When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

  "... Are you alright? Jack, you seem to be a little, lost in thought?"

  (No... None of that shit is going to work and you know it!)

  "I, uh, no... I'm fine.. honestly."

  (I'm fine...)

  "Are you sure? Now I know it's a lot to take in at first, but if you are sure, and you have nothing further you wish to ask? Well then, you take care Jack and I'll see you in two weeks."

  (Maybe I should sa... Nah, y'know what? what does it matter... Who cares?)

  "Yeah, I... thanks, uh, goodbye."

  EIGHTEEN

  If misery loves company, then why am I always alone, I wonder? I could go for one of those latex dolls right about now, the kind that looks indistinguishable from a real woman, but better, y'know? ... Quieter.

  No, wait, I can't, they're too expensive, never-even-mind about the walking, talking, bot versions they have now, complete with full AI, but honestly, they're probably overrated anyway, too much maintenance required, I hear, and just like the real thing it'd probably never shut up! still, maybe there's mute function or whatever? ...nah, it's not worth it, and besides, they're WAY out of my price range, and I'm flat broke.

  Oh well, one can dream I suppose...

  My own solitude, chosen or imposed, regardless, is probably the end result of my actions, or lack of them towards others, and in turn, their actions towards me. Obviously a result of... but wait, hear me out! Shit... should I keep taking these pills? what if... No, forget it.

  Anyway, in my life I always tried to treat people the way they treated me, in kind, reciprocated directly, good or bad. I always tried to return other people's actions and intents towards myself, and then reflect them straight back at them, like a mirror, I guess, the only problem with doing that was, well, at first, it was only my personal psychological response to any assumed threat that may have appeared, either real, imagined, or "simulated" but later, it became a cure all, a tool for any and every social situation, and so I used it accordingly.

  Due to... reasons, I wanted to be left alone and people always imposed on that, whether they knew it or not. For instance, I've tried previously, but still, I can't start talking to people about all the trite trivial things in the world that I don't really care about. I just can't grit my teeth, and have yet another pointless conversation about nothing of importance with people I don't even want to know.

  Because of all the bizarre, and frankly pointless social rituals that the cretins must insist on surrounding themselves with, and obsessing over, I wanted eternal solitude... if only for reasons of basic sanity alone. I craved it, strived for it and I guess in a way, thankfully, most people could sense that, and the majority of them would just leave me be. Of course a few wouldn't, however, but there you go... the scientific term for these people would probably be "cloacas".

  So here I am, and I'm wondering to myself if I had a choice would I still choose to live this way? alone, or instead, would I choose the whole... people thing? ...Well, I've already seen the whole "people thing" in action, and to be honest I'm not that impressed, not impressed at all really.

  Honestly though, I'm getting pretty tired of society's various repeated attempts at forcing me to "connect" with others nowadays, under the vaguely definable guise of being "social" or whatever... and I'm sure it just means in some narrow form, or with some large concessions that is, where it will allow you to be molded, manipulated, and prodded into some kind of "socially acceptable" being, because there's probably small print in there somewhere, there always is.

  Still, why would I ever want to do that, when I only wanted to keep people as far away from me as possible? A wise man one said "Hell is other people" and a really high one was quoted as saying "The cost of sanity, in this society, is a certain level of alienation" different people, but both were obviously onto something.

  The way I live, the way I am, I mean, it isn't ideal, sure, I know, but even thinking about how blatantly, unashamedly awful, and monumentally idiotic people in general are, and along with this mindless, meandering garbage dump of a fake-crap obsessed society that they choose to live in, and be part of, as well as "contribute" to, and, well, yeah... So honestly, my current situation is really not that bad when you seriously start to consider the alternatives.

  Dealing with all that shit and nonsense on a day to day basis? Yeah, ok, I think I'd prefer to stay put.

  Come to think of it, why did I want to be alone in the first place, what caused it? I don't remember... was it fear? ...rejection? or possibly some kind of forgotten childhood trauma? a...

  *...bang!bang!bang!bang!bang!*

  What? ..What's that noise?!

  ...Huh? it, it sounds like, like gunfire?! ...gunshots coming from directly across the plaza! What the hell is going on?! ...I should check outside, I need to look out the window... now!

  ...Can't see too much past the park.. but wow.... it's... it's complete pandemonium! People running every which way! cars blocking the road, there's still continuous gunfire, and so much of it!

  I-I can't see much of anything over the trees.. except for the top few floors... but it's definitely coming from that building directly across the way! jeez, could it be terrorism? Maybe... but if not.. it could just be gang related again. It might be someone fighting the uh, Chinese, what are they called again? The Triad? ...but who could be fighting them? other organised gangs? ...Russians? ...The Exchange?!

  God help us if it's them... it's bad enough what they're always saying about them on the news, day to day, and then the media, how should I put it? "play it down" but still, Chinatown was supposed to be one of the safer, more quieter areas of the city... maybe even because of the organised Chinese criminals. I mean, they obviously don't like any other gangs coming to their turf, and so they defend it like militants, so in turn, it stays relatively "safe" around here compared to other parts of the city... Funnily enough, that's what actually makes this area one of the safest, well, as opposed to all the other districts. That was one of the reasons I moved here, so I don't under...

  *BOOM!!!*

  ...What the?!

  Oh, you've got to be joking... an explosion?!!!

  How?!

  Where?!!

  ...Did, did it come from that same building?! yeah, wait, I see it! ..glass is falling everywhere! it's all over the street down there... and there's flames pouring out of the windows.. now there's smoke coming from the rooftop! There are people... running, screaming, ...and the blast itself shook my windows... and now it set off all those car alarms!

  What the hell is happening to this city?!

  NINETEEN

  Can we please purge all the low minded scum from the world? ...You know the type I mean? all the spiteful, facetious, two-faced, insulting, low-grade and low thinking trash.

  ...and IF we can't get rid of them, then can we at least acknowledge that the aren't actually needed on this planet? and then can we finally put them all into some kind of huge death camps where they belong? A place where they can spend their free time screaming insults at each other, fighting, and raising more useless, obnoxiously loud, brain-damaged kids. All from within the "safety" of the "camp" of course... and away from the rest of us!

  Yes, I know, the term "death camp" isn't exactly politically correct, I apologise... still, what do they call them now, anyway? "refuges" or "sanctuaries" or whatever.

  Still, it wouldn't be all bad for them, y'know? I mean they could have some fun! after all, they'd be around like minded creatures just like themselves for one thing! oh, and I meant like minded "people" obviously...

  Anyway, give them a few TVs, and they can sit around all day laughing at fart jokes, or some other lowest common denominator shit, like watching pointless idiotic things such as sports, talent shows, soap operas, and the all-new "ultra-reality TV" dreck.

  Then you could let them blast the kind of monotonous noise they all lap up throughout these camps as well, and then they can listen to this godawful faddy-fucking "music" being played at full volume, 24
/7 which they seem to love to do, and make other people have to tolerate.

  What's that new mainstream trash called, you know? the new stuff that's all the rage now amongst the hormonal? well, at least "all the rage" this week, anyway... Ah yes, now I remember "Ictus Shim" ...yeah, that's it. Awful.

  I know it's a big cliché, but there are three kinds of people in this world.

  One: High minded people who only think about, and concern themselves with doing various great deeds and important things, either "good" or more often than not, "bad" can also be "evil" fuckers as well.

  Two: The so-called "normal" people, who are the forever enduring, unflinching and senselessly mediocre part of the whole broken status quo. Those who only seem to exist to get (a)head and talk about what others are doing, always obsessing about other people's worthless opinions on useless things. A flock of proverbial ostriches who are eternally concerning themselves with "what the neighbours might be thinking"... Does it even matter? again, can't you people think for yourselves? and then they simply go about the rest of their time being "normal". Although the only problem with that is, being a norm' is completely and utterly mundane, ultimately fucking pointless, and therefore gets you absolutely nowhere in life.

  Three: All the low-grade trash, "the low minds" or the "little people" of the world... these are the kind of camp-fodder that I was refering to, worms who love to nothing more than spending all their free time split between criticizing others, because they lack the basic talent and confidence to do anything of worth themselves, and trying their sad, pathetic, tired two-faced gossip on people, while attempting to insult, and put those, who they frankly know will always be better than them down.

  Always mouthing off, and spreading lies and deceit to find even more spineless ways to twist things, back-stab, or fuck the few decent people left over, but in the mean time, they're always desperately going further, and trying harder to drag others down to their slimy, pathetic little level.

  A level, I might add, that they themselves know they can never, ever climb out of or slither away from, and why you ask? well, all so that they can pass the time, by no longer feeling lonely in the knowledge of what they already know... but can't ever admit! That they're always going to be nothing more than ugly, low-grade trash! You see? that's exactly what they can never acknowledge to themselves in the backs of their pathetically feeble, and jealous little minds, and throughout their whole empty, pointless, and miserable existences!

  Ha!

  Come to think of it... I guess there's a forth type as well, but they don't exist, not really...

  I now now what that explosion was, the one from yesterday afternoon? Well, sort of.

  The news, as usual, completely glossed over it and the authorities went so far to put a local moratorium on any kind of internet usage here for a few hours, so when Internet-2 finally got back up, I spent some time checking it out online, and as it turns out, my first suspicions were correct! it was some kind of gang related attack, and they say from the looks of it some type of explosives were used.

  They apparently pulled a ridiculous amount of bodies out of the place when it was all over, all Chinese gang affiliates, "Tongs" allegedly, strange thing is, no one knows who did all the killing... or even how many of them there were, and the police have been very, very quiet about it, as usual they were on the news, stating typical pre-prepared clueless police statements such as the classic "no leads at this time" which is strange, because you'd think that if someone started a large-scale gun battle, followed by a big explosion in the middle of the afternoon, in a busy, and heavily populated district in the second largest city in the country, then somebody should have probably seen something...

  I don't know, something strange is going on in this town. I don't feel safe around here anymore.

  TWENTY

  It's still Wednesday, I only know because it said online that the explosion happened yesterday, and that was apparently Tuesday, also, it was during the afternoon.

  Now, I knew today wouldn't be very quiet, what with the ambulances, the police, and the fire department coming and going at all hours, but ever since the explosion, literally, about an hour afterwards there has been an unbelievable amount of noise, "music" whatever you want to call it, coming from the flat at the end, you know? the one with "The happy couple".

  Seriously though, the noise is absolutely unbelievable! and nearly as loud as the actual explosion before! and it's nearly constant, how do I even begin to describe it? ...it literally sounds like the background music to some kind of satanic orgy, and the exact same "song" if you could even call it that, is playing over and over and over, only ending briefly for a few hours last night, and a few this afternoon. It's strange though, something I don't understand yet, sometimes it sounds like a recording... and then sometimes, it sounds like it's being played live...

  I've just woken up about five minutes ago, it's early evening, and I'm seriously fucking hoping that it's stopped for good now. Seriously, I swore to myself that if it started again, I would go and knock on their apartment door... don't get me wrong, I don't want to! I'm terrified! who knows what type of psychopaths live there if their listening to that shit! but I have to do something if I ever hope to hear myself think again!

  TWENTY ONE

  It's been a few hours of peace and quiet, well, for this place anyway, but the awful music has started up again! I've already tried complaining to the landlord, but even through all his broken English I could tell that he didn't give a shit... so, there's nothing I can do, I have to deal with it myself. I have to go.

  ...Ok, door key?... check! wait, do I even need to lock the door behind me? Yes, yes I do. Idiot! now do I look a state? let me check the mirror, uh... mirror... I look ok, I cut my hair and shaved recently because of the last time, when I met my bank manager, and that whole... saga. I mean, I look somewhat unkempt, so, should I shave again? Nah, that'd be overkill... god this noise is horrendous! I can't, I can't hear myself think! screw this! forget the mirror and the shaving! I'm taking off the quilt from around me... and now I'm going!

  ....Wait! what if I call the cops instead? no, no, they don't care about noise complaints, and they'd tell just me to contact my building manager, or whatever... but maybe, maybe someone else has complained to our unintelligible Chinese landlord already? and he's, uh, already spoke to them?! No! enough stalling! ...I'm going!

  *Door shuts*

  Ok.. locking... door. I'm in the hall, everything's alright so far? yes? ok! ...keys? check... Jeez, the music is even worse outside! and it's definitely coming from their place. I... wait a second?! Oh.... My... God... I'M NOT WEARING ANY PANTS!!! I'm standing in the middle of the hallway! in nothing but a white vest and boxer shorts! No socks! No shoes!! Nothing!!! INSIDE!! QUICK!!!

  *Door slams shut*

  Did, did anybody see?!... no? No, I don't think so... there was nobody there! Phew! nobody saw, I'm sure of it... Ok, enough! forget this, idiot! hurry and get dressed! ...let's go already!

  *Knock knock knock*

  (What if he has a knife?! a gun?! what If he opens the door and immediately stabs and shoots me?! ...I'm screwed!)

  "Who are ya?! and why yer' knockin'?!"

  *Heavy footsteps*

  (Oh shit...)

  *Sound of door unlocking*

  (...I'm dead.)

  *Door opens*

  "What the hell do you want?!"

  "I-I I'm a neighbour! I need to speak with you, it's about..."

  "Yeah, lemme guess, the noise right?!"

  "Well I've already told that bleedin' chinky landlord, and the old bitch down the hall it ain't us!"

  (What?! it's not?... wait, did he seriously just use a racial fucking slur?! ...Oh, fuck this guy!)

  "Yeah, let me guess... you don't believe me? go look for yourself then. Come on in!"

  (Wait, there's something familiar about this guy... something I can't quite put my finger on. I don't know, maybe all the pricks I keep meeting have started merging
together, they do tend to look more than a bit alike, bald or short shaved hair, bad dental work... stupid. In fact, I'm starting to think they're cloning these fuckers in a basement lab somewhere... they might as well have barcodes stamped on the back of their heads, or something.)

  "Well go on, what the 'ell yer waitin' for?! That window... there!"

  (I should... go inside?)