Haden
Haden
Shadows are dancing across my bedroom ceiling. The clock on my nightstand announces the time to be half past twelve, and I should be sleeping. We’ll be having practice tomorrow, and a long one at that, because the most important games of the season are coming. Coach will be riding our asses until after eight, and we’ll start off the day with a running practice at seven, but still sleep evades me. I’m uneasy, and have been since the bonfire.
Camou was with us as usual, but there was something different about everybody.Our whole group. More serious than usual, a weird tension hanging in the air. I’ve been watching Dan, and I think he’s developed a crush on my best friend.
I contemplated teasing him about it, but somehow the thought that maybe, just maybe, Camou could go out with him bothers me. She’s my best friend. She doesn’t need anyone else.
I admit my line of thought is a big mistake since I’ve dated girls before, but that’s different. I’d have run out on each and every one of them for Camou. Hell, I did run out on one of them when Camou broke her finger six months after coming here.
Sitting up, I wonder what has me so agitated. Standing from the bed, I cross over to the window and find a full moon shining down on me. It might be the reason for my restlessness, I tell myself, then my cell lights up on my nightstand. I turn on the ‘do-not-disturb’ mode at night so only Camou, my parents, and a few of my closest friends can get through, meaning this is something important.
Camou’s name lights up the screen and I throw myself flat on the bed, reaching for my phone.
“What’s wrong?” My throat’s constricting even though she hasn’t said a word yet. That girl never calls me up during the middle of the night. She hadn’t even when the army told her and her family that Scott was gone.
“Haden?”
Cold engulfs me and I sit up on the bed, back straight, as if Mr. Heart could see me then.
“Yes, Sir?”
I’ve met Camou’s father a couple of times. A military man, strict and yet devoted to his daughter.
“Tell me Camou is at your place.”
I sputter in disbelief because, as often as she wanted to stay over when we were playing games or watching action movies, she never once was allowed, and respecting her parents too much, she’d always left, too.
“Sir?” I ask, not sure what he’s trying to say.
“Please, just say she’s with you right now. I won’t be mad. No one here will. She can even stay. We just need to know—”
Worry settles like lead in my stomach and I cross my room in the dark, finding track pants and a sweaterblindly. “Are you saying she’s not home?”
A long silence meets my statement and I know she’s not. My mind’s spinning, my stomach turning as if I’m riding a rollercoaster and can’t get off.
“We were hoping she was with you. Moira told me our daughter has seemed off to her all night, but I didn’t think about it closer. She’s a girl, and puberty seems to have hit her harder lately. We called her boyfriend too, but then already knew if she’d run it would be to you.”
Boyfriend?
“I don’t know what you mean, Sir,” I tell him honestly. Slipping into my sneakers, I walk down the stairs, hoping my mother didn’t fall asleep on the couch again. I don’t have the patience or the calm to discuss this with her now. I’m going out to find Camou, no matter how long it takes.
“That nice boy who picked her up a couple of times. Darker hair than you. I forgot his name. Shouldn’t have, but did anyway,” he contemplates.
“He’s not her boyfriend, and his name is Dan,” a warm, female voice stage-whispers and I know it’s Moira Heart, Camou’s mother.
Dan has been dating my best friend and she hasn’t even bothered to tell me. Anger and jealousy war inside of me, confusing me more than I want to admit.
Worrying my piercing with my teeth until the pain clears my head a little, I walk through the dark hallway. The house is silent, my mother asleep and my brother, just two years younger, hopefully, too. When I step out into the porch the world is brighter than it had been inside the house, the full moon beckoning me to search every shadow.
“I’m going to find her, Sir,” I assure him because, for me, there is no other option. I have to be the one to find Camou. The drive is undeniable inside of me, and though I have no place to start, I walk over to my truck.
“We’re out searching for her, too. Call me on her phone if you find her, okay? And Haden?”
“Sir?”
I wait as a beat of silence spreads between us. “Find her. I think you might be the only one she’s willing to talk to.”
He hangs up before I can say more, but then a thought hits me. He gave me the right hint because there is one other person Camou would die to talk to. Forcing the keys into the engine, I back my truck out of the driveway. Sheer force of will keeps me from speeding, but the one thing Camou doesn’t need right now is me in an accident because I couldn’t wait that one second longer to make sure she’s all right.
Camou
Camou
The vodka is burning as it goes down my throat. I found it in Scott’s stash. Actually,finding is the wrong word. I knew exactly where he hid his alcohol, have known since I turned fourteen and he considered me old enough and responsible enough to not drink myself into a coma.
And I never touched any of it until now. There was something about the way Scott didn’t forbid you things, but tried to teach you to act responsible. For a girl like me, so unlike any other girl my age, that made all the difference in the world.
Even now, sitting next to his grave, I only took five sips of the liquor. It doesn’t taste good and it sure doesn’t make me feel better.
“I don’t know what’s happening, Scott. Things get so confusing, and dating sucks. I mean, I am trying. You cannot blame me if it doesn’t work out. I don’t know anything anymore, Scott. Where the hell are you when I need you?” Tears have been streaming down my cheeks since I came. Actually, I think they started even before that, back when I was sitting in my bedroom, feeling the walls close in on me.
I wanted to run, and I did. Mom and dad were asleep, and so was Rose. Lucky for me. Knowing I planned to drink, I skipped taking my car. I don’t like it anyway. I prefer Lowell’s truck, but well, I’m not going to bother him just because I’m weak.
I lift the bottle again, but do nothing more than wet my lips with the vodka. I seriously dislike the taste of this. Putting the cap back on, I throw the bottle to the ground at my feet and pull up my legs, resting my forehead against my knees.
The night’s clear, just like the day has been, and I enjoy the quiet call of owls and bats around me, but the raging sadness inside of me doesn’t vanish. No matter that I cried all afternoon, and just briefly stopped to act normal during dinner. Or pretend to be acting normal. Mom’s been watching me since this morning, as if she felt the breakdown coming, but I can’t bring myself to care. If I’m lucky they won’t notice how terrible I feel.
Scott’s death has torn a hole inside of me, and alongside it something different opened. I suddenly wish I had at least one close female friend, so I could get a hug every now and then. I long to read romance novels and dream about them at night.
Okay, the last part isn’t new, but the intensity with which I want to read them almost knocks me back. I’m looking for a perfect world; one where everything is okay and brothers don’t die.
“I’m a mess, Scott. No one understands me. No one besides you ever did. Even Haden can’t… He sat with me all day. We went through all of our classes together, and he didn’t even realize something was wrong. I never noticed how little guys care about the people at their table.”
And I can’t. I shake my head. The realization that I wanted him to notice is like a sucker punch to my stomach. I sat next to him during lunch and was bleeding all over the floor—figuratively, not literally—and none of the guys noticed. Okay, that’s a lie. Dan cornered me later, askin
g me if everything was all right, but Dan can’t understand.
He doesn’t know anything about Scott and me. Only Haden was close enough to both of us, and he simply looked over me, told me bye after school and that was it.
Jeesh, fresh tears pool in my eyes and my heart cracks all over again. I know exactly what’s going on here and it doesn’t make anything better. In fact, it makes everything worse.
“Why are guys such assholes?” I ask out loud, not expecting an answer because, well, there’s no one there to talk to me, when suddenly from behind a voice replies.
“Because we either say what’s bothering us or don’t expect anyone to drill it out of us. Camou…”
“You, of all people.” The words slip out before I can tell my brain to only think them.
“Of course, Camou. You’re my best friend, and yes, I might be an idiot, but still.” I don’t turn because I cannot deal with seeing him. I’m surprised at his answer. I’d have expected an angry retort, or a sarcastic remark, but not this.
He sits down next to me, his warmth seeping into me instantly. “What’s going on, girl?”
I think this is the first time he’s ever called me that, and I wonder if this means our friendship is shifting. I’m terrified suddenly, because I don’t think we could survive a shift. I couldn’t. Losing Scott, and then Haden’s friendship so closely after? No, it would be my death for sure.
“I miss him.” The words are out before my mind had time to conjure them up. And this is really all it boils down to. “I miss him so incredibly much. I cannot believe he left me.” The tears are back, huge and ugly, accompanied with snot and sobbing, but Haden doesn’t run.
Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised because Haden Lowell isn’t the guy to back down from a challenge, and I cannot help but think that for him, a crying girl is just that: a challenge.
Haden
Haden
God, I’ve been missing so much, and I don’t know why. I’ve known Camou is a girl. Come on, she has breasts, and even as her best friend I can’t miss that fact. I never thought about the fact though, that she might need someone to ask her what’s on her mind.
Stupid, I know, but with guys you just punch them in the arm once, call them fucker and, either they tell you if something is bothering them, or they deal with it by themselves. It’s the male way, and sadly it didn’t bleed into Camou, even when she was hanging with us so much.
Her sobs zip through me like needles, pricking every part of my body. Even during the funeral, she hadn’t been in this much distress and I wish I could punch ghosts.
I called her parents the moment I spotted her up here by Scott’s grave, and they told me to just make sure she came home that night—or stayed at my place, but I won’t lie, I couldn’t deal with that. Sharing a bed with her now, after a night like this? It would be awkward at best, and ruin our friendship at worst.
I hug her, glad she’s oblivious to my internal dialogue. It takes forever until she calms down, and I stay silent because there is nothing I can tell her, nothing at all. Scott didn’t leave her, and we both know if he could, he’d be here. Maybe he even is. I’ve never been into the whole spiritual thing.Still, I can’t help but think that he somehow kept me awake until my cell flashed. Had I been asleep, Mr. Heart’s call would’ve gone unanswered.
“You should’ve come to my place,” I whisper, touching the tip of my foot to the vodka bottle on the ground.
“Then what?” Her voice is thick with tears and I touch her chin.
“You could’ve gotten properly drunk under supervision,” I announce, wanting to make her smile.
“Drinking was a stupid idea,” she mutters and I nod. She can’t be too drunk because her words aren’t slurred and it makes me breathe a sigh of relief.
“Did anything happen to make you feel like you felt today?” I ask her. I don’t know what to do. I’m so out of my element, it’s not even funny. I never realized how little I cared about any girl I dated since I met Camou, because the moment they had tears in their eyes I was ready to run. With her I don’t want to, but instead I’d rather work for that smile.
“No, I just got up,” she confesses and I mentally go back to when I picked her up that morning. She’d given me only a half smile and then stared out of the window. We didn’t chat all the way to school, but even for us this morning it had been silent.
God, I’m such an idiot. I blame it on the fact that just being around her puts me at ease, so I assumed it’s the same for her. She hasn’t moved out of her weird position, and I awkwardly hold my arm around her when she finally uncurls herself and I pull her in my lap to properly hug her. She’s still trembling and I wonder if she’s trying to hold back the tears.
“It’s okay to cry,” I promise her and rest my lips against the top of her head.
“It’s not.” Her voice is broken, hitching at the words and I squeeze her tighter to me.
“Go ahead, girl. Maybe it’s exactly what you need. You can’t stay strong forever, you know? Sometimes we all need to break down and crumble to the floor,” I tell her, hoping that my words are assuring instead of stupid, as they feel to me. I’m not a romantic guy, or overly emotional most of the time. Or maybe I am, but never noticed because no one ever tickled that side out of me. Either way, I’m the guy who always says the wrong thing at the wrong time.
However, I felt like crumbling earlier, when parking my truck at the entrance to the graveyard. Too many what ifs had been running through my head:
What if she wasn’t there?
What if she was hurt?
What if I weren’t the person able to help her?
What if I mess up and hurt her more?
What if I lose her over this?
Worrying is new to me, too. I never had to with Camou because she was by my side, and with her in my corner the world could fuck off. Every fight, every sucky game, Camou made it all better in the end just by being there, having a pizza with me.
I’ve never noticed how dependent I am on her until just now.
She stars to sob again, her shoulders shaking against me and I wonder if I can pull her even closer without hurting her. Her head’s on my shoulder and I’m warm despite the fact that the night has turned cool. The moon is shining down on us and I wonder what people.
Would they think we were together? Siblings? Friends comforting each other?
“Hey, you’re dating Dan?”
“I don’t even like him,” she mutters against my shoulder and a chuckle bubbles up my chest. “Besides, it was a movie and dinner. Well, diner,” she then adds and I have to shift her because my ass is going numb, but I’m not letting her go until I know she’s going to be okay for the moment.
“Why date him then?”
“I promised Scott I’d be a girl and date, find love and all that,” she whispers. I should’ve known. Only her brother could get her to do something she’s not keen on doing.
“You don’t want to date, so don’t do it. Your time will come.” And hopefully I won’t be around because I have a feeling I’ll knock out every ass who sees more of her than I am.
“I don’t want to date Dan,” she clarifies quietly, and I swallow too loudly even for my own ears.
“Who do you want to date?” I probably shouldn’t have asked. I don’t really wanna know, but she always listened to me when I told her I liked some girl or the other. And I’m her best friend. Maybe for once I can be her wingman.
“I don’t know.” I can hear the despair dripping from those words, the hopelessness she seems to feel, and I have to bite my cheeks to not laugh. When I have myself under control a little more, I clear my throat.
“You know, you can’t date unless you know whom you wanna date,” I tell her and she giggles.
It’s a female sound, slightly edged with hysteria, but it seems to ebb away slowly. And yes, she usually is one of the boys, but tonight? Tonight I take anything happy, and if that’s a giggle, so be it.
Carrying her inside
is a first for me. I don’t think I’ve ever carried anyone before, and it’s weird to bring her from my truck to her bed. I didn’t even offer her to stay at my place because… I don’t know. My heart’s racing in my throat at the idea, and I tell myself it’s because I can’t do that to Dan. No matter if they are an item or not, Camou hasn’t told him she doesn’t even like him.
Yeah, that must be it.
Her mother opens the door, and I wordlessly bring her up. I’ve been around a couple of times, but Camou tends to come over to my place. I have the boy-heaven with game consoles and all, while her parents still consider her their little girl.
In her room I place her on the bed, aware of the eyes on me, and yet I don’t move away instantly. No, I pull her shoes from her feet and then tuck her in, pulling her blanket up until it rests under her chin. She’s out like a light and I think it’s probably for the best. I have no idea what other things would’ve changed tonight had she stayed awake longer.
Watching her for another second, I have to admit to myself I’d have stayed with her, in that graveyard until sunrise if she’d have needed it.
“Son?”
Her father stands in the doorway behind me, and I nod at him over my shoulder before stepping back, following him down the hall to the ground floor.
“Thank you, Haden. Where did you find her?”
I scratch the back of my neck, wondering why her parents hadn’t thought of checking the graveyard.
“At Scott’s grave, Sir. Camou has a tendency to talk to him when things get confusing,” I explain.
“You brought her back. We cannot thank you enough,” he tells me.
I nod, thinking about proper protocol. Do I just excuse myself and leave, or do I have to wait out what else they have to say?
Leave, I decide.
New Love Page 33