Worthy of Love?

by J. Lea

  On Monday, after the German class ended, Parker asked me to stay behind. I nodded, none too enthusiastically, and waited for the classroom to clear before I said anything. I didn’t come closer; I stayed at my table. It was better that way.

  “Do you need anything, Mr. Thorn?” My voice was shaking; I was furious with myself for feeling so fragile when I was near him. I wanted to tell him to go to hell, but I also wanted to throw myself at him, and kiss him until my lips were numb. Where was the sense in that?

  “Who was that guy you danced with on Friday?” Parker demanded and came to me.

  Wrinkling my forehead, I looked him in the eyes. Why did he want to know that? “I don’t know who you’re talking about. I danced with more than one,” I responded coolly.

  “Don’t play dumb. The one who couldn’t keep his hands off you, who kept whispering in your ears the whole night.” His voice was filled with disgust.

  “Rick? He’s Elias’s neighbor.”

  “Him, yes.” His lips thinned into a straight line, and he hissed through clenched teeth. “Do you like him?”

  What the hell? “Why?” Why does he want to know whom I like and do not like? He ignored me the whole time, pretended I didn’t exist, and then he had the nerve to interrogate me about my love life. I felt anger and frustration rising in my gut. He had no right.

  “Just answer the question,” he demanded.

  “No!” I raised my voice. “I don’t need to explain anything to you. You told me crystal clear how much I mean to you. You’re just my teacher, remember? You said it yourself that I should find a guy my age, so maybe I’m just following your advice,” I hissed at him with my hand on my hip, my eyebrows in my hairline. I didn’t bother being polite to him anymore.

  Clenching his fists, he turned his back on me. Considering our conversation was over and done, I spun around and marched to the door. I glanced back across my shoulder as I passed the doorway. His hands were in his hair, and he was muttering something to himself, but I couldn’t tell what it was. I closed my eyes, and let out a breath I hadn’t even known I was holding.

  ~ * ~

  Weeks passed, and soon, October was around the corner. And I was late for German class. Parker told us on the first day he didn’t tolerate tardiness, and if there was one period I didn’t want to be late for, it was Parker’s. I did my best to finish my appointment on time, but luck wasn’t on my side. For a minute, I even considered not going to class, but that wasn’t like me, so I was willing to suck it up whatever punishment he deemed worthy. I stopped in front of the classroom for a moment, swallowed thickly, and inhaled deeply.

  Parker’s back was to me when I opened the door. He was writing on the blackboard, but I was certain he heard the door close behind me. I tiptoed to my desk, and saw Elias’s grin from the next chair. “Hey,” I whispered and quietly sat down.

  “Nice of you to finally join us, Miss Lamb,” Parker’s voice resounded through the classroom, strict and serious.

  “I apologize, Mr. Thorn, I had a—“

  “I’m not interested,” he rudely interrupted me. “I’ve repeated myself many times, and I won’t do it again. Rules are the same for everyone. If you’re tardy, there are consequences. End of discussion.”

  My eyes widened and I nodded.

  “For tomorrow, prepare a two-page dialogue on the topic we’re discussing today. Understand?”

  I nodded again, and Parker continued with the lesson as if nothing happened.

  “What a jerk,” Elias whispered. “I can’t believe he didn’t let you say anything.”

  “It’s okay, I’ve gotten used to it.”

  “How was it?”

  “Like always. But I got delayed because the computer froze.” I had a doctor’s appointment early in the morning, a yearly check-up. Usually, everything went smoothly and I had the appointment on time, but this time I had to wait an hour longer, so naturally, I couldn’t make it to school on time.

  “What did the doc say?”

  I shrugged. “What he always says.”

  “What is so important that cannot wait until the break?” Parker’s irritated voice interrupted us.

  I hung my head, ashamed, and Elias apologized.

  “Sorry, Mr. T. Won’t happen again.”

  “No, it won’t, because you’ll be filling out this worksheet and give it back to me at the end of the hour. This will also be a part of your final grade.”

  Elias muttered something under his breath, and rose out of his chair to take the worksheets from Parker. I didn’t particularly care for German, so I struggled with the answers while Elias was writing away with no problem. Before you could say Entschuldigung, the bell announced the end of the hour, which meant I had to hand over what I wrote, which wasn’t a lot.

  I placed the sheet on Parker’s desk, and gave him a level look before turning back around and getting my things. Candy stood next to him again, drooling all over him, but he didn’t seem to notice as he sat behind his desk, listening attentively to her blabbering, nodding every once in a while. Then she turned around, a wide grin plastered on her face, as she sauntered out the classroom. Only then, I caught myself staring at them because Parker’s eyes met mine. I couldn’t read his expression. I really wished he would talk to me. Right before he lowered his head, I thought - or maybe I had just imagined it - I saw pain in his eyes. Slowly, I turned my head away, and hurried to my next class.

  At lunchtime, I joined the group of my friends in the cafeteria. I didn’t feel like eating, but I knew I still should grab a bite or two.

  “Thorn was a real pain in the ass today,” Jon said.

  “He was even more weird than usually,” Elias commented.

  “I bet he hasn’t gotten any in a while. He needs to just get laid so he’ll go easier on us,” Jon added.

  “I happily volunteer for a rumble in the sheets with him,” I heard Elias say.

  “Me, too,” Carmen perked up.

  Jon chuckled, and the table shook with laughter as others joined him. But I didn’t feel like laughing. I was still furious with Parker for taking his anger out on me. And I couldn’t stand it anymore.

  “You okay?” Elias nudged me with his elbow when he noticed I was the only one not laughing.

  “Yes,” I ground out. I was sick and tired of questions. Everybody was getting into my business, asking me if I was okay. No, I wasn’t. But I didn’t want to tell them that. I wanted them to leave me alone. I wanted Parker, and he treated me like I was the last person he wanted to see. It hurt. I wanted his love. I wanted to experience the feelings he evoked in me on our dates. I wanted him to feel the same way I felt for him. And I tried, I really tried to forget him—his attitude toward me should help—but I only wanted him more.

  I hadn’t spoken with Parker, except if he’d asked me a question in class, but that was a rare occurrence. He purposely avoided me. I still felt his burning gaze on me when I walked down the hall to a classroom, or in the cafeteria during lunchtime. Instead of waning off, my feelings for him deepened, and I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Maybe it was because I’ve felt more comfortable with him than anyone else before. He made me feel beautiful and cherished, something I hadn’t felt in a long time.

  “Hey, Jon,” Candy sauntered to our table, a flock of her irritating friends following suit. She flashed him a brilliant, seductive smile, and plopped down beside him without being invited to sit down at our table, pushing me away in the process.

  “What’s your problem?” I exclaimed. “I was sitting here.”

  “And now you’re not.” She threw her long, clearly fake, blond hair over her shoulder, turning her back to me, and smiling coyly at Jon. “I miss you,” she whined.

  “And I don’t miss you. Can you move? Lori was sitting here,” he said.

  Her mouth gaped open as she stared at him in surprise. “What? Don’t tell me you’ve replaced me with her?” Her voice was full of disgust as she eyed me from head to toe.

  “I have
n’t replaced you with anyone. It’s your fault things turned out as they did, so you have no right to say anything anymore. Now, leave.”

  She leapt to her feet, shock written all over her face, and said, “You’ll be begging me to come back to you.”

  “Whatever,” he shook his head, and she scurried off, her posse trailing behind her.

  It wasn’t the first time Candy joined us when Jon was with us. Elias told me they’d dated briefly last year, but she cheated on him and he dumped her. Ever since then, she’d been trying to get him back, unsuccessfully.

  Chapter Twelve

  February 2011

  14 years old

  “Lori, what is this?” Mom exclaimed in horror when I came home from friend’s house, where we were working on a school project. Mom was in my room, looking pale. My bed was messy, covers on the floor. She sat on the edge of the bed, my notebook in her hands, her eyes red with tears.

  “Where did you find this? How dare you snoop around my room?!” I rushed to her, and snatched the notebook out of her hands. “You have no right looking through my personal things!” Tears were streaming down my face. I felt sick to my stomach. What must she think of me now, was all that ran through my head.

  “I was changing the bedding, and it just fell out,” she said, her voice shaking.

  I didn’t know why I was angry when I should’ve felt relief. My secret was finally out in the open. But I didn’t feel relief—I was terrified. And terribly ashamed. Terror, panic and dread washed over me. I didn’t want my parents to be disgusted with me.

  “You shouldn’t have read that,” my voice broke.

  “Is it true? What it says in here?” Mom sounded brokenhearted.

  “No,” I said, unconvincingly.

  “Then, why did you write this?” she looked confused.

  “Because,” was the best I could come up with. “I can write what I want, right?”

  “Lori, please. Tell me the truth. This is serious. You can’t joke about something like this. The descriptions are so…vivid. I don’t believe this is just a story you made up when you were bored. This really happened, didn’t it?”

  I couldn’t answer; I just burst into tears. I buried my head in my hands.

  “Oh, god,” Mom breathed out, her face contorted with horror.

  “I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I’m so sorry.” Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I started shaking. Mom rushed closer, and wrapped her hands around me protectively.

  “Lori, why are you apologizing? You did nothing wrong. Oh, my poor baby.” We cried in each other’s arms.

  “W-who did this to you?” I’d never written down his name. I’d always addressed him as a monster. I didn’t respond to her. “Lori, who is this man?” she asked more firmly.

  “C-coach,” I stammered into her shoulder.

  “Briggs?” She straightened and looked at me wide-eyed. I nodded slowly. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you keep it inside? We could’ve done something!”

  “Who’d believe me, mom? He’s one of the most respected coaches in the state. Everyone would think I’m making things up, that I’m just some silly teenager with a stupid crush, and a big imagination,” I exclaimed, waving my hands in the air.

  “Of course I’d believe you!” she said with a pitch in her voice, and I could see she was disappointed and hurt I hadn’t trusted her.

  “Would you?” I said in a small voice. “You and Dad praised him to the skies. If I said anything, you’d think it was just an excuse for me to stop training. You’d think it was just one of my teenager whims because I got tired of practices and would rather hang out with boys and my friends. That’s exactly how you’d react.”

  “Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry.” She squeezed me to her side, softly kissing the top of my head. After a few minutes of silence, she put her hands on my upper arms, and pulled me back just enough to look me in the eyes and ask, “Lori, did he…” She couldn’t finish the sentence, but I knew what she was asking me.

  “No,” I shook my head firmly. “He didn’t rape me.” Mom let out a small breath of relief. “He touched me inappropriately and kissed me. But, Mom, I didn’t want any of that. I begged him to stop. He just told me to relax, that it’s no big deal, and continued. I didn’t want it, Mom, I swear!” It was as if a dam let loose, and I told her every dirty detail, even the ones I didn’t write about in my notebook.

  “I know, sweetheart, of course I believe you. None of this was your fault. It’s that…that…monster’s fault,” she spat out furiously.

  “So, you’re not mad at me?”

  “What?” she wrinkled her forehead in confusion. “Why would I be mad at you? Oh, sweetie, no. I’m furious with Coach Briggs. If he were standing in front of me right now, I’d rip him into million pieces for doing something so despicable to you. I can’t believe this has been happening right under our nose. And dad and I even forced you to still attend practice, even though you didn’t want to go.”

  “I wanted to go to practice. It was Coach Briggs that I didn’t want to see.”

  Mom pressed another kiss to my forehead. “Lori, we need to tell your father right away. We need to end this. Do you hear me?”

  “I’m a-afraid, mom. Coach told me to keep my mouth shut or else…”

  She shut her eyes, muttering under her voice about how no fourteen-year old girl should ever go through something like this, that nobody should ever experience something so horrendous.

  “I promise you he will never ever lay a hand on you again. He never even should’ve touched you,” she said, before bursting into tears again. This time, I was the one to put a hand comfortingly around her shoulders.

  “I love you, Mom.”

  “I love you, too, sweetheart.” She wiped at the tears on her cheek with the back of her hands, and straightened up. “I’ll go find your dad. We need to…” She shook her head, and marched out of my room. My knees buckled, and I landed on the floor. I was overwhelmed with conflicting emotions. I felt relieved because Mom didn’t change her opinion of me, but there was also fear growing inside me, fear of consequences. I was afraid what people will think about me when the story comes out.

  Chapter Thirteen

  November 2014

  18 years old

  “Lori?” Tyler walked out of his room as I was lounging on the couch with a book in my lap. I’d finished my shift at the Emperor’s Palace a half an hour ago, so the only thing I craved when I came home was curling up on the couch. My feet were killing me from all the running around the restaurant; it was Saturday, the busiest day of the week. Mom was visiting Dani, so Tyler and I were home alone.

  “Hey, little man,” I said distractedly, my attention still with the book I was holding in my hands. My brother, as any younger siblings can be, is a pain in the ass sometimes, but I loved him very much. The last few weeks we hadn’t talked much, since I’d been swamped with school, studying, and my part-time job on the weekends. Mom mentioned something about him not doing well in school, and his grades slipping drastically, but we attributed this to the change of scenery, new school, and new people. We knew he’d get better once he got acclimated. He had seemed better the last few days, hanging out with Kolt a lot, so I was relieved to see him enjoying himself, getting better. But, then he sat down next to me on the couch, and I gasped when I turned to him.

  “Jesus Christ!” I bulged my eyes at him. “What happened to you?”

  “Nothing,” he muttered.

  “Nothing? It doesn’t look like nothing to me.” There was a big red-blue bruise that ran from the middle of his right cheek to his chin, and appeared fresh. “Did you get into a fight or something?”

  “No.”

  “Then, why is your face messed up?”

  “It was nothing.”

  “Don’t bullshit me, and just tell me what happened,” I was getting impatient. Tyler wasn’t a violent boy; he’d never before been in a fight.

  “I was beaten up.”

  “Yes, I can s
ee that. What exactly happened?”

  “Two boys from junior class attacked me.”

  “Why?”

  Tyler shrugged his shoulders.

  “Did you provoke them in any way?” They couldn’t have beaten him for nothing.

  “No!” he said defensively. “It’s been dragging on from the first week in school. I hate this city, I hate my school, I hate this stupid apartment, I hate you!” he yelled, jumped to his feet, and ran off to his room.

  “Shit,” I muttered guiltily, getting up from the couch. Bracing myself with a deep breath, I went to his room, and carefully knocked on the door. There was no response. “Tyler? Can I come in?” He was still quiet, so I just walked in, and found him lying on his bed on his stomach, hugging his pillow. “Tyler? I’m sorry.”

  “Get out,” he muttered into the pillow, but I could still hear him.

  “No. If there’s anyone who knows how you feel, it’s me.”

  “You have no idea how I feel,” he spit out.

  “Tyler, did you already forget what I’ve been through? I know exactly how it is, and I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings by asking if you did something to make them come after you. I know you wouldn’t do anything to provoke them.” He turned over to face me, and leaned his head on the headboard. I sat down and hugged him. “Tell me what happened.”

  “I have no idea,” he said in desperation. “They just started picking on me one day. I guess it was because I accidently bumped into one of them on my way to History class. But I swear it wasn’t on purpose, I was just in a hurry because I was late. Ever since then, they keep hitting me in the hallways, pushing me into the lockers, calling me a nerd. They keep taking my lunch money, and, one time, they stuffed my backpack into the toilet.”

  “Did you apologize to the guy you bumped into?”

  He rolled his eyes. “Of course.” He was quiet for a few seconds, and then he said, “Yesterday was the first time I stood up to them. I didn’t want them to take my money again, so they dragged me to the toilet where one of them hit me in the stomach, and the other one kicked me in the face. They searched my backpack for my money, and left me on the floor.”