by Sam Crescent
Jennifer stared at the caricature of them with three screaming kids. She’d seen the picture and chuckled at the artist’s humour. Patrick had clearly seen something else inside the picture.
She tugged on her hand to try to free herself.
“No, please, listen. I need to say this to you, Jennifer.”
Jennifer licked her lips and opened her eyes. She looked at him and saw the hurt in his eyes and the pain. They were emotions she never expected to see on his handsome face. He looked older than his thirty-two years. She felt older than her twenty-six years. She felt old and alone.
“Until you came along in my library every girl I’d taken to bed had been a no-one. I couldn’t remember their name or where I’d found them. When I woke up the following morning, I still remembered you, Jennifer. I remembered your name and the colour of your hair. I remembered how you felt beneath me and in my arms. I didn’t go looking for you because I didn’t know where to start. When I saw that picture of you in the newspaper over that vomiting incident, my world changed. I thought you might be pregnant, and I prayed I was the father.”
Jennifer shook her head. “None of your words are making sense.”
“Please, let me finish. It will make sense when I’m done. At least I hope it will make sense.”
She nodded and let him continue. The scent of the food called to her. She picked up a chilli cheese fry and popped it into her mouth. It tasted good, but she stopped herself from reaching for another as her nerves were totally fried.
“Then I found out I was the father and you hadn’t been with another man except me. I thought it was the best thing I’d heard all day. Our parents were the worst. They were the ones rushing us, and they were rushing us for all the wrong reasons.”
“We can’t change who our parents are,” she said.
“I know, but we can change how we are.” Patrick stroked a thumb over the pulse in her wrist. “You’re so delicate. I don’t like you this thin. It’s dangerous.”
“I don’t feel like eating.” She sat back enjoying the attention he gave her.
“I miss you, Jennifer. Life is not the same without you. I fucked up, and I thought the life my friends had was the life I wanted for myself. I was wrong.”
“What did you think when Linda broke the news?” she asked. Gazing down at her stomach she counted to ten in an attempt to clear her mind. The thought of that day was enough to set her off.
“Part of me died that day. I hated myself, and I still hate myself. I never should have thrown that stupid party and left you. I’ll never forgive myself.”
She shook her head. The lump in her throat made it hard for her to breathe. “Is that it? Out of everything you can say, you’re going to make it all about you?” Jennifer didn’t know what to expect from him.
“I love you, Jennifer,” he said.
Getting to her feet she walked away. The pain and heartache gave her renewed strength to stay away from him. Patrick would constantly break her heart. She needed to avoid him no matter what it cost her.
“Jennifer, don’t run away.”
She heard him follow behind her.
“We need to talk about this,” he said.
“You’ve done all the talking. I don’t need to hear anymore.”
“For God’s sake, stop!”
Jennifer stopped and turned on him. “What did you expect? Say a few nice words and say you love me and everything will go away?” She gazed around her hating the audience they were getting. “Life, reality, does not work that way. I don’t work that way. You hurt me, and that I can’t forgive easy.” Even as she said the words all Jennifer wanted to do was go to him. She wanted him to open his arms for her. Her needs were stupid. She couldn’t bring herself to give in that easily.
“I’m trying.”
She stared at him moving her head from side to side. “It’s not enough.”
“We lost a baby. I feel that pain, too.”
“I feel it every day, Patrick. Telling me that you love me is not going to change what happened. We were never supposed to be together. We may walk in the same circles, but other than that, we’re different.”
Jennifer turned away as the first wave of tears started to spill.
“I’m not going away, Jennifer. I’m here for the duration. I love you, and I’m going to prove it to you.”
She heard his words but chose to ignore them. She finished her shift at the coffee shop and then walked home. Her nerves were shot, and she didn’t want to confront her friend. Linda must have been the person to contact him. She knew she never would.
You love him, Jennifer.
Ignoring the words in her head was not doing her any good. She made her way down to the beach. The sun was setting, and the light shone along the ocean making it glisten.
She felt him standing behind her.
“Are you following me?” she asked.
“I’m taking care of you, Jennifer. Anyway I can, I’ll do it.”
She shrugged and moved away. There was no stopping him from being close to her. All she needed to do was close off her heart and remember what he’d done to her. The pain of that night rushed through her leaving her breathless.
Linda was sitting at the counter when Jennifer let herself in later that night. Her friend looked concerned as she dropped her keys in front of her.
“How was your day at work?” Linda asked.
“Why did you call him?” Jennifer got straight to the point. There was no use in hiding away from what her friend clearly wanted her to see.
“He lost a baby, too, Jen. Patrick had a right to know what was happening to you.” Linda stood up. She watched as the other woman placed her cup in the sink.
“He has no right, Linda. You didn’t have the right to call him. I’ve been doing fine on my own.”
She stopped speaking when Linda burst out laughing. “You are doing fine? Are you fucking kidding me?” Linda folded her arms over her chest. Jennifer watched as she leaned up against the sink. “You call that fine?” She put her hand out and raised it up and down.
Jennifer folded her own arms. She knew she’d lost a lot of weight. Eating held little to no appeal to her. “This is none of your business.”
“We’re the best of friends, Jen. I love you like my own sister. You’re going to make yourself sick if you continue on the way you are.”
Staring across the room Jennifer looked at her friend. She hadn’t listened to what Linda had to say in a long time. The last few months had gone by so fast. It had been easier to push the pain aside and deal with everything else. When she thought about what had happened it hurt too damn much. She’d lost too much and refused to let more pain rule her.
“You shouldn’t have called him.”
“When it comes to you I’ll do whatever I think is right.”
She looked at her friend and then walked away. Jennifer went to her room. She took a long shower before climbing into bed.
Her thoughts returned to Patrick. He was the only man she’d ever cared about. When she’d lost the baby she’d known in her heart that she’d lost him as well.
****
Patrick stood outside the kitchen and listened to them argue. They were the best of friends, yet they argued like they hadn’t known each other long. When Jennifer walked up the stairs he let himself in quietly.
“You can’t stay here,” Linda said. “I thought seeing you would wake her up or something. She looks like hell.”
“She’s been through hell. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be at the coffee shop every day. I’m not walking away from this one.”
Linda nodded staring at the spot where Jennifer had stood. “She loves you, you know?”
“I ruined the love she felt for me.”
“No, you didn’t. Love like that never goes away. She’s hurting, Patrick. Don’t let her win this fight.”
She gave him a sad look before disappearing. He let himself out, locked the door, and found a motel to spend the night. Jenni
fer’s parents had given him their blessing to try to win her back. His friends were now part of his past. He intended to make his life work to suit his and Jennifer’s needs.
He stared down at the picture he kept of her. They’d been on a vacation to Italy, and the shot was taken outside their villa. She wore a pastel pink sundress with her hair around her shoulder in curls.
For the last few weeks the photo of her had been all he had. The scent of her had long since gone from his house. He couldn’t even bear to sleep in the bed without her.
He’d cleaned the house up that night and seen the sheets. The evidence of what he’d lost that night.
Patrick closed his eyes and refused to let the tears fall. He’d spent many hours crying and grieving for what he could have had.
Closing the case he was more determined than ever to win her back.
The following morning he sat at the same table he’d sat in the previous day. When Jennifer saw him she hesitated before serving him.
“What can I get you?” she asked.
“Whatever you won’t spit in, Jennifer.”
She glared at him. “I wouldn’t be so crude.”
“It was a joke. Black coffee and sweet would be a great start.” He watched her walk away. The curves of her ass swayed from side to side. The fullness of her ass was gone. He missed her added curves.
She put the cup of coffee on the table then made to move away.
“May I have a breakfast muffin as well? I’m hungry.”
Again she left his table and then brought him a muffin.
For the remainder of the morning Patrick watched her working. At the start of her shift she was nervous, and he put it down to his presence. The day progressed. He ordered coffee and then some lunch. Patrick left his table to go to the bathroom. He left his coat to let others know his table was taken.
He noticed she didn’t stop for lunch. Jennifer was working herself to death. He saw it clearly the next day and the day after that. She nibbled a pastry on the way home, stopped off at the beach, and she ate nothing at home. She was surviving on the smallest amount of food.
By the third day she finally joined him at his table.
Chapter Twelve
Jennifer had tried to ignore him at every possible turn. He followed her home and watched her while she walked the beach. She wanted to hate him for his overprotectiveness, yet she found his presence soothing.
Last night she’d gazed in the mirror and saw a person she didn’t like. Her body was no longer her own. She’d never thought there would come a point where she wished she wasn’t thin. The body she now possessed wasn’t right.
Linda had talked to her, and they’d made up.
Patrick put his paper away. He’d been reading the same paper, on the same page, for the last three days.
“That must be an interesting article,” she said.
He frowned.
“You’ve not changed a page since you started sitting here. If you’re stuck on a word I could help you.”
He burst out laughing. The sound sent pleasurable goose-bumps up and down her arms. The sensation startled her.
“You and I both know I wasn’t reading the paper.”
“No, you were watching me.”
She sipped her milkshake with a straw. Her lunch consisted of a cheese and pickle sandwich and a chocolate milkshake.
“This is new,” he said, gesturing at the meal.
Heat filled her cheeks as his words registered.
“I haven’t been eating properly.”
“I noticed. Your curves have faded. I’ve been sitting here wondering when you’d start eating.”
She sucked on her milkshake and finally looked up into his green eyes.
“I didn’t deal well with what happened,” she said.
“I know. For the first couple of weeks I rarely left my home. I, erm, I assembled all the furniture you bought for the baby.”
Jennifer paused as his words connected in her brain. She watched him lift a cell phone from his pocket.
“I think it looks good. What do you think?” he asked.
She stared at the picture he showed her. The nursery looked exactly as she imagined it would.
“I was an asshole,” he said.
Words failed her. She picked up her sandwich and took a bite as he began talking again. Jennifer had known there would come a point when she’d need to start living. So much time had passed already. It was unfair of her to constantly mourn. She needed to take her mother’s advice and move on.
“Yes, you were, but I wasn’t much better.” She took a bite of her sandwich enjoying the first real taste of food she’d had in a long time.
“What?” he asked.
“We could have worked around everything. You didn’t have to be an insensitive jerk, and I could have taken things slower. I was excited about our future together, and I wanted everything to be perfect.”
He reached across the table and took hold of her hand. “We both fucked up.”
Jennifer took a bite of her sandwich as she thought about her next words to say. “I don’t want you to hate me.”
“I can’t hate you, Jennifer.”
“After I lost the baby, part of me was a little glad about it.” The tears she’d been holding back finally poured from her eyes. She wiped them away with the back of her hand. There were so many people in the shop. She’d hate for them to look at her and wonder what was wrong. Patrick tightened his hold on her hand. “I hate myself for being glad.”
“We weren’t ready. I don’t hate you. Far from it, I wasn’t joking or lying when I said I love you. I really do love you. I’d do anything for you.”
She wiped the tears and then looked at him. “Can we go somewhere else?” she asked. Jennifer needed the privacy away from prying eyes. Patrick paid the bill, and together they walked out of the coffee shop. She walked down the sea front and moved under the pier in the shade. Wrapping her fingers around the post she stared out at the ocean. The wet murky sand discoloured her shoes where she stood.
Patrick wrapped his arms around her stomach, pulling her in close against him.
“We could stay here,” he said.
“What?”
“We don’t have to return to the city. I’d be happy to spend the rest of my days here with you. You’re my everything, Jennifer.”
“How can you be so sure?”
He turned her to face him. Taking her hand he pressed her palm over his heart. “I feel it in here. The last few months have been the worst days of my life. Being away from you is torture to me.”
“We can’t just move here,” she said.
His arm banded around her waist. “Why not? You’re working in a coffee shop, and I bet your parents would disapprove of that. You already live here.”
“I’m staying with Linda in her parents’ beach house.”
“We can have our own beach house, Jennifer. Please, give us a chance again.”
“Why do you think this time will be different from last time?” she asked.
He sighed. The action made the hair on the top of her head move.
“We’re not being pressured into doing anything. This will be about us.”
She closed her eyes and rested her head against his chest.
“I’m not ready to move in with you. I’m going to stay with Linda.”
“Then we’ll date without all the other crap.”
Jennifer nodded her head. He walked her back to the coffee shop.
“I don’t want you to date me here, Patrick.”
“I’ll date you anywhere. Just give me a time and a place.”
“Linda has been talking about going back to the city. We can see each other there. I think it will be better that way. I want the beach to remain as a vacation spot. I’ve been here too long. I need to go and face the music.”
Jennifer glanced around at the beautiful ocean and the busy town streets. The longer she stayed here the easier it was for her to hide away. Staring a
t Patrick made her want to live again.
He left her at the coffee shop.
Later that night she told Linda her thoughts. Her friend had already packed to go back to the city. Taking a huge leap of faith, Jennifer packed her bags ready to leave. The guy at the coffee shop had been sad to see her go, but with the tourist season at its height there were more than enough people to take her job.
****
Patrick followed behind their car up the motorway and back to the city. He took a deep breath as his nerves started to pick up. The beach and the ocean had taken them both away from what was waiting for them at the city. In the city he’d have to battle memories as well as battling their parents.
He ran a hand over his face and watched the car in front. Jennifer kept turning around in her seat. His woman couldn’t drive to save her life. While she’d been away he’d learned everything there was to know about her.
She liked hot chocolate with a touch of mint in the winter. When summer came she loved an iced cold glass of orange juice. She hated peas and gardening. Insects scared her while dogs and cats were her weakness.
His biggest weakness was the woman travelling in front.
Jennifer had taken him by surprise. He’d never fuck up again. There was no way he’d cause her pain. He’d done his fair share of it in the short time they’d known each other.
He left them at their apartment as he drove back to his home.
Patrick called her parents to let them know she’d returned and to advise them to give her space.