“I didn’t want her to go. In fact, I begged her not to.”
“Why?” He swung by another few times, and I finally stood to get a better peek at his face. His cheeks were red from the wind, but he didn’t look right. “Lucas, stop.” I reached out to grab the chain and the swing jerked to a stop.
Lucas put his feet down and focused on the ground while digging a circle into the dirt with his shoe. I put a hand on his back to comfort him. He trembled under my touch. “It’s hard to explain.”
“Try me.”
Finally, he met my eyes. “You don’t know what it’s like to not know a single soul you are biologically related to. My mom told me her hysterectomy was traumatic because it meant she’d never have biological children either. When I came out, she worried I’d give up on having kids someday. My mom and I used to talk about that a lot.”
“So, if she meets her family—”
“Then I’ll be the only one who doesn’t have a biological relative.”
“Oh, Lucas. I wish I could do something to take that feeling away from you. I can promise it won’t change how they feel about you and tell you I’m here for you. Besides, who’s to say you won’t have your own kids someday?”
He gazed at me and smiled—a weak attempt at one anyway. “Someday is a long way off and it’s not the same. My mom always said we had a special bond because we knew what it felt like to not know where you came from.”
“Did you ever try to find your biological family?”
“My parents are enough for me. Besides, they’d never be as cool as my parents are. I’d just be disappointed.” Lucas’ brilliant eyes were red and blotchy, as though straining to hold back tears. A part of Lucas fell into place, a big part. The porn career, his fans… Maybe they all filled some missing piece for him. And I began to hope that, with time, perhaps I could fill it instead. Three years? The timing of his mother’s discovery coincided with his time at Goldenboys. That couldn’t be a coincidence. I wondered if it had started as a rebellion or a way to punish them. Or perhaps something less dramatic—a test to make sure they’d love him no matter what he did.
“Just because your mom wants to meet her family doesn’t mean you’re not enough for her.”
“I know that.”
“So, what is it then? Tell me.”
“What if she moves there?”
“You think they would pick up and move to Vietnam? I just met them, but I don’t see that happening. Even if they did stay for a while, you’re an adult. You live on your own, take care of yourself now. It’s not like you wouldn’t see them again.”
“You don’t understand. What if she loves them?”
I interpreted his question to mean what if she loved them more than him. “I do, Lucas, more than you think. They were all you have, and I’m sure it’s normal to be a little threatened by this, but your parents clearly adore you.”
“I hate the thought of her meeting them. Literally, hate it. I’m a horrible person.”
“Of course, you’re not. What if you went with them?”
“No way,” Lucas declared, and I knew without asking his parents had already made that suggestion, probably more than once.
“Come here.” I tugged his sleeve until he stood, wrapped him in my arms and ran my fingers through his sweaty hair. “Love you.” I kissed his forehead. He smiled at me, a little brighter than before. “You won’t be alone, babe. I promise.”
Lucas ran his hands under my shirt and tucked them into the waistband of my shorts. My heartbeat sped up with his warm touch. “Kyle, I need you. If not here, can we find someplace to get naked?”
I pulled back to search his face. His lower lip was tucked between his teeth, and he no longer appeared sad at all. Had Lucas always used sex to avoid his feelings? Was that part of his exhibitionism? A way to prove to people he wasn’t unwanted? I wasn’t sure, but I was more concerned about what was going on in his head than in his pants. “We should get home soon. The party is in a few hours, and we both need to change.”
“We have time.”
I checked my watch. “Probably, but are you sure…?” I peered around, and he grabbed my arm. He led me to a corner of the building and pushed my back against the wall. “What are you—?”
The words were cut off by his tongue shoved down my throat. He moved his mouth strong and aggressive over mine, and the brick wall scraped against my back. Before I knew it, his hand was massaging over my cock, attempting to coax it to life.
“Lucas…” I whined.
“I’m going to suck your cock right here,” Lucas whispered in my ear. He rocked back, his face issuing a challenge. I glanced around at the empty playground. A flood of ‘what ifs’ successfully dulled my enjoyment of his ministrations.
Lucas flashed his arousal, but undeterred, winked and sank to his knees. “C’mon, please.”
Everything in me screamed that it was wrong. It was the wrong place, the wrong time. We’d just been talking about his mother. He was in a weird headspace. It all seemed so damn inappropriate. But I wanted him. I wanted his mouth on me and I just once wanted to be the guy who hadn’t left the library cubical, who didn’t worry beyond the moment. He flicked his crystal-blue eyes, filled with desire, up to me and lifted his hand to rest over mine, which had tightened over my belt buckle. It was there, through his blond lashes, that I found permission to let go.
Chapter Twelve
Lucas was quiet on the drive back. Too quiet. And he’d made it clear he didn’t want to talk about it. The lack of knowing was eating at me.
While Lucas dressed for the party, I wore a path between the couch and the kitchen. Lucas was an exposed nerve, and I was about to douse him with ice cold water in the form of all my friends and an ex-boyfriend. The engagement party was going to be a minefield, but any suggestion that he sit it out would have been taken wrongly. Before I could decide how to approach the situation, Lucas appeared and short-circuited my brain again.
He’d styled his natural messy blond hair with product that tamed his waves into purposeful golden curls. He wore charcoal fitted slacks and a light pink button-down shirt and a black bowtie. His extensive collection of Vans had been replaced with a pair of classic black leather dress shoes. He’d accessorized with a pink-faced silver watch, square silver cufflinks and a matching tie tack. Despite being twenty-three, Lucas could pass for a teenager in his standard attire. Tonight, he could have walked off the cover of GQ. I was in awe of him. “You look incredible, babe.”
“Yeah, I clean up pretty good, don’t I?” He did a little turn for me.
“You do.” I eyed the shorts and T-shirt I’d worn to his parents’. “Guess we’d better get home so I can change too.”
* * * *
As expected, Kayla had already finished setting up and gone home to change. I left Lucas watching television alone and re-emerged to appreciative whistles from both Kayla and Lucas. I didn’t have time to fret about the first meeting of my best friend and boyfriend. As much as I talked about them to each other, neither should’ve needed an introduction.
Less than twenty minutes later, my house overflowed with people.
When Matt arrived, I sipped my bourbon and Coke and continued speaking to Patrick as though I hadn’t noticed. Even though I had no residual feelings toward the man, his presence put me on edge. Kayla would accuse me of being angry about the way things had ended, but that wasn’t it. Although Matt could have waited for the bedsheets to cool a little before dating again, he did at least wait until we’d agreed to end things. It gave me a smidge of satisfaction to know rebound-man hadn’t lasted longer than a few weeks.
“Hey, Matt.” Patrick stood and hugged my ex warmly. “Good to see you, man. Thanks for coming.”
“Anything for you. Congrats on the engagement.” Matt scanned the room like he was prone to do. His gaze paused momentarily at Lucas, who was across the room refreshing his drink, before swinging back toward me. “Hey, Kyle. Good to see you.”
I off
ered my hand, which he used to tug me into a friendly hug. I didn’t think anything of it—Matt had always been a hugger—but Lucas appeared out of nowhere and cleared his throat, prompting Matt to make room for him.
“Hey, baby,” I greeted him with a kiss on his cheek and smiled at Matt slightly more smug than I ought to. “Babe, this is Matt. Matt and Patrick used to work together. Matt, this is my boyfriend, Lucas Cass.”
Lucas offered his hand, which even though he was clearly befuddled, Matt shook. Lucas slipped his hand away from Matt’s grasp and, smiling, used it to stir his drink before taking a slow sip.
I didn’t know if people expected a scene, but our little group doubled in size following the introduction. Matt was more reserved than usual, but he stayed put and engaged with Lucas and me occasionally as part of the group, like I had with many dates he’d brought to group functions. I took a seat on the arm of the sofa, and Lucas seized the opportunity to lean against my lap. The conversation continued, and I joked with my friends while Lucas touched me at will. All that desensitization training must have paid off because I barely noticed his slow caress of my knee and thigh until my pants grew tighter. I alone seemed to notice Matt’s agitation. He had a good poker face, but I knew his tells.
Patrick and Tracey excused themselves to circulate, and the group dispersed. Kayla did an admirable job of keeping the crowd mingling and refilling glasses, while I mostly kept an eye on Lucas, who had relocated to his own seat when a spot opened. The remaining group drank and ate, and the conversation remained lively. Lucas sought stories about me from my friends and charmed them with stories of his own. He was affectionate and attentive as usual, and no one in the room would have doubted we were a happy couple. I hadn’t remembered how much that feeling meant to me.
“Are you Kyle?” a voice asked from behind me. I turned and greeted a guest, a somewhat effeminate black man I didn’t recognize.
“I am. Nice to meet you, um…”
“I’m Simon, Tracey’s cousin. Kayla pointed you out. I just wanted to say I love your house. I’m an interior designer, and you have a great eye.”
“Hi, Simon. I’m Lucas, Kyle’s boyfriend.” Lucas thrust out his hand. I choked on my bourbon. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who needed to mark my territory.
Simon smiled at us, equally as amused, and took a small step back to give Lucas room to attach himself to my side. I laughed at Lucas and shook my head. He had no reason to worry. Lucas relaxed, and I could appreciate the moment he realized he’d needed to chill out. “Simon, did you notice the floating mantel on the fireplace? Kyle installed the steel supports himself because the stone is extremely heavy. Isn’t it gorgeous? Let me show you around. Kyle needs to relieve Kayla of her hostess duties anyway.”
“Oh, I’d love a tour. Thank you.” Lucas ushered Simon off, and I could hear him tell the story of the eccentric woman who’d sold me the stone.
I watched Lucas until he disappeared into the other room. When I glanced up, Matt stood in front of me. “What gives, Kyle?”
“Huh?”
“That kid. Are you seriously dating him?”
“Don’t be rude. Yes, Lucas and I are dating. Did you miss the part where I introduced you to him?”
“Where did you meet him? Grindr?”
I rolled my eyes. “When have I ever hooked up with an app, Matt? C’mon. We met at school.”
“You’re lying. I know who he is, Kyle. Half the men here know who he is and the other half are straight.”
I should have been prepared for it, but I wasn’t. How famous is Tommy, anyway? “I told you his name, so I imagine you should know who he is.”
“Don’t be cute, Kyle. Is this some sort of financial arrangement? Are you trying to make me jealous? Do you know what people are saying about you right now?”
I couldn’t believe it. Matt diminishing Lucas as a Grindr hookup was terrible enough, but to suggest Lucas was an escort rose my blood pressure enough that I swore I could feel it pump through my body and hear it whoosh between my ears. Good God, was he always so full of himself?
I clenched my fist around his biceps, dragged him to the extra bedroom and shut the door. “He’s not a hooker, Matt. He’s my boyfriend. Are you trying to ruin our perfect record of civility in public? ’Cause, if so, by all means, keep it up.”
He kept it up.
The whole story makes me sound like a total Neanderthal, so I’ll summarize and say he absolutely shoved me first.
My right fist connected with bone seconds before Kayla grabbed my shoulder and yanked me backward, causing my left fist to meet dead air. “What the hell are you doing? Matt, go see if Tracey and Patrick need anything,” Kayla barked, her nails buried deeply into my skin.
Still shaken and holding his jaw, Matt obeyed. He knew Kayla well enough not to argue. Before I knew it, I was in my backyard being publicly scolded.
“What the ever-loving fuck, Kyle? Who are you?” Kayla seethed. “I don’t know what is happening with you, but clearly this thing with Lucas has to end.”
“But, Matt—” I objected.
“Matt what? He hit you first? He started the same crap he always does. So what? You hit someone, Kyle. This. Is. Not. You. Do you hear me? I know you think you love that kid, but he’s a kid, Kyle. You’re not. You’re a forty-year-old man, and I’m worried about you.
“You spent the entire evening babysitting Lucas when you should have been helping me. Sure, he’s hot, but c’mon. You can’t tell me it didn’t embarrass you to have him sit on your lap and paw at you like he’s a puppy in front of your friends. Then to top it off, you start a fight at my brother’s engagement party? I know Lucas’ dick probably rocked your world, but my God, you see my point, right? This is why I threw the party with you, so you would see Lucas doesn’t belong, so you would know it’s time to end it. I can’t deal with you like this anymore. Just cut it off already. This insanity has to end.”
My mind spun from Kayla’s verbal assault, and my chest clenched painfully as I searched for the words to defend myself. I loved Kayla, but she was…just wrong. Or jealous or something. We’d had plenty of disagreements before. I’d even stopped speaking to her for a day or two, but in all our years of friendship, she’d never intentionally hurt me.
I never thought in a million years when I found ‘the one’ she’d make me choose between him and our friendship, and I never thought it’d be such an obvious decision. I closed my eyes to blink back tears. Flashes of our friendship ran through my head. Surely she would see how impossible she was being. I opened my eyes to tell her that it didn’t matter if Lucas fit in with our friends, he fit with me, and she needed to back off, but when I opened my mouth to speak, the screen door slammed shut and a blond ran in the opposite direction.
“Lucas,” I cried and took off after him, my heart threatening to pound through my chest. A crowd formed at the back door, so I detoured to the side gate instead to save time.
“Kyle, just let him go.”
Kayla’s voice didn’t slow me down. If I couldn’t make it right with Lucas, I would never forgive her. And, for once, I meant it.
I met up with Lucas on the front porch. His face was wet. Instinctively, I reached for him.
“Don’t,” he said, jerking his arm away and taking my heart along with it. He wiped his face with the back of his sleeve and sniffled. “I forgot I don’t have my car. Go inside so I can wait for my Uber alone. I think we’ve made enough of a scene for one night.”
“Lucas,” I pleaded, “let me explain.”
“Explain? Explain what, Kyle? You and Matt weren’t exactly quiet. I heard everything. Everybody heard everything. Your friends think I’m a rentboy. So what? You think I haven’t been offered money by fans? That people don’t see a stripper or a porn star and think all sex work is the same? It happens all the time. And I couldn’t care less, but can you honestly tell me that it doesn’t matter to you? That the party wasn’t some big test in your mind to see if I’m worth lowering
your high standards?”
“Matt’s an asshole.”
“Oh, and that is why you hit him?”
I recoiled. The last comment Matt had sent me into a blind rage and my juvenile response… “Lucas…” I pleaded for mercy.
Lucas rolled his eyes. “He threatened to tell everyone my dirty little secret. You didn’t really answer Matt’s question, though. How excited will you be to finally spend the holidays with your boyfriend? I mean, with your whore? Guess you’re really slumming it with me, huh?”
“Lucas, stop. Matt knows how to push my buttons. We had an ongoing feud over the holidays. It has nothing to do with you.”
“Oh, so you’re cool with your parents and everyone in there knowing that you’re dating a guy who fucks on camera for money?”
His volume was loud enough that I was pretty sure my neighbors three streets over knew. I couldn’t help but shush him.
Lucas sneered. “You’re ashamed of that, aren’t you? And therefore, you’re ashamed of me. And that’s why you hit him. The thing that kills me, Kyle, is that I never asked you to do this. I would have dodged any questions, but someone asked if I was Tommy and you told me it didn’t matter to you. Why not say you weren’t ready? I was fine with that plan. I’d much rather have lied about my job than have everyone in your life know you’re embarrassed by me.”
“It does bother me, Lucas. I told you from the beginning it bothered me. I also told you I’m working on it. I just don’t want anyone thinking I’m not enough for you. I didn’t think.”
Lucas wiped his eyes again to hide his tears. I would have set myself on fire if I could have taken away the pain I’d caused. I tried again to touch him, but he ripped his arm away. “Everything you said about being proud to be with me… Why didn’t you tell me Matt was some fancy lawyer? I bet you were never embarrassed to bring him home to meet your parents.”
“God! Lucas, please stop. Matt doesn’t mean anything to me. I love you. And I’m sorry I reacted poorly to Matt’s threat. I couldn’t listen to him say horrible things about you.”
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