Abruptly changing the subject, she asks instead, “So, are you coming with us tonight or what?” I already know she’ll be hanging out with Austin. Which potentially means Cole. There is no way I can remain strong when I’m around him. He’s way too good at breaking down my defenses.
Tearing my gaze away from hers, I say, “Can’t. I’m just going to stick around here tonight and finish up some homework.”
Brooklyn stares at me for a long hard moment. “It’s Friday night and once again you’re playing the lame card.” She doesn’t bother rolling her eyes even though she probably wants to.
“Yep.” I smile in return, thankful that she’s accepting my excuse without the pair of us having to battle it out.
“Fine. Don’t bother waiting up for me. I’ll probably crash at Austin’s tonight.”
“I figured,” I reply with a small smile.
A few minutes later Brooklyn is gone leaving behind a cloud of perfume in her wake. It’s not like I was making empty excuses just to avoid running into Cole. I really do have a ton of reading to plow my way through, two homework assignments, and an econ paper to outline. Now, could I have started it all tomorrow and still gotten it done with enough time to spare?
Yeah, probably…
But still.
If I’m having any regrets about pulling away from Cole, I try not to dwell on them. Instead I bury myself in my work. Two hours later, I’m just starting to outline the econ paper when my phone chimes with an incoming text.
Cole- Ran into Brooklyn, she says u r staying in 2nite?
I pause not really sure if I want to answer his text. I’m not sure if I want to get sucked into a conversation with him. Even though he said we could take our relationship slow, there’s this connection between us. I want nothing more than to be close to him and yet… I’m afraid of becoming too wrapped up in him. Because being with Cole is easy. Way too easy. I’m afraid of what will happen when I’m finally honest with him.
It was actually the trip home that had me reconsidering my decision to continue seeing Cole. Because my dad had unknowingly echoed the same concerns Dr. Thompson had voiced. And I can’t help but wonder if somehow they’re both right. Maybe I really do need to focus on getting my life straightened out before I become involved with someone else. At this point, I’m still finding my way. Even though everything is going well for me right now, that doesn’t mean it can’t turn to shit at the drop of a hat.
Setting the phone down carefully on the side of my desk, I once again focus my attention on my econ outline. But I just can’t seem to pick up the threads of my previous thoughts. Feeling frustrated because I know Cole is the reason for my sudden inability to concentrate, I snap up the phone before rereading his text and stabbing in a quick reply.
Me- Lots of hmwrk Not a lie… just not necessarily the truth either.
His response pops up almost instantly.
Cole- Can I come up?
My eyes widen. Come up?
Because that means Cole is already here.
At the dorm.
Gripping the thin phone in my hand, I squeeze my eyes tightly shut trying to decide what to do. Something within me leaps with joy because I’m dying to see him. But I also know that seeing him will only get me into trouble. Because the more time we spend together, the more difficult it is to keep my barriers up. And what I’ve learned about Cole is that he’s very clever about breaking them down.
The phone chimes again. Cole- Cassidy? R U there?
Giving in, I type a quick response. Me- Yes. Come up
Cole- Ok. C U in a few
Pacing anxiously, I worry my bottom lip with my teeth before straightening my hair and throwing on some lip gloss.
Deep breath in… slowly exhale out.
Deep breath in… slowly exhale out.
And then he’s knocking on the door and I’m opening it. Loud music pours in from the brightly lit hallway. People are laughing, shouting back and forth to one another. Even though it’s against dorm rules, a few guys swig beer from cans as they toss a football back and forth from one end of the hall to the other.
“Hi.” His eyes hold mine and once again I’m struck by just how good looking he is. Those dimples are seriously going to be the death of me. And my fingers almost itch to plow their way through his shaggy dark hair. I have to shove my hands into the front pockets of my jeans just so I won’t reach out and stroke him. Because that’s exactly what I want to do. Letting him up here already feels like a huge mistake.
Nervously I return his smile. “Hi.”
For just a moment he glances around the room as if taking everything in before his eyes arrow right back to mine. His gaze is always so direct and forthright. Like he sees everything… and I don’t want him seeing everything. There’s way too much I’m trying to hide. Cole has already proven himself to be astute, always watching. Always anticipating my needs. He knows exactly when to push and when to back off.
And then he’s eating up the distance between us, until he’s standing right before me. So close that I have to crane my neck to look into those beautiful golden brown eyes of his. So close that I can reach out and slide my fingers across the sexy shadow that’s gracing both chin and cheek. The urge to touch him surges through me again. Suddenly all the memories of us snuggled up and kissing in his bed careen their way through my brain. Sharp shafts of desire slice painfully through me.
“I’m going to kiss you now, Cassidy.” Even as he thickly murmurs the words, he’s already on the verge of capturing my lips. And just like that, my arms are entwining their way around his neck before pulling him closer, needing to feel more of him. “I’ve missed you,” he whispers against my lips before delving in for more.
Oh God, I’ve missed him too.
Way, way too much.
“You’ve been MIA,” he adds throatily, his lips still searing me with their heat.
“I know,” I answer softly, “it’s been really busy.” But it’s more than that and I somehow wonder if he realizes it as well. My guess is that he does.
It’s almost been a full week since we made that silently awkward drive back to the dorms. And we haven’t seen very much of each other since then. He’s wanted to spend time together, but I kept telling him that I was too busy.
But the truth of the matter is that I needed some space.
Space and time to work through all the shit in my head. Honestly, I didn’t know what he would do- maybe get irritated or fed up… but surprisingly he just backed off, silently giving me the time I needed even though I was too chicken shit to come out and say the words. He didn’t badger or hound me, because if he had, it would have been so much easier to get annoyed and cut things off.
And when he’s in my arms like this… or maybe it’s when I’m in his arms, all the hesitations that keep screaming their way through my head quiet down until I can’t even hear them. When I’m with him, there’s a strange contentment that washes over me.
Finally he asks, “Do you still have work to do or are you finished for the night?”
My eyes dart away. I really should keep working. I really should…
“No,” I say softly, “I’m done.”
Without warning, he leans over, his lips lining up perfectly against mine before his tongue delves into my mouth. Unable to help myself, I instantly melt against him as his lips stroke mine. And then I do what I’ve been dying to since he first walked through my door tonight- I run my fingers slowly through his hair. A low growl rumbles against my lips making me want him even more.
I don’t want to stop touching him. And I certainly don’t want him to stop touching me. I want to stake my claim just like Brooklyn suggested earlier.
He licks at my mouth, nipping at the corners until I’m the one groaning, wanting more. After a few breathless moments, he begins kissing his way down my neck to the collar of my shirt.
“Cole…” Barely can I even scrape his name out. What he’s doing feels so good… Better than good…
/>
“Hmmm,” he murmurs between fevered kisses.
“I don’t think we should take this any further…” I pause trying desperately to catch my breath along with my scattered thoughts, “I’m sorry.”
This is exactly what he does to me.
Makes me completely senseless.
Not responding to my words, he simply nibbles his way back up to my mouth before pressing one last lingering kiss against my lips.
“I know.” He shrugs his broad shoulders as if stopping is no big deal. One corner of his mouth tilts upward before he presses his forehead against mine. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to push you.”
Needing a bit of space between us, I pull away before searching his whiskey colored eyes. They are so completely beautiful in their golden intensity. Sometimes it feels as if I might stumble and fall right into them. I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I did.
If I just let myself fall.
If I stopped backing away from the edge and simply jumped instead.
A thin shiver snakes its way uncomfortably down my spine as I continue backing away.
Chapter Sixteen
Cole
“Hi sweetie.”
My mom calls out a greeting as I come through the front door. For just a moment I pause, remembering what it felt like to walk through Cassidy’s front door. The tone and feel of our houses couldn’t be more different. Even with no one there to welcome us, the vibe had felt strangely tense.
“Hi, mom.”
Even though I’m nearly twenty, she still wraps her arms around me, pulling me close for a deep embrace. Other guys would probably fight the intimacy or roll their eyes at having their mom hug them, but I don’t. Truth be told, I don’t really give a shit what anyone else thinks. I know what it feels like to lose a parent. So, if she wanted to give me a hug every once in a while, I’m cool with it.
My mind tumbles back to Cassidy and her dad and the God awful awkwardness that had sucked the oxygen right out of the room. I hate to admit it, but I’d been secretly relieved when she had asked me to wait in the car, even though a huge part of me hadn’t wanted to leave her alone with him.
He had looked so cold and… distant. Angry.
I’m still trying to work out what the hell is wrong between the pair of them but I can’t seem to figure it out and Cassidy has remained rather tight lipped about the whole thing.
Actually, Cassidy is pretty close mouthed about her past in general. Well, I guess that isn’t entirely true. I now know she grew up playing hockey. It had surprised the shit out of me to learn that she’d been a serious athlete up until this year. I almost smile thinking about how she had blown right past me out on the ice.
She’s a puzzle I want to solve.
Okay, maybe a puzzle I need to solve is more of an accurate description.
I’ve actually done a little online snooping, hoping to gather a little more intel about this girl. The only thing I’ve been able to find is a few newspaper clippings and website pictures of her playing youth hockey. Championship photos. You could just tell from the sparkling glint in her eyes that she was one hell of a tough player. There was this look of utter confidence about her, as if she knew exactly where she belonged. Even in a group of rough and tumble boys, she had known she was accepted.
So what in the hell had happened to change that?
Where had all that confidence disappeared to?
And why wasn’t she still playing? Because being out on the ice with her, I can tell she was good. Really good.
I keep waiting for her to open up, even just a little bit, but she hasn’t. And honestly, I’m beginning to wonder if she ever will. I’m not ready to give up on her just yet but she has to seriously throw me a bone here. I’m working my ass off.
In all the team pictures I had found online, her dad had been standing proudly behind her. He’d obviously been one of her coaches growing up, which wasn’t uncommon. He’d looked different as well. Younger. Happier. Lighter. I almost didn’t recognize him.
So whatever happened last year had affected both of them.
“Well, that’s a rather pensive look.” My mom strokes a hand over my cheek and I immediately snap out of my thoughts before forcing a smile. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get that girl out of my mind. “Everything okay?”
Yeah… the whole Cassidy conversation isn’t one I’m going to be having with my mom. There are just too many unknowns at this point. Hell, half the time I don’t even know what’s going on between us. “It’s nothing.” Plus… she’ll want to talk it to death. And I’m not in the mood for that.
Linking her arm through mine, we move into the kitchen. “Smells good, mom. What are you making this time?” My mother loves to cook. She’s always trying out new recipes. An added bonus is that she’s really good at it.
“Braised beef roast, au gratin potatoes, glazed green beans with a freshly baked rosemary infused bread.” She looks pleased with herself.
Already I can feel my stomach grumbling. A week of eating at school will do that to you. “That sounds seriously good. If there are left overs, maybe I can take some back for the guys?” They’ll fight like jackals over them which is always amusing. Because most of the guys live far from home, they don’t get home cooked meals very often. And since I always eat dinner with my family on Sundays, my mom usually makes enough to feed a small army. Or at least a houseful of hockey players.
“You certainly could have invited them over today.”
I shrug. Yeah… I guess I could have but… “I needed a break from the chaos.” Six guys sharing a house and playing hockey together is sometimes a little too much togetherness. So getting away for a few hours every Sunday is usually just enough of a break before I head back to school for the week.
“Understandable,” she agrees.
I’m an only child. And while most moms feel a bit of relief when their children finally leave home, mine didn’t. Hell, I’d still be living up in my old room if she had her way. So we compromised when I left for college. I stayed local but live near campus instead of at home.
Swiping a chocolate chip cookie from a plate on the counter I ask, “So where’s Thomas?”
My mother waves a hand in the air. “Oh, he had an emergency at the hospital. He should be back before we sit down to eat.”
Thomas is an emergency room doctor at the local hospital in town. He’s also my stepfather. My dad died in a car accident when I was ten. Drunk driver. Some fucked up college kid driving home from the bar at two in the morning. My father died instantly while the jackass kid walked away without a scratch. And yeah, he sat his ass in jail for a couple years. But so what? That certainly hadn’t brought my dad back to us.
My mother married Thomas four years after that. He isn’t my dad and he doesn’t try to be. But he’s a super nice guy and treats my mother well which is really all that matters. And if I need to talk, he’s there. It could be worse. A hell of a lot worse.
“So I’ll have you all to myself for a couple of hours.” She smiles and I’m unable to resist returning her happiness. My father’s death may have dampened her spirit but over the years, it returned and she persevered. I guess we both have.
Breaking into my thoughts again, she asks, “So, how’s the team shaping up this year?”
I run my hands through my hair as I turn the question over in my mind. “I think we’ll be solid. We’ve got a lot of strong returning players. A tough defense and a fast offense. The freshmen and transfers we picked up seem to be talented so that should help.” I shrug my shoulders. “So far, so good.”
Opening the fridge, I grab a Gatoraid before sitting down at the large granite island. Twisting off the cap, I say, “You know, you don’t have to buy these anymore.” Then I proceed to guzzle down half the bottle.
She just smiles, shaking her blonde head as she continues chopping the green beans with the precision of a trained chef. “Of course I’ll still buy the things you like. You’re my son, I mi
ss having you around. Seeing them in the fridge reminds me that you’ll be home soon for a visit.”
I raise a brow as a small, not to mention unmanly, lump settles in the middle of my throat. But still I can’t resist teasing, “Jeez, mom, you’re getting sappy in your old age.”
About a second after the words leave my mouth, a dish towel hits me square in the face. Can’t argue that my mom doesn’t have great aim. But I guess that’s what happens when your dad dies and your mom gets stuck throwing baseballs for you out in the yard.
“Have I taught you nothing?” She says sternly in reply, her perfectly arched brows drawing together, “Never call a woman old. Especially your mother.”
My lips curve as I laugh. “Lesson learned.”
For a few moments she works in silence, continuing to chop and prep the potatoes as I stare out the window that overlooks the backyard. It doesn’t take long for my thoughts to circle right back to Cassidy. No matter how hard I try to stop thinking about her, she’s never far from my mind. It would be completely aggravating if I wasn’t so into her. Even though we haven’t been seeing each other long, I like her. She’s kind of a walking contradiction. And I find that completely fascinating. At first she kind of struck me as a bit of a tough girl but the more I got to know her, the more chinks I found in her armor. The vulnerability buried beneath that hard shell of hers tears me up inside. And it makes me want to do everything within my power to protect her.
“Alright,” my mom finally asks, “who is she?”
My eyes snap to hers. “What are you talking about?”
Smiling patiently as if I’m not fooling her for a moment, which apparently I’m not, she continues cutting and chopping. The look she gives me is tenacious which means she won’t be letting this go until she’s been fully briefed.
Whether I want to tell her or not.
And I don’t.
Trying to downplay the whole thing, I finally admit, “Just a girl I’ve been seeing.”
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