When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

  Yeah, I may be negative, but at least I'm honest with myself... unlike you fake excuses for people!

  Jesus, in between your every five seconds of incessantly changing yourselves, so that you can all look and act the same, you frauds! Can you at least try to find something worthwhile to copy, mimic or plagiarise for once? and that's before you inevitably move on to your next fad. You're arguably the worst bunch out of all of them! all completely worthless and unnecessary human beings. Here's a new trend for ya, it's called being "T.C.T.S." Totally counterfeit transparent scum.

  ...Death to the trendies!

  Fucking trendies.

  "Hellooo!"

  I hate the people who only ever think and obsess about sex, and man, I thought my life was empty, one note and hollow... Forever trying to copulate with one another, and then multiply like sheep, and just like sheep or other dumb animals, they can never really seem to question why... or for what ends, and so they all "just do it". Typical flat cardboard people, everyone of them, two-dimensional mindless reproducers, drones, all of them lacking any interesting or unique personalities or traits whatsoever.

  Obviously, that's exactly what the world needs more of, right? yet more stupid, useless eaters! All sporadically sprayed across the unwilling face of the planet at random... The mass combined accumulation of all the loin-waste genetic material from a bunch of single track minded, two-legged viral diseases, whose stupid mindless breeding continues to contaminate the entire world, with nothing but more space-taking, stupid mindless breeders.

  So we're forever left wading through a slew of hereditarily amalgamated, all-consuming, walking, talking, TV watching earth polluting fungus, that likes nothing better than to use "credit cards" to "buy stuff" as they continue to aimlessly waddle around various shopping malls, looking for the next thing to buy or to eat ...and all thanks to the wonderful people who keep brainlessly popping out kids like their on some kind of fucking conveyor belt... as they ignorantly continue to replicate, and replicate, until sooner or later they finally purchase, consume, pollute then destroy, nearly every single thing left worth saving, and nothing whatsoever remains of the host...

  "...It's Jack, isn't it?"

  ...I guess I hate people who generalise as well, hmm, so does that mean I hate myself, then? No, as a matter of fact I'm probably the only one here who I don't hate in one form or another... You know what? I'd rather call it now, it saves time, I hate Every. Single. Person. here! Well, I actually kinda like the weirdos and freaks to be honest, if anything at least they're original ...unlike all these other wastes of skin and time, so that's cool, I guess... and there might be one other... maybe. Nah, you know what? Forget it!

  "JACK!"

  (Whatthebuggeringfuck?!! Who?!)

  "Earth to "Jack". That is your name, isn't it?!"

  (...Amanda?!)

  "...Either that, or you have some serious hearing problems!"

  (Apologise, you idiot!)

  "Erm, I, I uh... apologise, I mean... I'm sorry, I was lost in thought..."

  "Yeah, no kidding! I said hello like four times!"

  "I was thinking, uh, revising tests... in my brain, you know how it is, right?"

  "Yep, I sure do, I barely caught lunch because of trigonometry revision."

  "Y-Yeah, sure..."

  (Wait, she's just going to sit here and start eating?! Quick! think of something to say you fool! but, what can I even try and talk to her about?? the weather?!)

  "So, have you been thinking about joining Dale's little gang?! hee-hee!"

  (...Dale? who the fuck is that?)

  "D, Dale?"

  "Yeah, you know? the guy in the park from last time? ...It was only the first time we met you know!"

  (Oh, Papercut... that fucker!)

  "Yeah I, I remember! y'know... He lied about me wanting to join his club, and he followed me all the way outside, and through the hallway to do it!"

  "Ha-ha! Yeah, that sounds like Dale alright. He can be very... persistent, can't he?"

  (...He's lower than a rat's scrotum.)

  "He's a liar is what he is, like most people."

  "Oh, well he's not that bad, you should get to know him, he's a very kind and very funny guy, really. That's probably why he has more friends than me to be honest..."

  "Yeah, but they're all complete nerds, so it probably evens out..."

  "Hahaha, oh my! that's very funny, but my gosh you're terrible! Tell me, are you this dry and sarcastic all the time? don't you ever get tired?!"

  "Not really, I have a lot of material, and besides, I'm allergic to stupid, and on this planet it's like being allergic to air..."

  *Amanda snorts with laughter, the orange juice she was drinking comes pouring out of her nose*

  "You made juice come out of my nose! You, you bastard!"

  "Sorry. Ah shit, it's all down your shirt... That's pretty funny!"

  "...Shut up!"

  "Alright, shutting up... heh."

  (Shit! I dropped my knife, oh well, can't use it now... still, I'd better pick it up...)

  "...So."

  "So..."

  (Woah.. her legs are... is that because I'm the only one sitting here? or..."

  "Say, Jack, are you going to the prom in a few days?"

  (Oh shit! ...Here we go!)

  "W-Well, I-I wasn't really thinking about it to be honest... why?"

  (...I just noticed something ..under her blazer, why is her left wrist bandaged? did she have some kind of accident?)

  "Hm, no reason, really, I just wanted to know if you were going, Jack, that's all..."

  (Ask her, you fool! now's your only chance! Carpe diem!)

  "I-I was wondering uh, Amanda... I, If you would, uh... Like to go to the prom with me... Maybe?"

  *Amanda sighs*

  "I'm sorry, Jack, but I really can't..."

  (Ah, for fuck sake! I fucking knew it!! ...I shouldn't have asked!!!)

  "Not that I wouldn't... you know? it's just that I'm going with... Dale."

  (...WHAT?!!!)

  (I can't believe it... What the fucking hell is this?! oh, cruel, cruel gods... WHY DO YOU FORSAKE ME!!!)

  "...Jack?"

  (If he dies in some kind of, say, VIOLENT ACCIDENT!!! THEN SHE'LL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO GO WITH ME!!!)

  "JACK!"

  "Hm? ..Yes?"

  "...Did you hear what I said? I said I would, but Dale already asked me... besides, I've known him for ages, and you, well we barely know each other..."

  *The bell rings*

  (... Salvation.)

  "Y-Yeah, h, hey Amanda? You know what, uh, you have a good... erm, time. I, I'll see you around..."

  "Jack? do you really have to go to class RIGHT now?"

  (Just leave.)

  "Yeah, sure, um, don't want to be late... Bye!"

  (Just go.)

  "...Bye, Jack."

  SIX

  *Dog yelps*

  Why is it always only the bad memories I keep recollecting? Oh, that's right, it's because that's all I have... when you finally take off the rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia, you begin to see that the past itself was awful.

  That would have been a date though, wouldn't it? I mean, if I didn't screw it up that is, and I actually managed to take Amanda with me to the Prom, well, that would have counted as an actual date, right?

  All those things "dating" or "finding someone special" yeah, so they can eventually leave you, and tell you some totally bullshit excuse that they came up with like, "oh I'm so sorry but we've grown apart..." or whatever other lies they've come up with. Pft! Don't make me sick! running around, chasing some random bits of skirt! oh yeah... and if it runs away it probably isn't even worth chasing in the first place! Then they expect you to talk to them, I mean, why? ...what's the point?! so they can judge you, or try and find out how much they can steal from you first before moving on to their next victim? Nothing but blood-sucking, energy stealing vampires, all of them!

  What a pointless waste of time and ener
gy that is, only so you can go and find out for yourself, that just like everybody else they're all completely awful inside anyway.

  I haven't been on a date since... well, now that I come to think of it, I've never actually been on a "date". It reminds me of the last time I went to a club though, well, the only time I ever actually went to a club... and then promptly rage quit the club.

  That was a couple of years ago...

  *Flashing lights, loud, pulsing music*

  ...What am I doing here?

  Do you ever have one of those moments where you're standing somewhere so ridiculous, you can't help but ask yourself how you got there? and no matter how hard you try to think about it, you just can't seem to come up with a single decent answer?

  Yeah.

  So, why am I standing at a bar, surrounded by obnoxious, gyrating, desperate phonies?

  Ah, well. While I'm here I might as well at least drink myself stupid...

  "H, hey? bar guy. Hey can I get a..."

  (Well ok, sure, why don't you serve them? it's not like I was standing here first, or anything...)

  "...What can I get ya' pal?!"

  (Pal? I'm sorry. PAL?! You must have me confused for somebody else, hombre! I'm not your "Personal. Ass. Licker" and I never was!)

  "Heh heh..."

  "...You want somethin' or what?!"

  "Yeah, uh. Gin, please..."

  "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

  "...GIN! PLEASE!"

  "You want ice with that?! lime?! "

  "Er, whatever, I guess... I mean, sure!"

  "Comin' up!"

  "... Here ya' go! That'll be 9.41 SDs!"

  (9.41?! For a single gin with ice and lime! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY!!! Who the hell even pays that?!)

  "...9.41 you said?! Here, uh, actually... I think I have enough and... there."

  "Cheers!"

  (Un-fucking-believable... and this music is unbearable! how can anybody willingly listen to this shit?! y'know, in some countries they actually consider music this bad as a form of torture, and use it for interrogations... I can see why. You know, you can tell a lot about the times by judging its popular music... God help us all.)

  (Maybe it...)

  "Hi there!"

  (Huh? Wha?)

  "I said "hello there!" how are you?!"

  (About as well as can be expected, I suppose... This woman...is? is she hitting on me?? ...I don't know. Erm, do I have to do something?! I'd, I'd better say hello.)

  "...Uh, h, hello?!"

  "Yes. Hello. So, are you here all alone?!"

  (Why, I certainly am! because besides me, I don't actually know anybody rich enough, tasteless enough, or stupid enough to come to a place like this... Thankfully.)

  "Yeah, I-I am... why?!"

  (She's fairly attractive as far as generic blondes go, I suppose... Well, at least she would be if it wasn't for all the excessive make-up, her voice sounding like a cat being strangled with a violin bow, and that green-spinachy looking thing stuck right inbetween her front teeth...)

  "So, what's your name?!"

  "Jack!"

  "So... "Jack" do you come here often?!"

  "No, not really..."

  (Thank God, because if I did, I'd be as deaf and stupid as I'd be broke...)

  "... In all honesty, the music?! it's too loud! Miss, uh?!"

  "It's Sarah not "miss" so, you mean you don't like the music?!"

  (Seriously, it's WAY too loud! why the hell do people come to places like this to TALK to others! In fact, come to think about it, why the hell did I? I have to be as blatantly ignorant and as stupid as they are!)

  "Do I like the music?! No, I don't really, not at all!"

  "But! but! It's "Rippin' Ballz!" with his new single! "I Cn't W8 2 Dnce wiv U 2 Dis!"

  (...Well, it's at least named like it sounds, complete shit, obviously, that's probably the one good thing about it, I guess... At least I can't buy it by mistake, so that's good.. although come to think of it, in theory I could by accident... I mean, if I mashed random letters on my keyboard like an imbecile, or leaned on it? or say I headbutted it in anger even... accidentally, of course. See, now that could be a problem... Shit.)

  "...HEL-LO?!"

  (...Also, it could work like a search engine kinda thing, where if you key in the wrong word.... or if it's set to voice recognition, and I'm stuttering too much or something? then it comes back with similar search results, y'know? for morons, the dyslexic, or the French... No! wait! I meant "none English speakers!" not "The French" ...or maybe it's named just for the kind of stupid assholes that made, manufactured, and marketed the whole stupid fucking song, singer, and album! How about that?!)

  ".....Earth to you!"

  "...Yes? oh, wait, uh... Sarah ..right? yeah... this song?! Honestly, I can definitely see myself waiting a while before I'd want to "dance wiv anyone to dis!"

  (Ugh.)

  "Really?! Wow... you are so weird! it's totally like, the hottest thing out right now! It's the first single off his new album "I Wanna Fcuk U On Tha Dnce Flur 2 Nite!" You didn't even know that?!"

  (Yes, I am the weird one that has no taste, of course. Still, I'm rather glad that I can be considered "weird" on this planet filled with fuckwits... )

  "Yeah "Jack?" I'm sorry! you don't really look it.... but, I just realised your like.. a complete freak show or something! ....So, uh, bye!"

  (What?! But, but, you came on to me! ...Nah, you know what? fuck you! I don't need the STD's anyway! Fucking women... it's like playing fucking baseball with fucking hand grenades!)

  "You know what "Sarah" fuck you! I don't need the STD's anyway! ...and while I'm at it, fuck! this! place! with its ridiculously overpriced watered down drinks, and its shitty-awful tasteless and atrocious fucking music!"

  "...Once again, fuck you! "Sarah" you skank! ...and fuck all the rest of you Christ-forsaken, soulless, self-posing, automated robotic frauds! ...I'm leaving."

  "Yeah, stare! bunch of fake, stupid cretins all of you!"

  "...Eat me!"

  (......Police report this evening, that Prince Charming himself has been found brutally murdered, the body was found bound, gagged, and lying dead in a ditch by the side of the road by passers-by. His tragic demise was seemingly caused by a gangland style execution, the apparent cause of death multiple gunshot wounds to the back of the head, the suspects are armed, dangerous, and still at large... all of them are presumed female...)

  (So, this is what it feels like to be the only rational person left in a completely irrational world...)

  SEVEN

  *Dog barks, howls*

  They say it's a dog eat dog kinda world, well, go ahead and eat each other I say! don't mind me!

  I prefer cats anyway... cleaner, quieter, and they take much better care of themselves. Dogs are stupid, loud, annoying... and they smell, also, they're too eager to please... hmm? that's probably why the majority of the herd prefer dogs, then? or maybe it's because, unlike their owners, they're supposed to be "kind" "loving" and "loyal" ...or some other fluffy make-believe nonsense.

  Over the years I've heard many an idiot say stupid things like "you can always rely on the kindness and generosity of other people!" Now, I don't know what planet they came from, but here? and on this one? yeah... not really. You see the truth is, that if you actually tried to rely on anyone else in this society, if and when you really needed it, you'd most likely be dead within a week.

  ...Don't get me wrong, I don't really care for the opinions or affairs of others, and I certainly don't care about "modern society". For I am above you all, far above!

  Besides, it's nothing but one big zoo out there...

  You got the lions, the snakes, the pigs, the sharks, the fat-cats, the sloths, the chickens, the hawks, the chicken-hawks, the horses, hyenas, cougars, skunks, chimps, cheetahs, weasels, wolves, worms, maggots, bulls, bears, the sheep, ants, wasps, worker bees, rabbits, parrots, slugs, peacocks, seals, tigers, gorillas, chinchillas, owls, chameleons, goats, mice, rats, dog
s, elephants, hippos, and whales...

  ...and do you know what they all have in common? not one of them is intelligent enough to understand what a "zoo" actually is.... Funny thing that.