next to it. She was looking over papers and maps.
“Great.” I took off my jacket and set it over the back of the couch. My entire wardrobe was from Prada, and with my forty-five percent employee discount it was totally worth it. I was probably going to buy the stuff anyway. “Everyone at the office is so nice. And my office has a window that overlooks the city. It’s a million times better than what I imagined.”
“That’s awesome.” Francesca smiled.
“I’m actually excited to go back to work tomorrow.”
“That’ll wear off quickly—no matter how much you like it.”
“How’s the hunting?” She already started her search for a place to open her business.
“I found this building on the corner of fifth and Lexington. It’s actually a really good spot, and the windows are absolutely perfect. So much natural light. It used to be a restaurant so it has the right floor plan. But if I get it I’ll have to redo the back to
make bigger kitchens.”
“Let me see this place.” I squeezed into the chair beside her.
“Here it is on the map.” Francesca pointed at the red X she marked. “It’s easy to reach by tourists and regulars and there’s no competing business around it.”
“Perfect.”
“Here are some pictures.” She handed me her phone.
I searched through the photos and knew the place would need a serious remodel. “It looks like it’ll cost a lot of money to fix this place up.”
“I know,” she said with a sigh. “But the location is absolutely perfect. And I learned location is more important than anything else.”
“True.”
“And I know exactly how I want it to work. I just have to find a contractor who’s willing to make my vision happen for a reasonable price.”
“What’s the cost of the lease?”
“Reasonable.”
“How long do you have to decide?”
“A week.”
“Well, do you have any other options?”
“A few.” Francesca handed the papers over and allowed me to go through them. She sat there silently as I took my time, drumming her fingers against the tabletop. When the drumming increased in pace it was clear she was becoming impatient. “So…Axel is really a thing of the past?”
I didn’t expect her to ask me that—at least right now. I was caught off guard. “Yeah.”
“What happened between you two?”
She deduced enough. “He said he wanted to get back together but I said no. He hurt me too many times and I don’t have any faith in him at this point. I just want to move on and find a guy who can get it right the first time.”
Her fingers stopped drumming. “No offense, Marie, but romance doesn’t work like that. There’s no such thing as meeting a guy and getting it right on the first try. Relationships are complicated and take work.”
“Well, they aren’t as complicated as the thing I had with Axel.”
“Probably not…but I don’t think that’s a good reason to not be with him.”
I dropped the papers onto the desk. “Are you actually defending him?”
“No…yes.” She shrugged. “I think he’s an idiot who doesn’t know his nose from his ass, but I know he loves you. He’s been through a lot and it’s hard for him to adjust to something like this. But the fact he finally got to that place should mean something.”
I shook my head in disappointment. “He dragged me around for eight months.”
“I know…but he didn’t sleep with anyone else.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“It does,” she argued. “That’s not like Axel at all. He was faithful to you even though he wasn’t committed to you. While he did some stupid things, he did a lot of sweet things too.”
“Where is this coming from?” I asked. “You were on my side just a few weeks ago.”
“I am on your side. And I think Axel could really make you happy if you gave him another chance.”
I was tired of giving him chances. “If I did give him another chance, I already know what would happen. Down the road he would change his mind and back out again. He would get scared of something then take off. He’s a flight risk and he’ll always be a flight risk. I don’t trust him, Frankie. That’s the bottom line.”
She turned away, giving up the argument.
“I know this is weird for you because he’s your brother. He and I can be civil to one another if and when we are together. So don’t worry about getting dragged into the middle of it. In a few months, it’ll be like nothing ever happened.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about. I just want the both of you to be happy—and I think you need to be together to accomplish that.”
“Drop it, Frankie.” I wouldn’t stop thinking about Axel until I stopped talking about him.
“Fine.” She gathered her papers together and shoved them into her folder. “I’ll figure this out later.”
***
It took two weeks for me to become comfortable at the office. Eventually, the novelty of the building wore off and I grew tired of waking up at seven in the morning every day. But I was still happy with my job.
Axel was still in the back of my mind but it was easier not to think about him as often when I was in a new place. Nothing here reminded me of him so I was able to go about my day noticing new things for a change.
I joined a gym just around the corner from my office, and I found a coffee place on my way to work. The line usually wasn’t very long and I could get my stuff quickly. The city was different than any other place I visited. It didn’t matter what time of day it was, people were constantly coming and going.
I came home and set my things down.
“How was work?” Francesca just finished preparing dinner.
“Good.” I released a sigh of exhaustion.
“Told you you would get sick of it.” She placed the food on the table. It was tacos and rice.
“Yep. You called it.” I kicked off my heels then joined her at the table. “So, how’s the shop coming along?”
“I’m going to put my bid in tomorrow and hope I get it.”
“Great,” I said. “I hope you get the place.”
“I do too.”
“How do they decide?”
“They choose the business that’s most likely to be successful.”
“What does that matter?”
“Because a popular business means they can charge a higher rent. They get greedy with it.”
I ate my tacos and drank my corona. Having Francesca there was nice because she cleaned the apartment, did the laundry, and had dinner on the table every day when I came home. It was like having a housewife—but without the sex. “How much do you think it’s going to cost to renovate the place?”
She cringed. “A lot. I’ll have to take out a loan—a big one.”
“That’s scary.”
“I’ll have to have someone cosign it because I don’t have any collateral.”
Axel.
“I’ll figure out my next step after I get the business. No point in figuring that out now.”
“You will get it, Frankie. The leasing owners will take one look at your business plan and know it’s going to be a success.”
“I hope so.”
***
Since I was the one paying rent I got the bedroom. Francesca slept on the couch. One perk for her was the TV. She could watch it before she went to sleep. I didn’t have that luxury in my room.
Even though I was exhausted I couldn’t get to sleep. I tossed and turned, feeling the cold sheets cling uncomfortably to my body. Every half hour I glanced at the time and realize what hour it was. Then I would groan and start the process all over again. The longer I couldn’t fall asleep, the more anxious I became. It was a vicious cycle and didn’t get me anywhere.
Then my phone rang.
No one would be calling me this late at night—except one person. But he had no reason to call me. I grabbed the phone and saw Axel’s name on the screen. My heart surged into my throat and I could barely breathe. Just when I stopped thinking about him for a moment he crept back into my mind. I could just silence the call and try to go back to sleep but I didn’t want to.
I wanted to answer the phone.
No good would come of it but I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted it too much.
I took the call but didn’t say anything. I just sat on the phone.
He didn’t say anything either, knowing I answered.
I stared at the ceiling and felt the blood pound in my ears. It thudded painfully, diminishing my hearing.
“Hi…” His deep voice came over the line, masculine and beautiful. His hesitation was heavy, like he didn’t know why he was calling at all.
“Hi…” My voice came out higher than I wanted it too. The emotion crept out against my will.
He fell silent again, saying nothing more.
I listened to his eve
n breathing, knowing he was lying in bed just the way I was. Even though I left Myrtle Beach and rejected his advance I still missed him. I missed him like crazy.
And I would always miss him.
I continued to listen to him breathe, taking comfort in the delicate sounds. My heartbeat synced with it, remembering all those nights we slept in each other’s arms. I missed all his bedtime habits. If he were there now my sheets wouldn’t be cold.
I pulled my teddy bear to my chest as I stayed on the line with him, wishing I were holding him instead of a stuffed animal. It wasn’t clear why he was calling, but I suspected he didn’t have a reason. He just gave into his desire and hit my name on the screen.
Just being on the phone with him made me feel better, made me miss him less. I tried to pretend he was beside me, sleeping along side me just the way he used to.
“I miss you.” His voice didn’t shake but it possessed all of his need. The emotion was raw, palpable through the phone.
“I miss you too.” I shouldn’t have said that, but by the time I realized my mistake it was too late. Instinctively, I blurted out the words. My heart took the reins tonight.
After a long pause he spoke again. “How’s Prada?”
“Good…I still like it.”
“They’re treating you right?”
“Yeah. I have my own office with a view, and there’s usually lunch in the break room. I’ll have to watch my weight.”
“No, you won’t. You’re beautiful no matter how you look.”
My heart skipped a beat.
“Are you liking the city?”
“Yeah. It’s different but I like it so far.”
“My sister isn’t annoying you?”
“No,” I said with a chuckle. “Never.”
“Give it time.”
I chuckled again.
He fell silent over the phone, listening to me breathe.
“How’s everything?”
“It’s okay.” From the way he said it, it sounded terrible.
“Any luck on the job search?”
“I had a few interviews. One was in Florida. We’ll see how it goes.”
I wondered if he was looking to move to Florida so he could live as far away from me as possible. In a new place nothing would remind him of me.