The Unblocked Collection

by Marni Mann

  I needed to be with her, and I knew she needed me.

  “The woman in that room is her family,” Derek said. His voice startled me as this was the first time he’d spoken since we’d gotten on this floor. “There’s no way she’s going to wait until the morning to see her. She needs to be with her now.”

  “Sir, please—”

  “Your policy can’t possibly keep family away in situations like this,” he added. “If you’re unwilling to cooperate, I’ll need to consult my lawyer to see what she says about it…”

  As I squeezed his hand, I felt the nurse’s eyes on me. I returned her cold stare. I had nothing to add to what Derek had said. It felt like everything inside me had been sucked out. There were only tears left, and those I wasn’t able to stop.

  “You cannot make a sound once you’re inside,” she said. “And you can’t stay all night. Just a little while—”

  “Go,” Derek said, interrupting her and gently pushing me toward the door. “I’ll wait for you out here.”

  I tried to ask him why he wasn’t coming with me…my mouth opened, but no words came out. He nodded his head, confirming again that he’d wait, and I moved through the door.

  The latch clicked into place and locked behind me as the noise inside the unit hit me. Beeping. There was so much of it, all at different intervals and volumes. All I could smell was rubbing alcohol, bleach, and antiseptic. It was so pungent it burned my nose. Each room was divided by panes of glass; closed curtains gave the patients privacy from their neighbors. The front of the bays were completely open to make the beds easily viewable. Names and codes were written in marker on the front glass. I didn’t bother to look at them. I looked for her face, for her eyes; I searched for the warmth I felt whenever I was near her.

  I reached the fourth room and felt no warmth at all. In fact, it felt like an air conditioning vent had opened inches above my head. A chill ran through my body as I looked at her face and arms—the only parts of her that weren’t covered.

  I rushed to her side, taking her delicate hand gently in my own. Her eyes were closed, her cheeks sunken. Her face was ashen. “Anna,” I whispered. I didn’t want to wake her, but I wanted her to know I was there.

  “Is that my doll?” she whispered back. Her eyes slowly opened, bloodshot, with a hazy film coating them.

  This wasn’t happening…it couldn’t be. I wanted to be strong—for her, for me, for any bit of hope that might remain. But her lips were so dry and cracked, and her breathing was so shallow. There were machines behind her that cried out continuously, and an IV in her hand, and wires snaking out from beneath the blanket.

  “What happened, Anna?”

  She turned her head, resting her cheek on the pillow. It looked like she didn’t have the energy to hold it straight. “Pancreatic cancer, doll. I got the diagnosis a few months ago.”

  Pancreatic cancer? And she’d known…for months?

  I was doing everything I could to keep the wine in my stomach. I knew what that diagnosis meant, how small the recovery rate was. One of the residents in my building had received the same diagnosis a few years ago. He’d undergone surgery and still only lasted a few years.

  That wouldn’t be my Anna. She’d fight. She’d beat it. She had to.

  I pulled the chair as close as I could get it so I didn’t have to reach for her. “I wish you would have told me.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t,” she said weakly. “But I didn’t want you to constantly worry and stop your life because I’m sick. I don’t like to be hovered over, and I know that’s what you would have done.”

  She was right; that’s what I would have done—stopped my life to dote on her. If she was sick, I was sick. But I didn’t get that option.

  “What are they doing for you?” I glanced at the IV stand, reading the words that had been printed on each of the bags. “Are they making you better?”

  “They’re making me comfortable.”

  “What about surgery?”

  “I’m not a candidate.”

  I could tell it took so much out of her to answer, but I wasn’t going to stop my frantic questioning. I had to get to the bottom of this. I had to solve it. I had to. “What about chemo? Alternative treatments? There must be clinical trials going on that we can get you into.”

  She moved her other hand so it rested on top of mine. I looked at her skin, the way it wrinkled over her veins, the age spots that freckled it. “They were hoping the chemo would help with the pain,” she said. “And it did for a little while…but my body couldn’t handle it, so they had to stop. There’s no more treatment.”

  No more…

  Had I seen this coming and ignored the signs? She’d been thin for as long as I could remember, but definitely not this thin. She’d never had a huge appetite, but she’d stopped nibbling on the sweets I brought her after only a few bites. She’d complained of stiffness in her joints and muscle pain, so I’d had the treadmill delivered to her apartment. She’d been pushier lately when it came to stating her opinion. She’d always been one to give it, but never quite like now, and never as persuasive as she had been about Derek.

  Why hadn’t I recognized her sickness?

  “Are you in pain now?” The names of the drugs on the IV bags told me they were trying to manage it, but I could see in her eyes the effect it was having on her physically.

  “No, doll. They’re taking it all away.”

  Taking it all away. I didn’t like the sound of that. I knew in the end it wasn’t just her pain that would be taken away.

  My Anna.

  My chest tightened. It felt like it was going to crack down the middle.

  My Anna…

  “What can I do for you, love?” I rested my cheek against her hand. Her skin was cold and so soft and smelled of alcohol—not the cherry blossoms I was so accustomed to. “How can I make you feel better?”

  “You being here is enough.”

  “There must be something more.” I felt so helpless, so useless.

  “Well…there’s a box in the back of my closet.” She stopped to take a breath and struggled to fill her lungs. “It has your name written on it. I’d like you to get it.”

  I lifted my face from her hand. “Right now?”

  “No, doll. After I’m gone.”

  A rush of panic washed over my chest and got caught in the back of my throat. I couldn’t hear that word…not from her.

  “What are you saying, Anna?”

  I could see the life slowly leaving her eyes. Every cell in my body seized in sorrow.

  Hands gripped my shoulders, and I jumped and gasped. I knew the strength, the touch. Derek’s embrace was exactly what I needed at that moment. But all I could focus on was Anna’s cold hand in mine, and the cold knowledge of the life that was draining from her.

  “Baby, I’m here,” he said from behind me. He wrapped his arms around my neck, and his beard brushed against my cheek.

  Was this really happening or was I imagining this moment? Derek and Anna finally meeting…in the hospital. Where she was dying of cancer.

  Derek placed his hand on ours. He brought the warmth that was missing from this room. “Anna,” he said. “You’re even more beautiful in person than in the pictures at Frankie’s condo.”

  “Derek…finally.” There was a weak smile on her face as she spoke his name. “You’re what I wished for. What I’ve wanted for her.”

  I watched the two of them, their eyes taking each other in, knowing it was a moment I didn’t want to miss.

  “Frankie loves you so much,” he said.

  I tasted the salt on my lips.

  “And I love her,” Anna told him.

  They were talking as though I weren’t in the room, as though I was just going to stand up in a few minutes and leave Anna alone in here. I wasn’t going anywhere. Derek needed to know that.

  “Tell them I’m staying,” I said.

  Anna’s thumb curled around my fingers. She brushed the pad back and forth o
ver my skin. “You can’t stay here tonight, doll. I need my sleep, and you need yours. Go home and come back in the morning.”

  I shook my head. “No, Anna…”

  She raised her hand for Derek to take. It looked so tiny in his large palm. “Take care of her.”

  “I will.”

  “Love her and listen to her. Let her be Frankie.”

  “I promise,” he answered.

  Her thumb pressed against my skin. Even a gesture that small took so much out of her. Her lids were getting heavier, her breath slowing. “I’m so proud of you, and I love you so much. Love you like you’re my own daughter, Frankie Jordan.”

  “I am,” I whispered.

  “Yes. You are.”

  I tried to breathe, but I couldn’t. “I have so much I need to say, Anna.”

  “We’ve never needed words, doll. I feel it. I always have.”

  “But…” I could barely see her through the haze of tears that wouldn’t cease.

  I couldn’t let her go.

  “Baby, it’s time.”

  My body was moving. The cushion of the seat was no longer underneath me and my face was now so close to hers. I pressed my lips against the softness of her skin. So thin and hollow and cold now. “I love you, Anna.”

  Her hand cupped my face. “And I love you.”

  I felt Derek hug my waist, and suddenly I was moving again. My feet weren’t on the ground, they were in the air, my body too. Derek’s strong arms were holding me, carrying me out of the room. As he pressed me against his chest, air rushed over my face, chilling the tears on my cheeks.

  “Hold on,” he said in my ear. “We’re almost out of here.”

  I didn’t know if I was holding on, but I knew I was holding in.

  Another breeze washed over me as he brought me through a second doorway. This one wasn’t as strong; it still hurt, it still stung, it still shackled my throat making it hard to breathe.

  I heard a thud as he pushed up against something. We were no longer moving. A bright light shined above us. It made my eyes burn.

  And then we were dropping. Dropping, dropping, dropping until we hit something hard beneath us. I felt pressure…Derek squeezing me.

  “I’m here, and I’m not letting you go,” he said. “You can let it out now, Frankie. Cry as hard as you want to now.”

  I lifted my head and saw that I was on his lap; he sat against a wall, on some floor in some unfamiliar space that still smelled like alcohol and bleach. He held my face as I stared into his eyes. He didn’t pretend to comfort me. He knew he couldn’t.

  Nobody could.

  “Let it out, baby. It’s okay.”

  So I stopped holding it all in. I cried, I roared. I raged. I turned myself inside out trying to wring the pain from my soul. No matter how hard I tried, there was always more.

  “Baby,” he said against my ear. The softness of his flannel rubbed over my cheek. It was wet from soaking in my tears. But I could barely feel it. I could barely feel anything. “I’m here.”

  Hearing him say that again made me weep even harder.

  FIVE.

  DEREK

  USING FRANKIE’S CODE, I opened the gate to her underground garage, parked in a spot near the elevator, and turned off the engine. She was curled in a ball in the corner of my Suburban, her knees tucked inside my flannel, strands of her hair stuck to her cheeks. Tears streamed down her face, dampening the window she rested against.

  Once she went into the ICU, I’d gotten the nurse to open up a little about Anna’s health. She told me her cancer had spread from her pancreas and was now everywhere. The oncologist didn’t know how Anna had tolerated the pain for as long as she had without being heavily medicated. And now her organs were shutting down, and she wasn’t getting enough oxygen. She wasn’t expected to live through the night. I didn’t mention any of this to Frankie; I hadn’t needed to. The minute I’d gotten her back into my car, she told me she knew she wouldn’t be seeing Anna again.

  For the first time since we’d been together, I didn’t know how to fix how she was feeling. I didn’t know how to make her feel better, or how to take the pain away. It fucking tore me apart.

  I opened the passenger door and unclipped her seatbelt. “Wrap your arms around my neck,” I told her.

  She made no effort to move. “I can walk.”

  “You don’t need to. I’ve got you.”

  Instead of waiting for her, I draped her arm around me and hoisted her into the air. She clung to me, pressing her face into my neck as we rode the elevator. When we reached her room, I laid her on top of the bed and slowly removed the flannel. I took off her tank top and pants and tucked her under the covers. The emptiness in her eyes was like a goddamn punch in the gut.

  I dropped her clothes into the hamper and moved toward the door.

  “Don’t leave.” Her voice was so quiet, almost child-like.

  “I’m just getting you some water. I’m not leaving.”

  She tugged the blanket up to her neck and folded it under her chin, and I went to the kitchen. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and set it on her nightstand. Then I stripped off my own clothes and climbed in next to her, pulling her back against my chest.

  “I don’t feel anything, Derek.”

  I wrapped my arm around her stomach and rested my chin on her shoulder, rubbing my whiskers over her skin while I breathed in her scent. “You’re in shock.”

  “No, I’m completely numb. She’s dying…I should feel something, shouldn’t I?”

  “It’s probably a good thing. When it finally hits, it’s going to hurt like hell.”

  She rolled over to face me. My fingers moved around to her back, and she lifted them to her face. “Thank you.”

  I brushed the hair from her cheeks and wiped her eyes. The moon lit them just enough to see what she was thanking me for. “You don’t have to do that.”

  “I want to.” She blinked, but there were no tears. “Tonight would have been a lot for anyone, but you didn’t pause…not for a second.”

  “This won’t be the only time you break down. I’ll be there for you the next time, too.”

  When she took a deep breath, I could feel how much it pained her. “This hurts even more than when my mom died. I was only four at the time…I didn’t know what was really happening then. But I’m old enough now to know what all of this really means.”

  I held her face a little tighter and moved mine closer. “I won’t let you go through this alone.” She closed her eyes and nodded as I ran my thumb along her ear and down over her lip.

  “I’m not too numb to not feel that,” she whispered. My fingers traveled down to her neck. “Or that.” I exhaled, and she closed her eyes. “That, too.”

  I pressed my lips on hers, not using enough pressure for her to open her mouth, but enough for her to feel me, to know how close we were. She breathed into me so deeply, it came out as a moan. My dick responded more than I wanted it to. Her naked body was clutched against mine, her nipples rubbing my chest and the heat from her pussy on my thigh. My mind was trying to convince my body to relax.

  When she began to move my fingers down her neck and toward her chest, my eyes opened. “I can feel that, too,” she said. Once again, I searched them for an answer, my thumb caressing the soft skin between her tits. What I saw, what I felt, told me she wasn’t thinking straight. “Make me feel more, Derek. Please.”

  As much as I wanted to bury my cock in her tight warmth, she was in a dark and painful place. I feared it would only eventually make her feel worse. She needed time to absorb what was happening.

  “Frankie, I—”

  “Don’t say no to me,” she said sharply. “And don’t try to tell me what I need. Not now. Oh God, especially not now. I just want to feel something. However long it lasts, no matter how I feel when it’s over, during those minutes we’re together I just want to feel pleasure. Only you can give me that…and I want you to.”

  I wouldn’t deny her. Not e
ver. Hell, it was physically impossible. And I wouldn’t tell her how she might feel afterward…it sounded like she already knew. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

  “It’s what I need, Derek…to feel you.”

  Her eyes seemed to match her words. So I dipped my head underneath the covers and kissed my way down her body. When I reached her pussy, I didn’t tease her, didn’t allow her cravings to build. I spread her lips apart and slid my tongue across her clit, my movements fast and sharp. Already slick with wetness, I slipped my fingers straight into her, pausing just long enough to inhale her scent. Her cunt tasted as good as it smelled.

  She arched her back as I sped up, flicking across her hardening clit while two of my fingers plunged in and out of her tightness. She tugged my hair and groaned my name, her body rocking against my mouth, showing me how much she needed this bit of release I was about to give her. She was sopping; my beard full of her tangy flavor. I lifted her hips so I could devour even more of her.

  “Fuck me, Derek,” she begged.

  I sat up and circled her legs around my waist, slowly sliding into her. Fuuuuck. My unwrapped cock felt every bit of her hot wetness. It was still such a shock. I could have come right at that moment, but I was starting to understand how badly she needed this.

  “Oh my God,” she breathed. I was fully inside her, the lips of her pussy resting on the base of my cock. I gave her a minute to adjust. Then I felt her relax as I reached the tip, and tense up as I shoved my way back in.

  “Harder,” she demanded.

  I grabbed her nipple, rolling it between my fingers, squeezing the end to make her cry out while I plunged in and out.

  “Faster,” she moaned.

  I held her ass into the air so I had full access to her pussy and drove into her as hard and as fast as she could take it. Her screams were the most honest thing I’d ever heard. I pressed my thumb to her clit and continued to stroke her. Her hands moved to her nipples and she tugged those tight light buds, yanking them harder than I thought she could handle.