When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

  "What a bastard... why?"

  "It was just, his way, y'know? then sometimes, he would just.. start crying all of a sudden, and he would start telling me how much I reminded him of her..."

  "I don't understand, Amanda. He would say things about how much you remind him of of your mother? but on the other hand... he would tell you that you were a mistake? Why?"

  "Well... my mother decided to go ahead and have me despite her condition, at first, I suppose you could say I was unplanned an... accident, but even so, my mother apparently really wanted to have me, and even though it was against all the recommendations of the doctors, she wouldn't listen to anyone, especially later on..."

  "...My dad would also recount things he said to her around this time, back to me, he.. would apparently keep telling her to abort, until it became almost constant, he'd say not to risk it, that they "could always have another baby" even while while she was heavily pregnant and past the legal window of abortion.... but he said all this for her own sake, of course..."

  "...Dad would start crying sometimes after... drinking, and when he did, he would... take the time, and every other opportunity to say things to me like "I shouldn't be here" he would always tell me things like that... he would also say many, many, times over the years, that if it was his choice I wouldn't even be here today... again, he was usually drunk.. but, well.. I heard "stories" about just how stubborn my mother could be, and because she insisted and wouldn't move, and, so, ..here I am!"

  "....."

  "Jack?"

  (...What the hell is wrong with this world?)

  "....."

  "What's wrong?"

  "... I don't know, I'm trying to figure that out for myself..."

  "Jack it's ok. I love him, he's still my father. I can't possibly hate my own dad now, can I?"

  (Your lying. I can see it in your eyes...)

  "No, I suppose not. I mean, I suppose you can't..."

  THIRTY EIGHT

  What is love? ...stupid memes. No, no, I'm certainly not in love, so that's not what I'm wondering, besides, how could I be? especially if I flat out refuse to let myself be hoodwinked into believing in such fairy tale nonsense unlike those other mindless simpletons out there.

  So what the hell is it? "Love" it's not what movies, TV and novels would have you believe, that's for sure. So-called "romantic" love is nothing more than chemical reactions in the brain due to outside stimuli. Love existing as far as all the various gift card, flower and confectionery purveyors would have you believe is a complete and utter lie. It's the exact same deal with the all-singing, love-crooning, leathery charlatans of yesteryear... the guys that will always have one eye on your purses and wallets while simultaneously hitting those high notes. It's brain chemistry and nothing more, well, maybe it can be classed as a possible mental disorder too, I suppose.

  Maybe to the afflicted, it's like a logical blind spot, some kind of mutual surrender or intentional submission, or perhaps, it's some kind of pathetic willing compromise you fool yourself into... kind of like Stockholm syndrome. For instance, why would one willingly make themselves that weak, stupid, and clueless, and to be willing to invite such foolishness into their lives? ...why? for a simple endorphin release?? the EXACT same endorphins that can be gotten in a myriad of different ways. Are you people all completely and utterly fucking retarded?!

  Anyway, what is it about this ridiculously stupid state of delusion, that would make men attempt to fight wars and move mountains? I suppose nothing is more powerful than the mind, especially if it wants to compound the situation with ridiculous lies and outright fallacies, and people certainly do so love to deceive themselves, no pun intended, of course.

  It's people knowing the inevitable that frustrates me to the point I can't even begin to understand. Still choosing to submit, as well as doing so willingly to the maelstrom like insanity of it all, for it is surely stupidity personified, and yet, even if you do not accept what I say, then you must at least know of the pain of separation? of death? ...of the suffering and misery that it causes. Whatever, who cares, continue to delude yourselves.

  ...I suppose it does come back to delusions then, but by actually enabling your brain to play tricks on you, you're giving it the all clear to do so, and like anything, the more gullible and weak willed you are, I suppose the stronger you feel its effects...

  THIRTY NINE

  Due to that short sojourn outside I had with Amanda a few days ago, I've been thinking all sorts of things.

  So my therapist told me not to keep my feelings and thoughts bottled up so much, and to start telling others about them, that's why I started telling Amanda those things outside the coffee house the other day. That was so unlike me... I'm usually much more reticent, but in all honesty though it did feel pretty good at the time.

  I could tell that she wouldn't accept my style of thinking that day, maybe she never will? and when I started to think about that afterwards, I ended up feeling much worse because of it. So I started over-analysing and over-thinking again, and then I remembered what good is expressing your thoughts and feelings, when others will simply choose to turn away and reject them? especially if they don't like what they hear, it's completely pointless.

  At one point when we were talking, she even said something like "I could tell that you're always lost in your own world" yeah, no kidding, it still beats being constantly hurt by people in this one. She also told me to stop worrying as much, and that "you can't change the past and what's happened" and at one point, she all but told me to get over myself in so many words... yeah, ok, about the past I get it, and telling me to get over myself, well, that fine too, but what if you can't just "move on" from your past, no matter how hard you try?

  ...What then?

  Looking around while I was out there, I realised something else when I came back as well, that the world simply isn't built on equality of any kind, even though all people are created equal, oh yeah, sure... equally scum. Besides, most cretins probably can't even spell the word "equality" anymore, anyway, let alone know what it even means, especially now, and at this point... I'm serious, most of these idiots probably need auto-correction... "Duh? how you spell dat?! Ek... Eqw.. E.q.w.a.l.i.t.y?!" No, the world isn't built on equality it's built on something much worse instead...

  Conformity.

  I remember when I was young, at school, when I was around twelve or so. One day, towards the end of class, we had a quick and simple assignment, we were each given a single piece of paper with the words "what do you want to be when you grow up?" in black-ink printed on the front, near the top, it was a survey of sorts, I suppose, probably so all the results could be fed into some massive database somewhere to be later catalogued and crossed-referenced.

  Anyway, as I looked around at some of the other kids nearby, I could just about make out what some of their answers to this particular "question" were, most kids put the usual childish wishes for their future occupations such as "fireman" or "astronaut" usually misspelled, and then similarly continued to write in detail about these things. However, as for myself, I decided to cut the crap and test something out... an idea of sorts that I had, and so, I simply put what most of the teachers probably wanted to hear anyway, so I sarcastically wrote "I wish to be an average member of society who works hard, pays my taxes and then has children" ...and basically, in a nutshell, that's pretty much what I put... a little while later, the bell rang and we all handed in our papers, while I left class with a smug grin across my prepubescent face.

  The very next day, in class, my teacher "Mr Burton" while still sat down, sternly called me to the front of the class with the other kids watching. "Oh shit! I'm in for it now!" I remember thinking to myself, as I began to stand up and walk towards his desk while apprehensively staring down at my shoes, anyway, as I reached his desk, he starts standing up, and as he does, I see that he's holding my little "project" from yesterday, and then this... this was the EXACT moment I finally realised that the whole world has to be
totally fucking cracked... I mean, I couldn't believe it!

  He begins to smile and congratulate me, right? and by this point I'm thinking "...what this about?" then before I know it, he's practically putting his arm around me, and, in front of everybody, he starts fawning and telling the whole class that I was a "example to be followed" and stupid shit like how great it was to be a "responsible young person with realistic goals" ...while seriously reading out all that drivel I had previously wrote to the entire class! He even made everyone in the room give me a round of applause when he was finished, as he sent me back on my way.... The whole thing was a farce, and it made me feel sick as I walked back to my desk.

  *...sigh*

  I suppose I always felt like an observer and never a participant in life, still, it does have its perks, though. So because of that, I would always look at others analytically, their motivations, their actions, and their results... or lack of them.

  As it turns out, they're not actually very complex at all...

  For instance, give the average person something shiny and tell them they're getting something "expensive" or "rare" even if that's a total lie, and the stuff in question is cheap garbage... whether the thing is actually worth something in any way, shape, or form doesn't even matter, because if you use any kind of "marketing" in the right way to these clowns, then they'll all trip over each other trying to get at it regardless! just like the group of easily duped mass-consumer simpleton fools that they are!

  Watching all the fools standing in line and walking around the other day, I realised something, that people like everything the same, safe. Even when their being so-called "Non-conformists" it's probably why they're all so fucking boring.

  People are like parrots, always chirp, chirp, chirping away, forever parroting and unquestionably believing each others "popular opinions" and then changing theirs like the wind when they think it might be "wrong" and all simply due to what others apparently think. Then always ignorantly repeating and recycling old tired clichés, over and over again that they heard from somewhere, usually from someone seemingly more "funny" or "intelligent" and as with everything, they do it so much that they inevitably ride it into the ground.

  They're like dogs forever eating and regurgitating their own filth, so on their hands and knees they scrabble around in the dirt for what little "knowledge" they can scrounge-up, or what was left behind, usually buried by charlatans, and then they start quoting it en masse... even if it's completely wrong, still, never any care, or any interest in just how unreliable that information, or those people in question might be, and then they wait for the next person to come along to supposedly show them a glimpse of some more alleged "truth".

  ...It's like some kind of mass outbreak of monkey see, monkey do that goes on forever... and on a global scale.

  Morons, the whole lot of them, and the ironic reality is, that they can't deal with, and could never see the real truth, besides, there are few today in this society that can, so instead they pick at it, and choose the parts they prefer like the weak cowards they are. The ones that know real truth in this world, and who can think for themselves, either don't care anymore, or are so outnumbered that even at a crescendo, their voices will never truly be noticed to make a real difference, and as a result, their cries are nearly indistinguishable over the eternal mass-squelching sound of the herd.

  So, eager to please, the masses continue to prostitute themselves like the little whores they have strived so hard to become, and all because of pimp-slap of convention, always searching for that elusive "golden handshake" but instead, only ever finding "golden showers". Always trying to "fit in" and forever trying to do what the others are doing, after all, people are only comfortable with you if you fit neatly packaged into your little box with your permanent label attached, just like the boring stereotype you are, and that you've willingly become.... What a sad, pathetic way to live.

  Sooner or later nothing of worth will even exist, if you insist on incessantly pandering to the ridiculously indecisive whims of others!

  This entire "culture" this entire sham of a society, all fast-paced content and information that is utterly-devoid of any real meaning or substance, it's kinda like a "Fabergé egg" pretty on the outside, hollow on the inside, and totally useless when it comes down to it... actually, it's more like an Academy "Award" a heavy, shiny, worthless piece of shit, that on the surface, is only marginally made out of any real gold, has minimal value, and in the end is merely something that could barely function as a paperweight... Oh, and it's usually being given to the wrong people, at the wrong time... but everybody still wants one though!

  Morons.

  Funny how there's practically an award for anything now, no matter how pointless or absurd, but hey, as long as it's shiny, right?

  Everything that is or isn't shining is already garbage anyway, and simply because these idiots choose to surround themselves with assholes, and then they go and wonder why they're covered head-to-toe in shit.

  I suppose they want whatever minimal amounts of prestige they can get, so they can be seen as "respectable" to all the other zombies. You do know that, statistically, most rapists, murderers, and child molesters usually look "respectable" too ...and do you know why? 'cause it makes it far easier for them to do what they want and get away with it, and all by simply trying to look and act "normal" or "respectable".

  So remember kiddies! just as long as you try to conform, or at least look like a norm' all slick and slimy in your nice suit, then it's perfectly fine! lie, cheat, steal, eat, and murder whatever the fuck you want.

  Yeah, but people don't want to hear that, do they? ...because it's the truth, that's why. No, instead they won't hear it, they still want to seem "respectable" instead.

  Oh yeah, because working a job you hate as a permanent wage-slave, as well as mixing with people you hate, and wasting your entire life away forever dealing with everything you hate, by continuously standing around like a prick all day, or sitting at a desk like one, and doing the same things over and over again, and because of it, wanting to slit your wrists on a day-to-day basis is A-ok! just as long as you look and feel "respectable".

  ...Yes, and I'm the one who's supposed to be clinically insane.

  They're nothing but pathetic, conformist, brainless, moronic trash.

  As for me, I'll change the entire world before I change myself!

  ...I'm at the point now where I just want to stab everyone who looks at me wrong in the eyes.

  FORTY

  I've been wondering lately, have I been making compromises with myself? is it because of me, or because of the medication that I am going around in a literal confused, miserable daze, along with a seemingly permanent matter-of-fact state of mind?

  For instance, I was thinking about getting a bird, and I almost went out to... but then I realised in all my momentary ambivalence, how cruel it is to keep a bird alone locked in a cage, so I started thinking things like why, and for what, my general amusement? Then I realised I didn't actually care either way, and that the only reason I didn't get one, is because I couldn't be bothered to.

  I went out for coffee with Amanda last week, and I can't think or come up with an actual logical or even a single conclusive reason why. Even though deep down, I knew that it would bring nothing but hassle into my life, like a fool, I went anyway. I used to at least have better decision making skills, I'm beginning to wonder if it's even worth taking this medication anymore, if it's going to make me yet another weak willed and brain-dead slug.

  In hindsight, all the old moments of depression, persistent rage, anger, and confusing energy now pale in comparison to the constant feelings of hollow, and occasional suicidal emptiness I'm now left with. Instead, I'm left with this constant "oh, well... nevermind" mindset that I'm always now and forever approaching things with. Besides, I've been checking around for any side effects with these things, and they're seriously not good.

  This is direct from the manufacturers website...

/>   Long term side effects for these specific drugs include: itching, confusion, paranoia, blurred vision, mood swings, hallucinations, depression, schizophrenic delusions, suicidal thoughts, schizophrenia, delusions, fatigue, mania, depersonalisation, violent urges, diarrhoea, vomiting, sleep apnoea, loss of concentration, drowsiness, insomnia, sudden death syndrome, shingles, water retention, total deafness, partial blindness, loss of sex drive, increased sex drive, visual and hearing distortion, obesity, anorexia, anxiety, impulse-control disorder, hostility...

  Jesus... and it just keeps going on like that, also, those are only about a third of the listed side effects! I've not even started reading through the rest of them.

  These things are supposed to help make me feel better?! It's no wonder I've recently been feeling far worse off than before...

  I've also been having the urge to actually hurt people lately as well instead of only... thinking about it, and that's never ever happened before. Well... not this substantially anyway. Before, any violent urges I had were usually directed towards myself, and that's another thing, it's got nothing to do with drinking alcohol either, because I haven't touched a drop since last I told my psychiatrist at our previous appointment that I was actually drinking, and so because of that, I cut it out.