Stay

by Jennifer Sucevic

  Luke gets to his feet as well before nodding to a table full of guys across the restaurant.

  Cole gives them a wave before clapping Luke on the shoulder. “Okay, well, I’ll see at practice tomorrow.”

  “Catch you later, man,” but even as Luke says the words, his eyes are crawling all over me. “It was nice seeing you again, Cassidy.” His words are light but there’s an undercurrent beneath them. Something that bothers me. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. I don’t know. I just know that I need to get out of here.

  I force a small smile. “You, too.”

  And then I practically sprint from the restaurant pushing out through the double doors into the brisk night. I suck in huge gulps of chilly air, needing to calm my racing heart. Needing to settle all the fear and anxiety bubbling up within me.

  What the hell am I going to do now?

  How can I possibly tell Cole everything that happened when I just lied to him? And Luke didn’t look convinced either. He remembers. He remembers the night I’ve tried so desperately to forget.

  The twisted thing about it is that without him… without him intervening, that night would have ended so much worse for me.

  It’s one thing for me to rehash last year without anyone else knowing the grizzly truth but now Luke is here. At Western. And he saw me at my absolute worst. He probably knows things that happened that I can’t even remember.

  Oh God…

  I just want to bury my face in my hands and sob.

  Even if I could have gone back to Dartmouth this year, I wouldn’t have. I would forever be the girl who crashed and burned. I had come to Western for a fresh start where no one knew anything about me. No rumors. No whispers. No ghosts from the past to haunt me.

  The little bit of salad I forced myself to choke down starts roiling almost dangerously in my belly and for one God awful moment I wonder if I’ll actually be sick right here in the middle of the parking lot.

  “Cassidy?” I jump as Cole lays a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay? You don’t look so good.” He searches my eyes in the darkness under the bright parking lot lights. Quickly I glance away not wanting him to see too much. I can’t do this. I can’t tell him the truth. Not now. My plan had been to get it all out in the open so there wouldn’t be any more secrets between us but I just can’t do it. The words are sticking in my throat like a huge lump.

  With trembling fingers, I carefully stroke my left temple. “I had a little bit of a headache before you picked me up tonight but now it’s really throbbing. Would you mind if we cut this short and you just drop me off at the dorms? I think I’ll feel better if I can lie down for a while.” It isn’t a total lie. Already I feel a massive headache brewing.

  Wrapping his arm around my shoulders, he pulls me close before softly pressing a kiss on the top of my head. “Of course. I’m really sorry about tonight.” He chuckles weakly. “It didn’t exactly go the way I planned.”

  I smile just a bit, relieved that in less than fifteen minutes I’ll be back at the dorms. And then I can sort through this whole mess. I can figure out what I’m going to do.

  As Cole drives me back to campus, I stare glumly out the passenger side window. Just like Cole, I too had imagined tonight going differently. Instead, all I’ve managed to do is heap even more lies onto the ones that will need to be untangled between us.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “Cass, please tell me what’s wrong.” Brooklyn gently strokes my back as I lay curled up in the middle of my bed. Once I returned to my room, I’d been unable to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. No matter what I do, they just won’t stop leaking from my eyes. “I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me.”

  What a fucking mess.

  That’s the only thought looping through my head right now.

  I can’t understand what Luke is doing here. At Western. He should be at Dartmouth. He should have forgotten everything by now. Forgotten me. But that’s not the case. He’s here. And if the look in his eyes is any indication, he remembers everything. He remembers me. And what happened.

  Yes, this is definitely a fucking mess.

  Brooklyn has been at my side ever since I stumbled through the door with tears streaming down my face. “Did you and Cole have a fight?” Her voice drops as she asks, “Did you break up?”

  I shake my head although, honestly, I think it might have been less painful if we had just ended it tonight. I don’t want to lose Cole. And yet it feels as if he’s slipping right through my fingers.

  I’d come to Western to forget about all the mistakes I’d made last year. I’d wanted to start over without the taint of everything continuously shadowing me. I didn’t want to be that girl. And now there was someone here at Western who could breathe life into the rumors all over again.

  “Cass, just tell me what’s wrong and we’ll work it out together, I promise.” She squeezes my shoulder lightly. “You know I’m here for you. I’ll help you out any way I can. You just have to tell me what’s wrong.” Her desperate voice turns pleading.

  Wiping my eyes, I finally haul myself up into a sitting position before searching Brooklyn’s concerned face. It’s obvious that my tears are scaring her. During the last two and a half months of us rooming together at Western, Brooklyn and I have become closer friends than when we were in high school. She’d been absolutely right when she’d said that I had let our friendship fall by the wayside. It hadn’t been a conscious decision on my part, but it had happened nevertheless. If there wasn’t hockey practice or games, then there’d been a strict workout schedule to adhere to or schoolwork to plow my way through. There just hadn’t been time for anything, or anyone, else.

  Including Brooklyn.

  Frowning, I shake my head at the thought.

  Searching Brooklyn’s worried green gaze, I realize what I’d forfeited in return. The irony, of course, was that I had ended up losing everything. Where had all my hard work landed me? What did I have to show for myself? No hockey scholarship, no prestigious college, no friends. And no family backing me up anymore.

  Maybe I owed it to Brooklyn to finally tell her the truth of what happened. Even though I hadn’t been a good friend, she was still here, standing by my side. Ready to offer her support. In that moment I realized that I needed her. I needed her friendship.

  And so, without thinking about the consequences, I just start talking. Babbling to get it out. I tell her everything.

  Everything.

  If the wide eyed look on her face is any indication, then Brooklyn is completely shocked by all of it. But throughout the entire story she remains silent. No comments, no questions, no judgment. She just sits beside me on the bed listening to every single word as it pours out of my mouth. When I’m finally finished, I collapse tiredly onto the stack of pillows behind me.

  Now that she’s been completely brought up to speed, I ask, “So what do I do now?”

  Without a word, she simply gathers me up into her arms, squeezing me tight. Her hands brush absently over my back. “Jeez, Cass, I had no fucking idea. I’m so sorry you went through that all by yourself.”

  I can’t help but sniffle. At least the tears have long since dried. And surprisingly, unburdening myself to her has somehow made me feel lighter. Emotionally exhausted, yes… but lighter none the less. I still don’t know what I’m going to do about Cole.

  Or Luke for that matter, but at least I don’t feel quite so alone in this anymore. And even though Dr. Thompson knows everything, she’s not my friend. She’s a counselor. It’s her job to offer comfort and support. To help problem solve.

  So, as much as I like her, she really doesn’t count.

  Knowing that Brooklyn’s opinion of me hasn’t changed actually makes all the difference in the world. And it only reinforces the notion that Brooklyn has always been my friend. Even when I wasn’t one to her.

  “So, do you have any ideas on just how I’m supposed to fix this cluster fuck?”

  A weak chuckle escape
s her lips as she mulls over my options. “Well, I think you have to tell him, Cass. You need to tell Cole everything you just told me before Luke does, because obviously he remembers you from Dartmouth.”

  Deep down, I knew that would be her answer.

  It’s clear that Luke hadn’t just stopped by our table for idle chitchat. My brows draw together because he could have forced the issue if he had wanted to. He could have outed me even though I’d denied knowing him or attending Dartmouth. So… why hadn’t he?

  That sick nauseous feeling is back in full force again.

  Nodding, I too realize there’s only one choice to be made. I have to tell Cole the truth and I need to do it before Luke does.

  “Or…” she hesitates before saying softly, “you could just stop seeing him. Totally distance yourself from the hockey team. If you’re not around them, then maybe Luke will forget about you… about what happened last year. Kind of an out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing.”

  Even though I don’t want to lose Cole, I turn the idea over in my head.

  “Yeah, but I’ll still worry that he’ll end up telling people what he knows.” Feeling miserable, my belly pinches with nerves. “I don’t think I can live through that again. If he starts spreading all the rumors, I’ll have to leave Western.” Even though that’s the last thing I want.

  Brooklyn’s face falls before she whispers, “I don’t want you to leave.” She looks genuinely distressed by the idea and once again I thank God she’s in my life again and that’s she’s such a supportive friend.

  My lips thin at the thought of starting all over again somewhere else. And leaving Brooklyn. She’s really the only one I can count on right now. Until Cole knows the truth and accepts me for who I am, I can’t include him. No matter how much I might want to. “I don’t want to leave either. I like it here.”

  Over the last two and a half months, Western has really started to feel like home to me. I’m enjoying my classes and rooming with Brooklyn. I like tutoring and the girls’ hockey team. After last year, I never thought I’d play on another hockey team again and it’s turned out to be awesome.

  And then there’s Cole. I think I fell for him that first night. And I’m still falling.

  It would be so difficult to leave all this behind and start over again.

  “What if you talk to him?”

  Feeling even more drained than before, I flop back onto the stack of pillows mounded up behind me. “Who, Cole?”

  “No,” eyes wide, she shakes her head slowly, “Luke.” Her serious gaze holds mine. More than anything I appreciate her trying to help me find a way out of this mess.

  But still, I can’t imagine sitting down and discussing what happened last year with him. “No. I can’t talk to him, Brook. I can’t relive that with him. We’re practically strangers and yet… he was there. He saw…” I shake my head feeling almost nauseous. “No, I just can’t do it.” As painful as it is, I know exactly what I need to do. “I can’t keep lying to Cole. I can’t do it anymore. If we’re going to keep seeing each other, he needs to know the truth. He needs to decide if I’m still the girl he thinks I am.” I hate the idea that what I need to tell him could ultimately change his opinion of me.

  Of who I am.

  “Of course he’ll still want you.” She grabs my hand before squeezing it tightly within her own. “He likes you, Cass. And what happened last year doesn’t change who you are, it makes you the person you are today.” Brooklyn seems so sure of what she’s saying. I wish I felt half as confident.

  “He likes who he thinks I am,” I whisper, “He doesn’t know the real me.” Because I’ve never given him the chance to see who that is. I’ve been too afraid.

  “Yes, he does. And so do I. What you just told me hasn’t changed what I think about you at all.” Then she adds, “I still love you. None of it makes a damn bit of difference. So you made a few mistakes. Who the fuck cares? We all make mistakes. None of us are perfect.” Her green eyes flash with fire. “And if he can’t see how wonderful you are, then screw him!”

  Tears instantly well in my eyes. Her words are exactly what I need to hear. “Thank you. That really means a lot to me.”

  Brooklyn smiles just a bit. “Well, it’s the truth.” Then she takes us right back to where we started. “So, what are you going to do now?”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The nerves in my belly seize as the front door swings open. It takes everything I have to force the words out. “Hi, um, is Cole here?”

  Alex meets my eyes for a moment before jerking his head towards the second floor. “He’s up in his room. You can go up.” With that he leaves me standing at the door before walking back into the living room where a bunch of guys from the hockey team are playing video games.

  Not wanting to make eye contact, I quietly slip past them before racing up the stairs, taking them two at a time. I have to get this over with before I completely lose my nerve and bale. Or before Luke suddenly decides to beat me to the punch.

  Inhaling a deep breath, I bring my hand up and force myself to knock on the closed door before hearing his muffled voice from the other side.

  Pushing it open, I find Cole sitting at his desk bent over a text book. He almost does a double take before quickly standing and walking over to me. His brows draw together as his eyes search my face. “Are you feeling better?”

  I almost wince because it’s just another lie for me to untangle.

  My shoulders slump at the thought. Instead of answering his question, I simply say, “I need to talk with you. Do you have a few minutes or are you too busy studying?” Feeling awkward and nervous, I gesture towards the books lying open on his desk. “It won’t take long.”

  His lips pull up slightly as he murmurs, “No, of course we can talk.” Then he reaches out, grabbing my hand before pulling me into a tight embrace. As my body leans into his, I squeeze my eyes tightly shut praying this won’t be the last time I’m with him like this. “I’m glad you stopped by.”

  It’s doubtful he’ll feel that way once I finish telling him everything. But he deserves the truth. He deserves to know who the girl he’s dating really is. And then he can decide if what I tell him matters.

  Silently Cole moves us towards the bed so we can sit down next to one another. My hands are still clasped in his. Unable to hold his eyes, my gaze skitters away. For just a few breathless moments, my eyes fly anxiously around the room, looking everywhere but at him. This is so much more difficult than I imagined it would be.

  Finally he says, “Cassidy?” Reaching out, he tenderly strokes the side of my face, “tell me what’s going on.”

  Now that I’m here, sitting right beside him, I don’t know how to start. It feels as if everything in my life led me to that one turning point. One bad mistake spiraling into another and then another until I was all but drowning in them.

  “Baby?”

  It tears me up inside to hear him call me that. Shaking my head, I stare down at my fingers which are knotted in my lap. I don’t want to see the shock and maybe even disgust that will very likely replace his concerned expression.

  “You wanted to know what happened to me…” My soft words trail off as I take a quick peek at him. He holds my cheek in the palm of his hand. His thumb slowly caressing my lips. It only makes me want to cry for all I’ll probably lose this night.

  “I do.” Leaning forward, he presses a gentle kiss against my mouth. I shudder, wanting to feel the warmth of him filling all the cold dark places within me. I thought it would be just a quick kiss, a little bit of reassurance but as it unfolds, he deepens it. Or maybe I do. I don’t really know. All I know is that I want him desperately.

  Feverishly.

  I need him.

  Somehow I want to hold onto Cole even though I’m not sure if that’s really possible anymore.

  As his tongue slips into my mouth, I whimper. Hot sparks of need shoot through my entire body. His hands slide slowly from my face to my shirt before he quickly pu
lls it over my head. Almost frantically I yank his shirt up as he unhooks my bra until we’re both naked from the waist up.

  “God, baby, I want you so badly.”

  Again his feverish mouth claims mine as his fingers mold themselves to my breasts, stroking my pebbled nipples before he leans down to suck one hardened bud into his mouth. I groan as my fingers thread their way through his messy dark hair. He releases my tightened peak before slowly kissing his way down to the waistband of my skirt. In the blink of an eye, I find myself flat on my back, my skirt sliding down my hips and then my legs. My panties quickly follow suit until I’m lying completely bare in the middle of his big soft bed.

  “I need to be inside you.”

  There’s an intensity lighting his golden eyes as they linger over every inch of me before sliding back up to hold my gaze. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Cassidy.” His words are thickly murmured and they do strange things to my insides. As one hand slides between my legs, he parts them, his eyes dropping to my wet heat.

  Shuddering at the feel of him touching me, I suck in a ragged breath as he gently lays a kiss upon me. And then I’m whimpering and writhing beneath him as he laps at my soft silky folds. Spreading my thighs further apart, he gently sucks my clit into his hot mouth. My body tightens, arching off the bed as every nerve ending in my body throbs and sizzles at the intense wave of pleasure that looms, threatening to pull me under.

  “Beautiful,” he whispers against my heated flesh before adding quietly, “and mine.”

  I squeeze my eyes tightly shut unable to bear thinking about whether that statement is true or not. But I can have him one last time. Just once more before I break his heart and he, in return, breaks mine.

  Without another word, he plunges his tongue deep inside me as he rubs the soft pad of his thumb against my clit in tiny little circles that make me feel as if I’m going to lose my mind. The moan that leaves my mouth is more of a low keening wail and I very nearly come off the bed as an orgasm streaks and sizzles its way through my rigidly held body. Even after I stop pulsating and throbbing, he still continues stroking me with both his fingers and mouth until I can’t bear one more moment of it.