Riven

by Lissa Del

  “I’ll go and see her in the morning,” I say, my heart heavy. Leo’s arms come around me and squeeze, crushing me against him as if I might be swept away at any minute.

  “I love you,” he says, breathing the words into my hair. “Whatever happens, remember that. Please don’t give up on me.” I lift my face to his and he brushes his lips across mine, kissing away the tears that he caused.

  “It hurts,” I sob against his lips.

  “I never meant to cause you any pain. I tried to stay away from you when we first met, but I just couldn’t.”

  I remember how he had declined my offer of tutoring, how he hadn’t kissed me after Game Night.

  “You may not have meant to cause me pain but you did,” I say.

  “Then let me take it away, please,” his voice is heartbroken and despairing. “Let me love you, Sarah. It’s what I was meant to do.”

  CHAPTER 31

  “Sarah,” Ellen waves me inside. If she notices my puffy eyes and blotchy skin she’s polite enough not to comment. I called her first thing this morning and she told me to come over immediately.

  We walk toward the kitchen where Bruce is brewing a pot of coffee. He gives me a sympathetic smile and I try to return it as we pass, heading for the patio. Ellen looks resigned, but she lights up a cigarette the second we step outside.

  “Sit,” she waves me toward a chair and I sink onto it, trying to keep my knees from trembling.

  “Thank you for agreeing to see me,” I croak, my voice still husky from last night’s sobbing.

  “Of course.” Ellen hesitates a moment and then takes a seat beside me. She examines my face in an almost clinical manner. “You look terrible,” she admits.

  “Leo told me about Clare.”

  “I figured as much. I’m relieved, actually, given what I said at our disastrous dinner and how it must have made you feel.”

  “I thought you just didn’t think I was good enough for your brother,” I say, and then I drop my head in my hands as the emotion overwhelms me once more, “God, if only that was the case.” I take a deep breath. “A bitchy sister I could deal with. A determined wife… I’m not so sure.”

  We’re interrupted by Bruce who steps out onto the patio with a tray laden with coffee pot, cups, sugar, milk and a bottle of brandy.

  “I thought you might need it, sweetheart,” he tells me, setting the tray on the table. He leaves us, but not before placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. “I hope you’re okay, Sarah.” His kindness is almost my undoing but I manage to hold it together. Ellen waits until Bruce is gone and then pours us each a cup of coffee, adding a liberal splash of brandy.

  “What exactly did Leo tell you?” she asks, handing mine to me.

  “That he’s married. That he’s changed and he wants a divorce, but she doesn’t. Why?” I ask, catching sight of her expression, “is there more?”

  “Did you tell him you were coming to see me?”

  “Yes. He said it would help.”

  “Then yes, there’s more.” At these words the air leaves my body in a high-speed sprint, as though someone has punched me in the gut. I don’t speak, waiting for the hammer to drop, but Ellen doesn’t elaborate.

  “Do they have children?” The thought had occurred to me but I didn’t think it was probable, given how much time Leo spends with me.

  “No,” Ellen actually smiles and the weight on my chest eases, “it’s nothing like that. Leo told you the truth – he does want a divorce and Clare is refusing to give it to him.”

  “You don’t sound disapproving.” It strikes me as odd, given her brother’s wishes, that Ellen wouldn’t hold it against Clare. Unless…

  “Are you and Clare very close?”

  “I have the utmost respect for my sister-in-law but I wouldn’t call us close,” she says, almost apologetically. “She’s a good wife and she adores my brother – in her own way.”

  “So you think it’s right that she refuses to divorce him?” It sounds absurd. Regardless of Clare’s spousal acumen there is no situation I can possibly consider where it would be right to trap someone in a marriage they don’t want to be in.

  “Yes and no,” Ellen answers cryptically. “I’m not saying that she’s right, but I don’t blame her for what she’s doing. It’s an unprecedented situation. Who knows what’s right and what’s wrong.” She senses my agitation and shifts her body so that she is facing me directly. “Do you love my brother, Sarah?”

  I don’t hesitate. “Yes.”

  She nods. “And I know that he loves you too, not least because he’s told me repeatedly.” A pause. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

  “Yes.” This time the word is softer, less certain and I cringe at the sound of my own fear. It seems good enough for Ellen though, because she continues.

  “A little over a year ago Clare was working late. She does that a lot,” Ellen adds, and I gather from her tone that she doesn’t approve. “When she pulled into the drive two men accosted her.”

  “Accosted her?”

  “Yes,” Ellen nods grimly, “although whether they were after her or the car we still don’t know. Leo heard her screaming and, well it’s hard for you to understand, but the way Leo felt about Clare back then… let’s just say he went a little crazy.” My mind flashes back to the night at my apartment when we were attacked by the knife-wielding youth and Leo’s violent reaction. I actually do understand, but I say nothing, needing to know what happened next. “Leo tried to stop them,” Ellen continues, “he got between them and Clare. There was a struggle and one of the assailants panicked. He…” she stops for a second, incapable of going on.

  “What happened, Ellen?” My heart is racing in my chest.

  “They had a gun. Leo was… Leo was shot.”

  I clap my hand to my mouth, the thought of Leo being hurt almost too painful to comprehend.

  Ellen visibly pulls herself together.

  “He survived, obviously, but the bullet penetrated his skull. It lodged in his skull cavity and caused significant pressure to the left frontal lobe of his brain. The doctors managed to save him but they couldn’t remove the bullet at the time.”

  “His scar,” I breathe. “Wait - you said ‘at the time’ – so they removed it after?”

  “No.”

  I think of the raised lump beneath Leo’s scar that I’ve touched a hundred times.

  “You’re saying that there’s a bullet in Leo’s head?”

  “I wouldn’t believe it myself if it hadn’t happened to my family,” Ellen says softly, “but yes, there’s a bullet in Leo’s head. With his life out of immediate danger the doctors were happy to leave it there until a surgical plan could be put in place to remove it, but none of us were prepared for what it did to Leo.”

  “What? What did it do to Leo?”

  “The bullet is putting a significant amount of pressure on the frontal lobe of Leo’s brain. It’s the area of the brain responsible for personality.”

  “I’m sorry,” I interrupt, trying to gather my scattered wits about me, “but I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “I was getting to that. After the initial surgery Leo started behaving differently. We thought it was post-traumatic stress, but, after the swelling went down, the doctors discovered that Leo’s personality was being affected by the pressure the bullet was exerting on his frontal lobe. They were confident that once it was removed he would come to his senses, but Leo refused to go through with the surgery.”

  My coffee has gone cold so I toss it out into a potted plant beside me and fill the mug with neat brandy. I take a huge swig, the fiery liquid burning down my throat and into my chest. Ellen watches me thoughtfully and then does the same.

  “Apparently,” she sounds like a person who wouldn’t believe it herself under ordinary circumstances, “there have been recorded cases where an individual has suffered blunt trauma to the left frontal lobe and gone through an entire personality shift. Hold on…” She stands
, making her way back inside. I take another swig and refill my mug. “Here,” she announces, appearing once more with a slim green folder in her hands. She hands it to me and I open it in a daze.

  “Phineas Gage?” I ask, glancing up. “Who’s Phineas Gage?”

  “The most famous case,” she explains. “Phineas was a construction worker whose head had been impaled on a metal rod. Miraculously he survived, but friends and family reported that the effects of his injury included profound changes in his character and behaviour – to the point that they claimed he was no longer Phineas.”

  “Is this a joke?” I snap, shoving the papers back at her and getting to my feet. The brandy churns violently in my stomach and I put out a hand to steady myself. “Some sick, twisted plot that you and Clare came up with to scare me off?”

  “Seriously?” she laughs, a desperate, hollow sound. “Do you think I could come up with this shit on my own? Do you think I haven’t read this file and wondered if this is God playing a sick joke on my brother – on Clare – on all of us?”

  Her words hit home and in the instant that I bear the full brevity of what this family has gone through, the guilt surges up, pushing everything else aside.

  “Oh God.” Suddenly Clare is no longer my competition. She’s not the evil, clingy wife I’ve created in my mind. Instead, she’s a woman who has lost everything through no fault of her own. “No wonder she won’t divorce him.”

  “The reason she won’t divorce him,” Ellen states slowly, as if weighing up how painful this will be for me to hear, “is because the damage is reversible.”

  I listen while she tells me that Leo’s doctors are confident that they can remove the bullet and that the subsequent reduction in pressure will probably result in Leo reverting to how he was before – to who he was before the injury.

  “He’ll return to being in love with her, won’t he?” I whimper.

  “That’s what Clare is hoping for.” An honest answer, no matter how painful.

  “But he refuses to go through with the surgery. Why? Why would he do that?”

  For the first time Ellen gives me a smile.

  “Have you met my brother?” she asks wryly. “He’s a stubborn ass. Leo doesn’t want the surgery because he doesn’t want to go back to how he was before. I think he likes this new version of himself and he has no intention of changing it. Also,” she adds, “there’s you to consider.”

  “Me?” For the life of me I cannot understand what I could possibly have to do with this.

  “Yes, Sarah, you. Leo is in love with you. I can certainly see why – I know you probably don’t believe me but I don’t want to see you hurt either. This surgery could turn your whole world upside down.”

  “I’m nobody,” I say, “he has a wife, Ellen. She’s the only one whose opinion matters.”

  Ellen takes my hand and it’s so uncharacteristic of her that I’m stunned into silence.

  “No, Sarah. You are just as invested in this as she is. You both love him and, to be honest, I’m not so sure that this new Leo isn’t the person he was supposed to be all along. As a little boy he was the same – headstrong, determined, full of potential and larger than life. I watched him grow into someone I almost didn’t recognise – the money, the trappings – it changed him. Do you know they never wanted children either?” I shake my head, but the question is rhetorical. “They were so focused on their careers, so ambitious, they forgot to enjoy themselves – to enjoy their lives. After the accident, I noticed the change in him before Clare did. Not because she didn’t love him, but because they had already become so distanced from one another. Their work was the one thing that brought them together and the thing that pushed them apart. I don’t even remember the last time I saw them eat a meal together…” she trails off and I let go of her hand.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I insist. “Whether he’s a better man now or not, it’s still not right. He has to do this.”

  “Do you really believe that or is it because you believe it’s the right thing to do?”

  “It is the right thing to do! If you’re asking me if I want this, then no, of course I don’t!” my voice breaks and I take a steadying breath. “I don’t want any of this. I want Leo to stay with me. I want us to have a chance, I want to be able to think about marriage and babies and growing old together. But I don’t have any of that - Leo doesn’t belong to me.”

  “He doesn’t belong to her either,” Ellen points out gently. I press my lips together and fight the tears that threaten to overwhelm me.

  “That’s where you’re wrong.”

  “Sarah…”

  “No,” I shake my head, “thank you for telling me, Ellen, I appreciate it, I really do, but there’s no hope for me in all of this.” I get to my feet and stumble for the door.

  “What are you going to do?” she asks as I yank it open.

  “What I have to.”

  “Can I just say one thing?”

  I nod, not trusting myself to speak.

  “Try to remember that my brother didn’t do anything wrong. Life dealt him a shitty card but he’s picked himself up and he’s never shown even the slightest hint of self-pity. Maybe he didn’t tell you the whole truth, but he does love you.”

  “I know he does. It’s the one thing I am sure of.”

  “He’s a good man, Sarah – he’s always been a good man, but he’s an even better one with you in his life. Try to remember that.”

  CHAPTER 32

  “I need Clare’s number,” I tell Ellen before I leave. Fuelled by self-pity and a healthy dose of brandy, I know I need to meet Leo’s wife, to see her for myself before I make any decisions.

  “Sarah, that’s not a good idea.”

  “I have to speak to her. Please, Ellen, just give me her number.”

  Bruce has come to see me out and he gives her an imperceptible nod.

  “Okay,” Ellen relents, and she calls it out as I punch the digits into my phone.

  Clare gives nothing away over the phone. I explain who I am and she doesn’t sound altogether surprised to hear from me. She gives me her address immediately and I cut the call, my stomach still churning. Driving down the street she has specified I can only marvel at the houses. When I spot number 29 I pull up to the curb, killing the engine, but I don’t get out straight away. There’s a sleek silver Mercedes parked in the drive. I check my phone – Leo has called four times but I’ve ignored him. No doubt Ellen has told him where I’m going or she’s told him I’ve left her place and he is frantic to get hold of me. The phone rings again in my hand, Leo’s name flashing painfully in my face. I put it on silent and stuff it in my purse.

  We sit in the living room. Clare straightens the magazines on the coffee table and, for a minute, only the gentle ticking of the clock above the fireplace fills the space between us. Then I hear her draw in a deep steadying breath and she begins.

  “I want you to know I don’t blame you, Sarah,” she says, which is pretty big of her, considering that I’m sleeping with her husband.

  “I didn’t know,” I reply, feeling the need to justify my actions. “I didn’t know Leo was married, I didn’t know about the shooting, I didn’t know any of it.”

  “I’m not surprised,” she smiles sadly. “Leo doesn’t like to talk about it.” I feel a stab of spite and anger when she mentions Leo so casually, a subtle reminder that she knows him far better than I do.

  “It was awful,” Clare continues, oblivious to my thoughts. “When the gun went off… well, I immediately thought the worst, naturally. My attackers fled I didn’t even know which way they went and Leo was on the ground. He was unconscious but there wasn’t any blood to start. I couldn’t find the wound at first, can you believe it? My husband had been shot in the head and I didn’t even know it…” She stops suddenly, turning her head away so that I can’t see her face.

  “Ellen told me,” I say. I don’t want her to relive it. I don’t want to hear it from her point of view.

  �
��Ellen doesn’t really like me, did she tell you that?” the abrupt change of topic catches me unaware and I shake my head.

  “No, she didn’t. She speaks very highly of you.”

  “We’ve come to a mutual understanding over the years,” Clare explains, and I feel as though she’s not even talking to me, but rather stating facts, “and she’s been very supportive of me since the accident but she never approved of our marriage.”

  I say nothing and she slowly seems to become aware of me again.

  “You love Leo, don’t you?”

  “Yes,” it’s the smallest admission, but it makes my cheeks burn.

  “He loves you too. I knew there was someone else but it’s only recently that I realised how serious it was. He’s never pushed so hard for the divorce and he’s never been so cold toward me. Despite his feelings changing, he’s always been sympathetic to mine, until a few months ago. That’s how I knew. It’s not easy hearing your husband say he’s in love with someone else.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”

  “Please don’t apologise. This isn’t anybody’s fault. It just is.”

  She gets to her feet, seems to realise that she has nowhere to go and sits back down. My heart aches for her, for the discomfort and the pain she is so obviously feeling.

  “I’m going to break it off with Leo,” I say. The words cut into me like a knife through butter, slicing through every fibre of my being, but I speak the truth. As much as I love Leo, I cannot be the person who holds him back.

  “That’s very noble of you,” she smiles. I almost wish she’d tell me not to, that she’d be like Ellen, but, who am I fooling? She’s his wife. “I know this must be very painful for you,” Clare continues, “and I’m sorry you got mixed up in all of this. Leaving Leo alone will go a long way toward getting him to see reason.” She pauses and I have the awful sensation she’s not quite done with me yet. True enough, her next words confirm it, “I take no shame in fighting for my marriage, Sarah. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to get Leo back. I know that sounds insensitive, but I’ve lived for over a year without the man I love and if there’s even the slightest chance of getting him back, I have to take it. So, with that in mind, I’d like to ask one more thing of you.”