Love Beyond Compare (Book 5 of Morna’s Legacy Series)

by Claire, Bethany

  “I think it can hold ye as wee as ye are. Grip it and pull yerself up quickly.”

  Being thin didn’t equate to being strong, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever done a real pull-up. Whether it was fear or adrenaline, I didn’t know, but I pulled myself up with little effort. When I was high enough to push myself up onto level ground, the large stone came loose, and I had to scramble up onto the grass to keep from falling with it.

  Shaking, I stood and turned to give Orick a triumphant smile.

  Instead, all I could see was the blood running from Orick’s brow where the rock had hit him. His eyes were already closed as he fell backwards. I screamed, but no one save Cooper could hear me, his trembling arms wrapping around my leg as we watched Orick’s unconscious body crash onto the jagged rocks near the sea.

  * * *

  “Orick! Orick!” Cooper called his name endlessly, tears streaming down his face as he trembled by my side.

  I fell to my knees and sobbed as I looked over the edge. I could no longer feel the wind or hear the sound of the waves. Only Cooper’s screams penetrated the fog of my brain. I could see nothing but the broken form of Orick’s body down below. He lay unmoving. Even from a hundred yards away, I could see the vast pool of blood that formed around him.

  From where the blood came, I didn’t know, but he needed help, needed to be carried up from the precarious ledge. Even if I could manage to make it down to him, I would be of little help. I couldn’t leave him, couldn’t let him lay out there alone, unconscious or not.

  “Cooper, you have to stop crying. Run inside as fast as you can and get all of the men—Adwen, Gregor, Callum—go now.”

  I didn’t see him leave, but I knew he was gone when I could no longer hear him calling Orick’s name.

  Amidst the sudden silence, a new noise reached my ears. For a moment, I allowed myself to hope it was Orick, awake and calling for help. It took only one terrifying moment for me to realize the real source of the noise.

  Rocks clanking together as they fell in a disastrous slide—one that within seconds, despite my screams and prayers for them to stop—covered Orick entirely.

  When the slide stopped, I sat back shaking, my tears suddenly dry as shock sank in. Whatever chance Orick had of surviving the fall were crushed with the weight of the rocks that fell upon him.

  It was Callum’s arms that lifted me from the ground, pulling me into his arms as I watched Adwen and Gregor take off down the cliffside after Orick.

  There was no point. I knew what they would find. I collapsed against Callum’s shoulder, shaking as my heart broke into a million pieces.

  “He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone.” I whispered the words on an endless loop, every part of me hoping that somehow they would not be true.

  I don’t know how long Adwen and Gregor were gone, but when they returned to us, I knew my foolish hope was for naught.

  Adwen said nothing. Such pain and horror lay in his eyes that I couldn’t bring myself to reach for him as he walked past us into the castle. Gregor came up to where Callum held me, brushing his hand up and down my arm as he spoke.

  “The rocks have pushed him from the ledge for his body is gone, though enough blood remains that I doona believe he lived when the rocks hit him.” Gregor hesitated and let loose a sob that only deepened the knife in my heart. “The ocean has claimed him now. Neither will of man nor Brighid can save him.”

  CHAPTER 42

  One Week Later

  I never experienced true grief before Orick. I realized that in the days after his death—the cold that lingers in your bones, the moments during the night when you forget and then the memories crash in on you in a way that leaves you empty and shaking, the loss of appetite, the fog that each day is covered in, the tears that never seem to run dry—those were the symptoms of grief, and it described everyone within the walls of Cagair Castle.

  Everyone save Adwen. His grief was unlike anything I’d ever seen. He couldn’t function; he stayed within his bedchamber only leaving each afternoon to walk along the cliffside. Each day I tried to join him, and each day he turned me away.

  Adwen allowed himself to care for so few people that when someone worked their way into his heart, they consumed so much of it that they owned him in a way. I didn’t think there was anyone that Adwen had ever loved as much as Orick. They were brothers, friends, confidants, and the truest form of soul mates. They had each saved the other’s life more than once and now, Adwen had lost the one person to show him unwavering loyalty, even during his most shallow of years.

  “We canna allow him to stay in there forever.”

  I leaned my head against Isobel’s shoulder as she wrapped her arm around me. We both sat on the ground outside Adwen’s bedchamber. I’d kept vigil close to him since the day after the fatal accident, but the only person he allowed inside was Callum.

  Isobel joined me each afternoon, always saying little but supporting me through her quiet strength and her gentle squeezes of my hand.

  She continued to gain strength and now, no more than a fortnight since the morning Adwen had slipped the potion into her breakfast, she was a version of Isobel I’d never seen before—whole and healthy and able to breathe without struggle.

  “He blames me. I know he does. I blame me. You should all blame me. If I hadn’t gone down there, none of this would’ve happened. He doesn’t want to see me—I’ve tried.”

  “Jane, ye are the only one he wishes to see. ’Tis only that he doesna wish ye to see his pain, to think him weak. ’Tis the way with men, most especially men like Adwen. I doona believe that he blames ye. Orick was a grown man, responsible for his own actions. Adwen knows that. Ye dinna call for his help, nor did ye know he was awake until he joined ye. I doona know if Adwen can see past this on his own. His greatest source of strength has left him now. He needs yer love to show him that even in the depths of our deepest grief, life goes on.”

  She didn’t give me the chance to speak. Instead, she stood and extended a hand to help me up, reaching for the handle to Adwen’s bedchamber door once I was on my feet.

  “Ye canna delay any longer. We will have to force yer presence with him. ’Tis time for all of us to make our journey home. Gregor and I must return to the inn, and Cooper needs his mother. ’Tis his first taste of true loss and ’twill take time for his wee heart to heal. Best he do that among all of his family and in the home that he knows.”

  I nodded. I just didn’t know what to say to him. Nothing would make it better. Orick told me that himself. Time was the only thing that would mend such a loss. I wanted to give him that time.

  “He asked me to stay, you know?”

  Isobel smiled, seemingly not surprised. “Did he? Ye are well suited for one another. If ye wish to stay, Gregor and I can see Cooper back.”

  “No. That’s not what I meant. I need to return him to his mother, talk to Grace, see everyone, and tell them what happened.”

  The sound of footsteps approached, and we turned to see Callum making his way toward the bedchamber with a tray of food.

  “Will ye see him today? Gregor says ye have made ready to leave. Bring him his food and demand that he speak to ye.”

  I took the tray from Callum and looked at the two of them. “Did you two plan this?”

  They said nothing. Callum opened the door as I felt Isobel’s hand push me inside.

  The door closed behind me as soon as I entered. I could see nothing in the darkness.

  * * *

  “Jane.” Adwen’s voice was weary and frustrated. “Leave, lass. I doona care for company.”

  “I’m sorry, but you’re going to get it for a little bit whether you like it or not. You can’t shut the world out forever.”

  “Aye, I plan to.”

  “Even me?” I moved deeper inside the room, feeling my way to a small table where I lowered the tray before moving to the window to let in some light. I pulled back the curtains and turned to find him. I expected to find Adwen in bed. Instead, he s
tood not two feet from me.

  His eyes were red and moist, his shoulders tight and hunched. I neared him hesitantly, reaching my hands up to his face as I approached. He trembled when my palm touched the side of his face, and he let out a ragged breath as his head bent to my shoulder.

  I wrapped my arms around him and held him to me as he answered.

  “Aye, Jane. Even ye.”

  “Adwen.” My own voice broke as I spoke. Soon it was he that held me as I cried against his chest. The guilt, stress, worry, and grief of the past week finally came to a head as he wrapped his arms around me; I’d missed him even more than I’d let myself feel. “I’m sorry. I know it’s my fault. I can’t breathe when I think about it—the guilt I feel over what happened.

  “I hoped that you could forgive me, but I understand. I’ll not ever be able to forgive myself. It’s too soon for you. It’s time for Gregor, Isobel, and Cooper to return home. I plan to travel with them to see Cooper back safely and then return to you here, but perhaps you’d like me to give you some time?”

  “Jane.” His hands gripped my arms as he pulled me away from him. “Why do ye think it yer fault?”

  I looked at him, not understanding for a moment, believing that he meant to make me feel worse by having me explain it, but I could tell by the pain in his eyes that my words had surprised him.

  “Adwen, if I’d not been on the rocks, Orick wouldn’t have been on them either. He wouldn’t have fallen.”

  His thumb stroked my cheek gently. “No, lass. Ye have no fault in this. I doona blame ye, and ye shouldna blame yerself. Orick wouldna wish it.”

  I started to sob again, and he gathered me in close, allowing me to drench the front of his shirt as he kissed the top of my head. His next words were the worst sort of unexpected blow.

  “Ye must of course journey back with the rest of them, though I doona think ye should return.”

  “Ever?” I thought I misheard him.

  “No. No ever. I am laird, Jane. I must have children of my own.”

  “What?” My ears started to ring as I stepped away from him. There’d been no time since Orick’s death to tell him. How could he possibly know?

  “Ye canna bear children, can ye?”

  “No. How do you know that?” My answer came out choked and raspy, my heart breaking with each passing second. I could understand him blaming me for Orick’s death, but to hear that he didn’t want me after knowing my secret was my worst fear realized.

  “Ye mean, how did I find out when ye meant to keep it from me? Callum heard ye tell Isobel yer reason for being on the rocks. He told me. I’m sorry, lass. It canna be between us.”

  I brought my hands up to my face and pressed my fingertips against the bridge of my nose and my eyelids. I hoped that when they opened, I would wake up in bed, everything over the last week a horrible dream.

  He was mad with grief and lost in a way he didn’t know how to handle. He didn’t mean what he said.

  I opened my eyes and breathed in, my body shaking wildly as I struggled to speak. “Adwen, I was going to tell you. I just didn’t want you to be disappointed. It doesn’t matter.” I was angry now, infuriated that his love for me was so easily changeable. “Think very carefully about how you answer this question. Do you mean what you just said? Do you really want me to stay away? Because if you say yes, that is exactly what I will do. I love you and I want to be here with you, but if you say yes, you will never see me on the grounds of Cagair Castle ever again.”

  He hesitated briefly. I watched the pain and sadness flicker inside his eyes. For a brief moment, I thought he would reach out to me, pull me close and apologize, but I saw the moment he hardened himself against me.

  “Aye, I meant every word.”

  CHAPTER 43

  Adwen could hear the sounds of them leaving—the neigh of their horses and Cooper’s weepy voice asking where he was. He didn’t move from his room. If he didn’t send her away now, he would never let her leave. She deserved far better than him.

  How could she think Orick’s death was her fault? She wasn’t the one to disregard Morna’s warning, to give Isobel the potion against her will. No, Jane did the right thing—she left the decision up to Isobel.

  If only he’d done the same, his friend would still be alive. Not that he begrudged Isobel her health, he wanted it as much as anyone within the castle. He just wished he’d known better than to toy with fate.

  He was a fool and wasn’t worthy of protecting her—of loving her. Perhaps with time, his heart would be whole enough to love her as she deserved, but now it was too broken and mangled like the body of his beloved friend. Even if he could learn to live without Orick, even if Jane could help him feel love again, he would surely break her heart. It was what he did with women.

  The shades remained open just as Jane had left them, and Adwen squinted his eyes against the sunlight as he watched them ride away from the castle. He would miss them all, but it was better that way. He already cared for each of them too much as it was.

  He stood by the window until they were past the bridge and no longer in view. At least now, he could roam the entire castle with his grief and not worry about being bothered. He turned to see Callum standing in the doorway.

  “’Tis no yet another meal time. I doona care to eat again.”

  Callum stared hard at him, the sympathy for him gone, his eyes suddenly angry. “I’m done bringing ye food. Ye are a grown man acting like a child. Do ye think ye are the only one that lost him, Adwen?”

  Every mention of Orick’s death was like a punch in the gut. In brief moments, the loss would seem less. Then it would crash down on him until the pain seemed unbearable. “Aye, the others only knew him a few moons.”

  “Damn ye, Adwen. Ye are an ignorant fool. Ye’ve only known Jane a few moons. Would ye say ye love her less than ye did Orick?”

  There was no one he loved more than Jane. She had captured him from the first moment. With Orick, he felt he had lost a piece of his very soul. “No.”

  “Aye, I know. And the others loved him deeply as well. And what of me, Adwen? Do ye think that I doona have feelings? I was raised with Orick just as ye were. He was my brother and Griffith’s as well. Da will feel he’s lost a son when he learns. I’ve sent riders for them, but ’twill be ages before we hear from them.”

  Of course, Callum grieved for Orick. He’d only been too lost in his own pain to think of it. “I’m sorry, brother. I know ye loved him and he, ye. Do ye mean to make me feel more guilty than I already do? I’m in enough pain without ye giving me more.”

  “Ye are arrogant and selfish. Someone needs to tell ye so ye will wake up. Is that why ye sent her away—ye felt guilty? Ye should. Ye’ve torn the lass to pieces for no reason. Why did ye tell her that ye knew she couldna have children? I told ye that so ye’d comfort her, let her know that ye doona care. Instead, ye used it to send her away. I doona think ye are the sort of man who would find fault in a lass for that. Did ye mean what ye said to her?”

  It had hurt him to lie to her, but he’d thought it necessary. She was as stubborn as him. He knew she’d not leave unless wounded. “No, o’course I dinna. I’ll love her ’til my last breath leaves me, but she deserves someone who willna destroy her.”

  Callum shook his head, laughing at him in disgust. “Yer grief has made ye daft. Ye will only destroy yerself if ye doona stop this foolishness. Ye may feel destroyed now because ye are, but ye willna be forever. Doona make choices now in the midst of yer sadness that will alter the path of yer life. She was meant for ye, Adwen. But ye are no ready for her. No if ye would treat her as ye did this day.”

  Adwen sat down, the ache in his chest returning. He knew that. “Aye, so ye see why I did what I did. Now, leave me be.”

  “No, ’tis no my job to coddle ye. Orick may have been a man of great patience, but if he saw the way ye treated Jane this morning, he would kick yer arse out of this room just as I’m about to.”

  A small, painful chuck
le escaped him—the first time he’d seen humor in anything since the accident. “Ye are no capable of it, Callum.”

  “Do ye no think so?”

  Callum approached him where he sat. Before Adwen could stand, Callum’s foot slammed into him, knocking him to the floor.

  “Get up and gather yer things and get out of the castle.”

  Adwen stood, too stunned to rise to anger. He rubbed his bum as he stared with wide eyes at his brother. “What?”

  “Ye doona wish to be laird. Ye shouldna be either. Even with Jane by yer side, ’twould make ye bitter to stay locked here in this castle. Give me the land, and I’ll be laird. Leave here, deal with yer grief and make peace with yer guilt. Be alone in this world for a time. Ye’ve never truly been so, and ye willna be ready for a lass like Jane until ye have. Then, when ye’ve gained some perspective, go to her and beg for her to take ye back. Each day between now and then, pray to all the saints that she doesna find someone better than ye before ye become a man worthy of her.”

  * * *

  Adwen rode away from Cagair Castle unsure of where to go but, as his horse crossed the bridge, he knew it was right to leave. He could never heal at Cagair Castle—not when the memory of that horrid day came rushing back with every glance outside.

  He would take the time he needed. Then he would make the journey back to Jane.

  CHAPTER 44

  McMillan Territory

  Three Months Later

  I stood at the doorway of Gregor and Isobel’s meager stables, watching for Cooper’s small pony to crest the top of the hill. He appeared at the same time he did each morning and, as he rode down the hill toward me, Eoghanan broke the hill a good but reasonable distance behind him. I waved to let him know he could return to McMillan Castle. It was our daily ritual, and I looked forward to Cooper’s arrival at the inn every day.