Lily

by R. M. Walker

  “Education?” Nate asked in French.

  “What?” Lily was thrown, not expecting him to stay with her.

  “I suggest we discuss education, unless you’d prefer something else?” He turned his head slightly, his eyes focused on her.

  Lily looked up at the board, more to get her thoughts under control than to see what else was up there. “Okay, that’s fine,” she said.

  “French, Mademoiselle Adair,” Madam Fontaine called out, and Lily flushed.

  “Tell me about your last school, Lily May.” Nate’s French was flawless.

  “There’s not much to tell,” she replied. “It was bigger than this one, more students. About a thousand more. What’s your favourite subject?”

  “Biology. I want to be a dentist.”

  Lily’s eyes went wide, and she covered her mouth with her hand to stop a giggle escaping. “Really?”

  “French,” he reminded her in a whisper. “Yes, really. Is that so hard to believe?” he added, a touch of defensiveness in his voice.

  “No, of course not, just unexpected,” she replied with a shrug. “What subjects do you need for that?”

  “I need A’s in Chemistry, Biology, Physics and Maths. I’m studying them all here, so I hope to get into Uni next September.”

  “Maths? You aren’t in our maths class though.”

  “My physics class is then. I have Maths when you take Geography and the others are in Latin. I was fortunate that O’Connor let me sit in on his Year 12 classes and sets me different work.”

  “Couldn’t you drop French and take Maths then?”

  “I want to keep a language,” he murmured, pushing his glasses up his nose. Lily was beginning to get an idea of just how smart he was if Mr O’Connor was willing to make a placement for him to get A level maths.

  “I’m impressed,” she told him, smiling at him. His eyes dropped to her cheek, and she frowned. Did she have something on there? She lifted a finger to her face, but he caught her hand in his and smoothed his thumb over her cheek.

  “You have cute dimples when you smile,” he whispered. He stroked his finger gently over her cheek. But she wasn’t smiling now. His thumb was soft on her skin, a tiny caress that made her breath catch and her heart flip.

  “I know French is the language of love, Monsieur Cohen, but perhaps we can keep to the subjects on the board, no?”

  Nate shifted, dropped her fingers and pushed his glasses up his nose. Lily coloured up as Madame Fontaine patted Nate on the shoulder and carried on walking around the students. She looked back up at the board in an attempt to erase the feeling of his finger from her cheek.

  “What do you want to do when you leave?” Nate spoke up, and she looked back at him.

  “I have no idea,” she admitted. “I suppose try to get into a Uni somewhere, but I don’t know what I want to do ultimately.”

  “Your French is very good,” Nate pointed out. “What else are you taking?”

  “History, Geography, Maths, English Literature, and Language.”

  “Have you thought of anything at all?” He tilted his head to one side. His expression was open, and Lily felt relaxed again.

  “It’s all up in the air. Uni means staying in one place for three years, and I don’t know if my mum can do that.”

  The words were out before she’d even realised she was thinking them, and they came out in English. She looked around quickly, but Madame Fontaine was on the other side of the classroom. Her eyes caught the girl who had spoken to Nate yesterday. She couldn’t remember her name, but she was watching Lily, and the look on her face wasn’t pleasant. Lily rolled her eyes and looked back at Nate; she couldn’t be bothered with catfights over boys. In her experience, boys weren’t worth that kind of effort. She caught Nate’s eyes. He was watching her closely, concern on his face.

  Maybe there were some boys worth the effort.

  “Lily, if you want to go to University, go for it,” he said quietly. “You can get a shared room with other students. You don’t have to stay with your mum forever. It’s your life, Lily May. Live it.”

  She smiled sadly, looking down at his clasped hands on the table. “I want to be independent, but there are certain things I can’t do. I can’t take a bath unless someone is in the house with me. I can’t drive, I can’t be left alone in a kitchen. I nearly set our house on fire once. I was fourteen and we were in London. Mum was at the gallery, and I was home alone. We had a gas fire in the living room. I went in there to do my homework. I had a seizure and knocked everything off the coffee table. My homework got knocked into the fire and caught the rug on fire.”

  He slid his hands forward and gripped hers as she spoke. She looked up at him, putting a bright smile on her face. “It was okay. The fire alarms went off, and our neighbour called the fire brigade when they didn’t stop. They contained the fire to the room, and I was fine. We moved the next week.”

  “Shit, Lily May, that’s not okay,” he murmured. “You could have been killed.”

  “But I wasn’t.” She shrugged. “We learnt our lesson. I’m not left alone, and if for any reason I am alone, I don’t go anywhere near fires.” She tried to make a joke of it, but he didn’t laugh. He just gripped her hands tightly, his intense eyes watching her closely.

  “Have you ever hurt yourself during a fit?”

  “No more than the next person with epilepsy,” she shrugged, uncomfortable with talking about it. “Is that a ‘show me your scars and I’ll show you mine’ offer, Jonathan?” she joked. He dropped his head and looked at her over the top of his glasses, one eyebrow rose and a smirk tugged one side of his lips upwards. Lily’s insides squeezed together, he was wickedly gorgeous when he did that.

  “I like that idea, Lily May,” he murmured. “But it’s not Jonathan either.”

  “Will you ever tell me?” she asked, unable to keep the smile from her lips.

  “I might.”

  He held her eyes, his thumbs moving slowly in a gentle circle on the back of her hands.

  Madame Fontaine clapped her hands together to get everyone’s attention. Nate let go of her hands, and they turned in their seats to face the front again. Lily missed his touch.

  “Homework for tomorrow. Write up your conversations with each other today. Keep your verbs tight.”

  The overhead bell rang, and Lily stretched in her seat. Her headache had receded, and she felt content as she looked over at Nate.

  “You sure you don’t want to come over tonight? We can do the homework together,” he said, picking up his bag and slinging the handle over his head.

  She’d forgotten about it. In her conversation with him, she’d completely forgotten what her mother had said to her that morning. A black cloud descended over her head, and it wiped the smile from her face. She sat forward and picked up her bag.

  “Nate, I’m not sure—” She started to tell him what her mother had said and then remembered that his family was Matt. She couldn’t ask him to keep it quiet from Matt. She didn’t have that right.

  “Don’t worry, Lily. You’ve only just moved in. You’re probably still trying to get straight.”

  That wasn’t the problem though, the problem was that instead of unpacking, she could well be packing.

  Holding Hands

  By the time Matt dropped her off outside her gate, she was exhausted. She’d tried hard to keep it down all day by refusing to think about it. She was good at burying her head in the sand, so she’d spent the rest of the day keeping her mind as far from thoughts of moving as she could. With each lesson, she’d pushed herself to concentrate harder. It was easy to throw herself into her studies and shut the rest of the world out.

  Lunchtime found her once again sitting with them at their table in the canteen. The twins had mucked about the whole time, keeping Lily laughing at their antics until her face hurt.

  The car ride home was just as loud, with Josh and Jake messing about until Nate threaten
ed to make them walk. Matt stopped and Nate swapped seats with Josh, so that he was on the side and Josh was in the middle. Lily noticed that they seemed to calm down when they were beside each other. She also noticed how at any given time they seemed to be touching each other. Whether it was an arm around a neck or just sitting pressed against each other, there was contact between them of some sort.

  “Hey, Lily Flower,” Matt called out of his window as she started to open her gate. She looked back at him. “See you tomorrow,” he called.

  She made no reply, not sure what she could say to that. It all depended on what would be said once she got behind her front door. She lifted her hand in reply and smiled at them before going inside. She let her bag drop to the floor at her feet.

  “Mum? I’m home.”

  She heard a noise in the kitchen and went through, leaving her bag behind. Her mother was sitting at the table, a piece of paper in her hands. She looked up and Lily could see the lines of strain in her face before she smoothed them away with a smile.

  “Lily, did you have a good day?” she asked.

  Lily slumped into the chair opposite her. “It was okay. Mum, about this morning.”

  Her mother folded the paper and got up, putting it into the letter rack that stood on the shelf by the back door.

  “I was hasty,” her mother said quietly. Lily’s ear perked up, and she sat up, hopefully. “I didn’t really explain things properly to you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It was just an idea, not a hard and fast plan.” Her mother kept her back to her as she moved across to the sink. “I keep moving you around, and you’ve never complained. I’ve stolen your childhood from you, and I’m so sorry.”

  Lily processed her words and the regret behind them; she jumped to her feet and crossed to her. “Mum, you’ve stolen nothing from me.”

  “But I have.” Her mother turned and Lily saw the unshed tears in her eyes. “You’ve never had proper friends. You’ve never had sleepovers, a BFF, or whatever they’re calling best friends these days. You’ve never had a birthday party, had all your friends over…” she faded out sadly.

  “I’ve never wanted that. I can honestly say, hand on my heart, that I have never once regretted how we’ve lived. I didn’t miss anything, Mum.”

  “Until now. Something's happened, or you’ve met someone, and you’ve realised what you’ve never had.”

  “No, it’s not like that.” Lily flapped her hands slightly and then bit her lip. “I have met someone; I’ve met some people that I really like. They’ve accepted me into their group, they’ve made me feel welcome, and I like it. Matt…” She faded out, guilt wormed its way in over making her mother sad.

  “You keep mentioning him.” Her mother smiled. “I’ll take care of things, I promise. It’ll be fine. You’re not a child anymore, and I have to remember that.”

  Lily blushed as she realised her mother thought she liked Matt as more than a friend. Truth be told she liked them all a little too much, but something she said caught at her.

  “What do you mean take care of things?”

  “What? Oh, I just mean I’ll go off for a day trip somewhere and paint what I see. I don’t have to contain myself to just painting the manor. The sea isn’t far; I can paint some seascapes.”

  Something about her mother’s bright words didn’t ring true, but Lily didn’t push it. She was too excited with the possibility that she could stay.

  “So, we’re staying then?” she asked tentatively. She held her breath and watched as her mother turned from the sink and pulled her into a hug that Lily returned easily.

  “Yes, dear, we’re staying here for as long we can.”

  Lily squealed and kissed her mother’s cheek noisily. “Thank you! Thank you!”

  “Don’t deafen me.” Her mother laughed, but it was still strained, and when Lily pulled back to look at her, there were tears in her eyes again. The guilt returned stronger.

  “Mum, do you really need to go?” she asked quietly.

  “No, I don’t. I want you to have a fantastic year. I want you to do all the things you want to do. I want you to make friends and be free, Lily. I just want you to be happy.”

  “I am happy.”

  “Good. No more now, it was a moment of madness. I’ll fix us something to eat and then we can sit down and watch a film together. I feel as if we haven’t spent any time together for ages.”

  Lily grinned at her mother and hugged her again. “I’ll get my homework done quickly.”

  She went back to get her bag. Her heart was feeling much lighter now that she knew she was staying. But there was a tiny niggling doubt that her mother was only doing it for her.

  ***************

  Lily woke up suddenly from a deep sleep. There was someone in her room.

  Fear held her tightly, her heart beating, eyes wide against the darkness of the night. She gripped the blankets in her hands and held her breath, her ears strained to listen carefully. Silence was the only thing she heard and there was no movement. She moved her hand carefully until she could feel the switch on her bedside lamp. She flicked it on and sat up, her heart thumping as she looked around her room. Her empty room.

  She let her breath out on a whoosh. She must have dreamt it. Her heart was still beating madly as she looked towards her window. Her curtains were open, but she couldn’t see out with the light on. She looked around her small room once more and then switched off the light. Slipping from the bed, she crossed to the window seat to look for stars. The angle was awkward, so she slid the sash window up and leant forward. The scent of the trees and the distant smell of the sea drifted on the breeze and she inhaled deeply, her eyes closing as she leant on her arms.

  “Lilith.”

  She almost fell forward out of her window, her eyes flying open. It was a whisper on the breeze, coming from outside not behind her. She pulled back into the safety of her room, her hands on the sash, ready to slam it down. She searched the dark shadows of the garden, but she couldn’t see anyone. Her eyes went to the tree line, seeing nothing except the dark shapes of the bushes and trees. Sighing heavily, she shook her head. She wasn’t usually fanciful. Maybe the stress of the last couple of weeks was playing with her head. She slid the window down, leaving it open a few inches, and got back into bed. There was no one there, and no one had called her name.

  ***************

  When her alarm woke her, she felt heavy headed, as if she hadn’t slept very well at all. Her dreams were an odd collection of things; something to do with her mother, but when she tried to capture any of it they drifted away like cobwebs on the breeze.

  Breakfast was coffee, toast, and a quick look through the newspapers. It was one of the first things her mother did wherever they went, sometimes even before she connected the electric. She would find the nearest newsagents and put in for three newspapers to be delivered daily. The national newspaper, the local newspaper to the area, and one of what her mother called the gutter newspapers. Lily had asked why she had the gutter newspaper if she thought it was trash. Her reply was that they tended to report on things that were ridiculous but sometimes the ridiculous was true. The answer had confused her then, and it still did now. She hurriedly turned the page, quickly hiding the image of a scantily dressed female displaying her breasts for all the readers to see.

  “Lily, I want to get some pictures of the manor in the twilight. Mr Crowder has said I can go along this evening. He’s invited us to dinner with them. I think you may have met Matt anyway, haven’t you?” she asked casually, but the smile on her lips told Lily she was teasing.

  “I may have done,” she said, refusing to bite. She looked back down at the story of a woman who claimed her dog was taken by aliens for experimentation and then returned as a cat. Did people believe this stuff?

  “Good, we’re to get there for six. I got the impression dinner will be a semi-formal affair.”

  “I have to wear
a tux?” Lily inquired, sending her mother a wink.

  “Yes, and spats,” her mother replied. Lily laughed and checked her watch; she had to make a move or be late again. She got up, taking her dishes to the sink, and then grabbed her bag. She dropped a kiss on her mother’s head and headed towards the front door.

  “Take your coat. It’s supposed to rain later!” her mother called. Lily grabbed her jacket from the peg and stuffed her feet into her shoes. They were nicely broken in, and she didn’t need to undo the laces anymore.

  “See you, Mum.” She called out her goodbye and headed out of the door, banging it shut behind her as she slung her bag over her shoulder. There was no sign of the others yet, but she was a few minutes early. She didn’t want them to have to call for her again, or worse, leave without her because she was unreliable.

  She sat on the wall that edged the front garden and looked up and down the road. Three identical cottages stood opposite hers, and that was the sum total of Derry’s Lane. Looking left she could see the road was lined with hedges and trees, some of them just starting to turn in colour with the approach of autumn. The national speed limit signs, set just after the last cottage, showed it was the edge of the village. She looked down the other way towards the green and sighed. It was beautiful here. Small, but really beautiful. There was a stillness here that settled her deep inside.

  She heard a car and turned her head thinking it was Matt, but it was a dark car coming down the road. As it neared, it slowed right down until it was level with her. The front windows were tinted and it wasn’t until it slid down that she could see anyone inside. A man sat in the driver’s seat, a smile on his handsome face.