Caper

by Parnell Hall

Richard sighed, shook his head. “My client is an idiot. I think we can all agree on that. But he’s not a liar. If he says he saw Congressman Blake buy her margaritas, I would trust his word.”

  “Did you buy her margaritas?” ADA Fairfield asked.

  He smiled. “Virgin margaritas. No alcohol. They look just the same. Even have salt on the rim.”

  “Well, you had that one ready,” I said.

  This time is was ADA Fairfield who gave me the disparaging look.

  “Why are you quibbling over details?” I said. “The fact is, the guy took her to Philadelphia.”

  “And why’d you do that, Mr. Blake?”

  “To see my son, Adam. Sharon’s a friend of his. She’s never seen him perform. Adam’s a singer. In a boy band. They’re the opening act this week.”

  I stared at him. “What?”

  “Her parents knew she was going. That’s why they were so upset I lost her. I don’t blame them. If someone abducted Adam, I’d go crazy.”

  My head spun as layers and layers of misconceptions peeled off of me. The fact that they were steeped in perfidy didn’t help. It was somewhat overwhelming. “Adam is one of those god-awful singers?” I said incredulously.

  “What my client means to say,” Richard put in hastily, “is that he is surprised to discover that one of the talented young men gracing the stage at last night’s entertainment was your son, and he is certainly sorry if he inconvenienced you in any way.” He raised an eyebrow at the attractive ADA. “Sharon’s parents will confirm this story?”

  “They already have.”

  “Really?” Richard cocked his head, side-spied at her narrowly. “So. You knew all this. But you didn’t let on. You brought the congressman in here and made my client jump through hoops anyway.”

  She stuck out her chin. “So?”

  Richard smiled. “I like that.”

  20

  ALICE WAS SUPPORTIVE. IN HER FASHION. HER FASHION IS irony and gentle ridicule. I’ve gotten used to it over the years. Even so.

  “You were duped?” Alice said. “By a woman?”

  “Yes.”

  “An attractive woman?”

  “That’s neither here nor there.”

  “She’s neither here nor there. Isn’t that right? She’s totally disappeared?”

  “Yes, she has.”

  “Of course, she didn’t really exist. That makes it easier, doesn’t it? To vanish, I mean. She has no obligations to fulfill. If she were someone, you could say, well, she’s gotta get her car registered, her teeth fixed, her hair done, and check those places out. But that’s not the case. She’s elusive as air. No strings. No ties. No name. No face.”

  “I saw her face.”

  “But you don’t have her picture. And with your knack for description, she might as well have been wearing a paper bag. I remember what you did with a sketch artist once.”

  “There’s no reason to snipe.”

  “I wasn’t sniping. Just pointing out the facts.”

  Which was true. Alice is very good at finding facts that snipe.

  “So,” Alice said, “we have a mystery woman, and all we know is that she duped you.”

  “She had blonde hair.”

  “Which could be a wig. It probably was, if she was assuming a false identity. Did she have nice tits?”

  “Didn’t notice.”

  “I’ll take that as a yes. It would have to be, or you wouldn’t have been duped.”

  “That’s silly.”

  “I know, but you’re like that. If she didn’t have nice tits you’d have been skeptical. Found reason to doubt her story.”

  “That’s stupid.”

  “I know, but I married you anyway.”

  “Come on, Alice. This wasn’t my fault. I was told a plausible lie to arouse my sympathy.”

  “Oh, that’s what she aroused.”

  “That’s feeble, Alice.”

  “Sorry. Couldn’t resist.”

  “Actually, I set you up for it.”

  “I know.”

  We lay there in companionable silence. Or what I chose to consider companionable silence. Alice might have considered it something else. The silent treatment, for instance.

  Alice broke it first. “So, the case is over?”

  “Huh?”

  “You’ve been paid, right?”

  “Ah. Yeah.”

  “You hesitate?”

  “I had some expenses.”

  “Oh, God.”

  “It’s not like that.”

  “What’s it like?”

  “Well, two hundred dollars for chloral hydrate. Two fifty for Amtrak tickets. A hundred-dollar cover charge at the nightclub. Plus taxi cabs and bribes.”

  “What does that come to?”

  “About six hundred dollars.”

  “So, you broke even.”

  “Yeah.”

  Alice nodded encouragingly. “You’re getting better.”

  21

  MACAULLIF WAS MORE STRAIGHTFORWARD. “SO, YOU fucked up.”

  “I had a reversal of fortune.”

  He burst out laughing. “Well, that’s one way to put it. But basically, you screwed the pooch.”

  “I was set up and lied to.”

  “Hard to believe anyone could do that.”

  “You thought the woman was legit.”

  “I never met the woman. I was going on what you told me.”

  “You traced the license plate for me.”

  “I see. It’s my fault. If I hadn’t given you the name of the congressman, this never would have happened. I’ll remember to point that out the next time you ask for a favor.”

  “So, what do I do now?”

  “What do you do now? I don’t know what you do now. I know what you don’t do now. You don’t hassle the congressman anymore. You don’t hassle the girl, and you don’t hassle her parents. You stay as far the fuck away from every last one of them as you possibly can. And for the next few weeks you have your wife open the front door, in case it might be a process server filing papers on behalf of someone who might want to sue you. And I imagine there might be a line.”

  “Yeah, but—”

  “But what?”

  “How do I find out what happened?”

  MacAullif looked at me as if I’d just won Moron of the Month. “Who gives a shit what happened? You don’t have to know what happened. No one’s paying you to find out what happened. What happened is, someone went to a lot of trouble to make you look stupid. Which shows they’re not very bright. It doesn’t take much to make you look stupid. Why bother with all the window dressing?”

  “That’s what I’d like to find out.”

  “But you’re not going to. You’re going to poke around where you got no business and get yourself in more trouble. When you do, don’t expect me to get you out.”

  “I have an attorney.”

  “I know. He called me. Said if I heard from you, to pass along a message. ‘Nothing short of murder.’ You know what that means?”

  “I have an idea.”

  “So, it might not be a good time for you to get arrested for something stupid. Like poking around the congressman, for instance.”

  “I bet he’s dirty.”

  “That may well be. But I bet his story checks out.”

  “Oh.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “My wife Googled him.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be an asshole. She checked him out on the computer. His son is in a boy band performing in Philadelphia. Which should be a crime in itself.”

  “So, you’re going to leave him alone.”

  I waggled my hand. “Well …”

  “Oh, for Christ’s sake.”

  MacAullif took a cigar out of his desk drawer, always a bad sign. His doctor had made him give up cigars, but he played with them when I annoyed him. He played with them a lot. “Let me give you some advice. Take some time off. Go to the country. Go to the beach. Go
to Mexico.”

  “Mexico? Why Mexico?”

  “It’s not here. You need to lie low, recharge your batteries, give those around you a break.” MacAullif waggled the cigar. “Just a hint.”

  “And I appreciate it. I just don’t have time right now.”

  He squinted at me suspiciously. “Why not? More to the point, why are you here?”

  “I’m wondering what type of stuff the congressman might be into. The type of stuff not on Google.”

  MacAullif stared at me openmouthed. “Are you an idiot?”

  “MacAullif.”

  “No, no, no. I talk, you listen, but nothing gets through. We have an entire conversation at the end of which you act like we didn’t. Like nothing was said. You’re like a kid listening to his parent. You nod yes and ignore everything.”

  “You’re missing the point.”

  MacAullif gripped the cigar as if it were a baseball bat. If it had been, I think he would have bashed my head in. “I’m missing the point? You think I’m missing the point?”

  “About the congressman,” I explained patiently. “I’ll tell you why.”

  “Not if I throw you out on your ear.”

  “Not worth it,” I said. “It will make a big fuss, and all day people will be asking you why you did it. Or I can give you my spiel in two minutes and walk out.”

  MacAullif took a huge breath. Calmed himself. Raised a finger. “One minute,” he said, and sat back down.

  “Okay. Someone went to a great deal of trouble to make me look stupid. For no discernable reason. On the other hand, they made the congressman look stupid. Worse, to look like a child molester. Granted, it was totally unconvincing, and easily explained away. But the guy’s in politics. Facts don’t mean that much to politicians. They can smear each other with just a hint of a scandal. So, I have to ask myself, is the congressman involved in anything that anyone might want to influence, and/or throw a monkey wrench into by putting him in an embarrassing position?” I looked at my watch. “Done!”

  MacAullif scowled, exhaled. Gnawed on his cigar. He didn’t look at all happy.

  But he didn’t throw me out the door.

  22

  “YOU’VE GOT A LOT OF NERVE.”

  “I made a mistake and I’m sorry.”

  “You drugged my daughter.”

  “I made a mistake.”

  “Drugging a young girl isn’t a mistake. It’s a criminal act. My God!”

  Sharon’s mom looked good. Sharon’s real mom, who was pissed at me, not Sharon’s fake mom, who played me for a sucker. It occurred to me, I was not having much luck with Sharon’s moms, real or imaginary. But Jennifer Weldon was looking rather hot in a sleeveless yellow pullover and tennis shorts. I don’t know how I’d ever mistaken her for a cop. Not that women cops aren’t good-looking. I’m sure some are. And not just the ones on TV, either. Did that sound condescending? It did, didn’t it. Good God, why do I always get in trouble with women?

  I was in Sharon’s mom’s apartment. The one where Sharon lived with her actual mom, and not with Sharon’s fake mom, who also claimed to live there. I’d talked my way past the doorman, who wasn’t going to let me in, and had rung upstairs to confirm the fact that Mrs. Weldon didn’t want to see me. She’d let me in, if only to bawl me out. Or perhaps stupefied by the fact I actually wished to see her.

  “I thought your daughter was in danger. I thought I was acting in her best interests.”

  “How could you think that? Are you a moron?”

  “Yes, I am. But I had help. A woman posing as you hired me to do it.”

  “Hired you to drug my daughter?”

  “No.”

  “Well, which is it? Were you hired to do it or weren’t you?”

  “I was hired to get your daughter away from the congressman and bring her home.”

  “This woman knew Sharon was with the congressman?”

  “Ah … I don’t know.”

  “What do you mean, you don’t know? She either asked you to get her away from the congressman or she didn’t.”

  “She asked me to get her away from a man. I don’t know if she knew the man was the congressman.”

  “You mean she never said so.”

  “Ah …”

  “What’s the problem? Either she said so or she didn’t.”

  “Well, she did, but I don’t know if she knew.”

  “That makes no sense. What do you mean?”

  “Well, I told her he was the congressman. But I have no way of knowing whether she knew he was the congressman before I told her.”

  “Oh, for goodness sakes.”

  Jennifer Weldon sank down on her rather nicely upholstered couch in her rather expensively furnished living room. I could either sit down myself, which would be presumptuous, or remain standing, from which position I could see down her shirt.

  Her eyes flashed. “Why are you here? What is it you want?”

  “I’m not happy with the situation. And I don’t mean mine. I’m not here to get you to drop the charges.”

  “You want me to drop the charges?”

  “I just said I didn’t.” I sighed. “That’s a lie. Of course I want you to drop the charges. But that’s not why I’m here, and it’s not what I’m asking. I’m here because I don’t like being played for a sucker. And I’m sure you don’t, either. Even if you didn’t know it. This woman claimed to be you. I don’t know why, but you put your finger right on it, asking about the congressman. I don’t know if she knew the congressman, but my hunch is she did. My hunch is that’s why she did what she did. So, I’m wondering if you knew the congressman.”

  “What are you implying?”

  “I’m not implying anything. I’m trying to make sense of a situation that doesn’t. There has to be a reason I was duped into doing the things I did. I’m wondering if anyone has a reason to embarrass the congressman. He has a wife and kid. Probably couldn’t afford to be caught in a sexual scandal.”

  “There’s nothing between me and Jason Blake.”

  “I never said there was. I’m talking about the scandal with your daughter.”

  “There’s no scandal with my daughter.”

  “I know. But this person tried to manufacture one. If that was done to embarrass the congressman, why would anyone want to?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “Did he have any project coming up this might impact?”

  “I know nothing about his political life.”

  “Just his personal life?”

  “No, not his personal life. There’s nothing about his personal life that would interest anyone. Perfectly ordinary family man. Wife and kid. Stable marriage.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “Yes, I am. We know them socially. Our daughter is friends with their son. They’ve dined here. Valerie’s a gem.”

  “That’s his wife?”

  “That’s right. And I don’t think she’d take kindly to your insinuations.”

  “Would she take kindly to me trying to find out who’s setting up her husband?”

  “Is that what you’re doing?”

  “It’s the only way to clear myself. Look. I’m not the world’s best private eye, but I fight for my clients. A woman hired me, and I tried to do what she wanted. That screwed everything up, and I’d like to make it right.”

  “Oh, you’re just a do-gooder.”

  “I already said I wasn’t. I’m tired of justifying myself. I’ve apologized. I’ve explained. I’ve told you my intentions. I mean to get to the bottom of this. You know anything that might help I’d be glad to hear it. Otherwise, I’ll go it on my own.”

  I turned started for the door.

  “Wait.”

  I turned back.

  She got up from the couch, came toward me. “What do you want to know?”

  “I was told Sharon was having a sleepover with a friend. That if she did, I could go home. I was told that’s what you’d been told. That Sharon had told her paren
ts she was having a sleepover. The mother believed that was just a cover story to get out of the house. I was told that to alert me to the fact that anything Sharon did other than go home to a friend’s house was something illicit I should put a stop to.”

  “Yeah. So?”

  “Was that a likely lie? I mean, I know nothing about her, so I’d buy it. But for someone who knew Sharon, was that something she would normally do? Not lie about a sleepover and run off to Philadelphia. Have a sleepover to begin with. I mean, in the normal course of events would she have a sleepover with a girlfriend?”

  “Yes. She’s done it several times.”

  “So. This woman seemed to know your business. You sure that wasn’t you in a wig?”

  “Now, see here.”

  “No, no, I know it wasn’t. I’m just saying, whoever pulled this off had all the facts and did it well. It was obviously someone who knew about Sharon’s relationship with the congressman’s kid, and knew the congressman would fall right into the trap.”

  “You mean you would.”

  “Yes. I would. But I wasn’t the principal. No one gave a damn about me.”

  “Now you’re feeling slighted?”

  I grimaced, but that was actually a victory. The woman was joking with me, at my expense. She’d become, like Alice, Richard, and MacAullif, one of the people picking on me. In the realm of my existence, that made her a friend.

  Having scored with sarcasm, Mom went on the attack. “This mystery woman. We have only your word she actually exists.”

  “Oh, she exists, all right. She’s most likely an actress, fed the information, hired to do a job.”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “Because that’s usually the case.”

  “Usually? This has happened to you before? That you’ve been duped by an actress hired to play a part?”

  I had, actually. Not that it had anything to do with the present situation. It occurred to me I would do well to keep my mouth shut. “You’re missing the point. The point is, whoever did this had inside information. If they’re familiar with the parties involved, they probably know them personally. In which case, they need to keep a low profile. If you were behind this, for instance, you wouldn’t come into my office and ask me to follow your daughter. You’d hire an actress and prime her to do so.”