Carpet Diem

by Justin Lee Anderson

  “I just need to use more specific language than the original, for the avoidance of doubt, OK?”

  Daniel nodded his assent again.

  “Now, my understanding is that the original words used were that you asked Simon to, I quote: ‘choose to give your living room carpet to the one of us whose offer is most attractive to you.’

  “I’d just like to amend that to read: ‘choose to give the Holy Rug of Djoser to the angel or demon whose offer is most attractive to you.’ Is that OK?”

  “Yes, yes, fine,” Daniel agreed. He was so close to victory, he could barely stay seated. Father would be pleased.

  George clicked a button and paper started to run through the little mobile printer he had next to him on the floor. When it had come out completely, George handed a copy each to Daniel, Lily and Simon, asking them all to sign each copy.

  “Just for absolute clarity, you understand, to make sure there are no unexpected ramifications for my client. You’ll also see I’ve inserted a clause on page 2 to record the fact that you have both agreed to allow Simon and Harriet to remain in their current, de-aged state, regardless of the final decision. Also that there will be no repercussions for Simon or any of his friends or family associated with the choice that he makes.”

  Daniel quickly scanned and then signed all three and handed them on to Lily. She took a moment, before signing them too, and handing them to Simon, who signed them himself and handed them back to George.

  “Excellent, thank you all,” said George. “Now, I’ll hand over to Simon, who will give you his decision.”

  Daniel sat forward in expectation.

  “So,” Simon began, standing up. “I’ve had time to weigh up the offers and they each have a lot of appeal. Lily, your offer is very attractive and I can see a great deal of benefit in taking you up on it. It’s a very thoughtful offer and one which I believe would improve my life greatly. Thank you.”

  Lily smiled and nodded. Was she still in with a chance?

  “Daniel, your offer is, frankly, amazing. The thought of being able to have Lily in my service for the rest of my life is truly … amazing. However, I do have the moral dilemma of whether or not it is right to force someone into servitude, and that is something I have struggled with. I am, I like to think, the kind of man who makes the decision he believes to be the right one, regardless of my own personal desires.”

  Daniel started breathing heavily. The bastard was going to choose her!

  “But, then again, Lily is not human. She is a demon and therefore is in service to someone, whether me or not. So am I better off choosing to take her into my control and therefore be able to have a positive effect on the world?

  “As you can see, it’s been a difficult decision.”

  Simon paused.

  “Yes.” Daniel said eagerly. “So…?”

  “But I have made a choice, as I promised I would,” Simon continued. “I have made the choice that I feel leaves no moral ambiguity and therefore leaves me free of any burden of guilt or any question of impropriety. I have chosen to give the Holy Rug of Djoser to…”

  His dramatic pause hung in the air for an eternity.

  Then he smiled.

  “Lucas and Gabrielle.”

  ----

  “What?!”

  Daniel and Lily both stood upright.

  “Is that supposed to be funny?” Daniel demanded. “Your choice is her or me. Now stop pissing about and make a decision!”

  Despite his certainty that he was on solid ground, Simon felt his legs tremble beneath him. Daniel looked murderous. Even Lily looked a lot less appealing than usual. Were those fangs?

  “No. Simon said confidently. I’m giving it to Luke and Gabby.”

  “Simon, listen, you can’t do that,” Lily said through gritted teeth. “There are Rules. You agreed.”

  “Actually,” George interrupted, his previously calm voice trembling slightly, “I think you’ll find, on reading your versions of the contract, that my client is entirely within his rights.”

  “Contract?” Daniel spat. “Contract? Your contract is worthless! We had an agreement under the Rules.”

  An acoustic guitar version of the introduction to Stairway to Heaven interrupted his rant. George took his phone out of his inside pocket.

  “Hello? … Yes, of course. It’s for you. He asked me to put it on speaker.”

  George handed the phone to Daniel after tapping the screen a few times. Daniel held it at arm’s length like a freshly laden nappy, disgusted by the need to touch it.

  “What?” he barked.

  “Hello Daniel ... Lily,” the voice came from the phone. “I’d ask how you both are but, as we all know that I already know, it would just be a silly formality, wouldn’t it?”

  “What are you doing, deer? This is none of your business,” Daniel sneered.

  “Ah, but it is. You see, George and I have entered into a mutual agreement, whereby he does some work for me and I advise him on legal matters relating to the Rules. I am acting in that capacity now.”

  Everyone turned to look at George, who smiled agreeably.

  “OK, so what?” Lily asked, irritably. “Simon agreed to give one of us the Rug. The Rules say he has to do it, or we can take it. There’s no wriggle room here, Faunt.”

  “Actually, I think you’ll find there is.” Faunt was in his deer stage of the day, made evident by the high pitch and vaguely nasal sound of his voice. The combination of this and the serious nature of the conversation tickled Simon and made him snort involuntarily. He hoped nobody noticed. He also hoped he hadn’t just snotted himself. Casually, he wiped at his nose, scratching an imaginary itch, just to be sure.

  Daniel was glowering at him. He lowered his hand, slowly.

  “In your original agreement,” Faunt continued, “you asked Simon to ‘choose to give your living room carpet to the one of us whose offer is most attractive to you’. Correct?”

  “Yes,” Daniel answered.

  “That was a fundamentally flawed agreement from the start. You may have known what you intended, but you had no right to assume Simon did. For example, you didn’t ask for the Holy Rug of Djoser, you asked for his ‘living room carpet’. It is not a carpet. It is a rug. And Simon has two spare carpets in his attic, one of which used to be in his living room. We could easily have argued that giving you that was a fulfilment of his agreement, had we wished.”

  Daniel was turning red. Lily sighed and sat down.

  “Shit,” she said.

  Conversely, Harriet looked like she might explode with glee at any moment. Daniel had also noticed this. It wasn’t improving his mood.

  “Moreover,” said Faunt, “you asked him to give it to ‘one of us’. ‘Us’ is not a specific term is it? ‘Us’ could easily be misunderstood as a term for any of a certain group to which one belongs; for example, angels or demons. Could it not? This is why George decided to be more specific in the terminology, prior to the agreement being fulfilled; so that there was no need for us to argue that point after the fact.”

  “Fine. Then choose the angels or choose the demons, but choose one. Lucas and Gabrielle have been banished. They no longer count among our number.”

  Daniel turned menacingly back to Simon.

  “This is between you and me, Mr Debovar. Choose.”

  Simon swallowed hard. He’d feel a lot better if Faunt were actually here.

  “Back off, Sparky, or I’ll rip you a new orifice just so I can shove your head up it.”

  Simon turned to see Harriet standing behind him. Sean stood too. That was better. He could feel his feet again.

  Daniel’s eyes flared. He began to reach for Harriet.

  “Ah,” George raised a finger. “Page 2: ‘No repercussions for Simon, his friends or family…’.”

  Daniel lowered his hand. Lily shook her head.

  “If I may continue,” said Faunt, “we were also prepared to argue that point, but then, yesterday, you very kindly did it for us, Dani
el. You said to Luke: ‘You’re not human. You have to be born human. You’re an angel; she’s a demon. The only difference is you’re mortal. You’re going to die.’ Correct?”

  Daniel closed his eyes and bowed his head. He muttered something inaudible and slumped in his chair.

  “Wait,” he said, raising his head again. “Wait a minute! Faunt, you are not allowed to interfere!”

  He stood again, shouting at the phone.

  “There’s no possible way that the humans came up with this alone. This is your plan. You must have told them and that means you interfered! Nobody is allowed to intervene. The agreement is null and void! The Rug’s ownership is annulled. And you, deer, are in serious trouble.”

  Daniel was triumphant. There was even a faint glow about him.

  “I did no such thing,” Faunt answered, calmly. “By coincidence, my wife and I did have coffee yesterday with a mutual acquaintance, and we did happen to discuss what I would do, were I allowed to do so, but I also made it clear that interfering would be entirely against the Rules. For me.”

  “Well somebody did! And they weren’t allowed!” Daniel ranted.

  “Daniel, stop,” Lily said, calmly. “Think about it. We’re beat. And we walked right into it.”

  “How?” he demanded. “How?”

  “Who’s the one person who could have told Simon what to do without breaking the Rules?” she asked.

  Daniel looked confused, then realisation grew across his face. “No. No, it’s not fair.”

  “You may not think it’s fair,” boomed a voice from the hall, “but I don’t give a crap about your Rules.”

  “The Exception,” said the angel, bitterly. “The damned Exception.”

  Priest’s huge frame filled the archway.

  He stepped in, making space for Luke and Gabby to come in behind him. They’d stayed in the kitchen until now, letting it all to play out as Faunt had suggested. The deer had a flair for the dramatic.

  “So you see,” said Faunt, “everything has happened exactly according to the Rules. Lucas and Gabrielle are now the rightful owners of the Holy Rug of Djoser. You are certainly welcome to try to negotiate with them for it, but I suspect you will find them unwilling to part with it.”

  Daniel stood and tossed George’s phone back at him.

  “Fine,” he said, fixing Simon with an icy stare. It didn't seem ‘fine’.

  The angel looked down. A low rumble gathered in the ground beneath him. Nobody spoke. Simon was barely breathing.

  “I think you'll agree,” Daniel said to Lily through gritted teeth, “that our agreement not to use our abilities is at an end.”

  “No,” Lily said mournfully. “Don't.”

  Daniel looked back up. His eyes burned with a blue flame. His face was contorted in anger. A huge pair of eagle’s wings spread from his back, knocking over furniture. He seemed to fill the entire room.

  “Daniel!” Faunt's electronic voice squealed from the phone, “Daniel – you can't harm them!”

  “We'll see,” he growled.

  With barely noticeable exertion, the angel burst upwards, through the ceiling, through the upper floor and out through the roof. Debris and dust clattered to the ground as Simon and his guests dived to find whatever cover they could.

  When the masonry had stopped falling, they crawled out of their hiding places. Lily had not moved at all, standing amidst the debris as it fell around her – seemingly avoiding her. She looked upwards, sadly.

  Priest had moved only a few feet out into the hall.

  “Where's he going?” he asked the demon.

  “I don't know,” she answered. “But I don't think it will be good.”

  “Oh God! No!” It was Faunt's voice again. “Daniel, no! You're making a huge mistake!”

  Crashing sounds came through the phone's speakers, before it suddenly went dead.

  Everyone in the room looked at each other for answers.

  “He can't ...he can't hurt Faunt. Right?” Simon pleaded.

  Nobody answered.

  ----

  The guitars played again.

  George held out the phone, silently pleading for someone to take the responsibility from him.

  Harriet lifted it.

  “Hello?” she answered, holding it to her ear. Her face quickly turned thunderous. “OK, hang on.”

  She held the phone out and switched on the speaker again.

  “OK, you're on,” she said, loudly.

  “Hello everyone,” Faunt said. “I have bad news. Daniel has taken Amelia.”

  “What?” Priest bellowed, stepping toward the phone. “I'll kill the son of a bitch!”

  “Wait,” Faunt said. “There's more to it. His logic is sound – in a way. He is not allowed to harm any of Simon's friends or family. His thinking is that while Bob could be considered a friend, Amelia's status is unclear. Simon barely knows her. He also reasons that killing her will gain him the most revenge, as it will hurt Priest, Cassandra, Sean and Bob. He also believes, Simon, that hurting Bob will hurt you and I. And you, he believes, are the way to get Harriet. It's almost elegant. It's also, arguably, within the Rules.”

  “She's innocent,” Simon said, flatly. “It's not fair.”

  “No, it's not,” Faunt replied.

  “Where is he?” Priest demanded. “Where is he now?”

  “That's not as important as this: he is prepared to spare her,” Faunt continued, “in return for something else.”

  “What?” Priest asked, agitated.

  No answer.

  Glass fell from a broken window and shattered on the floor.

  “It's me, isn't it?” Simon asked, in a tiny voice.

  “Yes, Simon, I'm afraid so,” Faunt replied. “If you give up your protection under the Rules, he will spare Amelia.”

  “Like hell!” Harriet barked. “Tell us where the bastard is! For Christ's sake, we've got a demon, a witch and whatever the hell Priest is. He can't beat us all!”

  “I can't fight him,” Lily said, ruefully. “It is expressly forbidden.”

  “And Priest's power is substantially reduced off his island,” Faunt continued. “As powerful as Cassandra is, she couldn't take on an angel alone. It would be suicide. Though, understandably, she is prepared to try...”

  Silence.

  Simon quickly ran through the options in his head, but it was pretty clear it was Amelia or him. He didn’t want to die. He hadn’t wanted any of this. But Amelia was just a girl. A sweet, innocent, happy girl, who deserved a life.

  How would he live with himself if he was too much of a coward to let her have it? He was the kind of man who did the right thing. At least, he wanted to be…

  “OK,” he finally said, “OK. I can do it. We saved the world, right?”

  He gave Harriet a watery smile, tears filling his eyes.

  “He gets you over my dead fucking body, son, and no other way,” Harriet put a hand on his shoulder. “Tell me there's another way, Faunt.”

  “I'm glad you asked, Harriet,” the deer replied. “I do have an idea...”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

  Daniel hovered above the cliff face. He held Amelia out at arm's length. Initially, she had struggled and wriggled to get away from him. He wanted her to stop. So she did.

  Now, she dangled like a lost statue, her dress crackling in the wind. He'd told Faunt that Debovar had an hour to meet him here, or the girl dropped. It had been fifty-nine minutes. Either he'd misjudged the man, or he was eking out every last minute of life.

  Two people blinked into sight on the cliff top below him. After a moment, one disappeared. Debovar had been delivered. About time too. Daniel lowered himself to ten feet above the ground. He was going to savour this.

  “Mr Debovar!” he called over the wind, as if Simon were a guest of honour, “I was beginning to think you weren't coming!”

  Simon said nothing, looking back blankly at the angel.

  “I take it you agree to my terms then?” he continu
ed. “You surrender your protection under the Rules, and I release the girl.”

  “No,” Simon replied. “I don't.”

  What? Why was he here, then?

  “I'm not an idiot,” Simon continued. “If you 'release' her, she'll drop down there,” he pointed to the cliff face, “and die. So let's be clear.”

  Damn. Ah well, that would only have been a bonus. Debovar was what he really wanted.

  “My terms are these,” Simon shouted over the howl of the wind, “I will waive my protection under the Rules if you agree to safely return Amelia to the ground and not to harm her in any way, or allow her to be harmed by any inaction on your part.”

  It was fairly watertight. The deer had probably given him the line. Ah well, he had no real problem with the girl. He'd find another way to get back at the Exception.

  “Fine,” he answered, “I agree.”

  Simon nodded. “Then so do I.”

  Daniel lowered himself far enough to place the girl gently on the grass.

  “Now,” the angel said, towering over Simon, the blue flame flickering with glee in his eyes, “it's just you and me.”

  Simon smiled.

  “I never agreed to that.”

  ----

  Cherry was pacing.

  “What's happening?” she asked, impatiently.

  Lily and Cassandra sat cross-legged on the floor, facing each other, their hands held up together. They looked like they were meditating – except for the weird golden glow around them.

  “He's put her down,” Faunt said calmly. “It's working. Be ready.”

  Cherry turned to look at Priest, who nodded gravely at her. Bob sat on a stool, wringing his hands. He could barely sit still.

  They were ready.

  ----

  “What?” Daniel asked, gliding forward.

  Simon stepped back, giving himself a little breathing space. He looked up at the huge angel bearing down on him.