by Liz Johnson
“What’s Will’s?” As soon as the words were out, she wished she could take them back. She shouldn’t have asked. She didn’t need to know.
But mostly she wished she already knew.
“Will?” Luke grunted. “Mostly he just talks about family dinners and his grandma’s enchiladas. And after a particularly rough mission, he’ll talk about this cute brunette who used to sit next to him at the table and talk him into midnight swimming.”
Her face blazed, and she had to look back at her knees. Butterflies swarmed in her stomach, but she refused to be their victim. Just because Will remembered her, talked about her, didn’t change anything.
“You know, he was the one who always suggested swimming after my curfew.”
Luke chuckled.
The plane lurched, its nose diving. She gasped, her fist clenching her grimy pants.
Suddenly Will’s hand found hers, and he twined their fingers together, letting her squeeze as they continued their descent.
She risked a glance at Will, whose eyes were still closed, then at Luke, who gave her a saucy wink.
“I guess they don’t tell you to put your tray tables up on cargo flights.”
“And I don’t think I ever got my peanuts,” Will said, his eyes fluttering open.
Jess didn’t have time to wonder how much of their conversation he had heard. Soon the wheels bounced on the runway, and they were tossed around within the confines of their seat belts. When the bay doors opened, the plane was flooded with light from the setting sun and with the sweet smell of salt water.
Jess’s legs trembled as she stood, but she ran, anyway. Though no one had told her to expect him, she knew her dad would be waiting for her. As she cleared the ramp, he was there in his white dress uniform, arms spread wide.
She’d never hugged anyone as tightly, while he kissed her cheeks and ran his hands over her hair. Tears streamed down his face, and he mumbled something that she couldn’t hear over the war raging in her heart.
How could a moment be at once so sweet and so heartbreaking?
“I was so worried about you,” he said against her temple. “I’m so glad you’re home.”
“Me, too, Dad.”
After what felt like hours, her dad stepped back, finally taking notice of the two shadows standing off to his left.
“Gumble. Dunham.”
Both men snapped to attention at his deep voice, tension rolling off them.
A smile cracked her dad’s demeanor. “Good work, men. Thank you for bringing her back to me.”
Will stepped forward to shake his hand. “My pleasure, sir.” Luke quickly followed suit and then stepped back.
“I suppose you two are due a little leave.”
“No, sir,” Will said.
The XO’s forehead wrinkled. “Eager to get back to your team?”
Will nodded, his hands clasped behind his back. “Yes, sir.”
“All right, then. I’ll let Lieutenant Sawyer know to expect you back tomorrow.”
“Thank you.” Will took a step back, as though he was going to excuse himself. He squinted into the last sliver of orange sun still visible over the horizon.
A rope squeezed Jess’s chest, and she stumbled toward him, her hand outstretched. He caught it and pulled her into his embrace in one smooth movement.
“I hope you have a merry Christmas.” He dipped his head to kiss her cheek, his lips leaving a mark so strong that it had to be visible. “When we were down there…you did really good, kid.”
Oh, there was too much she needed to say. And no privacy in which to say it. Her brain froze, and she could only hold on to him.
He gave her a quick squeeze. Then, just like ten years before, he let her go and walked out of her life.
At least this time he said goodbye.
But it would never be enough.
FIFTEEN
Will paced the steps in front of his brother’s office building more times than he could count. He’d held open the door for five different women walking up to the glass doors. Still he couldn’t get up the nerve to go in there and talk to Sal face-to-face.
Luke, L.T. and Rock had all told him that if he didn’t pull himself out of his funk, they were going to send him back to Panama.
If Jess had still been there, he’d have gladly gone.
But she wasn’t. She was about fifteen miles away, which might as well have been in another hemisphere.
He scrubbed his hands over his face and stared at the perfect blue sky. Why did this have to be so hard? He should just be able to go into that office and tell his brother the truth. Except he owed Sal more than he could repay. Sal deserved better than a brother like Will. Sal deserved a brother who wasn’t falling deeper and deeper for the girl Sal still loved.
“Will?”
He jumped at the sound of his name.
Sal walked up the steps from the parking garage, black tubes tucked under his arm. “What are you doing here?”
He ran a hand through his hair and shrugged.
Sal smiled widely, a match of Will’s own dimple appearing in his right cheek. “Come on inside.” He held open the door for Will, then led the way through a maze of cubicles into an office in the back corner.
Will had been in this office a handful of times, and nothing had changed. An architect’s drawing table sat in a corner opposite a giant wooden desk. Three black trays stacked on the corner contained the only visible paper.
Will gestured toward the clock on the wall next to a row of framed diplomas. “Getting in kind of late today, eh?”
Sal laughed. “I was showing a client some new designs for her renovation this morning.” He set down his blueprint tubes before settling into the leather chair behind the desk. “Why don’t you sit down? Tell me how you’re doing.”
Eyeing the plush chairs facing the desk, Will shook his head. Instead he paced the length of the room and back, clawing at his scalp and praying for a flash of brilliance.
“Man, something’s under your skin.” Sal leaned forward, his elbows on his desk. “It can’t be that bad. Mom called me this morning, and she didn’t say anything was wrong. Just spit it out.”
Will stopped long enough to stare into his brother’s eyes, but quickly resumed his pacing. Motion usually helped him think. But apparently not today.
“Listen. See…here’s the thing…” He shook his head and started over. “You kept me from being sent to military school.”
“What? Where did that come from?” Sal settled back into his chair. “That was years ago.”
“I know, but you didn’t have to spend that night in jail. You could have let Dad send me off to Texas.”
Sal shook his head. “I don’t understand. What is this all about?”
“I—I owe you. A lot.”
“We’re brothers. We don’t keep score.”
That stopped Will in his tracks. If what Sal said was true, then maybe there was hope yet. Maybe he would understand.
Will had never been so terrified in his life. His entire future rested on his next words and his brother’s response. “I’m in love with Jess.”
Sal’s eyes narrowed, and he pressed his palms against his desk. “Jess? McCoy?”
“Yes.”
Sal waved two fingers between them. “This is all about you being in love with Jess?”
“I’m sorry, man. I know how you feel—”
Laughter filled the air, and Will jerked to a halt midstride.
“I know you’re in love with Jess,” Sal said, his voice laced with amusement. “Do you think I’m stupid?”
Will collapsed into a chair, pressing a hand over his flopping stomach. “But I thought you were still in love with her.”
“Even I knew I was a fool for asking her to marry me. You two only had eyes for each other, even back then.”
A battering ram slammed into Will’s chest, and he leaned over his knees to catch his breath.
Sal laughed again. “You thought I’ve been pinin
g over her all these years?”
“But you haven’t settled down or even really dated much. I just figured…”
“Architecture school and starting my own firm took all of my time. When would I have fit a serious relationship into that?”
“So you’re not…you’re okay with me and Jess?”
Sal walked around his desk and slapped Will’s shoulder. “Of course I am. You two are made for each other. I just can’t believe it’s taken you so long to realize it.”
Will jumped from his seat. He hadn’t even felt so light when the Chinook arrived in Panama.
Pulling Sal into a bear hug, he said, “Thank you.” Then he raced for the exit.
“Where are you going?”
He skidded to a stop at the door just long enough to holler over his shoulder. “To tell Jess how I feel.”
*
Jess sat behind the wheel of her coupe, staring at the sprawling blue house across the street. She’d intended to go back to her job at the lab this morning, but somehow she’d ended up in front of Pacific Coast House, a safe haven for those who had suffered at the hands of domestic violence.
She’d been volunteering there for a little over a year and knew how secure the facility was. How the safety there allowed mothers and children to flourish.
And right that moment, she needed a haven where she could feel safe.
She slammed her car door behind her, jogged across the street and opened the white door, which boasted a small welcome sign.
Dawn, the receptionist, looked up from her computer at the front desk. “Jess! I didn’t think we’d see you this week. Staci said you were out of town.”
Jess managed a half smile. “Just got back a couple days ago. Thought I’d see if there’s anything I could do to help out around here.”
“Oh, always.” Dawn waved her hands as though the whole house might fall down under a strong breeze. “Ashley’s in the kitchen with Jasper. I’m sure she could use a hand.”
Jess practically ran down the hallway toward the wide kitchen, which featured bright white cupboards and cheery yellow curtains. As she turned the corner, the top of Ashley’s blond ponytail peeked over the open fridge door. Seconds later, a toddler with wild blond curls ran up to Jess, his arms outstretched as he danced on his tippy toes. “Up. Up.”
Jess laughed and scooped Jasper into her arms, giving him a quick spin for good measure.
“Oh, you don’t have to carry him.” Ashley emerged from the fridge, her arms full of vegetables that nearly covered her swelling belly.
“I don’t mind a bit.” Jess tickled the squirming boy, and his laughter was like a healing balm to her aching heart. “You probably can’t hold him much anymore.”
With a knowing roll of her eyes, Ashley rubbed the small of her back. “I didn’t think it was possible to be more uncomfortable than I was when I was pregnant with Jasper, but this little one feels like he’s taking up twice as much room, and I still have another month to go.”
“Well, his dad isn’t exactly petite.”
Ashley laughed. “He most certainly is not.”
Jasper was heavier than he looked, so Jess pulled a chair out from the table, sat down and started bouncing him on her knees. He squealed with glee, which earned a smile from his mom before she turned back to chopping veggies.
“We didn’t expect you this week,” Ashley said after a long silence.
Before she could respond, quick footsteps in the hallway announced a new arrival, and Staci Sawyer swung through the door frame, panting for breath, her cheeks pink. “You’re back!”
“I know, I know.” Jess’s smile felt too forced. “You didn’t expect me this week.”
Staci knelt to give her an awkward hug and plant a kiss on her nephew’s cheek. He immediately held out his arms and leaned into Staci. Jess gave him up with one last brush of her fingers through his silky curls.
With her hands empty, she joined Ashley at the counter, longing for something to do. Anything that would take her mind off of Will’s renewed absence. Peeling carrots didn’t fill the void, but it helped to pass the time.
“So?” Staci’s voice was low as she closed the partition to the dining room. “Are you going to tell us about it?”
“Tell you about what?”
Ashley quirked her lips to the side, shooting Jess a look that said she wasn’t fooling anyone.
Jess stared at her carrots as though they were the most interesting orange food ever created, but she couldn’t find any words to explain what had happened, what it had been like. She didn’t even know how much they knew. Their husbands did work with Will, so her friends had probably heard more than she’d told a soul, even her dad.
“Tristan says that Willie has been—how do I put this nicely?—a bear since he got back.” Staci plopped Jasper on the counter so she could stand right next to Jess. “What happened?”
“Nothing.” Oh, there had never been a bigger lie, and her friends’ eyes told her they knew it. “Everything,” Jess said with a sigh.
Ashley and Staci shared a knowing look. “We both know a thing about that,” Ashley said. “Spill it.”
Before she could stop, Jess let it all out. The kidnapping. Waking up in Panama. Seeing Will again. All their history.
She told them about everything but the kisses. Those were hers alone to remember. And when she needed a smile, she pulled out the memory of being in his arms. Of feeling wholly, incomparably cherished. And for a moment she was with him again.
Until reality interrupted, leaving that aching void in her chest that kept her awake at night.
“For ten years I held on to this thread of hope that someday Will would come back to me. But when he did, he left again. And this time it’s forever. Just like my mom.” Jess sniffed, the carrots swimming before her suddenly watery eyes.
“Oh, honey.” Staci rubbed Jess’s back. “What does your dad say?”
“He says I need to let go of the past, to forgive my mom for leaving.” Jess wiped her eyes with the back of her hand before attacking another carrot with the peeler. “He also says Will isn’t like her, that he’s a good man.”
“Your dad sounds like a smart guy.”
Jess swallowed a hiccup. “I know he’s right, and I’m trying really hard not to make this about my mom. But Will did walk away. Again.”
“It’s hard to be with a SEAL,” Ashley said, as she washed several stalks of celery. “You never know when they’ll be called up or how long the next deployment will last.”
“Yes, but you at least know that they want to come home to you, right?”
Staci nodded slowly.
“Will had his chance. He looked me in the eye on that tarmac, gave me a hug and took off.”
Jasper, apparently sensing the tension in the room, leaned forward and hugged Jess around the neck. She patted his back and kissed his forehead. “My mom didn’t want me. And I’ve dealt with that. But even though my dad was deployed all the time, I knew he wanted to come home. Will doesn’t want any kind of relationship with me.”
“Did you ask him if that’s really how he feels?” Staci asked.
“I couldn’t risk it.”
Ashley’s eyes narrowed. “Why not go tell him how you feel?”
“I can’t chase him down.” She arranged her carrot sticks into neat rows, wishing that it was as easy to give some order to her out-of-control emotions. “I’d never know when he was going to leave, but I’d always be waiting for him to.”
Staring at her hands, Ashley asked the question that had to be answered. “But if he did—if he came back now—could you forgive him?”
Jess knuckled away the tears that leaked down her cheeks as everything inside of her constricted. “I already have.”
She was still mopping up her running mascara when the door swung open. Dawn poked her head in, her eyebrows scrunched together. “Jess, there’s someone here to see you.”
“Me?” Her stomach jumped, then took a dive. She had no reas
on to hope it could be Will.
“I sent him into the living room, since lunch will be happening in here soon.”
Him.
It couldn’t be. It wasn’t. She couldn’t let herself even wish.
Wiping her hands on a towel, she took a shaky breath and followed Dawn down the hall.
*
Will leaned a hand against the white mantel decked out in garlands and red stockings. Miniature versions of the classic socks hung on the broad tree in the corner, and its white lights danced on the far wall. Several large boxes below the branches were wrapped in blue and green paper, and he stuck his hand in his pocket, fingering the gift there.
It was corny and ridiculous.
And maybe it would be enough to tell her how he really felt.
He had never been great with words.
Please, God, just give me the words to say today. Help her forgive me—maybe even love me.
He sensed more than heard her arrival, and he spun to face her. Jess stood just inside the living room. Her long dark hair was clean and shiny, and it glowed in the twinkling lights. Dark smudges marred the hollows below her shining eyes, but her cheeks were pink and healthy, her skin smooth.
She twisted her arms together, clasping her hands in front of her pale blue sweater.
“What are you doing here? I thought you weren’t coming back.” She sounded a little out of breath. He knew just how she felt.
He couldn’t stop staring at her, drinking in the sight of her, safe and home. And his?
Maybe. If she’d have him.
He opened his mouth to answer her question, but she spoke at the same time. “Did you hear something from Amy about the charges against Juan Carlos?”
It took him a minute to get on the same track, and he stumbled over his response. “No, not really—nothing new. But she thinks it won’t be long before the U.S. Attorney files the charges. They have a strong case and found more than enough evidence of international drug smuggling. And it turns out that the Panamanian authorities were looking for him, as well. He’ll spend a lot of years in prison—either here or there—regretting that he ever came after you.”