Lucas ran his fingers through my scalp again, and I pushed against them to feel the pressure, reminding myself what his touch did to me and that nothing that went on in the warehouse behind me could be anything close. He focused intently on me, and I met his gaze. When I opened my mouth, Lucas shook his head. We didn’t need to say it. He knew where my mind had gone. Not knowing what else to do, I nodded. Message received.
The door opened and Lucas turned to greet Robert with a hug. While Case could easily have been on the other side of the camera at GB, Robert Everwood was a total bear, complete with dark, thick body hair, a protruding gut and abundant ink. “Hey, Tommy. Case said you had some business questions for me.”
Robert introduced himself and Lucas got down to business. I listened while Lucas fired our prepared questions at Robert. In addition to his financials, we learned his take on the industry. His thoughtful answers pleasantly surprised me. I didn’t know what I expected, but Robert wasn’t it. He had all the data we needed—industry trends, market share, profit and loss. They spent a ton on marketing, and he walked us through what had and hadn’t worked in their past campaigns. “The goal is to sell memberships. That’s how we make most of our money. Models sell memberships, not ad campaigns. One of our most successful ideas was to give each model a subscription referral link. They promote our site with their referral link, and if someone signs up, they get a cut. If a model has a few super fans, those fans will also promote that link. Basically, our job is to find models who don’t only perform well but also see it as a business. Take your club opening last month… We had a surge in sales right after that event.”
“Why?” I asked.
Lucas’ face brightened, “That was my idea. I opened that new gay club on the Westside. I autographed my dildo and took pictures with anyone who bought one or could show me the membership confirmation. It was insane.”
I gawked at him. “How did I not know you had your own dildo?”
Lucas’ frown answered my question. Oh, yeah. I’d shut that topic down.
“Tommy hasn’t shown you his toy collection? It’s amazing. One of the most popular lines at Playland in years. You should hook your boy up, Tommy.”
Lucas patted my thigh. “Don’t worry. You get the real thing whenever you want it.”
Robert smiled, and I tried to return the sentiment, but my stomach flipped-flopped and my anxiety over the situation started to give me a headache. “Is that all you needed, Tommy?”
Lucas nodded and stared at me for a beat. “Thanks so much for your time, Robert. I’m gonna go. Sounds like Case will need you soon anyway.”
“Sorry about that. I know you asked to bring Kyle in on a day we weren’t filming, but Sam lives in Missouri. His flight got delayed by that big storm that blew through the Midwest yesterday.”
“No worries. Hey, do you know if Sam and Evan…”
“Who knows. I can’t keep up, but they were all over each other last night at dinner, so I’d say they’re fucking.”
Lucas laughed, “Thought so. Thanks again, Robert.”
Lucas ground his teeth on our way back to his apartment. The music played low enough to tune it out, and I avoided my thoughts by filling in the details of the notes I’d managed to take during our discussion.
I startled when Lucas finally broke the silence. “Did we get everything we need?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “I think you’re right about the marketing plan. It should be model-focused, not site-focused.”
“Yeah, Robert gave us some great stats to use in our project. What are the chances we finish early?”
“What’s the hurry? The deadline is weeks out.”
“I know. I thought we could get done early. Nothing wrong with that, right?”
I shrugged. “I work full-time,” I reminded Lucas. He sent a pained expression my way and that’s when it dawned on me that he worked too. “What’s the real reason?
“I’m committed to a full-length project this August. It’s six parts, and they’ll start filming before the end of the semester. Sebastian decided to retire, and Case wants me to film his part, which is more extensive than the one he originally cast me in.”
My stomach cramped, but I forced a smile. “That’s good, right? The part, I mean.”
Lucas nodded. “Yeah, it’s a lot more money and I get to travel.”
“Travel…” I gulped. “Where?”
“We’re filming B-roll, and the first three parts are in Vegas,” he replied. “I’ll miss the last week of class. If Dr. Mandell will let us turn it in early, I thought you might want to come with me. I’ll be there for a week, but I only work two of those days.”
“Okay, well I guess we’ll get it done early then.”
“Kyle, are you mad?”
“No,” I answered, and to my surprise, I wasn’t.
“Do you want to go?”
I glanced at him. I did like the idea of taking a trip with him. I’d been to Vegas with Matt. Beyond the debauchery and drunken assholes, Vegas had a romantic side. It’d be too hot at Red Rock but hiking in Mt. Charleston could be lovely. Plus, the Bellagio fountains, maybe a spa day… I loved the spa at the Palazzo. But the trip wasn’t a romantic getaway, it was a business trip. And Lucas’ business involved sticking his dick in other men, which would upend all romantic notions. “Next time,” I said. His face fell, so I added, “We can plan a long weekend when you don’t have to work.”
He smiled, but his eyes didn’t leave the road again until he’d parked his car.
The project was a beast. It was twenty to thirty pages long, including five years of projected income for our business and five years for our competitor, which was what we’d needed the Goldenboys’ data for and an eight-part marketing strategy. Since we’d electively shaved off days at the end of our timeline, Lucas and I didn’t have time to talk about anything other than marketing porn. We tried to work together, but things between Lucas and me felt off, and it wasn’t possible to ignore the change when the cause of it was the focus of our evening. Ultimately, we agreed we needed a divide and conquer approach anyway. We decided to do our respective parts alone. Since Lucas was a million times more passionate about the plan than I was, he assigned me to most of the data-gathering and took on the creative pieces himself. We drafted our plan via the computer, speaking about it only when necessary.
My heart was heavy every time he’d send me a draft. His work spoke volumes. He loved the industry, practically idolized his bosses’ success and his plan read like a love letter to the sexual revolution. I spent nights on my couch, staring at my laptop, missing him and alternating between berating myself for my hang-ups and rationalizing my feelings. What was my problem? Was it jealousy? Was it insecurity? Or did I have a real issue with gay sex? I never thought of myself as having any internalized homophobia. The first time I’d had sex, I had wanted to bottom. There had been nerves for sure, but no shame. It was the same with my friends. I’d never had an issue with effeminate gays, drag or anything queer. I just liked monogamy. I wanted someone to myself and there was nothing wrong with that.
Was there?
Chapter Ten
The night Lucas departed for his business trip, I had dinner with Kayla, who made no secret of her thoughts about my constant phone checking. I ignored her heavy sigh and glanced at Lucas’ latest text, confirming he’d submitted our final project.
“Thank God that class is over,” I muttered. Although, technically, there was one more class left, I had no intention of going now that the project had been turned in. “The only thing I learned was that I absolutely do not want to take another business marketing class as long as I live. If it weren’t for Lucas caring about his grade and needing the class for his major, I would have procrastinated the shit out of it and done the literal bare minimum.”
“So, what you’re saying is you put a ton of effort into a project you care nothing about.”
“Exactly.”
“Because you’re in love with a por
n star.”
I peered up from my carbonara and met her blue eyes. Damn, she knew me too well. “Exactly.”
She shook her head in mock disapproval. “I should have known you’d fuck up a summer fling.”
I started to object, but she stopped me, filled up our wine glasses and sighed. “Tell me all about it.”
So, I did. I laid my soul bare, and after two bottles of wine, confessed my reservations, which she shot down one by one. Even I started to wonder why we couldn’t make it work. “I’m not kinky enough in bed for him. He’ll get bored with me.”
She laughed so hard that she snorted wine through her nose, and the results made me smile, despite my humiliation. Kayla composed herself and did her best to take me seriously. “Kyle, I’m sure you’re not bad at sex. Just a little conservative on the adventurous scale.”
“But why? Why am I not adventurous?”
“Because you care what people think too much. It’s hard to let go when you’re worried about being embarrassed,” Kayla answered frankly, then paused as though selecting her next words carefully. “Kyle, can I tell you something? It might hurt your feelings, but I think you need to hear this.”
I took a sip of my wine and nodded my permission. I needed to hear the truth like only Kayla could say it.
“Judd Fisher didn’t want the threesome. I did.”
“What?” I gasped.
She twisted her face in regret. “I don’t anymore, but after you and Judd dated, he and I went out that one time and he was outstanding in bed. I mean, I came like four times. Then we put two and two together and figured out he’d gone out with you too. When I confronted him, he sort of insinuated that he liked you, but you weren’t sexually compatible and he didn’t plan to keep seeing you. At first, I suggested it to prove him wrong, but the way you reacted to the suggestion? I kind of got his point. You have every right to say girls aren’t your thing or that it’d have been too weird cause it was me, but it was almost like you were afraid to try something new. I don’t know… Maybe Lucas is just too different from you. Maybe you need someone more your speed.”
“He’s literally everything I want in a partner. He’s thoughtful and funny. I want to try new things, but then I get all in my head and worry I’ll look like an idiot or worse, that Lucas will figure out I’m too boring or vanilla or whatever. He won’t even let me get too drunk. I swear Lucas knows like every position in the Kama Sutra. And it’s not just sex. Last week we ate at Tony’s. I ordered the daily special—some risotto dish because he insisted I would love it—but the whole time, I kept thinking I should have been safe and ordered the rigatoni. Why would I do that? Why am I like this?”
Kayla gasped. “You didn’t go to Tony’s and not get the rigatoni? Fifteen years and you’ve never ordered anything else. I don’t believe it.”
I fished the receipt out of my wallet and thrust it at her. “I did. Lucas encourages me to have an open mind about everything and everyone. We rearranged the bedroom. Now my bed is angled in the corner so he can watch me take a shower in the morning. He helped me create a Pinterest board so I could start planning for my lake house. I research ideas for island-based cooktops with splash guards for an hour because you have no idea how much he loves to cook, even though he makes a huge mess. I want to be able to try everything he wants—even a threesome with a woman, although I can’t imagine him asking for that.”
She reviewed my receipt and her jaw slacked. “Kyle—” she began with cheerless caution.
“I want him, Kayla. Like down to my toes, I want him. But every time I think about his Vegas trip, I want to throw up.”
She frowned. “Have you asked Lucas to stop?”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because he loves it. I don’t think it’s the sex so much, but the adoration. He’s an expert at social media. His fans shower him with attention. The other day he accidentally tweeted just ‘The’ and got over three hundred comments and likes. He talked on and on about his fans being the best in the industry. I can’t ask him to give that up for me. Even if I did…” I sighed and took a sip of my wine for courage but couldn’t quite find the words. I didn’t think he’d pick me. Why would Lucas settle for a guy like me when he can have anyone he wants?
“It sounds like you know what you need to do, but you just don’t want to do it. Unless you think he’d offer to stop.”
“That would be my dream scenario, but he won’t—at least not anytime soon. The project we did? The entire thing revolved around how he wants to stay in the business after he’s done filming. He isn’t doing porn for a side job. It’s what he wants to do for his career. Trust me. He’s all in. I think it’s bigger than sex for him. I’m not sure why.”
“Okay, so you need to get out, Kyle, before you fall deeper. It’s only been a few months.”
“I can’t. I’ve tried. After our visit to the studio, I thought up a million conversations, but I couldn’t bring myself to initiate any of them. I spent years with Matt and never felt anything close to the way I feel toward Lucas.”
“It’s so early, Kyle. Has he even met your family? Or anyone you’re close to? Have you met his friends? You’ve been in a bubble. Anyone can have titanium-strength rose-colored glasses with a good sex haze. You need to see if Lucas’ shine holds up when you’re living the life you’ve lived for forty years. If not one thing changed about him, would he still be the perfect guy? Because, if not, then you’re setting yourself up for failure. I must tell you that I’ve always pictured you with an older man—someone distinguished, reserved. I’m having trouble picturing Lucas as the forever guy. I’m sure dating a young, hot guy is exhilarating and awesome for the ego—”
“You make it sound like I’m having a midlife crisis.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say that, but at Patrick’s engagement brunch, you were pretty sad. I’m just suggesting that before you decide, you should see Lucas in your real life. Maybe the decision will be clearer. But you’re right. If porn is Lucas’ ambition, then you have a decision to make. Either you accept it or you cut your losses.”
“Should I ask him to go to San Diego to meet my parents? They’re back from their cruise around the time Lucas gets home from Vegas. Or, I know, let’s have a party.”
Kayla cringed. “Oh, sure. You could—”
“An engagement party for Tracey and Patrick.” The idea was kind of perfect. Tracey and Kayla were college roommates, and Patrick had introduced me to Matt. As a new couple, my friends frequently hung out with Matt, Patrick and their friends, and our circles sort of merged. There were surprisingly very few close friends of mine who wouldn’t be invited to such a party. Unfortunately, it also meant I’d need to invite Matt. “Will you help plan it? I’ll host and cover the expenses.”
“Um. Are you sure you—?”
“It’s perfect.”
Kayla sighed. “Okay, let me talk to them and nail down a good date.”
* * * *
Perfect is the enemy of good.
Kayla may have talked in circles when it came to my relationship with Lucas, but those were the words that had become my mantra. No doubt what Lucas and I had was good. I’d even go so far as to say great. I missed him like crazy, and he occupied nearly my every thought from the moment I woke up to the minute I went to sleep. Lucas and I needed to stop segregating our relationship from our real lives. I either loved and accepted Lucas as he was or I needed to let him go. Based on how much of a mopey bastard I’d been without him that week, the latter wasn’t going to happen.
I decided to pick Lucas up from the airport and move forward with a real relationship test drive. No more denial. I couldn’t just pick the parts of Lucas I loved and ignore the rest. I needed to see everything, without filters, rules and a highly controlled environment. With a deep sigh, I stashed my rose-colored glasses on the bedside table and created a Twitter account.
Tommy Bruiser’s Twitter feed was more like Lucas than I expected—a lot of funny videos
, memes and random pictures of him, some I remembered seeing, others I didn’t. I paused at a video of him jacking off and recognized his Vegas hotel room. Knowing he shared something publicly when I thought he made it for me felt—well, not great. Renewed doubts surfaced…a lot of renewed doubts, not about Lucas, but about my ability to deal with his job. I thought the video proved he’d been thinking of me. It was one of the few things that I’d held on to during his trip that kept me sane. But maybe he just needed to get off? Maybe he hadn’t been thinking of me at all?
With a sigh, I scrolled through our text exchange from his trip. The video had come with a message. I miss you so much. I closed my eyes and played it again with the volume turned all the way up. I focused on his labored breaths, his slight gasp while he fingered himself, the rough squelch of his lube-covered fingers. When he came, I smiled. He mumbled it, but there—on his final breath before he released— my name was on his lips.
Reassured, I persisted in my exploration. Next came Tommy’s Instagram account and YouTube channel. I tried to check out something called Snapchat, but that shit confused the hell out of me. I might have accidentally sent twenty pictures of my thumb to who knows where.
By the time I needed to leave for the airport, I’d managed a thorough submersion into the world of Tommy Bruiser. Call it an animalistic instinct or deep insecurity, but the drive to mark my territory overwhelmed me. If I had to share a piece of Lucas with over two hundred thousand thirsty horndogs, then I at least wanted those horndogs to know Tommy Bruiser belonged to me.
A dozen perfect red roses in hand, I arrived at the airport. I paced in a small area outside the security checkpoint, itching to feel him in my arms. Big public displays weren’t typically part of my repertoire. I smiled awkwardly as a strange woman demanded to know all about the ‘lucky girl’ I waited for. A year ago, I’d have fled to the parking lot, but something about Lucas made me wish I’d thought to make a sign, too. I wanted him to know I was all in, that I could do it—that I would do it, for him. I would let go of my inhibitions and all my insecurities and just be happy. Because, even a week apart had felt like I’d been missing something as vital to my existence as an organ.
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