by Parnell Hall
“There’s a small possibility he was actually on the phone with the killer, and didn’t recognize it wasn’t the congressman’s voice. But I don’t think it’s likely.”
“Neither do I. So, the doorman’s vulnerable. Any attorney worth his salt ought to be able to rip him apart on cross-examination.”
“Could you?”
“I thought that was implied.”
“Suppose this guy’s attorney’s any good?”
“Probably an even chance. Maybe better, if the guy’s got a little money. He’ll probably have a fair shot at the doorman.”
“He’d do better if he knew the facts.”
“Don’t.”
“What?”
“Don’t have a creeping attack of conscience. Don’t talk to this attorney. Don’t give him an anonymous tip. Stay as far away from him as you can.”
“I ought to talk to his client.”
Richard groaned. “This is why I tell you nothing short of murder. You’re the world’s worst client. You practically deliver yourself to the police in handcuffs, apologizing for having inconvenienced them.”
“Suppose this guy’s found guilty, gets put in jail for life?”
“Considering the intelligence of the average juror, and the skill of the average ADA, I’d say that was highly unlikely.”
“Suppose he got convicted of anything? How could I live with myself?”
“I don’t know how you live with yourself now.”
“I’d have to do something.”
“You haven’t thought this through, have you? There’s ten times more evidence against you than there is against this contractor schmuck.”
Richard shook his head. “You’ll wind up on a murder charge even I can’t get you off.”
29
ALICE WAS MORE SYMPATHETIC. DEVASTATINGLY SO.
“I know just how you feel,” she said.
“You do?”
“Of course, I do. You feel like you should save this guy at all costs.”
“You don’t think I should?”
“Not at all costs.”
“Where do you draw the line?”
“Don’t be dumb. The point is, you’re not talking absolutes. You want to save him, yes, but at what cost to yourself?”
“That’s stupid.”
“Oh?”
“You can’t look at it that way. It’s absolutely heartless.”
“Suppose you could save him by sacrificing me. Would you do it?”
“That’s absurd.”
“Not at all. You were talking absolutes. If you’re taking absolutes, I get to concoct any contradictory premise. It’s only fair.”
“Fair to whom? Let’s get back to reality. Whether I save Leslie Hanson will have no effect on you whatsoever.”
“I won’t care if you go to jail? You make me sound absolutely heartless.”
“This isn’t about you.”
“I see that. Clearly you’re not thinking of me at all.”
“Do you want me to send a man to jail?”
“Oh, I’m sure you won’t do that.”
“Then I have to come forward.” I acknowledged her ironically. “Which you have pointed out would be a totally selfish act.”
“Oh, well, twist my words if it makes you feel any better. Go ahead and sacrifice yourself for this lout. He is a lout, isn’t he? At least he’s not a model citizen. He was bribing the congressman for political favors.”
“So he should go to jail for murder?”
“No, you should. Because the guy came to bribe a congressman and was unlucky enough to be a victim of circumstance, you should sacrifice yourself to save him.”
“The guy wasn’t unlucky. I called the cops on him.”
“You call that lucky? And you didn’t call the cops on him. You just called them.”
“It doesn’t matter how you spin this, Alice. The point is, I put the guy’s neck in the noose, and I have the power to save him.”
“My hero! May I touch you?”
“Wish you would.”
“Hey! What happened to saving the planet?”
“It can wait.”
“Stanley! Pay attention! Concentrate! We’ve got to get you out of this predicament.”
“Now I’m in a predicament?”
“Didn’t you say you were?”
“Yes, but you wouldn’t acknowledge it. According to you, I should let the guy fry.”
“Bad paraphrase. If you’re going to misquote me, at least keep the gist of what I said.”
“Okay. You tell me what you meant.”
“I meant what I said. If you alibi this guy, you’re slitting your throat. Only a moron would do it.”
“So I should let him fry. Which you just bawled me out for saying a minute ago. And here you are advocating it.”
“I’m not advocating it. I said you were twisting my words. You were twisting them then, and you’re twisting them now. I don’t see how we can have a decent conversation if you keep telling me what I said when it isn’t what I said.”
“Fine,” I said in exasperation. “Would you please explain to me how don’t save him is not the same as let him fry?”
“I didn’t say that, either. Good Lord, you’re bad at this. I didn’t say don’t save him. I said don’t alibi him. Don’t go to the police. Don’t go to his lawyer. Don’t go to him. Any of those moves is suicide. Don’t throw yourself under a bus to save him. That’s all I was saying.”
“How can I save him if I don’t?”
Alice smiled, spread her arms. “Finally! Through the Socratic method, a breakthrough. A moment of clarity. A revelation. I can’t believe how long it took me to get you to ask that question.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Oh. Never mind. Cancel that revelation. Tell me, are you losing brain cells, or were you this stupid when I married you?”
“Each body I find lowers my IQ geometrically. Give me another chance. How can I save the guy without throwing myself under a bus was right. Now, I’m stupid for not saying, Oh! That’s the answer. I have to figure out a way to save him without giving him an alibi.”
I smiled at Alice. “How’s that?”
Alice gave me her best deadpan. “I’ll call Mensa.”
30
HE WAS ON DUTY. I COULD SEE HIM FROM DOWN THE BLOCK, resplendent in his uniform. He looked, if anything, slightly better groomed, just in case some TV reporter might want an interview. I wondered if he’d actually filmed any. I hadn’t watched the local news at eleven. Alice and I prefer to get our news from Jon Stewart.
Anyway, there he was, the eyewitness who cooked Leslie Hanson’s goose. The eyewitness who could cook mine. The man I couldn’t see.
I walked up to him and said, “Hi.”
He recognized me, even without the flowers.
“Hey, it’s the stud. Back again.”
I smiled. “You know how it is.”
I’m not sure he did. But he wanted to appear like he did. The man actually winked.
“Is Mrs. Finnegan in?” I asked him.
“Yes, she is. You want me to ring her?”
“No, I don’t.”
He frowned. “Huh?”
I leaned in confidentially. “It would be awkward. She doesn’t know my name.”
“Oh. I see.” The conspiratorial smile got wickeder. “I could say the flower delivery man.”
“I don’t have any flowers.”
“But you’re the flower delivery man.”
“I don’t think that’s how she’ll remember me.”
“But she must know you bought flowers.”
“It would be awkward.”
“You don’t want to go up?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Then I have to ring and tell her.”
“Trust me, she won’t complain.”
“So you say. You’re not the one taking the risk. If I get in trouble, it’s no skin off your nose.”
I put up my hands.
“Okay. When you’re right, you’re right. I see what you’re saying. You’re taking a risk for no reward.” I took out a twenty-dollar bill. “Have a drink on me, I swear it will be all right.”
He eyed the money covetously, but he made no move to take it, and an edge crept into his voice. “You don’t understand. There was a murder. A couple of days ago. I think it was the day you were here. You probably heard about it. Congressman got killed in his apartment.”
“Oh, yeah. They got the guy who did it, right? That was here?”
“Sure was. I spent the whole day talking to the cops and the landlord and the union rep. Not the time to be breaking rules.”
“I guess not.” My eyes widened. “Did you see the guy who did it?”
“Sure, I did. That’s why I had to talk to the cops. I had to pick him out of a lineup and everything.”
“A lineup?”
“Yeah.”
“Was that hard?”
“Piece of cake. I got a good memory for faces. Just like I remembered you. I saw him go in. I knew who he was.”
“He’d been there before?”
“Sure.”
“Wow,” I said. “This is like a Law & Order episode.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I was thinking that.”
“Were you here when the cops came?”
“Sure was. Cops came, said someone called in a disturbance. First thing I heard about it. They didn’t have the name, but they had the apartment number.”
“They call up and ask?”
“They told me not to. Said they’d go up and see. First thing I know, more cops come, and an ambulance, and the medics, just like on TV.”
“They arrested the guy right in the apartment.”
“Yeah. Dumb schmuck didn’t have the sense to leave.”
“You were there when they brought him out?”
“Sure. Marched him out in handcuffs. Right through the lobby. The body, too. Brought it out on a gurney. Couldn’t see it, it was under a sheet. They wheeled it right through the lobby into the ambulance.”
“And then the cops questioned you?”
“Not right away. They had to do all that crime scene stuff. When they got around to me, boy, they were thorough. Dragged me down to the station. Union had to call someone in to take my shift.”
“You get paid for your time?”
“Damn right, I did. One thing the union’s good for. Something like that, beyond your control, you don’t lose out. You get paid, the relief does, too.”
“What about the landlord?”
“What about him? I bet he files an insurance claim, gets it all back. Insurance company’s the only one takes a hit.”
“Uh-huh. So, you can’t let anyone go upstairs without ringing anymore.”
He frowned. “What do you mean, anymore? I never do that.”
“Oh. I thought—”
“You thought what?”
“Well, you said you couldn’t do it for me because of this thing that happened. This guy getting killed. So, I thought if he hadn’t gotten killed, it might be cool.”
“Well, you can see it isn’t cool. So, there’s nothing I can do. If you wanna go up, I gotta ring. You wanna go up?”
I shook my head. “I imagine Mrs. Finnegan’s had enough excitement for one week.”
31
THE OTHER THING I COULDN’T DO WAS TALK WITH LESLIE Hanson’s lawyer. I figured that meant in person. Luckily, Alexander Graham Bell came up with a wonderful invention.
“Hello?”
“Hello. Is this Mr. Englehart?”
“Yes. Who is this?”
“Are you the attorney for Leslie Hanson?”
“Yes, I am. With whom am I speaking?”
“I may have some information that will be of use to your client.”
“Really? Why don’t you come in and tell me about it?”
“I’d rather talk on the phone.”
“All right. With whom am I speaking?”
“You’re speaking with someone who has information that may help your client.”
“Anonymous tips are worthless.”
“Really? The way I hear it, that’s how your client got busted.”
“Who told you that?”
“You know your problem as a lawyer? You’re too concerned with who, and not enough concerned with what. The origin of the information isn’t nearly as important as the information itself.”
“You’re clearly not a lawyer.”
“Is it that evident? Usually, I have to miscite a few precedents.”
“If this is a crank call, I don’t find it funny. My client’s being held on a murder charge.”
“He couldn’t make bail? What happened? Is all his money tied up in your retainer?”
“I’m going to hang up now.”
“The doorman’s lying.”
“What?”
“The doorman. In the apartment building. At the crime scene. The one who ID’d your client. He’s lying.”
“You’re clearly not familiar with the facts of the case. My client was arrested at the scene.”
“Yeah. Always a bad move. I’m surprised you didn’t advise him against it.”
“The doorman’s identification of my client is irrelevant since my client was found there.”
“That’s not what he lied about. He lied about calling upstairs and the congressman saying to send him up.”
“And you know that how?”
“From the facts. You’d know it, too, if you weren’t so damn arrogant. Does your client say the doorman called upstairs? Does your client say the doorman talked to the congressman?”
“What my client said is none of your business.”
“No, but it should be yours. Your client is a frequent visitor in the building. Ask him if the doorman made him wait while he called upstairs, or if he just sent him up and called to say he was coming. If it was the latter, ask him how he knows the doorman called at all. He doesn’t, and the doorman didn’t. He only says he did so he won’t get in trouble with the landlord and the union. But he didn’t bother calling up, and if he had, the congressman wouldn’t have answered because the congressman was dead. If he says the congressman was alive when your client went up, he’s lying.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I can reason,” I said. “See, I never went to law school.”
32
THIS TIME MACAULLIF WAS REALLY PISSED.
“To what do I owe your indignation?”
“What do you think?”
“I don’t know, MacAullif. Are you playacting this time? Because, I must say, once was funny, but if you’re going to make this a regular thing …”
MacAullif slammed his fist down on his desk. “Don’t fuck around. What did I tell you about the congressman?”
“He may have been accepting bribes.”
“Don’t play dumb. It’s typecasting, and you’re still no good at it.”
“Hey. I used to be an actor. That’s just cruel.”
“You wanna see cruel? Stick around. I’ll show you cruel.”
“To what do I owe this ill humor?”
“The Congressman Blake case.”
“Oh, good. I have nothing to do with that case. Who are you mad at?”
“I just got a call from the ADA assigned to the case. He’s fit to be tied.”
“Oh?”
“The congressman’s attorney slapped a subpoena on one of his witnesses. Wants to take his deposition.”
“Can he do that?”
“No, he can’t do that. He can’t interrogate a prosecution witness under oath before the trial. The attorney knows that.”
“So, it’s a stupid move.”
“No, it’s a brilliant move. It’s a red flag that the witness is lying. It makes the prosecutor say, ‘What the fuck am I getting myself into.’ Then he takes a good hard look at his witness and tries to figure out what the lie might be.”
“What’d he come up with?”
“I didn’t bring you in here to give you information. I brought you in here to bawl you out.”
“I kind of got that impression.”
“Do you know why I’m bawling you out?”
“Not enough bran in your diet?”
“Out of the clear blue sky this dipshit attorney decides to take a pass at a prosecution witness.”
“I don’t want to tell you your business, MacAullif, but some lawyers would consider the phrase dipshit attorney actionable.”
“I have to wonder where the attorney got the idea.”
“Gee. You don’t suppose his client confided in him, do you?”
“His client didn’t know anything. His client was a dumb schmuck got caught in the act. He’s gonna tell his attorney, ‘Hey, the doorman who let me up is probably lying, because I wasn’t there at all.’”
“That doesn’t seem likely,” I admitted.
“So, I’m just wondering if you happened to talk to Leslie Hanson’s attorney.”
“I haven’t been anywhere near Leslie Hanson’s attorney.”
“Did you talk to him on the phone?”
“I’m going to have to refuse to answer on the advice of a dipshit attorney.”
“Yeah,” MacAullif said with disgust. “The last time I had you in here, I didn’t think you knew enough to make trouble in this case. Turns out you do. Which is bad news on all counts. Forget the fact you’re a meddling pain in the ass. If you knew enough to tip off Hanson’s mouthpiece, then you are mixed up in this way more than you let on. Perhaps even made that phone call to the police.”
“Oh, for God’s sake. You’re still afraid I’ll get you in trouble over the phone number.”
“I’m not afraid you’ll get me in trouble over the phone number. I’m afraid you’ll get convicted of murder trying to get the contractor off the hook.”
“I think you’re overreacting.”
“I’m overreacting? Fine. Then tell me. Yes or no. Did you make that phone call to the police?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“Of course, I do.”
“If I’d made that phone call to the police, I would have had perfectly pure motives. And no idea anyone might be at the scene of the crime.”
“Really? The phone call reported an altercation. Can you have an altercation without at least two people?”